The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

I open my eyes and find myself laying on the couch in our living room. I sit up and look around but I'm alone in the room. I slowly stumble my way across the room and down the hallway to the bedroom. I go in and this room is empty too so I grab a bag and shove some clothes into it, sniffing at myself and recoiling in disgust before grabbing my jacket and shoes, pulling them on and throwing the bag over my shoulder. I grab my wallet, not knowing where my phone is anymore and make my way back out of the room. As I'm passing the kitchen doorway I see Frank in there, his back to me talking on the phone. "I don't know what to do Mikey. I hurt him badly and he's still fucked up from what I did but he disappeared and he looks so much worse now he's back, I actually thought he was dead when I found him. I know when he wakes up he won't want to even be near me after what I did." I've heard enough as I silently sneak down the hall to the front door, letting myself out and closing it as quietly as I can. I make it half way to the elevator when I hear footsteps behind me and my name being called. I turn my head to see Frank following me and I jab harder at the button but Frank reaches me first. "Please come back inside" he asks and I shake my head, praying that the elevator will hurry up but Frank grabs my wrist and pulls me along behind him saying "I'm not asking Gerard. Get inside now." He releases my wrist and I drop my head again, staring at the floor as I walk back into the apartment, waiting for the beating I know is coming. When he closes the door and reaches out to touch me I flinch away and make a tiny choked off whimper, the only sound I'm capable of making and Frank grabs my arm, pulling me back into the living room. "Sit down Gerard" he barks at me and I obey, shaking in fear. "I figured you had just run off to him but clearly I'm wrong. Where have you been?" I open my mouth but all that escapes is another whimper and Frank seems to get angrier. "Fucking answer me Gerard. You can't worry me sick and leave for three days and just not say anything." I open my mouth but I can't find any words and when Frank shifts I flinch, expecting him to hit me. His face softens and he sighs as he says "Babe I'm not going to hit you I swear. Please just talk to me" before reaching out and gently stroking his finger tips down my cheek. I whimper before croaking out "The park" those being the first words I've spoken in days. His face crumples into a frown before he says "You slept in the park? The whole time? When was the last time you ate?" I shrug my shoulders and he shakes his head and says "Fuck baby, come on" and he gently takes my hand, pulling me up and taking me into the kitchen. I sit at the table while he digs through the fridge, pulling out a tub of yoghurt and sitting it infront of me with a spoon but I don't touch it. I sit and stare straight ahead into space so Frank sits beside me and grabs the tub, pulling the lid off and dipping the spoon in, scooping some up and holding it to my lips. "Please baby" he pleads softly and I reluctantly open my mouth and let him feed me. I finish half the tub before I turn my head away not wanting any more and Frank gets the hint and puts it down. We sit in silence, me still just staring ahead of me and after a minute Frank sighs and stands up, reaching for my hand as he says "Come with me." I turn my head and look at his hand but don't take it, unsure if he is going to get mad and hit me again. He lets out another sigh before bending down and scooping me into his arms, carrying me from the room and I freeze up, fearing the worst but when we reach the bathroom he sets me on my feet again. "No offence babe but you smell like a homeless person" he attempts to joke as he starts the shower for me before turning back and saying "Get undressed." I slowly remove my clothes with shaking hands and when I'm naked Frank gasps and his hand flies to his mouth. I look down and see the mostly black but some yellowed fist marks all over my body. "Oh fuck baby I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry, I should never have done that to you." I hang my head in shame before stepping into the shower, quickly washing myself before turning off the water and stepping out again. Frank wraps a towel around me and starts to dry me and I stand still, not game to make a move. Once I'm dry Frank kneels down and holds out a pair of clean boxers before grabbing his pyjama pants that are hanging on the rack and helping me step into them. Once I'm dressed Frank stands up and scoops me into his arms again, carrying me to the bedroom and laying me in the bed but I roll over and try to get up, the sheets smelling of someone else. I choke out a small sob and Frank climbs onto the bed too, pulling me back down and he says "Hey you need to rest, please just sleep. I'll leave the room if you want, I'll sleep on the couch but you need to sleep and I want you to be somewhere warm and comfortable. I shake my head and choke out "I'll take the couch" but before I can get up he grips my shoulders, forcing me down and I panic, freezing up. His grip loosens and he says "Gerard I promise I won't hit you, just please stay here." I shake my head "Can smell him" I mumble out and realisation dawns on his face. "Fuck sorry baby" he rushes out before climbing off the bed and leaving the room, coming back with clean sheets. "Hop up for a second" he says and I get up and watch while he changes the sheets. He guides me to lay back down and I go, feeling light headed and already drifting in and out of unconsciousness. "I'll be on the couch if you need me" I hear Frank say and I think I hear "I love you" but I know it's just my sleep deprived brain playing tricks on me and I give in, falling asleep warm and safe for the first time in four days.

Notes