The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

The next week passes in a blur of arguements and physical fights between Frank and I. Frank is getting frustrated because of my current fragile state and is snapping at me a lot. Every time I bring up moving he no longer wants to, believing there isn't a problem anymore but I can't shake the feeling that they'll come back. During one of many arguements about moving Frank told me to just get over it and I snapped and slapped him across the face, immediately regretting it but he let out a low growl and punched me, giving me a black eye. As I walk into Lindsey's office she gasps at my face and asks what happened. "I don't want to talk about it" I tell her, afraid of what Frank would do if he found out I told but also afraid she would report him for it. She nods and makes a note on her board and we spend the session talking about Bert. By the end of the hour I can barely breathe, sobbing so hard about everything Bert's done to me and when I see my time is up I stand to leave but Lindsey stands too and grabs my arm. "Sit Gerard, I can't let you leave like this. Take your time, I don't have any other appointments this afternoon so just get it all out." I sit back down and try to get my breathing under control before continuing. "I know it's so crazy after everything but sometimes I miss him, I miss having him in my life. He was so loving before Frank and I never had to fear being hit or hurt in any way." Lindsey nods and sits her board aside before sitting forward and grabbing my hand. "Gerard it's ok to feel that way. After everything you've suffered through it's ok to want stability and comfort." I nod and she squeezes my hand reassuringly before I launch out of the chair, dropping to my knees infront of her and leaning in for a hug. She hugs back, wrapping her arms around me and I feel instantly better, safe. When we pull apart she smiles and says "We should keep that to a minimum, that's not exactly allowed." I blush and quickly move away and she chuckles and says "It's alright, I don't mind." I nod, too embarrassed to speak before standing up, feeling ready to leave. As I'm walking out the door she stops me and hands me a journal to write my thoughts in and says "Stay safe Gerard." I smile weakly at her before walking out the door.

That night at home I sit on the recliner couch, my knees pulled up with my journal resting on them, writing down how I feel. At dinner Frank and I got into another arguement and after Ruby left the room I genuinely feared for my safety again. "What are you writing?" Frank asks, breaking me from my thoughts and I look over at him on the other couch and say "It's part of my therapy." He nods and looks pissed off but doesn't say anything else. I go to bed alone that night and after a while Frank comes in and slides in beside me, his hands instantly wandering down my body. I grab his wrists and stop him. "I'm not in the mood" I tell him and he scoffs at me, pulling his hands back and snapping "You never fucking are, who are you fucking then Gerard? Cause it certainly isn't me." I feel tears well in my eyes as I say "No one." "Yeah right, if I find out its William again..." "It's fucking NO ONE" I scream at him, getting out of bed and making my way out of the room. Before I reach the door Frank grabs my wrist and pulls me back, forcing me to turn and face him. "Don't lie Gee" he spits at me and I snap, bringing my free hand up in a fist and driving it into his face, his head snapping to the side. Before he has a chance to recover I hit him again and then I just keep going, letting out all the fear and anger and frustration I've been feeling for a long time. After a few more hits Frank dodges my swing and tackles me to the floor, pinning me down and slapping me, splitting my lip open. He hits me a few more times before grabbing my wrists and pinning my hands to the floor, laying ontop of me and pinning my whole body down. "You had enough you selfish little bitch?" He spits in my
face and I turn my head to the side, sobbing hard. He starts grinding his crotch into mine and I whine, begging him to stop but he keeps going and I feel him getting hard. "Stop" I scream out, thrashing against his hold and he lets go, climbing off me and kicking me in the side, causing me to curl up in pain on the floor as he walks around the room, pulling on clothes before I hear him leave the apartment. I lay on the floor crying until I fall asleep, beyond broken this time.

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