The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

After we get home I curl up on the recliner couch and turn the tv on low, not really focusing on it, just watching the colours. After a few minutes Frank comes in and lays a blanket over me, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I let my eyes drift shut and I'm almost asleep when Ruby comes over with Billy and says "Daddy Billy and I want to cuddle." I open my eyes again and sit up slightly, pulling the blanket aside and reaching down to help her climb up before reclining back again, letting Ruby get settled face down against my chest before fixing the blanket over us. Ruby squirms around getting comfortable before we both focus our gaze on the tv, my arms sliding around her back to cuddle her close and soon my eyes drift shut again and I fall asleep, holding Ruby to my chest. When I wake up again I am in bed and moonlight is filtering in through the blinds. I sit up and rub my sore eyes, feeling my
stomach clench right before it rumbles loudly. I slide out of bed and make my way to the living room to find Frank laying on the couch watching tv alone. "Where's Rubes?" I ask when I have his attention. "In bed, it's 10 babe." "Oh" I say realising that this means "So I slept for like 7 hours?" Frank nods before saying "Yeah, you really needed it babe, you've been running on empty for days now, do you feel better now?" I nod before my stomach rumbles again loud enough for Frank to hear and he chuckles and gets up. "Come on gorgeous, there's dinner in the fridge for you." I take Franks hand and follow him into the kitchen, sitting at the table and watching him re heat the Chinese food they left for me. Frank takes my
hand and pulls me up when it's done, leading me back to the living room and sitting beside me on the couch while I eat, his arm wrapped around my waist. By the time I'm done I feel ready for sleep again so I sit the plate on the coffee table and slump into Franks side, pulling my legs up and laying against his side, my head resting on his shoulder as we watch tv.

My next session with Dr Ballato comes around and I leave Frank and Ruby on the street as I make my way up to her office. When we're both seated she sits up and takes her jacket off, revealing her heavily tattooed arms and I find myself fixated on them. "Sorry, do they make you uncomfortable?" She asks, hesitating about sitting the jacket down. "No not at all" I say, shaking my head. "They're just really eye catching. Frank is covered in them and I love them." She smiles and nods, sitting her jacket aside before saying "Do you have any?" I shake my head before saying "I don't like needles." "Ah" she says, understanding fully. "So what's been going on in your life this week Gerard?" She asks and I take a deep breath before saying "Frank and I have been arguing a lot, we need to start picking schools for Ruby and we can't seem to agree on anything." Lindsey nods and waits for me to continue. "But it's not just about that, we are fighting about everything. I work from home so I'm always there with Ruby when he goes out to work and sometimes when he comes home he makes a fuss about a little mess like it should be my responsibility to clean up before he gets there, like I don't do my share of work and it makes me feel so fucking small." Lindsey makes a note before saying "Have you told him this?" I shrug before saying "He tells me I'm whining, so what's the point?" "I think maybe you and Frank need to open your communication up a little more" she tells me and I nod, feeling the knot of tension that has been in my chest most of the last week come back. We spend the rest of the hour talking about how Frank and I met and our home life, all the things I love about him and all the things that tear me apart about him. When the hour is up we schedule regular appointments every week, finding that it actually made me feel a lot better and Lindsey's presence is very calming. That night I lay in bed with Frank, facing each other and I open my mouth to try talking to him about how I feel but the words get stuck in my throat and I can't do it. Frank frowns, obviously confused but doesn't say anything. We lay in the dark just staring at each other in the moonlight, my hand coming up and trailing over all the tattoos on his arm and chest until I fall asleep.

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