S-I-N, I, S-I-N

"It's like there's a heartbeat in my stomach," Iris said, her hand tightening on my arm as we waited for the music to start up; she'd been grabbing at me like that ever since the meet and greet ended and we hurried from the other room to the front of the stage before everyone else got there.

"Wait till the music starts, it's gonna get worse," I promised her, it had been ages since I last went to a concert but it didn't mean I'd forgotten what it was like, I still remember how my heart would sync up with the drums and it felt like my head was going to explode from how loud the music was; afterwards my feet hurt like hell and I couldn't hear anything but it was so totally worth it.

"How can it get worse?" Her voice easily went up by a couple of octaves and she had to reach out to grab the barricade to steady herself.

"It's not really worse so much as better but it'll take you a couple of minutes to figure it out and get used to it." I couldn't count the number of times I've felt like I wanted to throw up at a concert, or the times I could have sworn I was having some kind of heart attack that I'd never recover from. "Don't worry, once the band starts you'll forget all about it."

The lights in the dimmed hall began to change, cycling through all the colors of the rainbow before stopping on green, the spotlights shifting to all the vital parts of the stage where everyone in the opening band would stand. With the shifting colors in the room the crowd began to get more excited and I automatically moved Iris and myself closer to the barricade before the audience could.

"Why is everyone so close together?" Iris asked nervously and a faint part in the back of my mind remembered hearing her once mention that she didn't like closed spaces too much; I can't imagine that a fully packed music hall would feel too comfortable for her.

"Because everyone wants to be as close to the stage as you and I. You should probably brace yourself because there's gonna be more pushing when Pierce The Veil come on but so long as you don't fall over or suddenly have to go to the bathroom then you shouldn't have any problems." I'd given a similar brand of advice to Iris earlier on, telling her that it would be easier for her to keep her footing if she stood with her feet shoulder width apart and put both her hands on the barricade so she could push back if she had to.

I wanted to hope for Iris to have as much common sense when it came to concerts as I did but I knew not to expect too much, she was the kind of girl that could get freaked out easily which more or less guaranteed a panic attack at some point tonight. Someone will make an attempt to push to the front of the stage and she'll start hyperventilating, I've already played the situation out in my head a couple of times; I think I should have snuck some sedatives from the nurse to give to her in case things get really bad.

"And what if I have to go to the loo?"

"Then I can nearly say for sure that there is no way you'll make it to the bathroom then back here." What I kept myself from mentioning was that she probably wouldn't even be able to make it out of the crowd with how tightly everyone was packed together.

The air in the room seemed to change and I could feel the smile on my face instantly grow wider, we'd been waiting for Gerard's band to come onstage for ages and to be perfectly honest I couldn't wait to see Iris' expression when Gerard started singing. She had taken it surprisingly well when she found out that we had secretly been hooking up for a while and acted as if it were nothing when she was suddenly told that he was also in a band.

From the angle I stood on I could see Gerard looking through the curtain for a brief second before Bob walked onto the stage, his eyes only directed at the ground as he made his way over to the drum-kit and sat down, instantly picking up the drumsticks and ignoring the cheers from the crowd.

He didn't start playing immediately and instead waited for the rest of the band to come out, My Chemical Romance making their appearance one by one: the always awkward Mikey, Ray who didn't even seem to notice the giggers, Frank who happily smiled and waved at a couple of people and finally Gerard who looked somewhat bashful despite always having nerves of steel and an unshakable confidence.

"You are a nice looking bunch, ya know I've tried to think of something to say when the time come for us to hit the stage but I still can't think of anything so we're just gonna have to wing this. I think I'm okay with that, are you guys okay with it?" He got a a cheer from the crowd as he spoke into the microphone. "I said are you okay?!" Iris cringed when she audience replied in the form of screams.

"Is everything gonna be this loud?" She asked but I couldn't give her an answer since my voice was lost to the cheering concertgoers and I had to make do with nodding.

"Actually to be honest I don't think it's gonna be okay because this is My Chemical Romance and I'm Not Okay, I Promise!" The sound of guitar filled the music hall, it was only one but it was loud and capable of shaking me right down to the bone, and that was before the drums kicked in. "Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way. For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took, remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?"

The sound was a wonderful yet cacophonous mixture of guitars, drums, bass and vocals that fogged over my brain and clouded out anything that wasn't My Chemical Romance's music, it had been too long since I'd last gotten the feeling that came with it, way too long.

"I'm not okay, I'm not okay. I'm not okay, you wear me out. What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means, to be a joke and look, another line without a hook. I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!"

~~~

"So give me all your poison, and give me all your pills, and give me all your hopeless hearts, and make me ill. You're running after something that you'll never kill. If this is what you want then fire at will! Thank you so much England, we've been My Chemical Romance and this is Pierce The Veil!" I hadn't expected for Gerard to so quickly announce that PTV was coming out, I'd been hoping for a break between the music but apparently they'd wanted it to run from one song into another because just as soon as Gerard's band was offstage the audience was chanting for Pierce The Veil; I felt like I had whiplash a little bit.

"I can't believe that he can sing like that," Iris said to me having to speak right into my ear so I'd be able to hear her over all the noise around us.

"I know, you should have seen how surprised I was when I saw him performing for the first time." Of course Iris would probably assume that I was pleasantly surprised, my actual reaction was more along the lines of shocked and somewhat in a state of disbelief since I'd just heard the school priest singing about sins and not in a normal Jesus died for them kinda way either.

Music began to play softy in the background and for a moment I thought it was just to tired everyone over while the band got their shit together but as it began to get louder and louder I recognized the notes then caught the excited look in Iris' eyes when we both realized at the same time that it wasn't just any regular ambiance music but instead the opening track on Collide With The Sky.

"If you wanted to set me free, why the fuck wouldn't you say something? Yeah, I was just over seventeen, may the poison set me free. Oh no, please, don't abandon me, Mother, father, I love you so. But this is just me disguised as me, I'm the killer who burned your home. This home. What the fuck is this home?" The screaming got even louder but by this point Iris looked too happy to be cringing, instead she was grinning nonstop and waiting excitedly for the band to come out just like me and everyone else in the audience.

Mike, Tony, Jaime and Vic came jogging out from behind the curtains and standing in the middle of the stage, musical weapons of choice in hand as they smiled at the cheering crowd crowd; still smiling as they took up their posts.

"I cannot spend another night in this home, I close my eyes and take a breath real slow. The consequence is if I leave I'm alone but what's the difference when you beg for love?" I'd never seen Iris sing along to anything ever before, not until I heard Pierce The Veil performing what I knew was one of her favorite songs. "I run through glass in the street, kerosene hearts carry the name that my father gave me, and take the face of the wolf. Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat, with heaven above you, there's hell over me."

"I met a girl who never looked so alone, like sugar water in your mouth lukewarm. She tied a cherry stem for me with her tongue, we fell in love and now we're both alone. 'Cause I don't need any more friends, and another kiss like a fire on pavement. We'll burn it down to the end." My heart felt like it had never beaten faster than when I heard this band live, I got goosebumps on my skin and hair stood up on the back of my neck, fuck I've needed this for so long.

"This is a wasteland, my only retreat. With heaven above you, there's hell over me. The water is rusted, the air is unclean and there for a second I feel free. 'Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat." No matter how much I might have wanted to see Pierce The Veil though I knew it meant more to Iris, they we're only one song in and I could already see her pretending not to cry and wiping away tears. "I've waited all this night to honor you and say, 'I know it's hard, but who are you to fall apart on me, on me?'"

I don't think I've ever seen Iris dance either, not that I'd really consider what she's doing to be too close to dancing but I do have to admit she is trying. "This is a wasteland, my only retreat. With heaven above you, there's hell over me. 'Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat. With heaven above you, there's hell over me. You said what about us, well, what about me? Hang from the gallows, asleep in the rain. 'Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat."

~~~

The concert had been going for at least half an hour, I was already half deaf by this point as was Iris and my feet were sore but I had never felt as good as I did right then especially when compared to all the shit that's been going on in my life recently, all I've really needed is some music and a break.

Of course some common sense probably wouldn't hurt either but I have to make do with what I already have and to be perfectly honest I've never been the kind of girl who goes with the safest choice; that's likely the reason for me sleeping with Father Gerard instead of dating some normal high school guy like I should have in the first place.

"This isn't fair, no, don't you try to blame this on me. My love for you was bulletproof, but you're the one who shot me. And god dammit, I can barely say your name. So, I'll try to write it and fill the pen with blood from the sink. But, don't just say it, you should sing my name.
Pretend that it's a song because forever, it's yours and we can sing this on the way home." Bulletproof Love was one of my favorite songs and I'd hoped to be able to hear the whole thing but one of the first lessons I'd learnt while living in England was that nothing was fair anymore and they had just finished the second verse when I felt a horrible churning in my stomach.

"Iris!" I shouted, praying that my friend would be able to hear me over the music but when she didn't even blink I was given no other option but to shake her to grab her attention.

She'd been singing along but instantly stopped and froze in her place like a statue when she saw the look on my face, it was either that or the shade which would probably be close to a neon green. "What's wrong? Oh, no. Are you sure that you have to...I mean, are you sure you're not nervous like I was?" I was shaking my head before she was finished, I'd gotten good at telling the difference between having a sensitive stomach and morning sickness; this was undeniably morning sickness, a bad case of it too.

"Fucking hell," I was trying to cut down a little bit on how much I swore but this time it was more than justified.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I was surprised by her offer since I most likely wouldn't have done the same if the roles were reversed but made sure to answer quickly since I knew I didn't have long before I was going to puke.

"Stay here, I'm gonna miss out on the rest but I don't want you too. I'll see you as soon as the gig;s over." She agreed without that much complaint and I gave her a brief hug before flagging down a security guard on the other side of the barricade who was more than happy to get me out of the crowd once they realized I was going to be sick.

As soon as I had the space I bolted for the door, I knew there was a bathroom somewhere in the venue but I neither knew where it was nor was able to run there fast enough before the contents of my stomach would be all over the floor and I wasn't stupid enough to think the staff would be all sunshine and rainbows about cleaning up the side-effects of some random teenagers pregnancy.

I'd barely reached the gutter before I was doubled over, throwing up so much that I nearly wished for the sweet release of death, why does everything have to understate the suckyness of morning sickness.

"Those nausea pills were a total lie," I groaned as I sat down on the curb, I should have known that out of all the times I could get it I'd be dealing with the pregnancy pukes right in the middle of a concert; is all I wanted was to enjoy myself once, just once before I get too big to do anything safely. "This blows."

It was these kinda things that made me feel the shittiest, I can be sick, freezing and feel like I weigh twenty pounds more than I actually do and the only person I want is my mom. I wish she didn't hate me for this, I wish that she still wanted me to be her daughter, I wish that instead of abandoning me my parents wanted me to come back home so they could help me out because this is freaking terrifying.

I've always been afraid of being pregnant, ever since I read the test, I'm still a fucking teenager and I'm going to be responsible for raising a baby human being. Someone's life is gonna be in my hands and if they're screw ups when they're teenagers then it's gonna be all my fault, I could do such an awful job when raising a child that I could be responsible for the next Hitler. These is so much more responsibility than I've ever wanted, the only thing I ever wanted to do was graduate from high school and try to get a job doing something that I love, is that too much to ask?

My vision started to blur from the tears clouding up my eyes and I wiped my face, feeling the drops quickly falling on my cheeks smear across the back of my hand along with any makeup I hadn't sweated away from being in the hot music hall filled with the body heat of a few hundred people.

There was a buzzing against my leg and I looked down to see that my pocket was lit up by my mobile, I'd set the thing on vibrate so I'd be able to know when I get a message or a call. With some one-handed fishing around I was able to fish the small cell out of my jeans and read the message on the screen, it was Dale, my brother, he was ringing and according to the phone screen it was the fourteenth time time today, he's been calling nearly every hour; he must really wanna talk to me.

I didn't want to talk to him, I actually wouldn't have answered at any other time but he was my big brother and he'd caught me in a state of emotional weakness when I simply wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by my family.

"Hello?"

'Lain, is that you?' He asked, a definite tone of concern in his voice but in the back of my head I still remembered how he wanted me to come back to America and live with him even though I'd made it clear I didn't want to.

"This is my number isn't it?" I joked and sniffed away the rest of my tears, they were still flowing but they'd already started to slow since I heard Dale's voice; although I kinda hate him I can't help but miss him, I used to talk to him all the time and now we barely chat at all.

'Are you okay? You sound like you're sick.' He was right when he said that, I did feel sick and I wanted to go back to my room as Rosehill then go to sleep for the next year but I couldn't because Iris was still in watching the gig and we had to catch the bus back together, I couldn't abandon her here, not that I had anything that would allow me to.

"I've just been throwing up, morning sickness is a bitch ya know?" I told him and wondered at the same time if he and April would ever have a baby of their own, they've definitely been together long enough for it to seem like the reasonable relationship choice, actually they've been together long enough that something along the lines of marriage, a dog and a white picket fence should be on the cards.

'Morning sickness, that's a thing for you now? Where are you, you don't sound like you're in bed?'

"Um, I'm sitting on a sidewalk, outside Club Venture." I nearly added that I was half freezing to death but decided I'd be better off keeping that to myself since I didn't particularly want him to have an aneurysm.

'What are you doing in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night?' He demanded, sounding angry enough that I flinched, ever since I was a little kid I've hated hearing Dale angry, I think I've always wanted him to be my simple minded happy-go-lucky, goofy older brother but he wasn't anymore and shit was real.

"Iris and I were at a Pierce The Veil, I guess we still are. She's inside listening to them and I've been throwing up. I wanna go home, Dale. I miss Mom and Dad, the last time I talked to them they said I was on my own, they don't want me to come back to the house and they don't want to help me with this baby. I'm worried, Dale." It was a mistake for me to tell him all of this, I've understood it from the moment I answered the phone and I still can't help but go crying to him and hope that he'll fix all my problems; I tried that tactic once but I'm only just stupid enough to try it again.

'Listen, you don't have to worry. I landed in England this morning, I'll come and get you. I've got Club Venture on my GPS, I'm not that far away, fifteen minutes max. Don't go anywhere, promise me you'll stay where you are.' I was absolutely shocked that he had gone through with his word, that he had actually come to the UK to get me and I was too stunned to give him any other reply than the one he wanted.

"I'll wait, I promise."

Notes