S-I-N, I, S-I-N

I more or less listened to what Dale told me, only going inside for a minute to get a second shirt, something to wear under my jacket to keep me warm while I waited. I'm not stupid, I know I should have stayed in the warmth but I was afraid that I'd run into Iris or even worse, see Gerard; there was no way on earth that I could handle talking to him right now. Especially after going ahead and telling Dale where I was.

When I first told my brother that I was pregnant, when he freaked out and insisted that I was gonna go back to America to live with him, I was really scared and I didn't know what I was supposed to do but after I've been given some time to think about it; once I've actually put things into perspective, it just kinda makes sense for me to stay with him.

It's a fact that Dale makes a good chunk of money from his job, his band's been doing amazingly for a few years and I know that he and April put a down payment on a vacation house in Alaska not that long ago. As well as Gerard wants to think things are going well for him I can tell they're not, I've seen the look on his face when he's playing with My Chemical Romance...he doesn't want to be a priest anymore and it's obvious.

Gerard and Dale are both in bands but the difference between the two is almost too obvious, for example MCR hasn't got so much as a head nod from a record company and as far as I know he hasn't made a single cent from his music.

Dale's band All The Cool Kids have won awards for their albums, singles and music videos, they've been on two world tours and have performed at places like Madison Square Garden and the House of Blues in New Orleans.

I've always known my brother, I've always been able to rely on my brother. He's what I'm familiar with, I don't have to change anything or acclimate myself around him. I don't know Gerard as well as my brother...and I don't have time to get to know him.

I need a safe bet, my baby needs a safe bet and Gerard just isn't safe enough.

"I'm so sorry," I felt myself automatically murmur, I know what I'm going to do, I know what I need to do and it fucking breaks my heart but I haven't got any other option. I'm gonna be a mom and it's my job to make sure that this baby is gonna have what it needs even if it's at the expense of my own feelings...

Or at the expense of someone else's.

If this was some kind of perfect world where everything worked out exactly the way people wanted it to everything would be fine, but it wasn't and even then I'd probably be dead if things were controlled by wishes. I'm not a hundred percent blind when it comes to the death glares Tiffany gives me, I know she wants nothing more than to witness me being ripped apart by a pack of rabid dogs; I know it mainly because I wish the same for her and a couple of the other girls I've come across in my life.

Iris is going to hate me for leaving her like this, she's gonna hate me and she's gonna be in the right.

What will Luka think, I wonder; I haven't even seen him at the concert tonight, he mightn't have even been able to come here for some reason. I've always thought he's an understanding kinda guy, I reckon he'd be smart enough to figure out that I'm better off, that everyone's better off if I leave before this turns into one big drama that never ends. It's hard to have people hate you when you're not around to be hated.

My parents will undoubtedly be smug, they love getting their what they want and even after abandoning me like some kind of unwanted dog they'll still think I've only done this to make their lives just that little bit better.

Dale, he'll be as happy and smug as my parents since he loves getting his way as much as they do; although he'd deny it to his grave that he's more like Mom and Dad than Chrissy is, after all she's the daughter of two more or less homophobes and she's had more girlfriends than he has.

Chrissy wasn't lesbian or bi so much as her not having a clue what she was ready to settle down with yet, hell her job as a microbiologist was solely her passion of the week, she'll find another job she intends to try out soon, the same as she will with a girlfriend or a boyfriend. To be perfectly honest I've got no idea how she pays for her penthouse, maybe she's always had some running mafia deal going on in the background and all of her exotic jobs were simply a front to hide a much seedier career.

It seemed like the kind of thing Chrissy was into.

I hope that April won't feel like I'm intruding on her life, I know that she really loves my brother and wants to have a full married life with him and all that; what if I'm one big hindrance on their relationship. I'm gonna be pregnant, I'll probably be complaining a lot since I'm me and I'll have trouble doing a whole bunch of shit which will get annoying as hell because then I'll have to ask for help.

At least I'm not going to be inconveniencing them as much as I'll fuck with Gerard's life, that and Mikey's. I won't be some stranger barging into his house all of a sudden, they know me and from what I remember in they don't dislike me all that much either.

Should I trust my brother around a baby though? He's kind of a klutz when it comes to the important matter of being delicate.

My legs were beginning to get very sore from the position I'd been sitting in for what felt like ages and I stood up before slowly walking down the sidewalk, making sure to not go too far from the front of the music hall for when Dale turned up; he'd taken much, much longer than he said he would. He's never been the best at gauging times, at least he can play some musical instrument, he'd be a bum otherwise.

It felt good to take a short stroll, the most I'd done earlier was walk out of the loud hall and sit down than rinse repeat, I've needed to feel the cold breeze on my cheeks and move a little bit. It's a lot more refreshing than sitting on the side of the road next to a puddle of your own puke and a helluva lot more entertaining.

There were some birds I could hear chirping in trees nearby, probably kept up by the loud music, the stars looked much prettier out here than they've ever been in Chicago; it's like everything I see was taken with one of those already in space cameras, everything was so unbelievably clear.

The walls of the music hall were so thin and the music was so incredibly loud that I could hear the band playing from the paddock next to the building, I hope I haven't accidentally deafened my baby but maybe I could be doing her a favor and helping her build up a resistance. For all I know she might want to go to concerts when she's my age, I definitely won't be doing the same thing my parents did and send her to a faraway school for it. Although she mightn't be interested in music, either way I'd go to a gig if she or he wanted me to.

"Maybe I should call you after music? Harmony, Melody, Reed, Alto...Hendrix?" I could only imagine how stupid it must look from someone else's perspective, watching me walk around a fricken paddock while talking to myself as if I've got a baby and I don't even look pregnant.
I think I should consider going to a doctor when I get back to America, I need to find out how long I've been pregnant for exactly and when I'll be due; I'll be waiting for a few more weeks yet but I'll be able to find out whether I'm having a boy or a girl as well.

That could be interesting and terrifying all at once, like a mishmash of intense feelings; I don't do all that well with constant feelings.

"I'll love you no matter what though," I murmured as I wrapped my arms around my stomach, it
made me happy to know I had someone that would be with me no matter what, it was comforting.

"You never mentioned that you were expecting." I jumped when I heard the voice all of a sudden then looked up to see Frank who sat on the steps of the music halls fire escape, a bottle of beer in one tattooed hand and a lit cigarette held loosely in the other.

"Um no. I haven't even known for that long, Mikey just found out." Knowing that I couldn't simply stroll away now I sucked up any hesitation I might have had, stuffed my hands deep into my pockets and walked over to Gerard's friend, wishing at the same time that I'd stayed out the front of the building instead of having to wander around like some fucking Dora the Explorer wannabe.

"He must have been excited, he's always loved kids but he's never wanted them so I guess being an uncle or something would be pretty cool. Is it Gerard's?" He asked, blowing out a lungful of smoke, purposefully aiming away from me then taking a quick drink from his bottle.

"Of course, I'm not some slut!" I hadn't meant to shout at him and felt slightly awful for a second before remembering it was him that came up with the rude question.

"Ah, don't take it like that, I put it out all wrong. What I should have said is, is it his, officially? Does he know about it?" He drained the rest of the cancer stick before stubbing it out on the corroded metal railing beside him and throwing the butt into the distance and far out of anyone's sight.

"Yeah, he was the first to hear, first after me." Listening to Frank talk about Gerard put a pain in my heart but I clenched my hands into fists and tried my best to ignore it, it doesn't matter what they are, if you deny any feeling long enough it will go away. I've got two parents that couldn't care less about whether I lived or died, I should know better about shutting yourself off from others as well as anyone.

"Congratulations, do you kn-"

It was Gerard, he's pushed open the door and walked right out onto the metal staircase with a cigarette held casually in the side of his mouth as he talked to his friend, "Frankie, do you have a light, matches? Lainey, what are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be watching the concert with Iris? Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine, I had a little morning sickness but I'm fine; I was thinking about going back inside." I was lying my ass off, I'm a no good fucking liar and a horrible person, I'm the worst kind of mess.

"Do you wanna watch from backstage? That way you'll be able to see where Iris is when the show's over, you'll be catching the tail end of the encore at most though."

No, please don't be nice to me.

"Na, it's not a real concert if you cheat to get backstage. I'll have to wait up the back but I'm fine chilling with the plebs." I forced a laugh as I rocked back and forth on my heels, debating the pros and cons of making a run for it to get away from him without feeling any guiltier than I already was.

There was a lapse in conversation and Frank gave Gerard a half empty book of matches to light his cigarette while humming the tune of some foreign song under his breath and downing the rest of his bottle of beer in one go before snatching away Gerard's bottle and holding it far out of his reach.

"I've heard you guys have the beer?" Oh, we're having a little party now, should have predicted that Vic would show up next, the gig must have just ended.

"And you'd be right." Frank happily passed the bottle that would've been Gerard's to Vic and leant forward with his elbows resting on his knees, settling in for a lengthy talk about something I wanted nothing to do with.

"Me and the guys have been talking about you band of misfits, had a quick chat with the tour manager. Fearless Records wants to take you on for a while, it'll only be as an opener for our Europe leg of the tour but it'll get you a foot in the door and in my book that's better than nothing." I'm not sure whose mouth fell open first, mine, Gerard's or Frank's, either way I think it was an equal amount of shock.

"Are you serious?" Frank checked, Vic answering him with a simple nod as he drank. "Jeez, thank's man I'll fuckin' take it but I'm not sure 'bout Gee or the rest of the gang."

This is getting far away from something I wanna be involved in. Not wanting to stick around any longer I walked down the stairs and stepped into the low grass of the paddock, trying to hurry away from the meeting of three before I was pulled into a talk that would make me feel even worse.

"Vic, thank you so much, I wanna say yes but I can't. Lainey's got something going on and I really don't want to leave her, can you get where I'm coming from?" No, no, no, Gerard; don't refuse an offer like that, don't give up a chance to get your dream job because of me, it's so far from being worth it, trust me. "Hey, Lainey, what's wrong?" Gerard called out and I paused for a moment, wondering if I should give him an answer or just make a run for it but then I heard the sound of a car driving down the road and the small, shabbily fenced off paddock beside an equally shabby venue.

"Fuck."

This isn't going anything like I wanted it to, I was hoping that I could silently leave, no dramas or issues, nobody hurt, I only wanted a clean break but that is so far from what I hoped for; it's like life was simply making me suffer as some kind of sick game. As I mentally cursed every god I was aware of the blue rental car came to a stop and through a very large gap in the fence I watched my brother get out of the car and come jogging down the sidewalk.

"Lain, Lainey!" Not now, please not now, Dale.

Kill me, just seriously kill me.
Lets do this, right here, lets go.

"Lainey, is that you?" Dale stopped when he saw me through hole in the fence.

Death take me swiftly!

"Hi, Dale, I waited." He quickly found a spot in the fence that he could duck through then stepped into the paddock and ran over before almost squeezing out all of the air in my lungs when he hugged me.

"Goddammit, Lain. You don't know how worried I've been about you, April's had trouble sleeping too. I was worried you'd do something before I got here." My arms were stuck by my sides and I couldn't have moved an inch if I tried while in the background I could hear Gerard freaking out over the crazy guy who had suddenly ran up and grabbed me.

"What the hell, man?!" Gerard was shouting and I flinched when he did it, I'd only heard him raise his voice a few times before and I didn't like it, yelling didn't fit him, it never had.

"What were you worried I'd do?" I asked Dale, I'd never considered offing myself, I've often wanted people to kill me but I've never put any detailed thought into the matter or gone so far as to attempt it.

"I don't know but you're not always rational and I have to stay on my toes no matter what." Dale squeezed me harder and I made an attempt to hug him back but found myself preferring the action of bashing my head against the wall until I was knocked out and able to escape from this horrid and confronting situation.

"Who are you? Get off her!" I could hear Gerard behind me and flinched, this is not happening, please don't make this happen.

"I'm her brother, who the fuck are you?" Dale was talking over the top of my head; they're not going to fight are they? I don't want them to fight, I don't want to see either of them trying to hurt one another.

"Gerard Way, now get lost." In an instant Dale let go and stepped around me, walking towards Gerard with a look on his face that I'd seen before. It was the exact expression I'd seen him with when I was still living in America and had gone on my first date with a really shitty guy who only wanted to use me; I don't think I have to say much more for you to get the idea that it didn't turn out well.

"Then you're the priest she's been sleeping with? You did this to her? You're a special brand of fucked up, you know that? A seventeen year old girl with her whole life ahead of her, I hope you're happy with yourself." Gerard was walking backwards to get away from him and had nearly reached the fire escape, not giving him much more room to escape.

"Listen I've heard what Lainey has had to say about you, she doesn't want to go back to America, got that? She's gonna be living in England with my brother Mikey, she's gonna have a good life, you don't have to worry about her. Can we talk about this instead of having some testosterone match?" I could tell Gerard was making an effort to stay calm, he was trying not to turn what could be a cool conversation into a massive fight not that I think either of them are capable of winning a brawl.

If it did come down to anything they are a pretty evenly matched, no ones gonna be getting the upper hand at least.

"But keep in mind, while he won't kick your ass I still will," Frank spoke up, he was sitting on the edge of the fire escape, staring at Dale in a way that made me think he would actually be able to hurt him not that my brother had ever been much of a fighter.

"No, I don't want anyone to kick anyone's ass, it's stupid and it's not worth it," I told them, trying to add a note of calmness to the tense moment that wouldn't turn it in a negative direction unlike Frank's oh so helpful remark.

"Lainey, you don't want to go with him; you said so yourself. You were gonna stay here, we were gonna find a way to make this work. What happened to that?" Gerard looked at me with something in his eyes that made me hurt, physically hurt and I had no other option but to look away; I need to do what is best for me and what is best for the baby. Emotion's are going to have no part even if I have to walk away without staying to explain.

"Gerard, I wanted to avoid this but I've changed my mind. I can't stay here, I can't do this raise a family thing. I wanted it one day but not now, it's too soon for me to have all of this. I've decided I can handle it in pieces, I can take care of this baby and raise it right but I can't do it with you waiting for me to fall in love and I can't do it knowing that I'm taking you away from being a musician. You love your music, it's clear to me and I can tell Mikey loves it to. If I stay with him I'll be taking a chance from both of you and I can't live with myself." I was trying my best to hold it together but I could feel my voice cracking in places, and my eyes were starting to sting from the tears building in my eyes, blurring the face of my brother, my lover and my friends.

"It's not worth it, the music's not worth you leaving."

"Gerard, please, please don't do this to me. If I leave now it will be a quick break, no crying, no emotions. Say goodbye and farewell, this is good; I can live with everything ending like this. Can you please pretend you can too?" I was begging, never once in my life had I begged and here I was begging for forgiveness, for someone to do me a favor. If I knew a year ago what I know these days...

"I don't want to, don't make me. I love you. If you love me too then don't hurt me, please." I shook my head and clenched my jaw to hold in the sounds that might otherwise escape my lips, I didn't need to cry here, if I don't cry over this then it won't hurt because my mind will come to believe nothing ever mattered.

"I can't love you. I'm not ready to be in love with anyone yet, I'm just not. I'm still a kid and I've got a lot of growing up to do and I can't do it fast enough to be with you. Please try to forgive me one day." I rubbed away the tears and most of my makeup with the sleeve of my jacket before turning away and walking towards the fence; I can't look back and I can't open my heart, not anymore.

My brother helped me to get through the fence, he made sure my hair didn't catch on the broken pieces of wood and he opened up the door to the car and I slid inside, making myself comfortable in the seat then buckling up my seat-belt, my nose wrinkling when I smelt the cheap freshener that hung in the shape of a tacky pine tree. Dale walked around the car and got in, starting up the engine and running it through the gears before slowly backing up.

I promised myself that I wouldn't look up, I promised...
But I've promised myself a lot of things that I've never gone through with.

Iris was standing out the front of the now empty music; hall she was talking with Tony, smiling and laughing, she looked like she was having a better time than I'd ever seen her have. He was laughing with her, joking and bumping her with his elbow. She was happy, and she was better of with people like him and Luka as her friends than she was hanging out with me. I wanted to pressure her into getting out there but she was fine sorting herself out, she didn't need any of my help.

"Lain, do you need a tissue or something?"

Then I saw Gerard, he was leaning with his head against the side of the building his black hair hanging in his eyes; Mikey was standing next to him with his hand on his shoulder, talking to his older sibling but he wasn't being payed any attention.

I was looking directly at Gerard, he was looking back and as the large, blue car was about to turn the corner that would take me away from England and back to America he smiled gently at me, the emerald light in his eyes being picked up by a flash of light, then he waved.

And I waved back.

Notes