S-I-N, I, S-I-N

I'd be lying if I said I expected to wake up in a bed with Father Way fast asleep next to me. The last thing I remember was falling asleep rather awkwardly on the couch and trying to make sense of the text message I'd read on his phone, the one admitting he loved me. I still didn't know how to react or if I even wanted to tell him I knew. It seemed easier to just pretend I didn't know anything and play stupid but from experience I'd learnt he was very, very good at figuring things out so it'll probably be a huge waste of time.

At least I didn't have to confront him about it because by the looks of things he's carried me into his room which meant he kinda won after all this time. He'd try so hard to get me to sleep in his bed after our time together and I'd always refuse and here you go, I was in his bed, previously asleep with him next to me, still asleep. If he was awake he'd be so damn smug.

Careful as not to wake him I lifted the sheets I was under, slid out of the bed and snuck out of the room, trying to remain quiet when I was usually a very loud person. The only time in my life where I've had to sneak around is escaping from my room at home and going to a party or a concert, out of other peoples bedrooms is a definite first.

I wonder if this is going to become a regularity, waking up in the morning next to him then having to sneak out again. My life is running away from me and I'm left to chase desperately after it while knowing I'll never be able to catch up, it's a scary thing. Like being on a ride that goes upside down and getting that feeling where your stomach seems like it's jumped to your throat and everything's kinda fuzzy and you can't tell if you need to throw up or sit down.

That my friends is what it's like to realise your life is out of your own control.

Gerard's responsible for this, him and no one else. He should have been smart enough to know what we've been doing is nothing more than a fling yet he's the one who has to get a whole bunch of emotions involved. Crap, I should have seen this coming, I should have known something would come along and fuck up this perfect little plan we had going on. Of course I thought it'd be us getting busted, not him suddenly falling in love.

What in the world could make him think I'm a suitable person to fall in love with. I'm irresponsible, reckless, immature, sarcastic, bitchy and completely refuse to listen to anyone but myself at the end of the day. He's grown up with a career, a place to live and he's got a car, not to mention he's a heck lot older than me and the one who wants us to be in a relationship.

Alright, I do have to admit though, the pregnancy thing...I'm kinda responsible for that. It should have occurred to me to use a condom the first time, and the second and the time after that but he's the one who has to wear it so he's partially to blame. But at the end of the day it's no ones fault because I'm going to have this baby and I don't want him or her to end up thinking they were a mistake or an accident. If I'm meant to have a kid then I'm meant to have a kid and I have to accept that while I've got the time.

Nine months, I have nine months to sort my life out in time for this baby. So by september I need to have everything in order because I know my parents aren't going to ever approve of me being pregnant at seventeen. I'll get myself a place to stay, a job and whatever baby gear I'll need. I guess a crib will be at the top of the list, high chair. Never in my life did I think I'd have to go over the things I'd need for a baby, especially my own. This is going to be a lot harder than they make it look on tv, at least those girls have parents who want to help a little bit.
I've got nobody, except Gerard.

He's gonna be there for me, he said so. He said we'd find a way out of this together but I don't see how he'll be able to help. It's not gonna be easier for me to get a job or find somewhere to live, nothing he can do will be able to make a difference. I don't know how this is gonna work, how he'll be able to help. He's got a job he has to do everyday, paperwork to fill out, meetings to go to. He's in the grown up world and I'm a kid, nine months from now I'll still be a kid and I can't change that.

Maybe there's a chance my parent's will understand. If I can properly explain it to them while conveniently leaving out the fact my child's father is a priest they might help me. Back home my room's easily big enough to fit a crib and a changing table, if they could cooperate everything could work out.

I reckon my Dad would help, it's just Mum who would refuse to listen. She'd give me the whole spiel about how I was a failure as a daughter to do something so stupid as to get pregnant as a teenager then she'd start up about how she was a horrible parent and could have done better if she sent me to church more, spent more time with me...bla, bla, bla.

I need to look her straight in the face and say 'Mum, I'm pregnant'. Maybe then she'll listen to me, she'll realise I'm not some kid who does everything she's told and is some poster perfect child who can do no wrong. My sister grew up to be successful and my brothers happy with his job as a musician and things were tough for them before they got anywhere. I can still be a band manager or a record producer, a baby isn't going to take away my ability to go to college or have a career as much as my parents would think the opposite.

Hmm, I guess I never thought about my sister or my brother. If I have to I could go live with them, Chrissy's got her big penthouse apartment in New York and that would easily have enough space for me to live and Dale has a house with his girlfriend in Lebanon. Dale and I have always gotten along really well and I know he'd welcome me with open arms, even April his girlfriend of seven years likes me. If I were to tell him I needed a place to stay he'd have a room set up for me before I'd even arrived.

He'd find me a place to work whether it was with the record company he's signed to or just a local place in the town. Why didn't it occur to me earlier to contact him? He'd help me, forget my parents, it's my brother I need to see.

I should call him before I get too far into this.

Realising I'd stopped moving and was standing in Gerard's office I began to walk again, pausing long enough to scoop my hoodie up off the couch on throw it over my shoulder as I went into the rest of the church, leaving the sleeping priest behind.

Because of the many calls I'd made to him while in America and the few here I knew my brothers number by heart and was mouthing it to myself over and over again as I crossed the darkened school grounds to return to my dorm. I could tell by the non existent light that it was late, eight, maybe nine at night, either that or the sun stopped working.

Shit that means dinner would have came and gone, fuck and I didn't even have lunch, just breakfast before I had to run off to get a pregnancy test. I think I have a bag of chips or something in my room, that'll have to do until tomorrow because there is no was I'm going to the dining hall to see if it's still open. If Archer's there I'll be in trouble for not being there earlier and I seriously don't feel like detention or whatever else she may throw at me.

I pushed the dorm door open and walked down the corridor to the side of the stairs, where the phone booth was kept. I did have a mobile in my room but Iris would be there and it'd be kinda hard to tell Dale I was pregnant when she was within hearing distance. Iris would ask a crapload of questions and I wasn't in the mood for giving an explanation, especially when I was still tired since I didn't get to have a thorough sleep.

With a sigh I took the phone off the hook and started dialling in the number to call to America. I couldn't remember the time difference between here and home so I hoped it wouldn't be some ridiculous time in the morning. When Dale used to live at home he would be in a legendarily bad mood when he woke up in the morning, the best thing to do would be to shove a piece of toast under his door and wait an hour.

After a minute or so there was a click and the sound of someone talking on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" I smiled hearing my brothers voice, happy from knowing my problems would be solved because he'd listen.

"Dale, it's Lainey." I said, waiting for a response and knowing it couldn't be too bad a time in America since he sounded wide awake and in a rather good mood to boot.

"Princess Elyria, how are you?" His voice was one of excitement and my smile grew wider as I leant against the wall, phone still pressed to my ear.

"Good, good but um, I'm kinda in a spot of trouble." I was chewing on my lip, knowing Dale would completely freak out when he heard what I had to say but he was rational so I know he'd listen in the end.

"Why, what's the matter?! Did something happen?!" Yeah, he was already on the path to spazz land, I need to rip this off like a bandaid and tell him before he starts to some up with any crazy assumptions.

"No, it's not an emergency or anything. It's just that...I'm pregnant." I sucked in a breath and clenched my jaw, nervous about hearing what he was gonna say, this'll probably turn out good but it doesn't mean I'm looking forward to Dale's reaction to hearing the fact I'm pregnant with a freaking tiny human being.

"How?! You're w- how?! How the hell did you get pregnant?!"

"Well, come on," I laughed nervously, "I think you know how someone gets pregnant." I did some more nervous laughter to fill the silence that made my skin itch, I'm kinda scared.

"Who is it? Who have you been fooling around with? I'll kill him." Okay, that took a turn I wasn't hoping for, I know I don't always get along with Father Way and he can be a bit of a jerk sometimes but I don't want him to be murdered.

"It's nobody, it doesn't matter and I called you up for a different reason anyway." I tried to brush it off, planning on distracting him with a request to stay at his house instead.

"No, give me a name right now." I couldn't lie to Dale, I've never been able to, he'd ask me to tell him the truth and I'd start babbling out an answer to anything he asked so of course it was impossible for me to keep a goddamn name to myself, no that's just too fucking difficult.

"Father Gerard Way." I felt like I needed to clap a hand over my mouth but it was much too late for that and I knew Dale had heard me, he doesn't miss anything and I swear to God he could hear a pin dropping to the floor in a noisy room.

"Huh?" His voice was chocked and there was no doubt as to why, he and Chrissy weren't christian either and happily lived as atheists but it didn't mean he didn't know what the term 'Father' meant.

"Father Gerard Way." I sighed, not bothering to change my answer, I'm gonna stick to my guns and hope for the best, that's how my life seemed to go anyway.

"Like, priest kinda Father?" I started to nod then pulled myself up and remembered he couldn't see me and I'd have to force the words out.

"Yeah, priest kind." I felt ashamed and I didn't know why, I'd never felt ashamed before. I know I didn't make the best choice getting pregnant to a priest but I never thought it was something I should feel bad about.
If I had to fuck around and get pregnant Gerard was probably the safest bet I could make.

"How did you manage that?! Are you seriously freaking kidding me?! A week ago you were saying how you were going to be in a damn school play, how do you go from that to pregnant?!"

"I-"

"Wait a second, is this that band priest you were talking about about?" Well he put the pieces together rather quickly but I've mentioned Gerard before so this didn't come as any great surprise to me.

"That, um, that'd be the one." I've pretty much told Dale about everything that's happened to me since I arrived here with the exception of the flirting and sex since my brother really didn't need to know about my sexual encounters and conquests.

"And how old is he?" Crap.

"Twenty four." I said hesitantly, flinching slightly and scuffing the tip of my sneaker on the wooden floor, waiting for him to say something.

"Where are you, what's the school address? I want it now." This took a turn I didn't want, I wanted him to listen and stay calm, not freak out and demand to know where I am, he's supposed to be the only rational person in my family.

I mumbled the address and stared at the floor that was basically invisible in the darkened hallway. I should have just kept this to myself, it was a mistake telling Dale and I've just dug my hole even deeper. He's probably gonna tell Mum and Dad and they'll chuck a fit and do something like send me to an orphanage or something else terrible like that.

"I'm coming to England as soon as possible, I'll be there in a week or so."

"No, no, you don't need to do that." I insisted, trying to stop him and remembering at the same time how decisive Dale could get and that he also had a habit of getting overprotective, I need to hang out with my brother more often but not under these conditions.

"Lainey, you are my seventeen year old sister. You are pregnant to a fucking priest and I'm coming to get you, I don't care what you say about it. You're going to destroy your own life and I plan to stop you." It disappointed to hear how he was treating me, I thought I could trust my brother yet I was proven very wrong.

I wanted to go live with him and April but I wanted it to be on my terms and further into the year, when I actually had to worry about it showing I was pregnant. Now as for as he was concerned I was a huge fuck up who must be an idiot since I got pregnant underage. I wasn't asking to go live with him and he wasn't agreeing, I was being dragged back to America because he thought that's what was best for me.

"I thought I could trust you," I sniffled into the phone, feeling upset that he didn't understand, "I thought you'd offer to help me, not go on a rant about how you're going to kill Gerard and take over my life." I ran the back of my hand over my face to wipe away the tears that were starting to flow from frustration and stress.

"You can trust me but I don't want you being in England anymore, it's not good for you and I don't want you being around that priest. He took advantage of you and he's old enough to know it." I internally snorted, he hardly took advantage of me, if anything I was the one who took advantage of him, he's the one who would ask me to stay after sex and I'd just be a cold hearted bitch.
Huh, I've never noticed how mean I could be to him.

"No, I'm not leaving. I've got friends, you've heard about them. Luka and Iris, plus there's nothing wrong with me being around 'that priest'. I've told him I'm pregnant and he's not gonna ditch me for it." I sniffled again and wrapped an arm around my stomach, thinking of the conversation Gerard and I had, had earlier.

"Lain, you don't understand..."

"No, Dale, I think you're the one who doesn't understand. Remember ten years ago when I was seven and you were eighteen? Mum and Dad wanted you to be a teacher but you wanted to travel and play your music and I told you to do what makes you happy. What you're doing now makes you happy doesn't it? You got to make your own decision and didn't do what other people wanted simply because it was convenient, you made the choice you could live with and now you're trying to force me into doing what you want!" I was shouting into the phone and there was a good chance people could hear me but hey, I'm passionate about my personal freedom.

"I was eighteen, I'd graduated and had my own car. I was ready to start college and I'd held a steady job for four years. You don't even have your license, you are nowhere near mature enough to go to college and I don't think you've even had a job. How on earth would you be able to handle a baby? There's taxes, a mortgage, shopping, you don't know how to do any life task without the help of Mum and Dad." I could hear April's voice in the background and could imagine her with a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down before he got too mad and started smashing things or yelling.

"I wanted to come live with you and I wanted you to help me figure all those things out but now it seems like if I come back to America you're just gonna force me into a room while you do everything for me. I'll have no independence whatsoever." He groaned loudly and followed the sound up with a sigh.

"I'm not gonna take over your life it's just that you're so damn stubborn and you always ignore what anyone else has to say and I'm worried you're gonna refuse help when it's offered to you." I'm not that stubborn and I know when I have to accept help, I freaking went to Dale for it and wanted it before he went crazy.

"Well I wanted your support at the start but I don't think I want it anymore. I've got to go." I decided I was over this conversation and needed to get some sleep, the whole thing would be going nowhere anyway, he'll keep insisting that I'll be returning to America and it'll be the rest of the night if I don't shut this down while I still can.

"Lainey, don't hang up on me. We haven't finished this discussion."

"Look, I'm fucking tired and you're kinda being a dick and not listening at all so I don't want to talk to you anymore." My sentence was short and simple enough for even him to understand in his bad mood, I was closing up the call then going to bed, I didn't care about dinner anymore.

"I'll let you go to sleep but I'm still coming to England and getting you and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it." I expected nothing less from him, he had a habit of being stubborn and I didn't think it was going to magically disappear just because I was pregnant.

"Fine but I want you to know that if you tell Mum or Dad I will cut off your balls and turn them into a pretty necklace for you to wear." We had a habit of threatening each other, me being the more creative threat maker of course.

"I'll keep this between us...for now. I love you sis." I grinned, I kinda felt like I'd won an argument, not really but I liked to pretend anyway.

"Love you too, bye." He mumbled a response before I hung up and leant against the wall once more, relaxing after a round of intense negotiations that neither of us truly won.

I took a deep breath before pushing off the wall and walking to the foot of the stairs. I didn't look forward to walking up them since they did an amazing job of making me feel tireder than I already was but I didn't get a choice in the matter and pushed on.

Muttering to myself about my dumb brother I fished my room keys out of my hoodie pocket and opened the door, finding Iris' nightlight on with her lying on her bed and quietly reading one of the books assigned for English class.

"Where have you been?" She asked, looking up as I walked over to my bed and started pulling my overly tight jeans off, not being bothered enough to get changed into pyjamas or any kind of sleeping accoutrement.

"Wishing I knew how to keep my legs shut." I replied, tossing the pants onto my laundry basket in the corner and putting my hoodie on the bed before climbing under the cool and ironed blankets that made me want to fall asleep.

"What about that um, test? What happened with that?" I sat up and searched through the hoodie, looking for that stupid test with the stupid double line proving just how stupid I was for not realising I should use a condom.

"Here." I lightly threw the test onto her bed so she could read it. I didn't even care if she knew, I was just too fucking bothered to go to the effort of giving a full explanation. She'd know what the lines meant and that said enough.

I dropped back down with my head on the pillow and rolled over so my back was facing her, an indication I didn't want to have a conversation at the moment and just wanted to sleep instead. It was obvious Iris would give me the third degree in the morning but she was smart enough to see I was feeling tired.

"Y-y-you're pregnant." She stuttered, it was obvious Iris had never been faced with a situation like this before, she was a good girl and didn't have to worry about being pregnant as a teenager, her life would go just fine.

"Mmm-hmm."

"Do you want to talk about it?" It was an offer I had no intentions of accepting.

"Would I like to talk about the fact I slept with someone I shouldn't even think of sexually and am now expecting his child? No, not really." I sounded grumpy but I didn't care, it'd stop Iris from asking any more questions and it was good enough for me.

"If you ever want to talk about it I'll be happy to listen." I expected nothing less of her, she was the kind of friend who'd back me up when I needed the help but I didn't need it right now and didn't want it either.

"Thanks." I muttered before curling up into a ball to warm myself up a little.

Iris didn't say anything else and turned the lamp off, plunging the room in darkness so both of us would be able to sleep. For a brief moment I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep and would be left with my thoughts and fears but my brain was quickly overwhelmed by exhaustion and within seconds I was out cold.

Notes