S-I-N, I, S-I-N

Gerard's POV
~~~
When I woke up I was very confused, very.
I seemed to be with a girl.

I've been alone for a while, a long while to be honest. I moved out of my parents house when I was sixteen and lived in a small apartment by myself and the only company I had was the occasional visit from a friend or my brother and the ever expected inflow of girls who would gladly throw themselves into my bed whenever I asked.

They'd never be there when I woke up though.
I grew accustomed to the loneliness.

But like most things I eventually got tired of it and after three years of living it up as a teen bachelor I joined the church. I'd never wake up next to a woman anyway so it's not like I'd be at a great loss and my parents had always wanted me to be a priest, it seemed like the perfect job.

From the age of eighteen to twenty I spent every moment with my head in a bible, learning as much as I possibly could and studying ever facet of the christian religion then when the time came I was sent into the world as a full fledged priest.

Two more years was spent travelling, working at different churches before I settled with a job at a boarding school called Rosehill Academy, I didn't have any problem that it was an all girl school either.
Even as a teenager I spent my time with women, women who knew what they were doing. Not screaming girls who listened to boy bands and platted each other's hair whilst whispering about crushes.

There had never been no doubt in my mind that I'd be able to easily ignore them and their near adorable attempts to flirt with me, a priest.

They knew they shouldn't but did it anyway...because they never expected to get a reaction from me.
At the most a slap on the wrist or detention, I was supposed to be the good guy, the one who never thought of sex or anything really dirty. I'm not supposed to smoke or swear or do anything bad.

For example if I were to suddenly push them against a wall and demand they undress they'd run off screaming like they little girlies they were which was a pleasant idea to entertain when even I grew tired from reading out of the bible on the podium in front of me.

That's how every day went from the second I started working at the school until the day she arrived.
She never tried to put up a front, to pretend she was a good girl, she's been the exact same from point A to point B.

Elyria or Lainey as she preferred had been walking around the church, looking at the small statutes of various saints and well known and respected religious figures, her lips moving as she silently talked to herself, not even realising she was doing it.

She was beautiful and that was blindingly obvious and a few girls at the school were equally good looking but as I said, they were girls.

Lainey had a uniqueness to her, she wasn't a girl, she was womanly and carried herself in a completely different manner.
Of course her red hair helped, I've always had a thing for redheads.

When I was a boy she would have been right up my alley, I would have done everything in my power to woo her and bring her home. There was a slight change of plans now, I'm no longer a boy and she wasn't a random woman I'd run into.

She was a student and I was a priest, which on the scale of fine to forbidden was right up the top.
So instead of giving her the charming grin all ladies loved, I smiled politely (after she'd finished her blasphemy of course), shook her hand and introduced myself as Father Gerard Way, the title I was known by.

I'd already received instructions that there was a new student coming all the way from America and that I was to show them around so I was in a worked up state by the time she arrived. It could get annoying being surrounded by English people all the time and it was a rare blessing to hear the accent of an American so I was more than happy to hear a voice that sounded like it came from a region near Chicago.

She was mildly taken with my life, asking some basic questions and giving off the friendly aura I got from most girls at the school and my fascination in her began to wain quickly, immediately coming to the conclusion I'd gotten the wrong perspective and that she was like everyone else.
Man had I been wrong.

It didn't take long after that for her sarcasm to kick in alongside insults she would have hurled at other students if I weren't to stop her. She had zero interest in religion much unlike other girls and when she had to say a prayer before eating she behaved as if I'd asked her to change the direction of the earths orbit.

Then there was the discussion she initiated over dinner was one about bands and after we were interrupted by a fight breaking out between Iris and Tiffany (the human representations of predator and prey) she threw herself into it head first and punched the girl who would have been at least twice her size. I gave the fighting pair detention, separate from worry they might go at it again and the next surprise I received from the feisty package Lainey was her fearlessness of disobeying authority.

I'd been given a death glare then got told angrily 'go screw yourself, Father Way' before she marched away, Iris mumbling a thank you then following the redhead.

I was stunned to say the least.
Everything kinda went downhill from there.

She became flirty in a confusing manner, calling me Father Way or just Father and unlike the rest of the school who called me the exact same thing I was ashamed to admit to myself that I was turned on to hear the name pour from her rosy pink lips.

Of course she did an excellent job of counteracting every attractive thing she did with the help of a snide comment, which was to be expected since I wasn't the politest I've ever been in my life and she was entitled to respond as she saw fit.

We'd also had out brief bouts of bonding, for example when she suddenly showed up at midnight in the gazebo in her pyjamas with a Led Zeppelin jacket zipped up over a singlet that was more than slightly stretched over her well endowed chest.

There was no doubt she knew she shouldn't be out there but technically I should have been in bed also, not texting to my little brother with a cancer stick in the side of my mouth and the sounds of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars blaring in my ears.

Lainey had been annoyed because her lighter wasn't working, I gave her mine and the next thing I knew we were sitting on the old gazebo bench together, each of us with a cigarette in hand and sharing a bonding moment with Rock 'n' Roll Suicide.

Flashing into the future I'd been thrown onto the judging panel for the auditions of Peter Pan, I don't think I could have wanted to be there less if I tried but I knew I had to suffer through it so I put myself on a setting where I could cope with hearing the same lines repeated over and over, all day long. I was thankfully awarded a break when I turned to see the now inseparable friends known as Iris and Lainey walking towards the stage.

I already knew it was compulsory for each student to audition for one character or another but I'd actually expected Lainey to find some way out of it, she was that kind of person.

Without meaning to I got a bit excited when she showed up and accidentally voiced my opinions in a situation where everyone would take me deadly serious.

'Actually, I think she'd make a beautiful Wendy' had been what I was thinking in response to Coping asking Lainey if she'd like to be the narrator, I originally had no intention of saying it out loud, it didn't make her too happy either.

Because Iris and Lainey had been the last to audition I got to leave the music hall at the same time as her which meant I received the full brunt of anger which was more or less a rather loud 'go fuck yourself, Father Way, you stupid, uppity priest' and some under her breath muttering. I gave her detention for it too, it's not like I had any other option, that's what I had to do.

Then like having it rain at a concert that boy showed up...Luka, what a ridiculous name. He'd flirted with her, she flirted back (for some inexplicable reason) and they apparently befriended one another since they grouped up quite a lot. Fortunately any of the attraction she used to hold for him has faded away into dust and they seem like friends at the most, nothing between them anymore.
At the time though there was another part of me that took over, the younger part who thought he was still in high school and was able to throw fits whenever he felt like it.

I called up one of my best friends and arranged a date for us to play a gig, like we'd done a few times before when I got annoyed by what was popping up in my life, it was therapy to me and it helped.
After that it'd been a matter of my stupidity taking over to the point of not realising Lainey had snuck off grounds and flashed a false ID to get into the exact bar my band had been playing at. I remember seeing a flash off red hair but my inner logic out it down to the lights in the room or the possibility of it being someone else but it was never gonna be someone else. My luck demanded it be her and that a student be given the opportunity to blackmail me.

The worst thing about the night would have had to be my aforementioned friend getting a bit too friendly with her and suggesting he was planning to have sex with her which I was going to allow over my own dead body. The thought of anyone doing that, anyone but me hurt and I refused to let it go on no matter what, not to mention I could see she was uncomfortable.

If I had to name a night when I realised I liked her much more than I should I'd have to say it was that night.

I was a little rougher with her than I should have been but I had a blurred mixture of emotions inside me, anger for myself, anger for her, the confusing feeling that kept telling me I should forget the job I've had for four years and kiss her already.

I wanted to, I really wanted to and I'll always believe I should get a medal for not doing it.
There was no doubt in my mind that I came out as an asshole to her, not a guy trying to resist everything that went against his better judgement. I don't think picking her up and carrying her to my car like a caveman was a great idea either, it appears I become a complete idiot when I'm around her.

It was about a week after that incident when I made another huge mistake, this one being the biggest to date. I spent a whole night awake, doing paperwork and such, drinking more coffee than any person should and struggling to keep my eyes open.

By the afternoon when everyone was up and around I'd managed to allocate myself a spot on the exhaustion train where I was normal without being entirely normal.
In other words after I finished talking to Iris who asked for help arranging a birthday party for her friend I screwed up and asked her to send said friend in.

I'm completely sure of what I was saying to Lainey once she came into the church, I only remember sounding a bit too possessive considering my role in her life and then the electric feeling of pressing my lips to hers.
You could say it escalated quickly.

Then there was also the electric feeling of the side of my face stinging after she slapped me, she kinda earned her right to do that and I knew if I genuinely wanted her to hate me I could have given her detention on the spot but decided to let it slip since I was being a sleep deprived moron who'd kissed a teenager.

After the kiss was when I made the decision I was damned and would without a doubt go to hell for what I've done, the thoughts I've had and the things I've said to myself...and her, so I might as well go all out before I die.

I could have picked any normal day to attempt to kiss her again but went for the most dramatic option because why the hell not?

Iris helped me come up with the idea of what we should do for Lainey and with the basic plan of rose petals and a surprise in mind I told her about the basement in the church that we ended up spending all day cleaning out before herding half the cast of Peter Pan into the huge concrete cellar.

Like the helpful person she is Iris fetched Lainey while I waited in the basement, occasionally talking with some of the girls or other staff members, including Bethany Coping who had taken a moment from her scatterbrained thinking to be smart enough to get a cake.

By the time the redhead finally showed up I was having an internal dilemma of whether I what I planned to do was bad or not, the answer I came up with was yes, it was very bad but I was going to do it anyway because I'd came to the conclusion a long while ago that I'm a bad man.

I have to admit that the single most satisfying thing in my entire life was her giving me permission to kiss her, mixed with the look in her eyes, it was almost addictive, like a drug and I quickly figured out I was more taken with her than she was with me. Her lips were sweet from the cake and she was so nervous I could feel her heart beating with my chest pressed against hers, just the memory of it makes goosebumps rise on my skin.

Unfortunately we'd been interrupted which I could now deal with since she'd willingly kissed me so she'd obviously do it again.

The night of her birthday proved just how much of a fighter she is and when I finally decided to look for her I went on what Genevieve said earlier about Tiffany being behind the dorm. I saw the cuts and small bruises on Iris' skin earlier and I know Lainey was not on the best terms with Tiff so there wasn't any doubt in where she'd be.

If they were the same size there was a good chance she would have one the fight but there was a minimum five inch height difference between the two and Lainey was actually gentler person than Tiffany so I knew I had to get her out of there before she suffered any severe damage that couldn't be fixed with a bandaid or ice pack.

Because of my feelings it can sometimes seem like a curse but on the rare occasion being a priest can be a blessing, for example, people listen to you more.

I had to literally pull Lainey out of the fight, I wrapped my arms around her waist and held on until she calmed down. When I finally saw her face I was shocked but managed to keep it inside so she didn't see. It was as if she'd been in a boxing match and I felt terrible, knowing if I came out of the church sooner she would have been fine.

From that night on I naturally assumed nothing much would change, maybe a few more secret kisses to add the the belt of whatever the hell it that we had going on.
Then, like always, Lainey surprised me once more.

It was the twenty second and I'll remember it no matter what.

I'd spent the day hanging out with my band, chatting, practicing songs and after a couple of hours they cracked me enough that I was willing to have a beer or two. I'd like to blame the alcohol for my behaviour towards her but in the end it was partially me.

She'd come to the confessional, a note of worry in her voice as she started off. Keep in mind she'd pretty much avoided me for a whole week so I was a little bored and the urge to flirt with her so she became flustered was overwhelming. But when she said 'it was just me in the shower naked and you came in', that's when a new thought entered my mind and I chose to take advantage of her slip.

I teased her and I thought it was hilarious then once she said she was leaving a weight fell on me, for the first time in a long while I felt lonely again because I knew she was leaving me alone and more than likely planning to avoid me once more. So I grabbed her wrist, pulled her into my side of the booth, and kissed her.

If she wanted me to I would have quickly let her go and I certainly didn't originally plan for her clothes to land on the floor and I didn't expect for us to do what what we did, especially in the confessional.
It just happened.

She'd been almost too much for me to handle, almost and any restraint that I should have had went out the window when I reminded myself how long it'd been since I was last with a woman, four years.
I might as well have had my virginity reinstated.

By the end the feelings I had for her had taken a different turn to what I expected, going from lust and a slight interest in dating her to the full blown fact that the thought of her being with anyone else but me was painful. I wanted to call her my own and I tried to get her to stay with me.

Before I could ask her if she wanted to come back to my room with me she was putting on her clothes which is a damn obvious sign she didn't think of me like I thought of her. For a moment I considered admitting I loved her but went with the sensible option of wishing her sweet dreams instead because if I were to say the L word to her, she would have ran a mile.

It reminded me of my teen years, except this time I didn't even get to fall asleep next her and I woke up just as alone as I was then, it was terrible but I had to get up, shower and set up for mass. The only thing putting a smile on my face was knowing I'd get to see her afterwards.

From then on I made up my mind that I was going to win her over but I didn't have the slightest idea how I was going to. I'd never tried to get a girl to stay with me before and the best example I had of winning over someones heart was what my father used to do for my mother, they'd fight, he'd come home with a piece of shiny jewellery the next day and then everything would be alright again.

It didn't take a genius to figure out Lainey had no interest in jewellery, I'm not sure she even brushed her hair when getting out of bed in the morning. When getting her something for Christmas I went on what I heard her say from overhearing a conversation between her and Iris, 'you can buy my love in band merch'.

I'm not sure what I got her was as good as band merch but I'd been given two free tickets to a Pierce The Veil concert and I guessed they'd be something she'd like.
Judging by the look on her face when she opened the plain white envelope she was happy and I got a dazzling smile that left me stunned.

I was happy from knowing she was happy and spent the rest of the day with an uncharacteristic grin spread stupidly across my face. The more time I spent with her the happier I felt, she gave off an energy that made me feel like a dork with a stupid crush and I kinda liked it.
She didn't even realise it but every little thing she did made me feel better and after hearing a certain line I felt like nothing would ever be able to bring me down.

'I'm pregnant.'

I'd never considered the possibility of being a dad, mainly because I've only been A, a horny idiot or B, a priest. Hearing the admission made me want to throw my career away and run off with her, screw being a priest, screw this job and screw everything else. I only need my band and her, that's enough for me but it was her body, she was the one who was pregnant and I didn't get the final say with what she chose to do with the baby.

I want her to keep it, I want to look down at its small fingers and toes and know that I took part in making a human being and I want her to feel the same way.
It would have been better if I hadn't been half asleep when she told me, maybe I might have been able to get my point across clearer then instead of some tired rambling about taking her clothes shopping for the baby and admitting I wanted it to be a girl.

Then all the exhaustion of late nights and not enough sleep hit me like a ton of bricks and I lay down, my head in her lap as if we were any normal loving couple despite us being far from it. From then I wished I was normal, I wished I was a boy who went to high school with her so we could fall in love like most teenagers do. I'd take her out to movies and concerts and try to make her smile every second of the day.
I wished I was a boy again but as smart as I am now so I wouldn't waste my time with people who I could never wake up to.

If I was her age and went to high school then she might love me back, that's all I really wanted. It wouldn't matter if she was pregnant, we could elope and get married in Vegas, she could live on the tour bus with me and the band.
It would make life perfect.

But I didn't get to have that, I'd have to take what I could get. Waking up on the couch with her small sleeping body beside me for example. Small doses of happiness are better than wishing for something that'd never happen.

Once I'd sat up I was awake enough to process everything that was going on and I knew she'd feel sore if she were to sleep on that couch, I've learnt my lesson from napping there before so being as careful as I could I stood up, put my arms under her shoulder and legs then lifted her light frame up.

Other than a few mumbles she didn't stir and I knew I couldn't take her back to her room, I may be a priest but there was no way I'd be able to explain carrying a student out of my office at (according to the clock on my desk) six at night. Still feeling sleepy myself I went with the first thought to pop into my head and carried her to the door near my desk that most definitely didn't lead into the church.

I struggled with the handle for a couple of seconds before finally getting it on the right angle and door swung open, revealing the small space I lived in that she'd asked about before. My bed was still unmade from this morning when I'd tried to sleep for a while, the covers were flipped back and it allowed me to put her down on the soft mattress much more easily.

Lainey mumbled a few words to quiet for me to understand and curled up, head on the pillow as I pulled the blankets up over her, I didn't want her to catch a cold. Knowing she was asleep in my bed I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on the stacks of paperwork I should be completing so I decided to put it off for one night.
It's not like it'd kill me.

I dropped down on the opposite side of the bed and took my shoes over before climbing under the covers, I needed to sleep just as much as she did.

I have no idea what I'm going to do when she wakes up. We still have a lot of talking to do, about the baby. How we were going to explain it when the time came, what she was going to do when she finally had it.

I have about as much of an idea as to what I should do about it as I had before I fell asleep for the first time. My best bet is to hope she can come up with something, Lainey's a smart girl and smarter than me by miles.

I feel as if she can love me back everything will be alright, like her affection will unlock a magic spell that will get us of the spot of trouble we've gotten ourselves in.
But at the end of the day we need more than a magic spell, we need a miracle.

Notes