Cemetery Drive

Every breath I take I feel like I am about to fall and never come back up. My body is nothing but a puppet. I feel empty and useless all the time. You’re supposed to feel emotions, but, why can’t I? Sure, I show emotion, but I can’t feel anything. I don’t know how it feels like to be happy. I don’t know how it feels like to be safe. I don’t know how it feels like to love.

I have said ‘I love you’ before, but thinking of it. I never truly meant it. I never loved. Despite the times I’ve said it. I truly never loved and it only makes a more empty. I lie awake many times thinking of how alone I am. Even when I am with you I feel empty. Every night I sweat because of a panic attack. I don’t know how to breathe properly and it makes me pass out. The only way I am able to sleep.

Now you know why I don’t like to sleep with a shirt on. The only time I feel normal is when you’re sleeping with me. I don’t wake up in a pool of sweat and my breathing is fine. You are the only thing keeping me from become a full on puppet. I am half way there anyways.

No one knows how it is to be me. I don’t show expressions on my face, I don’t feel anything, but I tend to react to them. You’re the reason why I smile and show expressions, but if you truly knew how I felt towards you. You would run, but I don’t want that. I like having you around and I like how you make me smile, but my heart is long gone. If I ever wanted to love you, I-I couldn’t.

It makes me cry knowing that I can probably never love you. You might love me, but I won’t love you. You deserved to be loved, but you can’t get love from me. My heart is dead and gone, believe me, so I can’t feel. The only thing I can feel is how you make feel warm inside and how, happy? You make me. I don’t know if I feel happy when you’re with me. I don’t know how it feels to be happy and to be honest, I don’t think I will ever feel.

After thinking of how dead inside I am, a bright light appeared into my room before I was drifting off to sleep. I jolt up and look at the light. My eyes widened as my mouth dropped, thinking my mind is deceiving me. This can’t be. Did I do something wrong? The light dimmed and I was able to see her clearer without being blinded.

“L-Lindsey? W-What are you doing here?” I started to panic, only my face showing it instead of my body.

“PUT A SHIRT ON RIGHT NOW! WE NEED TO GO TO THE CEMETERY!” She yelled, running across my room, tossing me a shirt.

I didn’t hesitate as the puppet I am. I slipped on the shirt, then grabbing my shoes as I followed Lindsey who was already running out of my apartment. I hoped down the stairs as I slipped a shoe on, which is not a good idea to do since it’s dangerous, but I am dead so I don’t care. Once I had them on, I caught up speeds with Lindsey.

She was surprisingly fast for someone in heels and I wonder where she got the modern clothing. I am also wondering if people can see her glowing like I am. All of that is irrelevant at the moment. Right now, I need to think of why is she here. Why she wants me to go to the Cemetery. Why she is so eager about it. How did she come back and did I mess up?

I don’t want to think that I messed up. I don’t think I could ever live with me undead self, if I knew I caused Gerard any harm. Wait. Is that why we are heading to the Cemetery? There’s no other reason for me to go to the Cemetery that doesn’t involve Gerard or hanging out. From how frantic Lindsey is, I don’t think it’s to hang out.

“HURRY FRANK!!!!” She yelled as she was becoming faster than me.

I picked up the pace, going faster than I thought I could go. I caught up to her speed once again, which by the time I did we were turning into the lot. We slowed a bit for our respect for the dead, but we were still haulin ass.

“Frank to your grave now!” She said sternly, looking back at me as she stopped.

She wants me to use my grave? No, I can’t do that! I can’t do that to Gerard. She made sure I never used it and now she wants me to use it? But Gerard. I can’t. Maybe if-

“Frank quit staling you’re going to lose him!” Lindsey screeched.

Lose him? Does she mean Gerard? Fuck she does! I messed up! He is going to take his life! I can’t let that happen! I WON’T LET IT HAPPEN! At that moment, I felt something in my chest, but I ignored it and felt the tears streaming down my face. I wiped them, sniffing before I began heading to my grave.

I hope I am not too late. I can’t lose him. I can’t lose the only thing that makes me alive. I am tired of being heartless and a fucking puppet! Gerard is the only thing keeping me human and hearing that I am about to lose him, makes me fall into the deep abyss I was already falling. This time, falling and hitting the ground finally if I see him dead.

I get to the back and I am thankful to see him still standing. Unfortunately, he is ready to pull the trigger to gun that is firmly against his head. I began to cry even more seeing this beautiful man about to take his life. I snapped and I ran towards him. I grabbed his wrist, making him stop. Gerard got scared and pulled the trigger.

I cried at the sound of the gunshot go off. I shut my eyes closed and hugged the dead close. I felt something wet run down my shoulder and I assumed it was his blood. I pulled away to see no blood dripping down my shirt, but tears. My eyes widened. Is he alive?

He moved his head and buried it deeper into my shoulder. The gun he was holding in one of his hands, dropped to the ground. I hugged him tighter, seeing he was alive. How was that possible? He pulled the trigger. Gerard wrapped his arms around my neck and continued to cry.

“Gerard…h-h-how? W-W-Why?” I choked out.

“I-I-I-I sh-sh-shot u-up, F-Frank-kie.” He stuttered horribly as his small frame shivered against me.

I pulled away and picked him up. He was a shaking mess, that couldn’t get any words out properly. From how badly he was shaking, he passed out in my arms. I think that was the best for him to do at this particular moment. He was under pressure from about to die and he will panic if he sees Lindsey, who is waiting for me at the entrance.

I began to walk back to her, tears still streaming down my face. Gerard will be freaking out when he wakes up and when he sees Lindsey. It’s best if she leaves before he wakes up, but she needs to stay. I need answers. I need to know. I need to know what does it mean.

Lindsey comes into view and her face has gone pale. More pale than a dead persons, but you get the picture. Her eyes were wide. Her hands placed over her mouth as she cried seeing Gerard. As I got to her she took a look at Gerard. How awful he looked. From how beaten up he looks, how tired he looks, how skinny he is, to how broken he is.

“Is he dead?” She whispered.

“N-No. J-Just a p-p-panic attack.”

She hummed, nodding. She moved his hair out of his face as she looked at him, sadness written all over her face. I sniffed and began to walk.

“Come on.” I said slowly.

We began our walk back to my apartment. I walked slow as my puppet body was giving up on me. I wanted to fall down and scream. I wanted to kill Bert for driving this amazing man to suicide. Sure, you get what everyone gets; which is a life time, but dragging someone to suicide is awful.

We got back to my building and we were relieved it was 5 in the morning, so no one was in the lobby. We walked back up the stairs, being careful to not hit his head on the way up. Due to being uncapable to open the door, since I had Gerard in my hands. I had to ask Lindsey to get my key from my pocket.

She denied the first few times, leading us to quietly argue in the hall. She soon gave up and got my key and opened my door. I walked in and headed straight to my room, gently setting Gerard on my bed to sleep peacefully for a bit till he wakes up.

I headed out to my kitchen and pulled a lily from the vase that I still had, since our date. I didn’t dry the end of it and carried it back to my room, placing it on my night stand. I sniffed and looked at Gerard. He looked like he was struggling with something. His hands were clenched to the sheets and his mouth kept twitching. He was sweating. I began to cry again.

I moved his hair out of his face and gently pecked his forehead. I sniffed and walked out of my room. Leaving my beautiful Gerard struggle, unconscious. I went straight to my living room and plopped down crying. Lindsey walked over to me and sat down in the small space I left on the couch.

“I think you would like an explanation to why he almost killed himself?” Lindsey whispered.

“WELL NO SHIT!” I hissed, sitting up on the couch.

Lindsey’s eyes widened as she was taken back from me attacking her.

“I think it would be best for Gerard to tell you that, but I should explain myself.” She said shyly.

I calmed down a bit and sat back into the couch. I waited for Lindsey to speak. She took a deep breath, sighing dramatically before she opened her mouth.

“I have been watching you guys since I sent you back Frank.”

I groaned and let her continue.

“I’ve seen how you have changed and I’ve seen how Gerard has changed since you guys met. You have been showing expressions. You have been emotionless since you died and you meet Gerard and all of the sudden you are living once again. That’s why brought you back. You didn’t deserve to die unhappy and neither does Gerard. Since he met you he finally smiled. I’ve seen how his Zacky makes him feel and it’s not right. I sent you here to save him and you almost messed it up Frank.”

“It’s hard to save someone you want to love if you can’t feel anything! I am trying Lindsey. I am trying to save him, but I can’t even save myself. He almost died, because I have been failing to save him. I want to make him happy, but I can’t if I don’t even know how to be happy. I tried thinking of how Jamia made me feel and it has been working so far, but it’s hard to tell with Gerard. Jamia wasn’t broken and she was always telling me how she feels. With Gerard h-he talks about what Bert does to him, but nothing more than that. Well other than his love for art and dead things.” I briefly smiled at the comment, sighing as Lindsey smirked at my smile.

“I-I just don’t know. I’ve been thinking of that fucking riddle you told me and I still can’t think of what it means.”

“As lead rains on your bullets, can lead to your gun loaded. Unload your gun, what’s next can’t be undone?” She questioned.

“Please tell me what does it mean, Lindsey!” I yelled.

“I am not telling you Frank! All I will say is that Gerard knows the riddle, but he doesn’t know the meaning.”

“How the fuck does he know?” I hissed.

She bit her lips, nervously as If she was afraid to say how he knows.

“After you did that romantic evening for Gerard, when you guys feel asleep I managed to show up in his dream and told him the riddle.” She whispered.

“Why.” I spat.

“Because he is included into the riddle if you haven’t figured that part out yet!”

I sighed and closed my eyes. I knew it has to do with something with Gerard, but what. I know it’s metaphorically talking about something and using a gun and its bullets to hide what it is. I have a feeling that it has to do something with- Oh. My. God. I jolt up and look Lindsey dead in the eye, shook written all over my face.

“I have been here far too long. I need to get going.” She says getting up.

“Wait!”

Lindsey kindly smiles and begins to glow again.

“Don’t fuck up Frank. You know what the riddle means now.”

Without stopping her, she vanished, sending the room into a bright mess before going back to being dark. The bright shook wave, sent me collapsing onto the floor. I groaned, landing on my elbows. I have a stinging pain in my chest. It felt familiar to what I felt at the Cemetery, but this felt worse. I don’t want to focus on it. I need to check on Gerard.

I get up, groaning and head to my room. I walk in and see Gerard finally awake. He is lazily playing with the lily I left for him. I watch him a bit feeling a smile creep on my face and something pounding in my chest. Once again, I’ve ignored it. Gerard looks up to acknowledge I am here. He gently smiles and gets up. Setting the lily back on the night stand.

He slowly walks over to be and hugs me. I didn’t hesitate to hug back. I kissed the side of his head, while one of my hands ran up and down his back.

“I am sorry Frankie.” He says looking up at, sadness in his eyes.

I cupped his face and pecked his lips.

“You’re safe now. I am here.”

He blushed and melted into my touch.

“I-I didn’t w-want t-t-to, but the a-amount o-of blood I lost and h-how B-Bert-“

He was choking on words, so I kissed him to calm him down.

“Calm down, okay? Let’s get you cleaned up and give you something of mine to wear.”

He nodded and sniffed. I gave him a kind smile, before I picked him up bridal style and carried him to the bathroom. I gently set him in the tub as I went to get the first aid. I walked back to Gerard, who was biting his lip furiously. I lifted his chin up so he would look at me.

“Don’t do that please.”

He nodded and stopped biting his lip.

“Can you take of your shirt for me? I see deep wounds throw the ripped fabric.”

“N-No.” He stuttered, fear in his voice.

“Gerard, it’s me Frankie. I just want to clean up your wounds.”

Gerard looked at me, tearing up.

“I’ll look away for you to take it off.” I said and left the room.

Bert has traumatized him so much, that he can’t take off his clothes. I don’t blame him. He is just scared and doesn’t really trust anyone, besides me. I sighed and turned around and knocked on the door.

“Can I come back in now?” I gently asked.

“Y-Yeah.” He stuttered from the other side.

I opened the door, closing it behind me before walking back to Gerard. I at the same was terrified and amazed. He looks beautiful, but his wounds are terrifying. I didn’t look too long, because I don’t want to make Gerard more uncomfortable than he already is. I knelt and grabbed what I needed and began to clean him up.

He hissed and I quickly pulled away. I waited for him to relax again, before cleaning him again. I was as gently as possible, but he was still flinching and hissing. Although will all the flinching and hissing, he was doing better than the first few times I’ve cleaned him up. He wasn’t yelling at me or being rude. I wrapped bandages all around him and helped him out of the tub.

“Can you walk, or do you need me to carry you again?”

“I can walk, but I wanna be carried.”

I chuckled and picked him up gently. He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I carried him to my room and placed him on my bed as I went to find him to wear, since it’s already 7 am. I grabbed him one of my black button ups and red ties, along with a ripped pair of jeans.

I gave it to him and walked out for him to change. I went to go make us coffee as he changed. I didn’t hear Gerard enter the kitchen as I made our coffees, so when he snaked his arms around my waist I jumped.

“Gerard!” I chuckled as I turned around to face him.

“Sorry.” He said, pecking my lips.

“It’s alright.” I said and turned back around to finish our coffees.

I handed him his mug and grabbed my own, walking to the living room to relax as we sipped our drinks. I couldn’t get what Lindsey said, so I couldn’t relax. I need to talk to Gerard about it, but first I need to see where he stands with Bert.

“Gerard?” I said, getting his attention.

“Hmm?” I said, drinking his coffee.

“Bert gave you the gun, didn’t he?”

Gerard looked down, on the brink of tears again.

“He threw the gun at me, because I have become so useless and disgusting to him.”

He began to cry again. I got alerted, setting my coffee down on the coffee table and pulled him into a hug.

“I don’t want to him to see him!” He bawled against my shirt.

“Shhh, you won’t have to.” I whispered.

Gerard pulled away to set his coffee down, before he yelled.

“How!”

“Gerard, he let you go. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore, so he threw you out in the worst way possible. You’re free now Gerard. You can officially be mine.”

“H-He dumped m-me?” Gerard asked with a smile on his face.

I nodded, grinning so big.

“I have never been so happy to be dumped!” He cheered.

“So, does that mean I am your boyfriend, Frankie?”

“Fuck yeah it does!” I said hugging him tight.

Gerard is mine now. I am so h-happy?

Notes

Sorry if its triggering! I wasnt in the best mood again to type this, but to make up for killing Gerard. I made Frank save him and gave it a cheery ending to this chap. Feedback will be great. Also if you want to personally to me about the fic or want to keep up with me if ur like that. My instagram is (Mymixednuts) check it out? :/

xojordan