Cemetery Drive

I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me, after all the things we put each other through. You shouldn’t be worrying about me all the time. I know seeing someone that means a lot to you be injured or hurt in any way can be triggering. I j-just don’t want you to worry anymore. I want to make it up to you.

You’ve helped me through many months. For crying out loud. You pulled the gun away from my head. I am more than thankful of you doing that. You’ve done so much for me and it just seems like I haven’t done anything in return. I have no clue what to do for you, but I think I can come up with something.

I was snapped by into reality by Frank, slightly shaking me. Frank looked at me concerned, maybe even upset. I’ve seen his face react before, but this time his eyes were glowing. They are normally dull. This is strange. I shrug it off as of right now. I kindly smile to the man I love who I don’t like to see worrying about me. Hopefully he is done worrying about me soon.

“Are you okay Gerard?” He whispered. His voice slightly cracking.

“I am okay Frankie. Just thinking. Thank you for worrying.”

Frank sighs and smiles gently at me. He calmly kisses the side of my head and goes to grab our dinner. My mouth watered from looking at the most full plate of breakfast I’ve seen. It might’ve been just potatoes and bacon, but God. For me it’s like a goddamn buffet.
“Thank you, Frankie.” I say, pulling Frank down to kiss him.

He smiles into the kiss quickly, before pulling away. I got sad from losing contact, but I understand why he pulled away quickly. He was still holding his dinner in one hand and if he carried on with the kiss he would’ve spilled it on us. He pecks my lips before he went to sit down.

“Anytime.” He smiles at me in response to my thank you.

I picked up the spoon that was already on the plate and savagely attacked the potatoes. Frank chuckled at my childish behavior, so I took one of his bacon strips. He dramatically gasped as if he was offended. He placed his own hand to his chest and looked at me with a ‘how dare you’ look.

I choked on my food, from laughing. I drank the water Frank had gotten up and gotten for me. I drank enough to pass the potatoes that were stuck in my throat. I sat the water down while Frank kissed the side of my head. Things like this make me love him more and just makes me feel like I owe him more. Frank pulled away from me to return to his seat to his dinner that is missing a bacon.

“I’m sorry for making you choke Gerard.” He said.

“It’s okay Frankie. Just don’t make me laugh when there’s food in my mouth.”

“Alright.”

I grabbed the bacon I took from him to give it back, but he refused.

“I am a vegetarian. I made these all for you anyways.” He said grabbing the other bacon pieces on his plate and passing them to me.

My eyes popped from the glory that is bacon. I snatched them from his hand and put them on my plate. He once again laughed at my childish behavior. I shrugged and ate a piece. I soon finished the entire plate, wiping my semi-greasy fingers on a napkin. Frank got up and carried our plates to the sink, only rising them.

Frank then walked back towards me and picked me from the seat. I squealed and wrapped my arms around him. Frank chuckled and carried me to the living room, placing me laying down on the couch. He went to the shelf by his tv and plopped a movie in. Frank then walked over and lied behind me on the couch, wrapped and arm around my waist as his other arm elevated his head.

“You know feeding me a lot in a day and always carrying me around is going to make me fat.”

“I am okay with that. You having a little belly and a chubby face will be adorable.” He said kissing me.

I blushed and kissed him back. The movie started playing and I couldn’t keep my eyes off Frank. He is doing too much for me. Not that I don’t mind, I just want to do something in return. Frank catches my gaze on him and looks at me. His flashes a smile at me, as I returned one.

“I want to do something for you. It’s not fair that you are always doing something for me and I am not doing anything for you.”

Frank pecked my lips, before speaking.

“You don’t have to Gerard. Having you safe and officially my boyfriend is enough for me.”

“That’s the thing Frankie. All the pain I put you through before I was safe is what makes me feel like I owe you.”

“You don’t though.”

“But I want to Frankie!” I argued.

“Gerard having you safe is all I want from you.”

“That’s not enough though!”

“It is enough Gerard!”

“Why are you so against me doing something sweet for you?” I hissed.

Frank groaned, getting up and walking away to I guess our room, slamming the door hard. Frank has never acted this way towards me before and to admit. I am fucking worried. Should I follow him? From how hard he slammed the door it seems like a ‘fuck off’ I get up and slowly walk over to the door, gently knocking on it.

I didn’t get a respond so I open the door. I almost started to cry when I opened the door to see Frank sitting against the wall so pale and emotionless. He looks dead. Ironically since he kind of is, but I never noticed this. My heart broke from seeing the man I love look like this.

For once I stopped looking at his beauty and focused on how he actually looks. How his scars are well defined and horrid. How pale his skin is than the average pale person is worrying. I’ve been to blind to focus on that. You can see how dead he is. The little glow I saw in his eyes earlier today had left.

Frank snaps his gaze to me and I see them glow again, but soon they fade when he looks back at the ceiling. Do they only glow when he looks at me? Frank sighs and closes his eyes. I continue to tear up looking at him in this state.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

I continue to look at him, my eyes still watering.

“I’m sorry.” He repeats, crying this time.

I had enough of looking at him like this. I knelt and pulled him into a hug. He cried onto my shoulder as he held onto me tight for a change. I kissed the side of his head, while one of my hands ran up and down his back.

“It’s okay.” I reassured him.

“No, it’s not.” Frank sniffed.

I continue to kiss the side of his head, waiting till he has settled down. Once he did, I looked at his sad eyes that appear to be glowing. He looked at me, tears about to form again. I sighed, before speaking.

“Frankie, you’re pale and look dead.” I pointed out.

“That’s because I can’t feel emotions.” He states.

“How can that be?” I questioned.

“I can show them, but I can’t feel them. I haven’t been able to feel anything since 1809. You don’t know how dead I am Gerard.”

I looked at him puzzled and hurt.

“When I am with yo-“

“So how to act towards me is nothing more than an act?!” I cut in.

“Gerard, no! Let me ex-“

“No! I get it!” I yell.

I got up and ran out of the room, running out of his apartment too. I can’t believe it! Why was I dumb enough to fall in love with a dead guy who doesn’t even care about me! He only acts like he does! I felt the warm tears flow down my face as I ran. I don’t know where else to go other than the Cemetery. It’s somewhat a bad place to run to at the time due to Bert being closer to the Cemetery than Frank and well. Bert can’t know I am still alive. God I would prefer to be dead at the moment

I looked behind me and see Frank crying, chasing after me. He was fast. He is almost up to my speed. I put all my might into my legs and began to run faster than I thought I ever could do. I was nearly out of breath and almost fell down, but luckily I made it to the Cemetery. I have a huge respect for the dead, since I am with a kind of dead person, but also because my brother is in here and no one knows it besides me.

I quickly thinking sorry to all the of those my feet are disturbing as I run. I don’t mean to disturb them, but if you’re running from a boyfriend who you found out is only acting the way he does around you, you can’t blame me. Although I am stupid enough to think I actually met a decent guy that I love. I do love him, but I-I don’t know anymore.

I’ve never been in love before, but how I feel towards Frank has to be some sort of attachment similar to love. I-I just don’t know. I open the door of the mausoleum and my stomach dropped. I got a clear sight of his blood stained on the floor. I remember when he told me that and since that day I never focused on it and now I am.

Frank caught up to me and closed the mausoleum doors. Panic started to course through me. For once I didn’t feel safe near Frank. I looked at his tear covered face, looking like a psycho. Maybe he only looks like that, because of his scars and how violent I know he can be. Other than his appearance I don’t think I would be scared of the violent part.

He has stated himself before he wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone the day we kissed. How I reacted he could’ve hurt me, but he didn’t. Maybe it’s because he is too kind hearted, but from what he said that can’t be the reason. Maybe it isn’t an act and he is just that broken and confused? I don’t know. Maybe I was wrong about Frank. He is acting a lot like Bert right now. I hate myself for thinking that, but he is a lot like Bert at the moment.

I was still panicking really bad as he walked towards me. I yelled and ran past him to open the door, but they were stuck. I began to bang on the door calling for help that might be bad for us. My yelling and pleading echoed in the mausoleum, playing against the walls as the mausoleum laughed at my pleads.

I heard Frank cry out more and break something. I quiet down to turn around. I saw he cracked one of the seats and is leaning against it, crying into his knees. I am going back on my Bert statement again. Bert wouldn’t be on the floor crying if I rejected him. Frank is on the floor crying. If it is all an act than he is quite convincing. Although if it truly was he wouldn’t be on the floor crying. Not this much at least.

Frank opened his mouth and I felt bad from all the things my mind was thinking. I shouldn’t have assumed and went to the worst cause of scenario. I was too frantic to even hear him out back at his place. I fell down to the floor, crying into my knees just listening to him talk. I feel sick.

“I am trying to love you Gerard. I was trying to say that before you ran off. I am trying my damn best to love you, but my heart has been dead and gone for so long and if it wasn’t I wouldn’t know the feeling. I was also saying that when I am with you I don’t feel the way I did with Jamia.” He spat.

My heart was aching at this point.

“I have a bigger attachment towards you than I did to Zacky and Jamia. I feel something every time I am with you that makes me feel human, but I can’t act on it if I can’t feel emotions. I can only show it. If you ever loved me I will hate myself, because I don’t think I will ever love you back and I can’t do that to you.”

Too bad Frank. I do love you and you already hurt me.

“Please don’t leave me.” He cried.

Why should I stay? Why should I stay with a man who can probably never love me? I know I’ve hurt him and almost left him, but I do love him and can’t leave him. Dead or not. Monster or not. I love him. He is the only good thing in my life and has never hurt me before. This is the only time he has ever hurt me.

I can’t believe I am actually going to stay with a man that is never going to love me back, but at least this is better than being with a jerk who actually loved me. I peeked up a little and looked at Frank’s dried patch of blood in front of me. It brought me hope. It reminded me of what Frank said the first night we kissed.

“So, the scars on your face are from him?” I asked.

He nodded, biting his lip

“You must have loved Jamia.”

He nodded again.

“She meant a lot to me and it broke my heart to see the pain on her face.”

I got up and wobbled over to him. I sat down on his legs and pulled him into a hug.

“You deserved better Frank.” I said resting his head on my neck.

Frank said he loved her. Frank also said he has a bigger attachment towards me than he did to Zacky and Jamia and can feel something when he is with me. I am the only thing that makes him feel something. Thinking about it. Frank is still capable of feeling emotions. He isn’t that far gone, because he cleary stated feeling something towards me and he has felt something in the past. He just thinks he isn’t capable since he hasn’t felt anything since 1809.

I get up and walk over to Frank, straddling his hips. Frank’s eyes widened from what I am doing. He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off and sealed my lips to his. Frank eagerly kissed back, placing his hands on my hips. I pulled away and cupped his face, his tears going on my hand.

“I am not leaving you Frankie.” I whispered.

“I don’t deserve you. I can’t love you.”

“I love you Frank and you’re the only I have in my life that is capable on loving me.”

Frank sadly smiled. I kissed his cheek and buried my head in his neck. It might be a long shot, but I felt his heart slowly beat. I smiled and kissed his neck. I know you can feel something Frank.

"As lead rains on your bullets, can lead to your gun being loaded. Unload your gun, what's next can't be undone.”

Notes

feedback would be great......

xojordan