If You Marry Me, Would You... (Frerard)

Gerard was waiting.

He didn't know what exactly he was waiting for. Maybe Michael, maybe Jonathan, maybe Frank...

Maybe he was waiting for Bob to wake up, or for Livvie to call him and tell him her brother was safe and healthy.

Maybe he was waiting for Michael's plan to continue, so he could finally run away and live in a foreign place, never talk to anyone ever again, never fall in love again, never have another one-night-stand. Wouldn't that just be perfect?!

Fucking hell, it won't be. He knew it won't.

Gerard Way needed others. He needed friends, he needed sex, he needed relationships, he needed a purpose.

Only problem was, he didn't have any friends left right now, he couldn't have sex because he spent the past week not stepping out of his apartment, and honestly he didn't want to, he didn't have relationships, because the only two boyfriends he ever had screwed him up completely, vise versa.

And what purpose did he have, exactly?

For the past few month his purpose had been: protect Frank, keep Frank safe, make Frank happy.

Well... Frank wasn't here.

And never will be.

So what's the point in finding something else to do? He was going to fuck it up anyway, just like he did his entire life.

Why should he make new friends, why should he have another useless one-night-stand, why should he bother finding "the one" again, why should he invest in something except for drawing?

Drawing didn't hurt him. It didn't hurt anyone. He could do this without being afraid of the results, because he didn't do it for a certain reason.

He drew because he loved drawing, it gave him joy and it relaxed him. It allowed him a small escape from his life.

And that was his only comfort at the moment...

If only he could have one moment of comfort without immediately turning his attention to frank again.

Last time he drew, it was his birthday, and the younger man came behind him and seduced him, which led to them having heated sex on their shared bed, twice.

That was the last time they made love. It was a burning memory in Gerard's mind, forever there.

He couldn't get any of it out. The sounds the younger made as Gerard kissed down his stomach and hips, the moans he released as the older picked up his legs and stuck a finger inside him.

"Now how 'bout we turn it around this time?" he asked breathlessly after Gerard rolled off of him when they had their first orgasm for that night.

The elder turned his head to meet the other's sweaty face which matched his, and nodded with a wide grin, and Frank was quick to climb on top of him, spread his legs wide and claim Gerard as his.

His...

If only they still "belonged" to each other.

No. It was over. It was fucking over and he couldn't have that back, because he was a fucking idio-

Snap.

His pencil broke in half suddenly, from how frantically he was dragging it over the paper.

Gerard blinked a few times, eyes wide. How did this even happen? He was usually so calm while he was drawing. Had he really gone that worse, that even his only shelter from reality couldn't keep him safe anymore?

Maybe he should just stop trying...

That's what he thought as he slammed his head down on the wooden desk.

xoxoxoxo

"Frank? Frank, come on, talk to me. Just say a word, please."

Kelly had been trying to get the boy to talk for a few days now. He hadn't been in the mood to communicate with her (or anyone really), and that frustrated her, because she wanted so bad to help her friend.

"Frank, what can I do to make you forget about him only for a minute?"

He stayed seated at the edge of the bed she let him use, in the spare room of her apartment.
He raised dark, tired, hazel eyes, that matched his pale face and exhausted behavior, and looked at her blankly.

"How could I forget about him, Kelly?" He whispered brokenly. His eyes were still puffy and red from the amount of tears that left his eyes in the past week.

Kelly sat down beside him with a sigh, rubbing her friend's back, and gave him the most concerned look she could muster, because she really cared about his mental and physical state since he called her.

"Well... is there anything you like doing in your free time? A hobby, maybe?"

He knew immediately what he wanted to say.

"I like to play guitar," he shrugged blankly, even though just the thought of feeling the material under his fingers again made his body jolt to life.

He looked down at his lap, not noticing the way Kelly's eyes lit up.

"That's good news then. I have plenty of guitars in my room. I could lend you one."

The boy's head snapped up, and he looked at her like a child in a candy store.

"Y-you play?"

"Sure," she smiled. "But I haven't touched those ones in a while now, so they might need some tuning. But I could give you one if you want."

He nodded eagerly. Kelly chuckled and ruffled his hair slightly before standing up and going to her room to get one of her acoustics.

Frank waited for her quietly, his leg bouncing with excitement. He was thrilled to get to play again. Last time he played was at Gerard's house, in their bedroom, the older man right there with him... together...

His smile died. Soon he was once again staring down at the floor, tears making their way behind his eyes, just about to roll out, when his friend walked back into the room with a dark wooden acoustic guitar and handed it to him with a soft smile.

"Here. Have fun. I'll be in the living room if you need anything else," she said, and Frank grinned weakly at her with a small nod.

She left the room, closing the door behind her to give her friend the privacy he needed.

Frank sighed. He ran his hands slowly along the guitar, his fingers skimming gently over the wood as his eyes scanned the shape and the strings.

He tried to play a note, his face scrunching up momentarily at the sound that left it. The guitar did need a bit of tuning, but generally it sounded good. And Kelly sure put thought into cleaning her stuff.

He spent the next few minutes tuning the instrument and trying it out every time he changed something, until eventually he was content with the guitar and was ready to play.

Maybe it'll help him forget about Gerard...

xoxoxoxo

Well, if Gerard was going to wait for much longer, he might as well do something with his empty life. Because drawing clearly couldn't keep him away from Frank.

So he got up with a small sigh, searching for something he knew probably wouldn't work. But he would give it a try.

It didn't take him too long to find his guitar. The same guitar he let Frank use when they still lived together, the same guitar he could watch his love play for hours, the same guitar he learned to play so he could sing his heart out for the younger man.

But he couldn't have him anymore, the only thing that was left of him was that small guitar, which he knew he would keep forever.

He sat down in front of the window, looking up at the soft sunlight of the early afternoon. When he turned to stare back at the guitar, he couldn't help but remember what it was like to watch Frank's expression when Gerard first handed it to him.

He was so happy, looked so content to finally get to touch the instrument again, the way he played it even hours after he got it.

Gerard let a tiny broken smile on his face. The young man seemed so beautiful when he played, every inch of him completely devoted to the music as he played the different notes.

Gerard slid his hands up the neck of the guitar, just like Frank would do every time he held one in his arms, touched a string and watched it shake along with the quiet sound.

He decided to start playing. Maybe, just maybe, it will give him some relief, some fantasy about the good times, when he didn't feel so alone, because he knew that Frank would be home at any moment.

Yes, Frank should be back any moment now...

Gerard could feel him standing at the doorstep, a smile on his soft face, just waiting for his boyfriend to come and greet him with a tight hug and a slow kiss on the lips.

Any moment now...

xoxoxoxo

"I found myself dreaming..."

Frank began after long minutes of shaky breaths and mental convincing, and the few short notes before the song began.

"In silver and gold," he continued.

"Like a scene from a movie, that every broken heart knows."

Sniffle.

"We were walking on moonlight, and you pulled my close..."

He shut his eyes momentarily, his body heating up at the memory of the older's arms around him, embracing him, keeping him safe...

It didn't exist anymore.

"Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone...

I woke up in tears, with you by my side,

breath of relief, and I realized..."

He sniffled again, lower lip quivering slightly, and he forced himself to keep playing and finish the goddamn sentence.

"No, we're not promised tomorrow."

He closed his eyes again.

"So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you.
I'm gonna hold you, like I'm saying goodbye...
Wherever we're standing, I won't take you for granted..."

He could feel his voice trembling, but he didn't care. He needed it. He needed the music. It would help because he told himself it would.

"'Cause we'll never know it, when we'll run out of time.
So I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you.
I'm gonna love you..."

xoxoxoxo

"Like I'm gonna lose you..." Gerard whispered. He knew this song would help. He just knew it would. But then... why wasn't it helping?

He kept playing anyway.

"In the blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke..."

Sniffle.

"You could lose everything, the truth is, you never know.
So I'll kiss you longer, baby,
any chance that I get..."

His lip shook.

"I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets..."

xoxoxoxo

"Let's take our time, to say what we want,"

Frank was pretty close to his edge right now. It was almost too much to take, since there was one big image of the face he missed stuck in front of his eyes in the center of his mind.

And he couldn't get it to get out.

"Use what we've got, before it's all gone..."

xoxoxoxo

"'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow."

Gerard practically growled, feeling so upset, but he couldn't stop singing, he just couldn't.

xoxoxoxo

"So I'm gonna love you," Frank sang, almost too loudly, as hot tears started making their way down his cheeks, and his body began shivering slightly with emotion.

"Like I'm gonna lose you.
I'm gonna hold you, like I'm saying goodbye.
Wherever we're standing..."

xoxoxoxo

"I won't take you for granted!" Gerard yelled, his fingers moving more roughly on the strings.
"'Cause we'll never know it,"

xoxoxoxo

"When we'll run out of time," Frank grunted out, arms shaking, but he kept playing.

"So I'm gonna love you...
Like I'm gonna lose you,"

He hissed, feeling overwhelmed with something knew, something that he hadn't felt so far, and he didn't like it.

"I'm gonna love you...
LIKE I'M GONNA LOSE YOU!"

He suddenly screamed, hands tightening around the guitar, as if he was trying to choke it, and then he was standing up, face red and puffy as his heart was clenching.

"I'M GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER, FUCKER!" He exclaimed, too stuck in himself to notice the quick steps that were running up the stairs towards his room.

He was so, so upset, he could murder someone.

"Because, apparently..." he choked out, looking down at the guitar, and his face twisted in dangerous fury, animalistic rage that he couldn't suppress anymore. He was just too wounded. "I'VE ALREADY LOST YOU!"

Then his body was going by its own accord, and his arms were swinging the guitar in the air, ready to smash it down on the bedroom floor and watch it shatter to pieces, just like his heart did that night, that night when Gerard broke him completely.

And just like that, the door flung open, and the bright-haired woman ran into the room to catch her friend, taking the guitar from him, and in a blink of an eye, he was breaking down with heavy heart-breaking sobs that nearly sent him off to the ground.

Kelly quickly set the guitar down, careful not to damage it, before she wrapped her arms around her poor friend, who clutched her tightly and cried his heart out, as the sun disappeared outside the house, marking the end of yet another miserable day in his puny life.

She held him. She held him close to her, both of them kneeling on the floor, as Frank allowed himself to cry into her shoulder, like he'd been doing for hours in the past week, because she let him, and she was there for him.

But as much as she was a good friend, who he will remember and appreciate forever, no matter what happens... she wasn't Gerard.

She couldn't give him what Gerard could give him. She couldn't know how to hold him like Gerard did.

Gerard was so special. And beyond the fact Kelly wasn't a man, she couldn't fulfill the emptiness in his roller coaster of a life.

Nobody fucking could.

Except for Gerard.

xoxoxoxo

The older man slammed his forehead against the side of the guitar. He watched the sunset as he sang the last few lines, and then melted down in tears of how sorry and pitiful he was.

He couldn't wait any longer. Whatever it was that needed to happen, he just wished it would happen, and then he would be left alone.

Left to deal with the pain in his heart, the burn in his soul, the void in his mind, in the shape of a short boy, dark hair, hazel eyes, blushy cheeks and breathtaking smile.

Gerard wanted to fill this void. He wanted so bad to just grab Frank and make him his again forever.

But that would never happen, since he didn't know where Frank was, or how to find him, or how to keep him without putting the boy in even more danger.

He knew nothing.

And the one thing he did know, was that he wasn't waiting for Michael, or Jonathan, or Bob, or Livvie, or Frank, or the fucking plan.

Maybe he was actually just waiting for death to take him.

Notes

I don't even know what this chapter is.

Song reference: Meghan Trainor - Like I'm Gonna Lose You

Thanks for reading Xoxo