If You Marry Me, Would You... (Frerard)

Gerard was broken.

It didn't take him long to realize it. After all, once Frank left him, he spent all night lying in his bed, crying and screaming into the pillow, tearing his clothes off of his body, washing himself with freezing cold water to a point where he was shaking and close to hypothermia.

Actually, he didn't care anymore. He would let himself freeze to death in this bathtub, because every reason he had to live had just ran out the front door.

The worst part though, was that the reason for all of this was his stupidity, his weaknesses, his lack of ability to stand a chance against Jonathan.

But when did he ever stand a chance against Jonathan? The man practically owned him. He had no choice but to agree to the deal, that sadistic deal that led him to the realization that he was alone now.

And more than that, he let Jonathan take over him, he played straight into the younger's arms, probably with Michael's help, and now, the two of them won.

He couldn't believe he actually let this happen. He said that he'd protect Frank, that he will carry him to the end.

Well... this was the end, apparently.

And if that's the case, then... Michael's plan had worked. He said this was going to hurt. And it hurt. It hurt so, so much. Gerard felt as if his insides were bleeding, and he was slowly dying without the ability to help himself, to stand a chance against the neverending horror-show that was his life.

he found love. He finally had one person he could truly want, and not only sexually.

Frank was right there, he was in the palm of Gerard's hand and Gerard let him go.

And it was time to face the facts - Frank wasn't coming back.

Gerard had pushed him beyond his limits, brought the younger to his absolute breaking point, just so he could shatter his heart and kick him out, there, in Frank's weakest spot, in his most tearful moment. He hit all the wrong nerves and now everything was frozen, he brought down one cell and the whole system fell.

There was no way back from there, there was no "take it or leave it", no safeword. He couldn't just open his eyes and see Frank's sleeping figure beside him, and realize it was nothing but a bad dream.

It was bad, it definitely wasn't a dream though.

All he could see in front of his eyes was darkness, but he knew he wasn't asleep.

His mind was clouded with dark thoughts, and he was over-flooded with disturbing questions. What was going to happen to Livvie? What was going to happen to Bob? What was going to happen to HIM? And... what was going to happen to Frank?

Livvie was probably going to take Bob from the hospital, look after him, keep him safe. The elder knew she would keep him safe. But when will Bob wake up, anyway? How could Gerard possibly face him and tell him everything that had happened?

And Gerard? How was he supposed to go on from here? Will he even be alive by the day he would have to inform Bob with the news?

He didn't know if Michael was going to leave him alone. This couldn't be the end of his plan.The younger brother had always been smarter than that...

And with Jonathan lusting after him all around, Gerard doubted he would even make it to the end of the month.

But above all... there was Frank.

Where was the younger kid supposed to go? The possibility of him starting stripping again was more than likely.

Oh god, he might have to live on the streets now, would have to afford an apartment like he did when he left his first home....

Did he even have enough to buy himself food? Did he even TAKE any of the money Bob gave him?

By what Gerard heard, the younger had stormed out of the apartment very quickly. There was no way he stopped to actually take his money like Gerard "told" him to.

Or he would just have to find one of his shitty ex's, live with the guy, or find a new bastard.

Actually... a bastard and a shitty ex would probably be better for Frank than Gerard...

He needed a life, a normal one. He was amazing enough to find a proper guy, a few good friends that will support him, a real job. He was smart enough to get the proper education he missed when he was a teen.

Yes, he could go to the university, get a degree, marry someone nice, have real meaningful sex that isn't only meant for distraction.

He should have his own casual problems, like being late for work because of traffic, or spilling his morning coffee over his favorite shirt, or have a playful argument with his husband over where they should go on their anniversary, which would eventually end with a slow make-out session and soft whispers of sweet nothing.

That's what Frank needed. He needed that kind of partner.

He didn't need a fucked up, horny, impulsive, threatened, depressed,ugly, orphan, hated, dangerous, supernatural, helpless, broken, futureless, stupid, bipolar, weak, twisted, vampire boyfriend.

Especially not one that will screw him up as well.

He should smile, and laugh, and listen to Danger Days with someone who would actually want to listen along with him. Yes, that's also one of the things that bothered Gerard. He still remembered Frank's expression after their short argument, the hurt and the feeling of shame.

He might've thought that Danger Days was shit, he still did, but it was one of Frank's favorite albums, and he let out all of his frustration in the form of offending his boyfriend's choice of music...

Oh, wait. He wasn't his boyfriend anymore.

And for now, he might be crying at the corner of some street, shaking and hopeless, trying to figure out where to go now, who will help him.

The answer was no one. No one could help him. Frank was heartbroken, and he was probably cold, since Spring wasn't the nicest this year, and if it would start raining Gerard would be devastated for sure.

The older slammed his head into his pillow, hoping it would hurt enough so he wouldn't have to slam himself against the nearest wall.

It didn't hurt. But the pain he felt inside was strong enough to make it feel like his entire body cracked.

And there was nothing that could get him back together.

xoxoxoxo

I'll wait here for you, for I'm broken.
Down, I'm coming down this town for my heart lies,
far and away where they took you down.
Led them over to your house,
where I'm broken...

xoxoxoxo

Down by the people if they let you breathe,
don't give a damn if you still can't see,
still my heart beats for you.
Have become all I lost and all I hoped for,
but I must carry on, always one...
never broken.

xoxoxoxo

Down in the valley where the church bells cry,
I'll lead them over to your eyes,
oh, I am one, I am one.
Break story of peace and love in a future,
bright sacrifice came around,
never broken...

xoxoxoxo

Frank was broken.

After he called Kelly, she came in a matter of minutes to pick him up from the cold street, both heading to her apartment, and once they walked through the front door the young man fell to his knees and cried his soul out, and Kelly held him closely to her, letting him cry into her shoulder, as he told her everything that had happened, from Gerard's best friend getting stabbed, the hospital, the notes, his boyfriend disappearing and coming back acting like nothing mattered.

The young woman was just as confused as he was. She tried to comfort him, tell him that if Gerard had said all those things and didn't want him, Frank should just move on, even if it hurts.

But Frank... how could Frank move on? He was so angry and overwhelmed and sad. He wanted Gerard back as much as he wanted to murder him, make him feel exactly what Frank felt when he said all those horrible things, but at the same time he wanted to just fall into Gerard's arms and kiss him until he ran out of breath and had to pull away.

And even then, he wouldn't pull away. He would let himself choke to death to the feeling of his love's lips on his, would hold onto Gerard as the man pushed into him, wrap his arms and legs around the older's naked body and not let go, scream out his name a thousand times before he cums over their chests, fall asleep safe and warm in the other's strong embrace, breathe in the scent of sweat and passion and heat.

Why couldn't he have that? What changed that made Gerard break his dreams in such a cruel way?

He didn't explain, he didn't think twice, just let it all out and didn't even give Frank the slightest chance to make him change his mind.

Was it Frank's fault? Had he been too cold, distant, heartless, enough to make Gerard believe that their relationship was gone forever?

They have been fading away for a while now, though. Frank could sense it at the back of his mind. Their relationship couldn't be flowers and sunshine, their lives were just too complexed to let them be a normal couple.

But that's what made them stronger, wasn't it? The fact that they stood by each other through the nightmares they went through. Their relationship was based on forgiveness, and trust, and real love...

Although, it was also based on anger, lies, secrets, doubts...

And the bad things were enough to overcome the good things, apparently. All the times he caught Gerard with that other man. They solved it with... what? With a kiss? With a different kind of danger? And what about all the times Frank tried to ask questions? Did Gerard ever answer them?

Had Gerard even wanted him this whole time? Everything he said, those smiles he gave, the laughs they shared...

He said he would protect Frank, when they first met. But it turned into something so much greater, so full of care, so close to each other, like one body, one mind, one shape of existence.

How could Gerard be such a good liar? It wasn't possible for someone to create such a complicated plan, just to break someone else's heart, use them for sex and then throw them away.

But that's not what Gerard did, right? They didn't have that much sex, and even when they did, it was pure love making. No matter how lust-filled, passionate, rough or fast it was. It was love.

Had Gerard really felt anything for Frank in the first place?

The answer was short and simple, it was right in front of him this whole time.

But he wouldn't admit it... because he still loved Gerard.

Loved him more than he ever loved anyone in his life.

More than he loved himself.

More than he loved his parents, vise versa.

More than he loved his past boyfriends.

More than he thought he could love someone...

Loved him more than his will to live.

xoxoxoxo

When you get older, plainer, saner,
will you remember all the danger we came from?
Burning like embers, falling, tender,
longing for the days of no surrender years ago...
And will you know?

xoxoxoxo

Wishing I could see the machinations,
understand the toil of expectations in your mind.
Hold me like you never lost your patience,
tell me that you love me more than hate me all the time...
And you're still mine...

xoxoxoxo

So smoke 'em if you got 'em 'cause it's going down.
All I ever wanted was you.
I'll never get to heaven 'cause I don't know how...
Let's raise a glass or two,
to all the things I've lost on you...
Tell me, are they lost on you?
Just that you could cut me loose,
after everything I've lost on you...
Is that lost on you?

xoxoxoxo
...

I'm so lost.

Notes

Weird chapter. Not one of my favorites tbh.

Song references:
Jake Bugg - Broken
LP - Lost on You

Thank you for reading Xoxo<3