If You Marry Me, Would You... (Frerard)

That's it.

Gerard needed to get out of his fucking apartment.

He'd been stuck there, in his cold misery, for nearly three weeks now, sobbing and pitying himself, barely eating or sleeping or walking.

He needed to go out, get some sunlight, see the outside world, communicate.

And as much as he wanted to just crawl into a dark pit and die, he knew he would have to face the outdoors at some point.

And maybe if he's lucky, he'll get ran over by a car, or murdered by Michael, or go through a dark alley and get stabbed after an unsuccessful attempted robbery.

Okay, maybe not the latter. He couldn't bear the thought of walking through another alley in his life. Alleys have brought too much shit into his life so far, he certainly didn't need more of it.

So eventually, he decided to do the reasonable thing, and head to Starbucks, to get some of the much, much, much needed coffee break.

Yes. Coffee is good. Coffee always made him forget. He needed coffee.

xoxoxoxo

"That's it."

Frank looked up from his cellphone, where he'd been scrolling through images of dogs aimlessly and sniffling every once in a while, to meet the blonde girl who stood in front of his bed, her hands on her hips as she stared at him firmly.

When she had his attention, she continued.

"You've been lying here doing nothing but pitying yourself for almost three weeks now. You sir, need a change."

Frank raised an eyebrow at her, not moving or putting his phone aside.

She sighed.

"Look, I was thinking we could go out to town or something, you know, do something fun. Even just drinking coffee would be nice."

Frank considered it for a few seconds, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he stared into space.

Kelly watched him patiently as he took his time thinking of just one simple answer, and when it didn't come, she decided to tell him about the other thing she had planned.

"Also, I thought it would be nice if you got a haircut."

Frank's face lit up with interest. He looked up at her with slightly wide eyes.

"A haircut?"

"Yeah," she shrugged, hands still on her hips, "You know, you need something different in your life. You can't stay stuck here all day crying."

"I wasn't cryi-"

"Frank, I'm not stupid. I'm sleeping in the next room, remember? I can hear it when someone is sobbing their heart out. Come on, it'll do you some good. You'll see."

She reached a hand out to him. He only thought of it for short moments before sighing and taking her hand, standing up in front of his friend.

Kelly's face showed concern when he stared down at the floor, his lower lip still quivering slightly at the amounts of crying that had been going on in his life lately.

"Frank..." she said quietly, and he turned his head away.

She took a deep breath and pulled him into her arms, an action they were both very familiar with by now.

Frank melted into the touch, wrapping his arms around her curvy body, having the exact same thought as he always had.

It felt nice to hug a girl, girls are soft and warm. But it didn't come any close to the feeling of hugging a guy. Guys were firmer, thicker, and they were usually bigger than Frank.

And since Kelly was gay too, she had the same thoughts about him. She always preferred to hold girls.

But they were both good friends, maybe even best friends, and they were content with each other just as much. Frank just felt so safe in her arms, knowing that she wouldn't let him go like every single male in his life has done.

"So..." he began quietly, face still pressed against her shoulder as he gave the lightest smile. "What did you have in mind?"

xoxoxoxo

"Red?"

Frank was sitting on a big chair in the barbershop, the sides of his hair had been shaved off and the top of his head was dyed black.

"Yeah," Kelly, who stood beside him, said. "It'll look cool on you. You're gonna look super hot."

He let out a short laugh, his misery showing in his voice just a little. He learned to mask it in the past few days.

"You think so?"

"Of course I do. I might be into girls but I know a pretty guy when I see one."

"Thanks," he laughed quietly, looking down at the floor as he ran his hand over the shaved sides of his head, and looked back at his reflection in the big mirror that stretched across the wall. "Okay, you know what? I'll do it."

"Red?"

"Red," he confirmed, and she nodded with a small smile.

xoxoxoxo

Gerard was walking along the quiet street. It was the early noon hours, and he somehow convinced himself to step out of the house the same moment he made that decision, knowing that it probably wouldn't happen if he didn't force himself out the front door.

It was actually nice outside, nicer than he would've expected.

He thought it would rain outside, the sky a dark shade of grey and thick threatening clouds blocking the sunlight.

When in fact it was sunny and warm, without even a cloud to be seen... and for some reason it sucked.

He didn't like to think that other people were enjoying this bright day, when all Gerard wanted was to sit in his bedroom in front of the window and stare at the rain.

He wanted the weather to match the storm inside him, but unfortunately the world didn't work like that, and he was stuck having to walk under the bright inviting sunlight that washed the street with its comforting glowing warmth.

When he got closer to the barber shop in the middle of the street, he heard loud giggles and people talking, and looked up to see two young people, man and woman, stepping out of the shop and walking away with their backs to Gerard.

He raised a somewhat curious eyebrow at them. He thought he recognized the boy's laughter from the distance, but was quick to shake his head and tell himself it wasn't possible. Frank never dyed his hair, and he most certainly didn't dye it black and red.

But... now that he thought about it... dying his hair might be a nice idea. It would give him some much needed change, and it would give him something to look at when he stared at his hated reflection in the mirror.

For a few minutes he just stood there, hearing the young couple's (they were probably a couple, by the way they walked so close to each other, and how the girl ruffled the boy's hair every once in a while) laughter fade in the distance as they walked away from the barbershop.

Gerard then decided to just step in there and decide on something to do. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it and do something extreme. He just wanted something noticeable, and something that will match his dark mood.

xoxoxoxo

Kelly and Frank stepped into the small Starbucks at the corner of the street, both breathing in the smell of fresh coffee and listening to the dozens of small talks going around in the place.

"Any favorites?" Kelly raised an eyebrow at her friend as they stood in line.

"Hazelnut latte," Frank replied with a sigh, remembering the last time he drank one - with Gerard...

Kelly nodded, looking forward without noticing her friend's face visibly falling, disturbing thoughts over-flooding him once again.

He tried to shake his head and forget about Gerard for once, instead focusing on the sweet aroma around him, the aroma he once shared with the love of his life...

xoxoxoxo

Gerard stared at his reflection in the big mirror.

He liked his new hairstyle. It wasn't too much, and he felt like it suited him perfectly.

He didn't get his hair cut, he liked it shoulder-length, eventually deciding to go for something noticeable but not too attention dragging.

He slid his fingers down his hair, touching the small blue stain he got at the front, and let on the tiniest smile.

It looked nice, and it marked him in a way, like every step in his life did.

Every tiny scar he gathered on his skin, every moan he let out, every pair of hands that touched his skin, every dirty kiss he shared with someone he didn't really care about.

And now this, the stain at the front of his head, just above his forehead. It made him look innocent in a way, he thought. It was as if this small stain held all the memories and mistakes and regrets. It felt permanent on his body and it was sort of interesting to look at.

When he was done scanning his new appearance, he paid for the haircut and walked out of the barbershop.

"Now," he thought... "Starbucks."

xoxoxoxo

"I'm glad we did it," Kelly said with a small smile as they stood up with their empty cups and started to head outside.

"Did what?" Frank asked, raising an eyebrow at her, a habit which she was starting to get used to.

"Went out," she replied. "I think it helped you a little, didn't it?"

Frank nodded. It was bullshit, his agreeing, he knew it. Inside he was still a curling ball of longing and sadness and hurt, right where his beating heart once was.

But he didn't want to disappoint Kelly, after all she's done for him. So he nodded. Just to make her happy for now.

She smiled and put a hand around his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around her thin waist, and the two stepped out quietly, just as Gerard walked into the shop and looked around.

Strange, he thought, it's the same couple from earlier, the one he saw outside the barbershop.

They seemed happy together, he told himself. The way they hugged each other's side and walked freely along the street, like the happiest two people in the world.

He wished he could have this relationship, with anyone really.

His relationship with Jonathan was mainly him being a horny little bitch that always chased for contact and wouldn't stop humping Jonathan's hip whenever the two were close enough to each other, and alone, which was the case in most of the times.

His face scrunched up, hands tightening around the hot cup he was holding, as he recalled how loud and slutty his moans were when he grinded against Jonathan like a hormonal teenager, sometimes even cumming in his own pants with how hard he was fucking the other's thigh.

It felt good back then, better than many things he remembered. The contact was so electric, shocking. He never felt this way with anyone before. It's like Jonathan was purely made of Viagra, and he pumped it into Gerard whenever they so much as stood in the same room.

And Frank... he had such a good relationship with Frank - finding the right time to be serious, and laugh, and cry, and kiss, and have sex. They knew what the other needed, and they gave it, no matter what happened.

And it was gone now...

Gerard looked down at his cup with a trembling lip.

Yes.

He wished he could have this kind of relationship.

xoxoxoxo

Kelly and Frank watched a few movies since they came back home.

Frank found himself laughing a few times, but it was quiet and it didn't last too long, and it faded immediately once Gerard's face appeared in his mind again.

And when he went to bed that night, burying his face into the pillow and covering himself with the thin blanket, he cried again.

He didn't care if Kelly heard. He didn't want her to hear, of course, but she wouldn't judge him and he was too broken to care at that point.

And Gerard was exactly the same at that night, thinking about Frank and sobbing to himself, because he had no one to support him, or understand him, or even just be there with him. He was alone.

xoxoxoxo

Frank was so confused.

He tried to figure things out in the past few weeks, but nothing would make sense to him.

Why would Gerard throw him away so heartlessly? Did he really not love Frank as he said? Did he really just wait for the day he could tell the boy to fuck off so he wouldn't have to see his ugly face again?

It was so hard to believe. They'd had so many moments when Frank couldn't be more sure that it was love.

They were in love. He just knew it. Gerard cared for him.

But if he really cared for him, would he act so coldly and cruelly and kick Frank out like some stray dog on the streets?

Why would Gerard do that?

Why would Gerard leave him to face everything with so much pain in his heart?

What was he feeling for Frank now?

Did it even hurt him?

Did it even cross his mind that Frank needed him?

Even though Frank was starting to feel something different inside him, that new sensation that had been bugging him and trying to burst to life and take over him.

He knew he felt it before. He knew he had it inside him and he knew he experienced it plenty of times.

What was it?

Maybe it was... no. Or maybe... no, it couldn't be that either.

But it was there, whatever it was. It was bugging his mind and keeping him down, it was weighing down on him, tugging on his nerves and tiring him to where he was just too exhausted to care.

Could it be anger?

xoxoxoxo

Time moves slowly when you're heart-broken. Every moment feels like eternity, every blink of an eye feels like your last before you shut them forever and let yourself sink into nothing.

It feels odd, but at the same time it just feels right.

Especially when you know you deserve it.

Time moves slowly when you miss someone. It can tear you up from the inside and turn you into dust, making you feel like a useless ghost, a waste of precious air, an empty space, a lame excuse for another living soul.

Frank.

Gerard didn't want to miss Frank. He didn't want to have this horrible emptiness inside him, telling him to just end it all and never come back again.

He wanted to be able to let Frank go, just forget him and let him live his life like he deserved, because missing him won't bring him back, and if it will, it won't be good for any of them.

But... he was in love with Frank. He was so, so, in love with Frank.

xoxoxoxo

Gerard fell face-first into the pillow, after a long tearful shower, still naked, as it had already been a full month since Frank left.

He missed every part of him, from the soft curves of his face to his tanned legs which Gerard couldn't get enough of.

The sound of his small laughs, his childish giggles, his capturing grin that could put every star in the sky to absolute shame.

He missed the way Frank's body danced on the inside, the way it seemed like the sun shone only to emphasize the amazing features of his face.

And his body.

Gerard's breath hitched at the thought of his flawless body.

He remembered the way Frank felt underneath him, under his hands and mouth, under his fingertips and tongue.

Frank felt, and tasted, and sounded, like walking heaven.

Every inch of him made Gerard's body tense with need and longing. He remembered the way Frank wrapped around him in their most intimate moments, every second being treasured...

The older gasped. His exposed member was beginning to grow against the sheets underneath him, and he buried his face further into the pillow as he lifted his hips, supported by his knees now.

As he panted quietly to himself, he continued to run images of the younger man in his mind.

The sounds that left Frank when Gerard mapped out his body, studied his perfections and small imperfections, how they made each other feel so good.

When they made love, Frank was just like Gerard's wildest dream coming to life, so tight and willing, vocal, expressive, emotional, heated and dangerous yet so beautiful...

The memory of the younger's tightened walls caused Gerard to groan quietly to himself, his hand reaching slowly below him to find his hardened cock. When he touched it, he made another gasp of pleasure, remembering where it had been...

Far inside Frank, the noises, the passion, the lust...

It felt so fucking amazing, Gerard's head spun in a white daze just at the memory of how overwhelming everything was.

He hesitantly wrapped his hand around himself, moaning softly, imagining he was on top of Frank now, the younger's legs tight around his waist, Gerard's heavy breaths hitting his tattooed neck.

He slid his hand down once, squeezing in thought it was the boy's hole clenching around him, and he whined.

Everything. Everything was perfect when they did it. There wasn't any flaw or doubt or fear. It was just them. And it was perfect.

Gerard pressed his nose into the pillow, now panting a little heavier as he began moving his hand very slowly, his hips lifting more to have a better angle.

He replayed Frank's moans in his head, tried to sense his short but strong arms wrapping around the older's neck, his hot exhales ghosting over Gerard's ear as he asked for more.

Gerard let a small growl slip from his mouth into the fabric of the thick pillow, and his hand started going a bit faster around himself.

"Gerard... go harder."

He could practically hear the younger's whiny voice that always turned him on beyond belief. He pumped his hand even faster, flicking his wrist and hissing as burning pleasure shot up his bent spine.

"Frank... fuck. So tight, baby. So perfect around my cock."

Gerard cried out quietly and pressed his forehead down into the mattress, his free hand grabbing the sheets hard, hard enough to rip them from place. His hand was now going faster than he thought was possible, and it left him breathless, without the ability to slow down or take his hand off of himself.

He had to go on with this fantasy, hold onto the thought of Frank being there with him, even when the feeling of loneliness and longing haloed around him once again.

"Fuck Gee. Faster. Faster. I want it to fucking hurt!"

"Frank," he whimpered, fisting the sheets so hard his knuckles bled white. He was almost choking from lack of breath, gasping sharply as his vision started to black out...

"Frankie... I-I can't... too much... I have to-"

"No! Fuck me harder, I want you to feel me around you for days! SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME!"

Gerard made a desperate growl that ended up as a broken whine, feeling the fire in his stomach burning his insides painfully, as the unbearable pleasure his own imagination and hand brought him took over.

"Frankie..." he whispered, "Frank, Frank, Frank..."

"Gee! Cum for me, dammit! Do it like you mean it! I want this climax to leave a fucking scar! Cum!"

And with one last fast motion of Gerard's wrist, a sudden tightening of his worked up fingers, a long scream ripped out of him, cutting through the silence of the room, his toes curling and his entire form shaking violently as his orgasm numbed his senses completely.

He tried to get over the tightness in his stomach, the shocks of the overwhelming experience as he shot the sticky substance all over the sheets below him, panting helplessly, sobbing with electric pleasure, a chorus of white noises and spikes of exhaustion, as his body tried to cope with what he'd never gone through before in his entire sex-filled life...

And once it was over, he collapsed to the mattress in pain and sorrow, a shaking crying mess, with only one person on his blurred out mind.

"I'm sorry," he choked into the pillow, clutching the puffy material in his hands and pressing his face into it as far as it would go.

He squirmed in helpless tears, his naked body feeling vulnerable and too exposed, as if a hundred people were standing there in his room, watching him, judging him, making faces of disgust at his sickening suffering.

He was choking on his own misery, needing someone to hold more than anything, or even someone that will hold him.

But who would? He was a useless cheating bastard, who constantly tried to do things beyond his own good.

Who was he to try and change things? He couldn't escape everything he's done just by telling himself it wasn't as wrong as it seemed to be.

He was a fool. An idiot who didn't deserve all the good things he got in his life. Maybe that's why he lost his parents, maybe that's why he lost Her, maybe that's why Michael hated him so much and why he was chased down by his psycho ex.

He could say whatever he wanted to say, pretend, ignore, suppress, cry, scream, run, crawl, fight or give or up.

But he had no where to go.

xoxoxoxo

Frank finally realized what it was that he was feeling, what got him so worked up and upset, why he was so confused about his feelings for Gerard.

He wasn't angry or sad or wondering, he didn't hurt or suffer like he told himself he did, he didn't feel the clenching longings that shattered his heart to pieces.

He wasn't even in tears.

No. He felt something far beyond hurt. He was wounded in a way no one could fix, not even the sharpest knife in the kitchen could cut deeper than that.

Because it was already too deep in. It pierced him, it cut through his flesh, bones, soul. He was bleeding in the most beautiful way, broken beyond repair, ravished without even being touched.

He was burning with passionate hatred and frozen by his icy eyes that reflected his ruined self in his perfect wreckage of form.

What he felt couldn't be identified, not by first sight, at least. You had to look deep down in the curves of his system to even begin to realize what he was going through, how bad the vampire had hit him.

It wasn't madness, or fury, or the will to destroy everything and watch it fade away.

It wasn't the urge to kick Gerard so hard his lungs gave out.

It wasn't even the will to find out what it was that changed his past lover.

It wasn't the right to scream at his parents for making him leave.

It wasn't the motivation to murder or his ex boyfriends - the cheaters, the liars, and those who simply didn't give a fuck in the first place.

It wasn't even pity.

xoxoxoxo

It was silent rage.

Notes

I haven't decided if I love this chapter or completely hate it. I think it's good.

Thank you for reading. Prepare, the next chapters are gonna be... interesting.

Xoxo Mikey