It started all foggy and grey, that day.

I could hear the rain rattling on the windows, like a background strain which kept my mind from thinking. All I could hear or focus on was the sound of the water- out there in the big wide world. Almost like a white noise. It was calming, it kept me still.

Safe.

An alarm rang.

I tried to shift my weight, parts of my brain still figuring out where the noise was coming from. My dreams or reality. That was always hard to tell.

But the same alarm rang again, louder.

I propped myself on an elbow as I let my fuzzy eyes adjust to the unlikeness of the hotel room. Dark. So dark. Except maybe for the shy daylight- right there in the sky- it shimmered behind the clouds.

Yeah, morning was on its way.

I flumped my arm in the air, hitting the alarm switch as I sat on the edge of the bed. I grimaced and groaned, wondering how the hell I'd make it through the day. Last night's abuse and events still hadn't completely worn out, and it made me feel uneasy. I couldn't quite figure out what happened, nor what didn't. It was just... hazy images and sensations, a lot of sensations, actually.

But- something was clear. I knew Gerard had touched me yesterday because I could still feel him on my skin, even on my lips. Yes. It's like he was carved into my pores, as if I couldn't undo him from my blood. And perhaps my heart was a bit too warm for such a grey day.

Yeah, he definitely came around, I remembered now as I touched my aching lips.

"What time is it?" I heard Suko growl in her deep sleep voice.

I blinked at the clock. "5.am."

"Fuck. That's brutal." She replied.

I only shrugged, dragging myself out of bed to find my bags who were placed at the entrance. It was hard to see in that little room but turning the lights on was out of the question, so I picked up a pair of sweatpants and a fresh hoodie.

Yeah, you'd have to kill me to make me wear a damn dress again.

*

Me and Suko alternated showers as the other brushed her teeth above the sink.

20 minutes. That's all it took us. We were getting good at this.

Now we were just wandering in the empty lobby, heading straight towards the boys who were tiredly waiting on a bench. They were all there; wearing black hoodies and sweatpants with their suitcases at their feet, just like me. Well- no. Not all. Gerard wasn't there.

Of course.

I sat on the ground, facing the 4 of them. My Suko did the same.

"Girls!" Frank yawned with a lazy smile. "You're back."

"We are." Me and Suko replied in unison, beaming sweetly.

"You both ready for the road again?" Frank tilted his head.

"Yeah. Tired as fuck but I'm ready. How 'bout you, homeboy?" Suko said.

Frank gave her a look. "Always."

"Anyone knows where we're going today?" I asked.

"Yup." Ray claimed. "Virginia Beach, we're playing at a friend's bar tonight just for our fans. Should take us 7 hours or so to get there, maybe more. We're just waiting for Gerard to do the checkout, then we're good to go."

Frank sighed. "Speaking of him, I dunno what's taking him so long."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh god..."

"What?" Frank laughed.

"Well, it's all happening again."

Frank raised an eyebrow. "Do tell, Mia."

I shrugged. "Meh, dunno. The road, the waiting, the shows, the fans, the madness. It's- it's all back. I can feel it, Frankie..."

Frank only winked at me but everybody snorted. I smiled once again. Wow, I could get used to that; smiling more. It's a nice feeling.

"Anyone wants a Poptarts?" Mikey asked out of nowhere.

"Poptarts?" Ray blatantly repeated. "Where the hell did you find Poptarts?"

"In the vending machines. But that's not the point." Mikey shook his head, then opened his bag full of goodies. "Anyone wants one?"

"Shoot, ya nerd." Frank scoffed. The rest copied.

Mikey grabbed the plastic-wrapped cakes and started throwing them at us.

In the end, we were just oozing and munching on cheap strawberry buns. I started playing with the zipper of my bag, digesting the lethal sugar rush of the Poptarts. I could hear the boys mutter stupid stuff to each other- their voices echoed through the hollowness of the lobby.

"Kay, motherfuckers. We can leave." I heard Gerard's voice behind me. And it sounded raunchy.

My heart leaped.

Everyone lifted their heads, eyes falling to where the voice was coming from. I didn't dare to look, though. Not yet. I watched as everyone got up, walking towards what I presumed was the exit.

I shifted on the ground, knowing I was the only one left by now. I reluctantly stood up, turning around.

There was a scruffy Gerard, holding the doors for everyone as they entered the wet scenery. I picked up my bag and walked up to him. He still hadn't seen me, though, too concentrated on what he was doing. A tiny smirk hung on his lips.

I took another step, then his face pulled off, big hazel eyes capturing me. Everywhere of me.

His smile collapsed.

I kept on ambling and ambling until-

until I was right beside him.

Gerard kept the door still, old leather sleeve holding it firmly. Ow. And my feet stopped moving now? I mean, why? I could just get outside- right now. Why did they stop? Ugh. Out of all places, why did I stop there?

And Gerard's just looking at me now, the way he looks at me and I feel like the world is about to end.

"Morning, you." His smile came back. Barely.

My face heated up. "H-hi."

"How was the party yesterday?" He asked, pretending he didn't know. "It's a shame I didn't see you there."

"I uh-" My voice was shaky. "I didn't stay late."

He hummed a laugh, eyes airing across the floor, then on me. "Well, it's good to have you back Lechowski."

I swallowed. "It's good to be back too."

There was a pause, the rain was the only one crying and we both stared at each other like we wanted to say something more, but we didn't.

Gerard's free hand suddenly moved up to my face, I began a frown, wondering what the hell he was doing.

"Wait." His eyebrows tensed, narrowing somewhere on my face.

"What?"

"You got- got a bit of cake over there." He murmured as he slid his thumb across my bottom lip, slowly.

I gasped at the touch.

Stupid Poptarts.

"There. All gone now." He bit his lip as he pulled his hand away, wiping his thumb on his jeans.
Oh well, at least he didn't lick it.

I tried to laugh but it sounded horrible. "Thank you."

God.

It was too early for this.

Gerard's head tilted forward, hiding a blush. "Shouldn't we hum..."

"Oh! Yeah." I snapped out of my haze, hurrying to step outside.

Jeez.

That wasn't very subtle, was it?

I looked around- Suko was waiting for me with her suitcase on top of her head to block the heavy rain. I winced inwardly, wondering if she saw what just happened. Probably.

I followed Suko inherently, peaking one last time at Gerard, squinting from the cold drops that constantly entered my eyes. The rain was pouring on him, too, but he didn't seem to care. I sensed his eyes were still on me for a second, then he trailed off to the sky. He just lighted a cigarette and went the other way.

Only Gerard would light a cigarette under the rain.

But it was weird. Yeah, weird. Because at that precise second, he looked exactly like the Gerard I didn't know. The wild stranger I met in June, the one full of secrets, and lies, and long distance in his eyes.

But now.... now the distance was gone. When he looks at me I swear it's like he's almost too close. Too real, even.

I shrugged and switched to the van in the distance, deep flashbacks from the beginning of the tour beclouding my mind.

So much had changed since then.

Even the unthinkable.

*

Somewhere

-10.am-

I had missed the van, incredibly.

Yeah, I know I've already told you that, but now, as I laid on my tiny bed in the back, a feeling of longing inhabited me. As if this was my haven, my home, the only place I ever needed to be.

Suko was driving under the storm, the rain had gotten worse since we left New York and we'd been listening to the album Starfish from The Church to help her cope with all the stress. Perfect music for the rain, actually.

I was flipping through old Kerrang magazines, eating my leftover Poptart which had crushed in my pocket. We were very close to the ocean, rolling down south, and I couldn't wait to feel the warm waves on my toes. The ocean would be good for all of us, I think.

I heard my phone vibrate underneath my pillow, popping me out of my happy boredom. I stretched my arm to grip it, flipping the damn thing open.

One message from Gerard. My heart accelerated.

"What are you doing?" He wrote.

Hm, what was I doing? Not a lot actually, or nothing interesting to tell him. But through his words, I sensed he just wanted to talk to me so thinking of clever puns wasn't necessary.

"Laying in bed, nothing. And you?"

"I've been thinking a lot." He replied immediately, which confirmed to me that he was glued to his phone just like I was.

I hesitated before writing that. "About what?"

"Things."

I rolled my eyes at that. "Okay Gerard."

"What?"

There we go again. "Well, thinking about things is pretty vague. Kinda basic actually. It's like saying you're breathing air, or eating food. You know? Doesn't say much..."

Then I waited for his answer, eyes staring at the small screen like a cat in front of a fishbowl. But he didn't answer. Maybe I rambled too much? Ugh. I shook my head, then placed my phone away, guessing he probably got busy by now.

Who knows.

I grabbed my Poptart bag and flipped it upside down to eat the remaining crumbs. This texting sport had me uptight.

"Who were you texting over there?" Suko asked, peering at me from the rear mirror.

"Me?" My face turned flamingo. The color of shame. "Oh, uh, no one."

"Mia, come on." She laughed.

"It's no one!" My voice raised on its own.

Suko stayed silent for a while, then sighed. "You know, I've seen the way Gerard looked at you earlier."

Uh oh. Oh no. "What about it?"

"I don't know, it was... strange."

I swallowed. "Well, hum, Gerard is strange."

She sighed again. "Look, I'm not trying to be your mom here, but you know the rules, Mia. And I trust you, just- don't hide anything from me. I know when I see something."

"There's nothing to hide!" I whined louder than I should. "We're just friends now. Is that a crime?" Argh. I don't know why I was getting so irritated. Well, no, scrap that. I knew exactly why. It's because I was lying to her, my best friend. A nasty guilt flooded my stomach.

"No, but... you like him." She murmured.

Touche.

Okay, I had to think of something to say. Suko was a clever girl, and I needed to reassure her. I crawled up to her seat, just enough so she could hear me well.

"Look, I just have to spend more time with him now, that's all." I explained softly." Todd made me promise. He wants the juice, you know? The way juice. That's exactly what he told me and without Gerard, the magazines won't sell. I'm just tryna do my job..."

The nasty guilt was still there, but less so now, because everything I've told her was true.
Suko glanced at me sideways, then back on the road, but there was a subtle smile on her lips.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." Her voice flinched. "I just... I don't want you to get hurt. These guys, they're all cool, but when the tour will be over, I tell you, we'll be strangers to them."

"But-"

"And nothing else." She continued. "You have to believe me, Mia. I've been there before..."

Hm.

It's funny she said that, because Ken said the exact same thing at the radio station when he was talking about me; about how I'd forget everyone once my article would be ready.

I wondered which side was true.

"I know you want to protect me, Matsuko. But I swear I got this, okay?" I reached for her shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

She put her hand on mine. "I know you do."

I smiled, sadly maybe. "Kay. I'll get some sleep now."

She winked at me from the rear mirror. At least we were cool.

For now.

I crawled back to my bed, only now noticing that Gerard had texted me back. I made sure Suko wouldn't see me, opening it under my pillow as my heart did crazy things again.

"You're funny, Mia. But you're not stupid." He wrote.

I squinted, wondering what he meant by that. "?"

"You're all I think about."

Fuck.

Gerard.

*

Virginia Beach

-4.pm-

A ceiling.

That's what I was staring at. We arrived in Virginia a few hours ago but I couldn't get myself to get out of the van. The rain had gotten worse by now, and everyone had already fled into the venue.

Except me.

Damn anxiety.

I still hadn't replied to Gerard's text; the one that got me all crazy inside. I felt as though all eyes were on me now. Well, Suko's eyes. I was terrified to make a move, to laugh too loud or just stare for too long.

Whenever Gerard got close to me I... I-

It's like I lost it, y'know?

And that scared me. I was scared of myself, saying yes when I need to say no or just not saying anything at all. Scared of what may happen, or wouldn't. I was scared of everything.

Scared they would know. The others.

I bit my lip, so hard, scenarios flashing through my head as I shut my eyes. What if someone saw us? What if he tries to kiss me, or caresses my hand? W-what if I drown into his eyes what if I-

Blood.

There was blood on my lip now. Way to go, Mia. I licked it and wiped my lip.

Ugh.

Why do I always feel this way? Like everything will go wrong all of the time? Like the world will chew me in... then spit me out like a rotten piece of fruit.

Oh but fuck it. Enough with the questions. This was a dead circle.

I needed to talk to Gerard.

In a bold move, I grabbed all my stuff and hurried out of the van before getting sucked into another trail of doubts.

I squinted at the parking lot, the rain hitting my face like blades as the wind shovelled me backwards. Ugh. What the hell was wrong with the weather anyway? Was the world trying to tell me something?

I don't know.

I never know these fucking things.

*

When I entered the bar by the back door, all I heard was distant laughter and muffled rock and roll coming from the main room. I was completely soaked- thick water drops dripped from my hair.

I ambled through the hall, figuring out where everyone could be. The lightning was feeble, even worse since the storm had killed the sun that day. I held my tape recorder to my chest, barely noticing that my hand was squashing it as I located a large door.

I pressed my ear unto the frame, hoping to recognize a voice.

Frank.

I distinguished his squeaky laugh.

It seemed very busy and noisy on the other side, but I could swear this was him. I took a deep breath, feeling the rain slid on my face as it mixed with my own sweat. I clutched the knob, unaware of what was waiting for me beyond that wall.

Nothing.

Well, I mean... nothing happened. I could've been naked and no one wouldn't have even batted an eye. I am serious. Everyone was sitting on couches, chitchatting in corners of the plain but grimy room as they held conversations, which by the way, all seemed very amusing.

I scanned my surroundings, still close to the door.

Okay so.... suko's over there.... yeah, she's talking with Ray on the couch. She's smiling, she seems happy. That's good news. Oh- and there's Frank having a laugh with a guy. Dunno who the fuck that is, though. Hmm, actually- there are a lot of people I don't know here. Even some girls. Alright then... I just need to find Gerard.

I walked to the table to grab a plastic cup, already filled up with beer. I took a sip, wandering through the room under gazes that drawn no interest on me. I sighed. This was pointless. And where the fuck was Gerard anyway? I swear he was nowhere. This was a reoccurring theme, I realized.

I bumped into Mikey.

"Woho, sorry Mia!" He giggled clumsily. "Did I spill beer on you?"

I checked my shirt. "No, no. Don't worry."

He rolled his eyes. "Too many people in that goddamn room."

"Yeah..."

Mikey puzzled me for a second. "You're alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, hum..." I bit my lip. "Do you hum..." Alright Mia, gotta make it casual. Come on.

"Do you know where Gerard is?"

"Gerard?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes..." I raised an eyebrow too. "Your brother."

"Yeah, I know who Gerard is!" He chuckled. "He's still on the bus. Dunno what the fuck he's doing, though."

"Oh, okay." I nodded slowly, noticing that Suko was staring at me now. I brushed it off. "Did he say anything about not being disturbed or?"

"Not to my knowledge." He shrugged. "Probably just sleeping."

"Alright, cool. That's great, thanks, Mikey." I poked his shoulder, then ran off.

"Uh, your welcome?" I heard him say, hearing the confusion in his voice as I stepped into the corridor again.

Whatever.

If Gerard was alone, this was my chance.

*

As I stood in front of the bus under the violent rain, I realized I had no fucking plan.

I mean, I knew I wanted to talk to him, but apart from that, I had no idea of what I was doing.
The thought of being alone with him gave me butterflies.

But- I had to do it.

It's like I needed to-

Ugh.

Maybe I just missed him.

I grasped the handle, checking if the door was locked. It wasn't. I swallowed, then mounted the tiny stairs. I hadn't been on that bus since the first time we kissed.

I shoved the thought away as I met the wordless interior of the vehicle. I could still hear the rain outside, hitting the sides of the bus but in here, everything was quiet. The kind of quiet that doesn't feel right.

"Gerard?" I mumbled.

No answer.

Cold coffees aired on the table, as well as crumbled papers and pencils. I bowed over for a second to get a better look, but then I heard a cough. I froze, seeing yellow strays of lights further on. I swabbed the rain off my face, then headed towards them.

I wasn't expecting what I saw.

Gerard was laying in his bunk, sketching on his book with a tiny lamp hovering his head. Cans of beer covered the floor, all squashed and empty. He seemed lost in his work.

"Hey." I made.

He jumped, then glared at me. "Mia."

"Yeah, hum..." I fumbled with my sleeves. "Are you busy?"

"Kinda but-"

"Oh, sorry." I let out quickly. "I'll just go then."

"No!" His voice lifted as he saw me turn around. "You can stay."

"Are you sure? Because I don't want to distract you."

Gerard rolled his eyes, then shoved his sketchbook under the blanket. He tossed a few pillows around to make space for me. "There. I want you to stay, how's that for an answer?"

I laughed shyly. "Better?"

"Comere, then." He smirked, patting the mattress.

I hesitated a little but quickly joined him. God. His bunk was so tiny, not a lot of space for two people. Everything smelled like him, it's like the air was concentrated with his scent. A mix of sweat and cologne and cigarette and... other things I couldn't put a word on. Just... Gerard.

A silent came. Me and Gerard did the usual; deviating stares and awkward shifting.

"What were you drawing?" I asked, just to break the tension.

He shrugged, stiffing up at the subject. "Nothing interesting."

I blocked a smile.

He cocked an eyebrow. "What?"

I tilted my head against the wall. "You always say that."

"Always say what?" He almost laughed.

"That your drawings are worthless." I paused. "Like you're ashamed of them... why?"

Gerard wondered for a while, then looked the other way. "I'm not ashamed I just- I don't like showing them."

Hm, something told me Gerard was hiding something from me. "But why?"

He gave me a sinister look. "Don't start with that."

"Start with what?" I chuckled.

"Your never-ending questions." He continued. "I know you, Mia."

"I wasn't-"

"You start bugging me with questions, get me all worked up until you get what you want."

I crossed my arms. "Well, I think you're just scared."

"Scared?"

"Yeah." I scoffed. "Scared to show me your drawing because there's something you don't want me to see."

His eyes flared at me for a second. "I'm not scared."

"Then why did you hide it before I sat here?"

Gerard stayed silent at that. My eyes dwelled upon him. He groaned, then rolled over to pull his sketchbook from the blanket. He threw it on me. "There. Happy now?"

I stared at the piece of paper, unable to look away. It was the same sketch Gerard showed me the other time when we were at the picnic table, only now it was more detailed.

The lost girl with shadows who looked exactly like...like...

"Something's wrong?" Gerard's voice snapped me out.

I laughed breathlessly.

"What is it?" He bumped my shoulder.

I shook my head. "I feel stupid."

"Say it."

"It's just... she looks a lot like me." I regretted the words as soon as they came out.

Gerard didn't say anything but his cheeks blossomed red, he quickly trailed off to nothing.

"You're silent again." I murmured.

Still no answer.

"Ugh, Gerard please say som-"

"I've been drawing you, y'know?" He cut me, lost deep in his thoughts. "Since the first day we met, sometimes without even knowing it. It's like you were always in the back of my head no matter what I did but I- I didn't know who you were you just... fascinated me." He paused, laughing ridiculously to himself as he looked at me. "The mysterious girl who saved me at the bar. I never thought I'd see you again."

My insides melted as the pieces came together. So he was really drawing me? All this time, all this-

"Now you're the one silent." Gerard said, staring intently.

I blushed. "It's just... I can't believe you drew me, Gerard. It's so- so beautiful. I'm not beautiful like that."

Gerard scooted closer to me until our sides were touching and stole the paper from my hand to observe it for a few seconds, then studied me with careful eyes. "You're right."

"See? I told y-"

"You're more beautiful." He interrupted me.

My heart hammered in my chest, and it almost hurt. I glanced away, overwhelmed by how raw he was staring at me. "Uh-" I laughed awkwardly. "A-anyway, since when did you start this? I-I mean, n-not drawing me, but drawing."

"I can't remember." I sensed him twitched a little. "Somewhere in my teenage years, then graduated with a cartoon degree."

"Oh." I was surprised to see Gerard opening up like that. I slickly pulled my tape recorder out of my jacket and pressed record. "So...you wanted to draw before doing music?"

He dropped his head on my shoulder. "No."

That gesture made me warm. "Then what made you change your mind?"

He shrugged. "I think I knew from an early age I wanted to be in a band but I don't think I pursued it right away. I was kicked out of the first band I was in because I sucked at playing guitar. So comic artist was the fallback."

"Oh."

"Music's always been the thing I thought I was going to do." He continued. "But it took about 10 years later for me to realize that's what I was supposed to do."

"10 years? What took you so long?"

He sighed. "Life, college, depression, alcohol. Just being an outcast in general. That kinda kills the dream, y'know? I used to isolate myself a lot, just drawing for hours in my basement where no one could get to me."

I waited before speaking. "But- don't you think your music would've been different if you hadn't been through those hard times?" I asked. "Maybe all that pain was worth it in the end, 'cause so many people recognize themselves in your lyrics and it makes them feel less alone."

Gerard listened to me, then sat straight up, raising a suspicious eyebrow. "Hum..."

"What?"

"Are you recording this?"

Argh. See? I fucking told you. I can never hide anything from him.

I shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Your voice..." He let on. "It- I don't know, it sounds professional all of a sudden."

"Uh"

"You totally are recording this!" His voice lifted as he spotted the recorder.

I sighed. "Yeah, okay okay, I am. But I need this, Gerard. Please... you owe me."

He wondered into me for a while. "And what do I get in exchange?"

"In exchange?" I squinted. "Well, uh- nothing."

"Oh yeah?" He smirked wickedly. "Nothing?"

"You heard it right."

"I'll show you nothing..." Gerard slowly leaned against me, pushing me down on the bunk.

I gasped. "Gerard."

"Mm?" He made, all innocently, face falling to breathe in my neck.

"Gerard." I panted heavily, nails rattling on the blanket. "The- the tape! It's still recording."

He started giving open-mouthed kisses along the crook of my neck, humming fondly as he did. "Doesn't matter. I'm busy now."

"But we- ah!" I moaned as he bit my earlobe. "Uh, fuck it-" I just gripped his stupid face and kissed him right on the lips.

Gerard moaned into the kiss, one of his hand lurked around my waist and lowered, uncontrollably grabbing my ass. He kissed the rain off my face, and me, the cheap beer on his tongue. I entangled my fingers in his hair, feeling the dirty strands and the familiar warmth of his scalp as our kiss got even more intense.

But... I felt as though he could never be close enough. Like this could never be enough- us, and this aching love that was breaking my walls.

I sensed my eyes get wet.

Gerard broke the kiss. "You're shaking." He whispered inches away from my mouth. "Am I going too fast?"

"N-no." I gulped. "It's just..."

"What is it? Tell me."

"W-what is... this?" My voice came out weak.

Gerard shook his head, not understanding.

"This. Us."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Hum, I don't know I've- I've never thought about it before."

"M'yeah, that's what I thought..."

His eyes travelled across my face. "Don't want it to end, though."

My heart leapt. "Oh Gee..."

Then he just hugged me, so fucking tight, mewling in my neck. I held him back, body trembling even harder as my nails desperately latched onto his shirt.

"No one can know." I whispered in the crook of his neck.

"They won't." He whispered back, voice muffled by my skin.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because." He paused. "I know things."

I stifled a laugh, then slightly pulled back to meet his eyes. "What kind of things?"

Gerard was smiling, but then it faded. "Things like... I'm hopelessly wild for you, Mia." He brushed the hair from my eyes. "Mia Lechowski."

I moaned in pain. "Don't say that."

"Why?" He laughed softly.

"Cuz I can't breathe."

"Well..." Gerard murmured, brushing his nose on mine. "Maybe I can help."

"Then help me." I breathed.

He immediately kissed my mouth again, but this time the kiss was surprisingly sweet. It told me strange things, it told me he loved me.

Maybe.

I closed my eyes as I let myself drift away at the sensation of his warm lips against mine, the way he sighed into me, long and peacefully, and how indescribably soft his hand was dancing along my side.

God.

I didn't want it to end. This moment... it had to be forever.

But oh, how bittersweet that is; to realize how much you're going to miss a moment while you're still living it.

"GERARD?" An unknown voice called from the front of the bus.

Gerard pulled away from me. "Yeah?"

"SOUNDCHECK IN 2 MINUTES. DONT BE LATE!"

"Shit. shit." He muttered as he quickly stood up. Gerard started looking for things on the floor, and I just sat there- on the edge of the bunk, watching him as he whirled around like a madman.

He finally found what he was looking for, then kneeled down in front of me. "Okay, I guess I'll see you on stage."

I only nodded, still stunned by everything that just happened, but mostly, how brutally it ended.
Gerard moved to leave but stopped halfway, then walked back to me, scratching his head.

"Hum... I forgot something."

I looked up at him. "What?"

He bowed over, then slid his hand gently along my cheek. "This." He whispered, plastering a soft kiss on my lips.

I opened my eyes again, but he was gone.

Notes