Bert's room was filthy.

Here, you could smell the sex and the drugs and the sweat pouring out of the walls. The air was loaded with sins, all invisible, but clear as water for the mind.

Bert didn't talk to me when I entered. I couldn't even see him. I just locked the door behind me and walked past the beds, only to find a living room to my right.

Bert was sitting on a chair, body all scrunched down above a coffee table as he played with something. As if he was... cutting something? I don't know. He wasn't holding a knife. It was more like a card. A credit card.

"What's this?" I asked from across the room.

He laughed breathlessly. "Come take a look."

I squinted, tiptoeing towards him. The lack of lightning enhanced my drunken state, but it didn't take long for me to realize what was on the table.

"Co- cocaine?" I stuttered, not believing my own eyes.

Bert snorted, crushing the powder with the card. "You're pretty wise for a girl next door."

I glared at him.

He glanced up. "I was joking."

"Whatever." I grunted, taking a seat right next to him.

He threw me a wild look, smirking, then went straight back to what he was doing.

Bert was tracing long lines with the card, all of which were thin and extremely straight. You could tell this was a daily habit of his. Sadly.

Once he was finished, he picked up a small metal tray with a 5$ bill on it, angling his body to face me.

"Wanna go first?" He asked with his fucked up voice.

I shook my head. "N-no. You go first."

"Alright." He shrugged as if nothing at all.

Bert rolled the fiver into a slime cylinder. Then, with the tray dangling on his lap, he bowed over, inserting the bill into his left nostril.

After that, the rest was just noise.

Loud, sniffing noises.

Bert lifted his head, exhaling loudly as he wiped his nose. "Whoa! Jesus fuck that's good!" He looked at me, pupils dilating. "Your turn now, sweetheart."

I gulped, battling with my own mind.

"Come on, baby. It's just cocaine. One line won't kill you." He coaxed, holding up the tray for me.

A white line lurked at me on the surface- it was made for me. Only me. I trembled as I picked up the fiver under the constant gaze of Bert who seemed to be enjoying this way too much.

I knew I shouldn't be doing this. But I didn't care.

I slipped the bill into my nostril and leaned over, closing my eyes as I prayed for my aim to be good. And it was. The drug went straight to my brain, and it burned. God, it burned so bad.

I threw the money away and pinched my nose, sniffing loudly. I felt the paste coming down my throat and then, as it hit my tongue, it caused a salty, stingy taste that gradually numbed all my taste buds and face as the taste became more intense.

It's like the alcohol and the drugs immediately crashed together. The lazy buzz of the whiskey was controlling my members- my physical state. But the cocaine, oh the cocaine, it was shooting fire in my head, waking up the whole town.

Bert grinned wickedly. "You okay there, doll? It's pretty strong, isn't it?"

"Yeah." I coughed. "Holy shit."

He leaned closer. "So... what exactly did you come here for? Just to snitch or..."

I didn't say anything at all, still adjusting to my new frantic buzz. It's like the room glowed with an odd difference now, like all the lights shined brighter, like all the smells were more perfumed and my mind was spinning out of control. I felt euphoric.

Bert put a hand on my thigh. I blinked at it.

A-and then...

Oh then...

Something strange took over me. Yeah, something angry, and wild, something I didn't know I had in me. Maybe it was the drugs, or the alcohol, or my true feelings inside. Argh. I don't know. Or maybe it was everything all at once.

Yeah, I think it was.

But the only way I had to get rid of this need- this angst in me- was to grab Bert by the collar and smash his lips against mine.

At first, he was surprised, surely thinking he'd be the one to make the first move tonight.

But no.

I was in charge this time.

I jumped unto his lap, gripping his hair, kissing him again and again, but not quite loving it. No, in fact, I hated it. But... it was just something I had to do.

To feel something again.

To remember I wasn't dead.

His filthy hands gripped my ass, lifting my dress up. I started biting his lip and tongue, grinding against him. He moaned into my mouth.

But... something was missing.

I jerked harder against him, chasing something, begging him to tear my clothes off. My stupid dress. I just wanted him to take it off already- take it off like he didn't love me.

Argh.

That's it.

I finally stood up. Not getting what I wanted, I clutched his hands to yank him up.

"Woww, slow down." Bert chuckled. "What do you want?"

I said nothing, I just towed him to the bed and shoved him down. Then I took my dress off, crawling on top of him. His eyes grew wide.

"This. This is what I want." I growled as I grabbed his hands, cupping them on both of my breasts. "To feel."

Then I leaned down, licking along his unshaven jaw just before shoving my tongue down his throat, again. Bert kissed me but it wasn't nice. The kiss tasted bitter, salty, and I wanted it to end.

But that's the main reason I didn't stop.

Because it reminded me nothing good.

I slipped my hand into trousers, immediately encircling his semi-hard dick, jerking him off rapidly. I was disgusted and turned on at the same time.

Bert groaned, then broke the kiss. "Wow. Easy tiger, easy. This is way too fast."

"Too fast? Why?" I whined, trying to kiss him again but he skirted from my lips.

"B-because, you're high as fuck and it's creeping me out."

"Aw, come on! Just- just this time." I begged as I squeezed his dick, but he batted my hand away.

"No!" Bert yelled out. "Seriously, no." He pushed me over and stood up, pulling his pants back up.

"But Bert!" I crawled on top of the mattress, hopelessly, trying to get a hold of him. "Isn't this what you wanted all along? Come on, you pussy, just fuck me and get on with it!"

He squinted at me, viciously. "You're crazy."

"But-"

"I'd like you to go now." He said, walking to the door and opening it.

"No!" I dragged myself out of the bed, rushing over him. "Bert-"

"Get the hell out." He spat at me.

I didn't listen and pressed my body further against his, not too roughly, though, but just enough to get some friction. "No, you can't do this to me! Bert, please!"

"I said get the hell out!" He seized my wrists, yanking me out of the room with a force that had me hit the wall.

Ouch.

The back of my head was hurting now, burning. I slid down the wall, landing on the cheap carpet in my underwear as Bert threw my dress on me.

"And don't come back." He barked as he slammed the door.

I choked on dry tears, picking my feeble dress to cover me up. I felt like a stray dog. A slut. A junkie. Something impossible to love. My mind was pounding.

"Mia?"

I then heard, and my heart jumped. That voice. I squeezed my eyes for a while, so tightly- I saw colours and shapes. And I wanted to live in those colours. Die in them.

"Mia, what happened to you?"

Again, the voice brought me back. The same voice. It was getting close.

I quickly opened my eyes, barely turning my head.

Gerard's eyes were scattered, burning with fear and questions, and flaring, oh flaring so icily at me. He just stood there, at the end of the hall, all by himself.

I shamefully stood up, avoiding his gaze as I ran to my room.

"Mia! What did he do to you?" He called after me.

"It's not important!" I choked out.

I finally got to my room, closing the door. But I held my breath as the door stopped closing. Fuck. A foot was blocking the way.

"Gerard- would you stop pushing!"

"No!" He barked, busting on the frame.

I tried to keep the door still. "But what do you want?"

"I just wanna know what happened, what the fuck Mia!"

"And why would you care?"

"B-because! I do, I just do! What kind of question is that?"

I sighed, pressing my forehead against the wood. "Just forget it, alright?"

"No!" His tone lifted, and fuck- it sounded so worried. "I'm not leaving until you open this fucking door!"

I said nothing. I didn't know what to tell him. Should I let him in? But for what? So he could see me like this? High on drugs and drunk and completely wrecked? So I could look into his eyes, his impossible eyes, and tell him what I saw-

He busted on the frame, harder this time. "I swear to god, Lechowski, if you don't open this door I'm gonna-"

I let go.

I just let go and stepped back. There was no way out of this situation.

I ambled to the bed, grasping a blanket to cover myself. I heard the door open all the way but didn't dare to look. I simply settled myself against the wall, staring at the carpet- the outdated patterns- quivering.

I knew Gerard would come.

And he did.

Gerard entered the room and sat on the bed, facing me. He was probably looking at me by now, brown eyes full of questions. His breath was ragged. I could hear everything he was thinking. So many questions, so many whys, and hows. Oh, but through my trembles, I doubt I had the answers. Or at least.... the right ones.

"Mia, what's going on?" Gerard was very agitated. I could tell.

But I couldn't answer. No. Not yet.

"Did he do something to you? Did Bert hurt you?"

Still, I couldn't answer. Fuck. What was wrong with me?

"Mia..." His voice softened. "You can't just stand there and tell me nothing."

"I- I saw you." I finally let out, daring to lift my head.

Gerard squinted. "What?"

"I saw you."

"What're talking about?" His squint deepened. "Saw me what?"

"With her..."

Gerard just stared, confused.

I sighed. "I saw you with Alicia! In the lobby! Look, Gerard, it's fine." I glanced down again. "I don't care if you're back with her. I'm just a reporter anyway so why should I-"

"Wait." He interrupted me. "You think I was making out with her?"

I slumped my shoulders. "I mean, what else could you 2 do in a corner..."

"I don't know. Talking?"

I groaned. "I told you, Gerard. I don't mind if you're back with her. She's pretty and she's-"

"But I'm not back with her!" His tone lifted, again.

I raised my head. "So... you weren't like... kissing her?"

"No. I wasn't kissing her." Gerard ran a nervous hand through his hair, overwhelmed. "Alicia was trying to get back with me, Mia. She was so drunk, she couldn't even stand on her feet. She always does that and usually I... I take her back..."

I frowned. "And did you?"

"No..." He swallowed. "I told her I never wanted to see her again."

"Ow..." I made, realizing how bad I just overreacted. But- maybe it's because I was so scared to lose him that I let the first doubt destroy me... Like I never believed he could actually care for me. Or... love me.

Ugh.

I felt stupid now.

So stupid.

"Is that why you went to see Bert?" Gerard asked, throwing me a look. "Because you thought I was back with her?"

I only shrugged.

"Mia, tell me. I won't be mad at you."

"I-I just..." I bit my lip. "I needed to feel something."

Gerard stayed silent at that, and it made me uncomfortable.

"You don't say anything..."

He shook his head. "I don't understand."

"What..."

"That you'd rather let this asshole touch you instead of just talking to me! After everything he's said about you, Mia I-"

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No, don't say sorry, not to me." His voice cracked in pieces. "But I don't see why you'd do such a thing to yourself..."

I shrugged. "Maybe I'm just crazy. You know sometimes... I think I am."

A silence came.

I wondered why Gerard wasn't saying anything so I peered at him. He was just tilting his head at me, a look of perplexity on his face. It made me perplex, too, but there was nothing I could say.

He sighed, looking down. "I- I missed you, d'you know that?"

That made my heart thaw a little. "I missed you too."

"But it was awful." He groaned.

"What?"

He glanced up at me. "Waking up without you."

"Oh..." I frowned, remembering the poor note I left him.

Another silence came. This one even deader. I noticed the lines under his eyes were dark, blue even, like he hadn't slept for days.

"Do you regret it?" He asked me.

I raised an eyebrow.

He sighed, running a hand through his wild hair. "Making love to me... Do you regret it?"

"No." His choice of words caused a storm in me. "H-how can you say that?"

"Because you always leave." He almost cut me.

My breath hitched, he was right.

Gerard glanced away from me, like looking at me was too much now, almost like it hurt him. And I hated myself even more, but- I didn't want him to leave, no...

it's the last thing I wanted.

"But I'm... I'm here." I mumbled.

His black pupils slowly rolled back over me, still unconvinced.

I took a deep breath. "I'm here now and I don't want you to go. Please I- I need you."

Gerard drew a long, exasperated breath, passing a hand on his face. "You're killing me."

I started to quiver. "Please... please stay with me."

He hesitated for a while, then he stood up, walking towards me. "Just promise me you won't let him touch you again."

I pressed further against the wall. "W-well, I scared the shit out of him, so I think we're fine..."

A breathless laugh escaped his lips as he stopped right in front of me. I laughed too, but it was out of nervousness. I felt as though a little tension had run off now. But then, our smiles faded, and we just stared at each other.

He cupped my cheek. "Promise me?"

I nodded, shivering from his touch. "I promise. I promise and I'm sorry and I-"

"Shhh, it's okay."

I swallowed thickly.

"I'm not going anywhere." Then I think he smiled but I didn't see it.

Gerard leaned closer, so close that his face was just inches from mine. I could feel his breath on my chapped lips. And maybe I was drunk, maybe I was wasted, but nothing compared to that feeling. That feeling of having him- right there- with me.

I closed my eyes dreamingly when I felt his mouth across mine, gaping and trembling. But Gerard wasn't kissing me yet. No. We were just... breathing hot air into each other's mouth, shivering from the nearness- from each other. I could feel his jaw clench as he muffled a low moan.

And then-

he kissed me.

He kissed the life out of me and the time ceased.

But the kiss started lazily, and dirty.

A lost swirl of moans.

That's what it was.

I gasped when his hands slowly travelled up my arms until reaching my shoulders, softly sliding off the blanket.

A cold wind captured my bare skin.

But Gerard noticed it and placed his hands on my waist, sandwiching me between the wall as he kissed me deeper, so needily.

"Missed you." He cried against my lips. "Missed you so much."

I whimpered but in my head I screamed, fuck, everything was screaming. I gripped his hair in response, somehow clutching the thick strands between my fingers to keep him close even though that didn't make any sense.

Because he was already close.

So close.

He moved his hands from my waist, then slid them back and forth between my stomach and my rib cage. I moaned into his mouth, heart sinking to the bottom of his ocean as he kissed me with more force. Gerard was an ocean, one in which I couldn't swim.

But then, too soon, he broke away.

I found myself mouthing through the blank air, desperately searching for his lips. But- there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes were closed, still, but then I opened them. And, as soon as I did, all I saw were two eyes- two hazel eyes- just glowing at me with pure want. I stared back in them, unable to do anything then just stare. Get lost in them.

That was so easy.

"Did he touch you here?" Gerard asked, head falling to nip at my neck.

"N-no." I drowned, nails clawing at his scalp.

He growled in response, kissing down to suck on my collarbone. "And here?"

"Uh-uh."

Gerard moved further down, then licked the patch of skin between my breasts. "And here?"

"N-neither."

"Then how about-" He dropped to his knees. "Here?"

I shook my head, flattening my palms against the scratched wall as I looked down.

Gerard licked his lips. "Good."

He attacked my stomach with a breathy kiss. But the kiss was so loving, it literally took my breath away. I felt his fingers tug on the waistband of my panties.

"G-gerard-" I let out so weakly. "What are you doing?"

"What does it looks like I'm doing?"

"I don't know!"

He glanced up at me, smirking as he raised an eyebrow.

"You're... making me feel good?"

"Close-" He slid my panties all the way down, sucking a breath. "I'm gonna eat you out."

I gasped loudly. "Oh god, Gerard, no! Not here. Not in my room. Someone's gonna come!"

"I don't really care."

"But Gerard, Suko's gonnaAh-"

Gerard had just kitten-licked a strip between my folds, holding my thighs in place.

God.

Was this what nirvana felt like? Or agony? Maybe?

Oh, but I really shouldn't be talking right now.

I gripped his hair again, unconsciously bucking against his face, desperate for more friction, more tongue, more everything. Gerard hummed as he sucked on my clit. God. And his fucking tongue, it was so wet, so sexual, spreading warm spit all over me.

"G-gerard!" I managed to make.

Okay. I was moaning now. I was shaking now. I couldn't control it. It felt so right and so wrong. I knew I shouldn't be doing this, I knew it was dangerous, obscene even, but god- I couldn't make him stop, not anymore. The sensation was too strong, too intense, just out of this world and so damn-

A knock came from the door.

I kicked Gerard off me, and he fell on his butt.

"Mia? Are you in there? It's Suko. I lost my key card."

"Shit." I was petrified.

Gerard blinked at me from his awkward position on the floor, wet spit glistening all over his red cheeks. The sight was enough to kill me. Especially with that red tie of his, fuck, all loosened up like that with his rolled-up sleeves. It was a crime, really. It should be illegal.

I cleared my throat. "Uh- j-just- just a minute Suko!"

I yanked Gerard up, dragging him to the bathroom. I opened the shower curtain and pushed him inside. "Just- just stay right there, alright? And don't make a sound."

Gerard only nodded, dumbfounded. Poor him. I stayed there longer than I should, just blinking at him, but then I heard Suko again.

I snapped away, picking a towel from the rack as I wrapped it around myself. Then I walked to the main door, unlocking it. Suko's tired face appeared in the fissure.

"Heyy."

"Hey, sorry, I was just getting in the shower." I smiled, hoping to sound normal.

"Jesus, you're an early bird tonight." She rolled her eyes as she walked past me.

"Yeah uh, the whiskey was a bad choice." I followed her just to make sure she wouldn't enter the bathroom.

Suko kicked her shoes off. "Is that why you disappeared from the dancefloor?"

"Yeah, sorry."

She just gave me a look, but then shrugged, crawling to one of the beds as she crashed on her belly, sighing. "This is it. This party has officially ripped me from all of my social abilities. I am deceased."

I hummed as I watched her, always keeping an eye on the bathroom. But then I heard her snore, and I knew she was gone.

I tiptoed to the bathroom once more, stirring the knob ever so slightly as I bit my the inside of my cheeks, praying she wouldn't wake up.

Okay, at least the fixture wasn't creaking.

It was weird, though, because as the room expanded in front of me, no one could tell someone was hiding in the shower. No one.

I shut the door behind me, flipping the curtains.

Gerard was just...sitting there- on the cold porcelain tiles. Daydreaming or something.
Then he glanced up at me, eyes asking me if he could move, or just- breathe. Even. It was cute.

I nodded, gesturing him to get up with a finger pressed on my mouth. He did as I told him and grabbed my hand again. I hissed. His hand was cold now, but I moved away and towed him to the door.

I looked at him just before opening it. "Okay, so, I'm going to open this door, and then the other, and then basically throw you out. Okay?"

"Okay." He nodded, staring at me strangely.

Hum... okay. There was something else there, something on his face that meant more than just 'okay.'.

I gulped, trying not to get distracted by his face. He definitely knew what he was doing to me, at that moment.

I shifted around but immediately felt a hand on my shoulder, it tugged me all around, then my back hit the door a-and-

Gerard crashed his lips onto mine.

I gasped into his mouth, knocked out. He sighed as our lips melted together, as if he'd thought of this. As if he'd been plotting this thing the whole time in the shower and was finally getting what he wanted. Yeah, this was a plan of his. An evil plan from which I couldn't escape. But surely, didn't want to.

Gerard pulled back after a few seconds, pressing his forehead against mine.

"You know..." He began, out of breath. "I hate goodbyes too."

Oh, hell. He really went there. The kiss and the deadly pun at the end. I just looked at him, dizzy, almost hating him for pulling off that move so skillfully. As if my heart wasn't big enough, as if I couldn't want him more than I already did. Fucker.

I nudged him away, playfully.

"Ouch." He smirked.

I shook my head and finally opened the door. Suko was still snoring, so we stepped out. Gerard followed me to the main entrance, quietly.

I quickly unlocked the door, throwing him out of the room before changing my mind.

And then I just shut it, I shut the door and Gerard was gone.

He was gone.

I really hate goodbyes now.

Notes

That was a bit wild.