Your trust
The most gorgeously stupid thing I ever cut in the world

-robert.james.smith

*
I was standing in front of a long mirror, numerous cracks shattered it, and all I could see was my disfigured reflection.

Yeah, it turns out the only mirror I owned was a broken piece of glass. But hey, at least I knew the zipper of my dress was zipped properly.

Now bear with me, it wasn't a fancy dress. Oh no. My goal, for the evening, was to be unnoticed. I didn't want to draw the attention of people I didn't care about or fake a smile that felt like dying inside.

So yeah, I got this black dress, it ended mid-thigh, and the sleeves covered my arms.
It was around 6.55pm; I was almost ready. Suko was supposed to pick me up around 7 in our blue van. God, I missed the van, I couldn't wait to sit on those mild and cushy seats again or hear the chirpy stereo. Frankly, hitting the road again was making me feel slightly anxious, but I tried not to think about it. Deep down, in my soul, I knew I wanted nothing more than to leave again.

Sail away.

My bag was ready, with fresh and new clothes and all of my notes were sorted out. Yeah, everything was finally perfect, just as I always wanted it to be. With nothing to worry about, nothing to overthink, or regret, or doubt or dwell on or crave or miss o-or...

or.....

maybe.

Shit.

What am I even saying?

Ugh. Look, I was trying, okay? For once in my life, I was trying to do the right thing; to not let myself get eaten by my thoughts. By him. But truth be told, I really, really missed him. I missed him like I never missed anyone before, but I didn't know how to do this; how to miss somebody. Was there a way? I mean, was there something I could do?

Hm. I guess not.

Since I woke up, I was haunted by the moment he kissed me against the door, and it drove me endlessly crazy. The moment I lost it... just before he fucked me in his bed. And he fucked me so good, god. My eyes rolled back into my skull just thinking about it. I remembered his wet kisses on my breasts, his raunchy moans in my ears and all the words he said to me. Everything was so...

so-

Oh, I don't know... but how could I know? These things, they're just so hard to describe.

It was beyond me.

Beyond clouds.

A-anyway.... what I'm telling you here is that I was scared. Yeah, scared that all we had shared in Belleville would be nothing but a memory. A sad, and summerless memory. And I didn't want that; I didn't want the way he looked at me that night to be just a memory. Like all the good things in my life, how they always fall away, disappear...

become dust.

And you can't grip dust... it just slips through your fingers.

I suddenly heard a honk. Outside my window.

Suko.

Suko was there.

Oh well, there I was, staring at a distorted version of myself for the last time, wearing a damn dress with a fluttering heart.

I picked up my bags and left.

Like I always do.

*

"Whoa..." Suko made just as I entered the van.

I gave her the side-eye as I buckled up. "It's okay. I know I look ridiculous, you don't need to make a scene about it."

"No!" She objected. "I mean, you look beautiful, Mia. It's the first time I see you in a dress and I gotta say... you've got nice legs."

I blushed, Suko always made me blush. "Thanks."

Her black eyes widened as they spotted my feet. "Oh, and you got high heels too?"

"Well, what else could I wear?"

She shook her head. "Nothing, it's perfect actually. I'm just not used to... see you like this."

I raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Like... sexy. I don't know."

I snorted. "Sexy."

"Oh come on!" She laughed, starting the van at last. "Would you loosen up a little? Mia Eva Lechowski."

I sniggered, glancing at her outfit. Suko was wearing a lilac dress, it looked kinda long from where I sat, but it was strapless and very tight. Her blue hair was combed to the back, looking purposely wet, and a white flower was pinned on the side of her head. I swear she looked like a cosmic princess, or something like that. But- anyway, as always, she was stunning.

She sighed, hands on the wheel. "Okay, well, I suppose this is the part where I tell you we're leaving again."

I barely smiled, trailing off to my apartment building one last time. "I suppose it is..."

Then the van hit the road again, like it did a hundred times before, breaking me from my home unto unknown places. I sighed in contempt, turning the stereo on. A CD was already inside, and the song Never Let Me Down from Depeche Mode started to play.

I closed my eyes, drifting off to Suko's driving as the music took hold of me. I was excited, feeling young and anew, like a teenager going to prom.


Silly feelings.

*

Hotel Hilton Midtown, New York City

-7.30pm-

When the van approached the Hotel, all I could see was a pool of people and long limousines blocking the main entrance. But as we got closer, I got a glimpse of the rest. There was a red carpet, longing the stairs up to the door.

I glued my nose to the window and watched in awe. "Whoa, d'you see this? A red carpet!"

Suko stifled a laugh. "Yeah, pretty fancy isn't it? But it's not for us. Sorry to burst your bubble here but we're going old-fashion today."

"Which means?"

"Which means we're taking the backdoor, Mia baby, the dumpster door."

"Oh..." I slumped back on my seat. "Grand."

Suko snorted, taking a sharp turn to the right. "Fucking grand indeed."

The van ventured into the parking lot, leaving the fancy world behind. I was a bit disappointed at first, but a part of me knew this would happen. I mean, we weren't rock stars after all. Far from it.

I looked around as the ambiance tainted, the back of the hotel was much different than the front. The surface of the building seemed to decay as we got farther away and clouds of smoke were coming out of pipes. This is it. This is where I belong, I thought. No red carpet for me, only shallow alleys and the dark parts of beautiful things. But I was okay with that.

I still am.

Anyway. (yeah- I say that a lot. I get astray easily.)

We parked beside - just like Suko said - a dumpster. There was no one around, barely even cars, or maybe one or two. The rest of the vehicles weren't backtracked like us. But I'm sure my Suko had her reasons. She always did. And quite frankly, with her, I felt invincible. Dunno why.

We hurried out the van to get my things from the trunk.

"So, is this where the magic happens?" I ridiculed as I gripped my bag.

"Basically." Suko giggled, shutting the trunk. "You see that door over there?"

I blinked around until my eyes laid upon a tiny door- right where her eyes pointed out. The door was the same color of the edifice, which means it was hard to dismiss from the rest. But once you saw it, it couldn't be unseen.

"I see it."

Suko hooked her arm around mine and towed me to the entrance. "Yeah, well, you remember Maurice? That old punk that gave us our pass on the first day?"

"Uh, uh-huh."

"Well, he's right over there, waiting for us." Suko let go of me once we reached the door. I think she was about to knock on the surface but threw me a look instead. "Hum, he's a real pervy so be prepared."

I shrugged. "They're everywhere, what can I say."

Suko only smirked and knocked on the metal door. She just kept on bagging and bagging, without any pity for her wrist until someone finally responded. We heard a lock being unlatched and a fixture being forced, this door wasn't working right, you could tell.

The door opened in a swift, revealing to us exactly who we thought it'd be; Maurice. Good old Maurice.

"Laaadies!" He roared with a crooked smile, proud bandana still on his head. At least this time, he was wearing a suit.

"Hey, bad boy." Suko's voice sounded husky for a second.

Maurice chuckled, hugging her in a very, almost too tight embrace. But Suko didn't give a fuck about these things. Perhaps a girl like her would make the perfect heroine in my debut novel.

Maurice eventually saw me. "Hey, don't just stand there!" He yelled. "Come inside!"

I did as he told me and shut the heavy door behind me. The interior was poorly lighted so I couldn't see much, it was just the far end of what seemed to be a much bigger place. The air smelled of nothing- a blank room.

"So, where's our shit, Maurice?" Suko asked, crossing her arms.

"Right here, princess." Maurice fumbled through his pockets for a while, handing us two passes and two keycards. "The cards are for your hotel room, the entire fifth floor has been reserved for celebrities, but since you wild girls are with the band, you get the jackpot."

Suko laughed. "Thanks, Maurice."

"Heh, that's what they pay me for, baby. Y'all can give me your bags too, I'll make sure they get to your room."

We nodded and freed ourselves from our loads, thanking Maurice again.

He winked, disappearing in a dark corner. "Pleasure’s mine, ladies."

Well, that was efficient. This man may be pervy at times, but he was a real gentleman, I have to admit. Weird combination, though.

"Do you know where to go?" I asked Suko.

She seemed as confused as I was. "Hum, not really, but let's follow that hall."

I walked behind Suko, trying not to slump with those high heels. The sound of chatter and laughter became louder as we ventured the hallway. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, giving an effect of surreal infinity as you looked ahead. We had no idea where this would take us.

We stopped when we entered the lobby. A big staircase was right in front of us, probably leading to the party. Women in long dresses and men in suits were climbing up.

Suko beamed at me and clutched my hand, mounting the first stair. Okay, my heart was racing now, and I didn't know why. We merged between the guests.

Once at the top, I thought I'd walked into a dream. Pink balloons were floating all around, as if they wanted to blow up the ceiling and a large garland hung in the air, greeting us to the ballroom.

We stepped into the turmoil; it was dark, mostly, but red lights flashed along the sides, gradually diminishing to pink sparks. I gasped inwardly. It was so pretty. A disco ball was spinning above the dance floor, illuminating the dancers. The room was filled with people- beautiful people, dancing or talking, all of them, just flooding my eyesight.

Oh and wait- even a band was playing! I think it was Taking Back Sunday.

Wow.

I was mesmerized, trying to keep my cool.

Suko patted my arm. "Mia, Mia look! It's Rapha over there!"

I searched with my eyes. For now, all I could see were strangers and camera flashes. But I quickly found him. Raphael was there, laughing with a group of people near the dancefloor. He was wearing a white corduroy suit, and the first buttons of his shirt were unclasped, showing off a bit of shag. Classy.

We rushed towards him, Suko being the first to shout his name as he whirled around.

"My two girls!" He smiled, opening his arms for us.

We both landed into his embrace, chuckling as we group-hugged.

"God! I can't believe you're still in the US!" I said as we let go.

Rapha grinned, pushing his curly locks back. "I'm always here. Don’t you know?"

I smiled. "Well, that's cool, cuz I don't want you to leave."

"So, what's up?" He sighed. "I see you girls are fucking late to the party... but I gotta say, you both look ravishing."

Suko rolled her eyes. "It's called fashionably late, Rapha."

"Oh, pardon my French." He wiggled his eyebrows comically. "You could at least thank me for the compliment."

"Is this why you're praising me?" Suko teased. "So I can return the favour by kissing your ass?"

Rapha shook his head. "You're impossible, Matsuko."

"Don't listen to her!" I laughed. "You look hot."

Suko rolled her eyes again, but she was smiling. "Anyway, how long have you been here?"

"Hum, I don't know. Maybe 3, or 4. It was still bright outside when I came in, but then I found the whiskey bar and-"

"Whiskey bar?" Suko's eyes widened.

"Yeah!" Rapha exclaimed. "And the champagne bar, wine, cocktail, canapes. I mean, are you blind? Just take a look around, Suko, it's everywhere!"

*

The first part of the night went just as planned.

The three of us kept on gushing, about the music and the evening, even Raphael's friend joined our conversation.

I was bored after some time, though. Small talk wasn't something I was good at, and frankly, I needed a drink. I left the dancefloor, Suko and Rapha being too trapped in their world even to notice my absence.

I located a table near the wall with hundreds of champagne drinks. I threw myself on it, seizing a glass, gulping it down. Then I hiccuped, quite loudly, provoking glares from the people around. Shit. I had to remember this wasn't a rock show, but a sophisticated soiree with a bunch of uptight snobs. Stupid Mia.

"Excuse me." I shyly uttered.

I squeezed myself against a wall, sipping my drink as I watched the party unwind. At least here, in the shadow, I felt at home.

I recognized a lot of band members; some from Fall Out Boy, The Killers, even Bert McCracken with-

hold up...

Alicia?

Oh really? Her again? Fuck. No doubt, it was her!

Anyway, I didn't want them to see me, so I walked away- anywhere. At this point, I was just walking around, pretending to go somewhere. My heart stopped a few times, though, always thinking I saw Gerard across the room. Oh, but my eyes, they were foolish. Because every time I squinted, I realized it wasn't him. I stopped and took a deep breath.

"Mia?"

Wo.

I recalled that voice. That British voice. I searched for the sound across the room and finally saw a man with blond hair. It was James McCann. My big, big boss.

"Mr. McCann!"

"Well, well, well! If it isn't the talented Mia Lechowski, I was looking for you! What are you doing here all by yourself?" He walked up to me, all smiley and shit.

I flushed. "Oh, just- doing my job, sir." Wow, was that the best I could come up with? Doing my job by wandering around and drinking champagne? Good one.

James clasped his tongue against his palate. "Sir? Since when do you call me sir? It's James, love. James. Learn it."

"James, yes. Sorry, James."

"It's alright." He chuckled, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Come, there are some people I want you to meet!"

"Uh? Ookaaay!" I yelped as James lurched me forward, dragging me across the auditorium.

"Frederic!" James howled out to a man as we joined a clan of braggarts. "Frederic, I'd like you to meet our most promising writer of 2005, our little protege, Mrs. Lechowski."

"Hmm..." The man scanned me from head to toe, sipping a Martini with a well-combed mustache. "Isn’t she the girl you were talking about earlier?"

"Yes! It is her. In flesh and bones."

"N-nice to meet you. I’m Mia." I babbled out, feeling scrutinize. I had no idea who this man was.

The stranger smiled, but it wasn't friendly. "Oh, I know. We heard a lot about you..."

“Right.” I gulped.

James slumped me away, from people to people, saying the same thing over and over again, as if I was a prize or a medal of his. I did my best not to flinch, greeting them as I fought a sudden urge to escape, find Suko and Rapha, or simply get drunk in a corner.

Look, they weren't mean to me, but these people, they were important; some account executives and CEOs with a lot of money and I had no interest in meeting them. Ugh. But I had to, even though my feet were killing me. This was part of my job. Their eyes sunk deep into me each time, judging me. Judging my existence.

At this point, I was just staring at the ground, waiting for the next round as James carried me like a dog.

What a night.

"Oh, Mr. Way!" James emitted. "My apologies, I thought it was someone else."

"It's okay."

My heart made a turn.

Did he say?

I lifted my head. Oh god. Gerard. It was him now, standing in front of me in a white shirt and a red tie. His hazel eyes grew wide. So did mine.

"Well-" James added. "I suppose you two don't need an introduction."

Gerard blushed but tried to hide it. "Uh, no, no we don't."

"Hi." I only said.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Hi..."

God, he was beautiful.

It felt so strange to see him there, with all these people around, but it was still him. The same Gerard who not so long ago, was kissing me, and holding me in his bed. With eyes glistening with the closest I've ever got to love.

We just blinked at each other, not realizing what was going on, or knowing what to say. Like when you meet an old friend again, after all these years, when the times have changed and the memories shed. You don't know who you are anymore, who you were.

But then... you're just there, you're back. You’re facing each other with nothing to lose. And you hope to god the flame is still alive.

"Is your band playing soon?" James asked as we weren't saying anything.

Gerard nodded, still lost in me, then snapped away. "Uh, yeah, right after this one."

"Well, we won't bother you any longer, there're still some people Mia needs you met." James grabbed my hand again, pulling me away. "Have a nice evening, Mr. Way."

"Sure, you too." Gerard seemed confused. His eyes dwelled upon me, telling me things. Things I wish I could know.

I shrugged helplessly, being pulled back against my will. Fuck. I wanted to be near him. I didn't want to go, not when I could literally feel him right near me. If only he knew just how much I missed him. If only...

Ugh. But I couldn't tell him. Not now. Not here.

It was pointless.

Then his figure became nothing more than a grain of sand as I drowned into the crowd again. It was getting hot, hard to breathe.

“James!” I called out, but he didn’t hear me. “James! Wait a minute!”

He finally stopped. “Yes, Mia?”

“Look-” I started, out of breath. “I know this is a critical night for you, that you want me to meet everybody and I appreciate your enthusiasm but- seriously, my feet are killing me right now. I’m wearing high heels, and if I don’t get a real' drink soon, I think I'm about to drop. So please, for the love of god, can we just… stop?”

James seemed disappointed. “Oh, but I thought we-”

“Thanks!” I ran away, not even caring to hear his answer. I skipped through the bodies, aimless now. I ended in front of a mini bar. I took a seat on a stool, sighing, enjoying the sudden peace that surrounded me. I didn’t realize how tipsy I was until now.

“Anything for you, miss?” The voice of the bartender asked.

I blew a strand of hair that had fallen on my face. But it fell back again. “Yeah, double whiskey, on the rocks.”

"There you go, miss." The bartender said, sliding my glass across the counter. "Something's troubling you, ain't it?"

Damn. Did I look this thrown? "How'd you know?"

"Because-" He began, leaning forward. "Girls who come here asking for doubles never have a smile on their face."

"Oh, and I suppose I don't?"

"Nah."

I sighed, waving my glass in the air. "Cheers."

I drank my whiskey but almost choked as I heard Gerard's voice through the microphone.

The band had just arrived on stage.

I showed my empty glass to the bartender. "I'll have another one."

*

Five empty glasses stood in front of me, all of which I drank- all alone.

I was wasted.

And maybe... maybe a little lovesick.

Gerard had left the stage a while ago, and I didn't know where he was. He was probably backstage, for all I know, partying with other band members. I sighed at the thought. He felt so far away from me.

A hand squeezed my shoulder. "I knew I'd find you here."

I didn't jump; I was too flabby. "W-who? Me?"

Suko appeared on my side. "Yes, you. Lonely girl."

I hiccuped. "What- what do you want?"

"You. I want you. Come dance with me!"

I pondered, swaying from side to side as I hiccuped again. "I- I dunno, Suko. I don't think I can."

She sighed. "What's the matter with you? You're sad again?"

I shrugged.

Suko pouted. "Aww, but please, come dance with me!"

I grunted, unable to resist her. "Okay, okay! B-but only be- because I love you-" I tried to stand up; it was hard.

She helped me. "Jesus, you're drunk, are you?"

"Yup," I said as I clutched her arm.

She finally prompted me on my feet, making sure I was alright. Suko led me to the dancefloor, sounds and lights overstimulating me. I tried dancing, moving my lazy body. But fuck- people were crashing into me, bumping into me- on every side. Nop, dancing wasn't a good idea. I wanted to throw up.

I was about to leave but then, the rock music faded and a dream pop melody took over. I wondered what was going on, blinking in all directions, until I saw the disco ball come down. And since it was right above me- well, the sparks reflected in my eyes.

Wait.

Was this a slow dance? I think it was. Everyone was grabbing a partner now. Everyone.

I just stood in the middle of the dance floor, all alone, with no one to dance with, no one to hold. Where the fuck was Suko? I wondered again. I couldn't see her. All this warmth around me, all this love, it was making me feel cold now. So cold in the heart.

Fuck.

I gave up, feeling like this party was over for me. I just took my shoes off, picking them up as I left the dancefloor. I dragged myself out of the ballroom, skipping through the pink balloons.
And they looked sad now, like me.

I went down the stairs, barefoot and spaced out.

Once at the lobby, I slipped my keycard out of my dress to look at my room number. I squinted, still drunk.

555- it said.

Okay, I had to find the elevator now.

I swallowed thickly, daydreaming of a glass of water as I wandered through the empty lobby. Some guests were leaving too, and I walked past them, unknowingly entering a hallway.
but...

A voice suddenly got my attention, just as I found the elevator. It's as if almost the voice rang an alarm in my head.

I swear it sounded like... Alicia? I doubled check just to make sure, squinting through the aisle. My vision was still blurry but if I squinted hard enough, I could see two silhouettes. Yeah, they were right there- at the far end- blending into shadows.

I took a few steps.

A-and then...

I-

I saw it.

Or more like… saw them.

Gerard and Alicia.

And fuck. They were so close to each other. So damn close. All I could see was Gerard's back, but I knew it was him, I could tell from miles away.

My heart lashed out. I swallowed as a misery - a sense of hopelessness - washed over me. But I couldn't cry, no. I couldn't even scream. I was too drunk for that, all I felt w-was...was...

emptiness.

The end of the hallway zoomed in on me as I stepped backwards. But I couldn't look away- away from this horrible, horrible sight.

I forced myself to turn around, reaching the elevator. The doors slid open and I sunk into the cubicle. White neon flickered above me as I pushed the button, closing my eyes.

Why would he go back to her? Why would he...

I didn't understand. I didn't understand it and I was so drunk.

Then the doors slid open, greeting me with a bright, sunny corridor.

This was the 5th floor.

I crawled along the stream of doors with the only hope of locking myself into my room and stay there forever. Forget what I had seen, possibly dream and wake up as if nothing happened.

Maybe that will work, I thought.

Maybe the voices in my mind won't scream once I put my head on the pillow. Maybe I won't think that's it's all because of me. Because I'm not good enough. Good enough for him.

I'm unloveable. Don't you remember that? Don't you remember he told me to listen to that stupid song? It was a sign, I'm sure... it was written in the stars.

Random people passed me, all of which I barely get a glimpse of. I finally located the right number, but then, a door creaked beside me.

"Well, lookee here..."

Someone said.

At this point, I had nothing to lose, so I turned my head.

Bert McCracken was standing a few doors away.

I glanced at him with no emotion. "Hey."

He leaned against the wall, cocking an eyebrow. "Party sucks?"

"Kinda..." I shrugged, gliding my keycard into the slot with a trembling hand. Then the door unlocked, expanding to darkness.

"Alright, well, sweet dreams." He sneered. "But if you wanna keep the night rolling, you know where to find me..." He winked and turned around, entering his room.

I stared at my dark room for a while- my empty room- it was as empty as I was. I sighed. Maybe this time, maybe I didn’t want to be left alone. Maybe I needed something, or someone, to break the numbing pain...

maybe I-

"Wait!" I heard my voice echo, as if the desperation was talking instead of me.

But-

Bert wasn't there anymore.

I launched over, right in front of his room. The door was still opened, as if he knew I'd come.

Notes

part 2?