4.30am

That’s the time it was when I reached the train station.

The place was practically abandoned. I walked along the platform, following the endless stretch of the rails. They seemed rusty.

It was that strange part of the day again; when the night is almost over but the morning hasn’t quite started yet. Dawn is meeting the sky, degrading colours to lighter shades, and it’s quiet in the air. Way too quiet.

I laid down on a wooden bench, curling up in my jacket as I used my bag for a pillow. It was pretty cold for a summer night and I shuddered. The morning dew was condensing on parts of the wood, making it slightly humid against my clothes. I shifted around but every position felt the same. I sighed. I guess I was fine. I was used to this, y’know? Being on my own in uncomfortable places. Nothing bothered me anymore.

An unwelcoming breeze blew wildly across me. I began to quaver and curled up some more, trying my best not to think about Gerard but it was impossible. I was drowning in the thought of him. I wondered if he saw my note on the pillow, or if he missed me. Maybe he was still sleeping like a log. I don't know. Every part of me reminded me of him and I could still feel him inside me.

He was everywhere.

I covered my eyes with my sleeve and sensed myself drift away, despite me, to unconscious slumber.

*

“Mam?”

Someone was poking my side. A finger, a pointed and very sharp one. Damn I hate being poke. I groaned.

“Mam! You can’t stay here!”

I groaned again. That damn finger wouldn’t stop poking me. I finally opened my eyes, halfway. The morning sun had arrived. I blinked a series of astounded blinks, slowly perceiving a figure that was lurking at me from above. Some older man, it seemed. He didn’t look pleased to say the least.

I sat up, growling and stretching. “Uh- s-sorry. I must’ve fell asleep. What time is it?”

The tall man placed his hands on his hips, scowling at me. He was wearing a uniform and his dark hair was shaven at skin level. Very serious and strict. “I’m sorry, young girl, but homeless people are not allowed to sleep in the station. I will have to escort you.”

“Homeless?” I repeated more to myself than to him. “I-I’m not homeless! I just fell asleep, waiting for my train.”

“And have you got a ticket?”

“Hum…” I scratched my head. Damn. I forgot to buy a ticket. How stupid of me. Good job Mia. “No...”

The man grabbed my arm to lift me up. “That’s what I thou-”

“B-but wait!” I yelled a bit too loudly and he jumped. “I want to buy one! I’m not homeless I swear! I’m just tired and I forgot. Jeez!”

Uniform man just studied me for a while, still holding up my arm. I stared right back at him, widening my eyes to look sad. I could see that he was trying to decide what to do with me.

He finally sighed. “Alright. Come with me, we’ll buy you a ticket.”

“Oh thank you!” I exhaled, eyes searching for his name tag. There it was. “Corgan?”

“Agent. It’s agent Corgan.” The man corrected me and started walking. “Now come.”

I followed - as he said himself - agent Corgan to the ticket counter. I’m not surprised I didn’t see it when I arrived because it was built inside a wall, barely visible for the naked eye. The whole station was made out of brown bricks and it was very old, most of the shapes blended into one another.

Anyway.

Agent Corgan led me to the ticket counter and settled himself on the side just to make sure I was really buying a ticket, watching me intently. His arms were crossed, uptight and all.

Pfh.

I bet this man didn’t have a lot of fun in his life. Oh well, at least the lady behind the glass was kind to me. She even gave me the time with a gracious smile. Lovely woman. It was 6am. The next train to New York was leaving at 6.30 so I guess I was alright.

I bought my admission and made sure to show it to Agent Corgan. “Seems like your professional flair is out of luck this morning, Mr. Agent.”

His rigid face didn’t move. I gave him the side-eye and smirked smugly, even wiggling my IDNYC card in front of his nose. That’ll show him, I thought. He was slightly annoyed by my teasing but he deserved it. I mean, I knew I could look a bit shady at times but… homeless?

Really?

Hm. Oh well. Maybe I did. But try rolling in a van for weeks with the same clothes, bathing in creeks or partying with punks. Yeah, try all of that and tell me how you look afterwards.

See?

I told you.

You look homeless.

But, when I think about it. I was homeless, in a sense. I mean, I had a home, sure, but it seemed so... far away.

I don’t know.

It’s bizarre.

So much had happened to that girl since she left New York on that rainy morning.

And that girl was me... but she was gone.

*

I was standing in the middle of the crowd, waiting for the train. People with suitcases and earphones who kept to themselves had now filled the whole platform. Nobody looked at each other, except me. I scanned their faces; their zombie faces. I felt like the underdog, the one who followed but didn’t know why. Everyone seemed to be so focused and fresh, ready to attack their day or the life they had built. As to me, well... I just stood there with my lumpy little bag, feeling my bones crack and my stomach growl.

I was hungry.

Thankfully, the train arrived precisely on time. The sounds of the steaming wheels waxed up the whole atmosphere. I sneaked out between all the bodies, muttering fainted apologies as I did so. I really had to make sure to stay close to the doors, otherwise I’d get trampled on.

The doors opened and the crowd pushed me forward. I almost tripped but caught myself right on time and stepped in the wagon. I scanned the place, all the empty seats were getting invaded by a sea of faceless people. Shit. I had to hurry.

I found one by a window, literally plunging myself on it to make sure nobody would steal it away from me. These people, I tell you, they were savages. I guess working from 9 to 5 really does fucks with your brain.

Anyway.

The train was packed now. A soft, lifeless melody, advised us for the departure and in no time, we were rolling on the rails.

A breath swept me by and I hugged my bag. I couldn’t believe I was finally leaving. For a moment I really thought I’d never get out of this place, but now my heart was somewhere else. It was behind me. A sudden hole in my chest started quivering. Something was missing.

Someone.

I stargazed out the window, watching the narrow landscapes getting blurry throughout the growing speed of the train. The skyscrapers of New York’s skyline were already visible in the distance.

This was it.

I was coming home.

*

Penn Station, New York City

7am

When the train arrived in New York, everyone got out. I stepped into the station, bumping into strangers, doing my best to keep my bag close to me as they violently tugged me back and forth. I blinked around, helpless to find an exit.

I eventually did and ran towards it.

Outside, the street was even busier. So many cars flashed before my eyes and all the passengers moved in a hurry, wending one’s way. I guess I had forgotten how crazy this city was, how tall the buildings were, making you feel so small. Belleville was so calm and shallow, nothing like this place. I got on the edge of the sidewalk and waved my hand in the air, waiting for a taxi.

A yellow car slowed down in front of me and I entered it. I told the driver my address and gave him a look so he knew I wasn’t down for small talk. Gladly, he wasn’t either.

The ride was quiet. I could finally relax. We eventually stopped in front of my apartment building but the driver had to clear his throat. My eyes were closed, you see.

“That’ll be 20$, mam.”

Mam.

I hate that title.

I only nodded and handed the man his money, hurrying out the car without even thinking to do it.

But I stopped. Right on the sidewalk. Maybe I had to pinch myself to realize I was home. Because I was. I was home. The last time my eyes laid upon this building- that time- I was a different girl with different eyes. I shook my head and slumped inside, escalating the stairs my feet robotically remembered to climb. The building was empty. You could even hear a mouse.

I unlocked and kicked the door of my tiny apartment, throwing my bag on the floor. Food could wait, I thought, all I wanted was to find my bed.

And that’s what I did.

*

The sound of my phone awoke me from a series of very intense dreams. I rolled over, sunk into a sea of pillows. My phone was in my jacket so I roughly took it out.

I groaned before answering. “Hello?”

“Mia!”

“Who is it?”

The voice sniggered. “It’s me, fuck face!”

“Oh.” I sat straight up and ran a hand on my face. “Suko...”

“Well... someone’s happy to talk to me.”

I cleared my throat. “S-sorry, I just woke up.”

“Where the hell are you? Are you still in Jersey?”

“No, I’m in New York. I arrived this morning.”

“Oh, alright.” Suko paused a little - I didn’t say anything. “Are you okay?” She then asked. “You don’t sound too good.”

“Nah, don’t worry Matsuko, I’m fine.” I had to change subject. “B-but what about you? How’ve you been?”

She sighed longingly. “Oh well, I’ve been doing okay, just working a lot the past few days, the office was a fucking mess when I arrived. Todd and Erika really want to see you, y’know? That’s why I’m calling.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Do you think you could come to the office tomorrow morning?”

“Uh, sure. What time?”

“Around 8 or so.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Great. Bring all you’ve got, okay? Your notes, your tapes- everything. But mostly, don’t forget your head.”

I stifled a laugh. “Promise.”

“Kay. Miss you.”

“Miss you too.”

We both hung up.

I stared at my room for awhile, taking notice of it for the first time. Alejandro really did a good job with the plants. Hm. Speaking of my crazy neighbour, I wondered what he was up to…

Anyway, it was dark outside now. I slipped out of the covers, yawning and stretching, knowing a lot of work was ahead of me. I felt overwhelmed at the thought of Todd asking me questions about Gerard tomorrow but shoved the idea away. I mean, I had no other choice. Because I fucked up. We both fucked up. Real bad.

Jeez I missed him. At that moment, I really did and it hit me. I instinctively checked my phone just to see if he had texted me.

He didn’t.

Ugh.

But fuck it, I had enough information on the other band members...

Hopefully that could distract them.

I walked to my window and lighted a cigarette, watching the city view.

Here’s to hoping.

*

73 Spring Street, Kerrang! Office, Soho, Manhattan

8.15am

I tilted on my chair, fumbling with papers. I spent my whole night working on my resume, going through all my notes and recordings and wow. I’m pretty sure I had bags under my eyes. Erika was sitting right in front of me, waiting for Todd to join us. My heart was racing and I couldn’t make eye contact with her. I don’t know why I was so nervous.

Well, no.

Scrap that.

I knew exactly why I was nervous….and you all know it too.

A door slammed open and a waft of air hit my neck. “Sorry, sorry guys! I’m late, I know!” Todd exclaimed as he stormed inside the room with many documents in hands.

I shifted on my chair as he came closer.

His eyes brightened up. “Well look who’s here! Our little reporter!” He dropped his stuff on the table and took a seat.

I smiled at him. “Todd.”

Erika handed him a cup of coffee she had prepared and he thanked her, taking a sip before talking to me. “So, enjoyed your time with your parents, I suppose?”

I squinted briefly, but then remembered. “Oh- uh- yeah. They were… happy to see me.”

Todd grinned. “They must be real proud of their little girl.”

“Yes.” I swallowed. “They sure are.”

“So, what have you got so far? Show me.”

“Hum-” I cleared my throat. “Well, here’s a folder I made, all the best information is gathered inside. But I didn’t put everything, cuz you know, they are still some things I need to work on. But hum, yeah, h-here it is-” I slid the papers across the table and he grabbed them.

Todd nodded, putting his glasses on. “Very well, then. Would you mind if me and Erika go through it for awhile?”

“N-no, of course not.” I shook my head. “Go ahead.”

“Maybe wait outside?” Todd asked as I wasn’t moving.

I snapped. “Oh, sure.”

“Thank you.” Todd replied, already distracted as he studied my work. “You can close the door as you leave, please. Oh and, don’t go too far.”

I nodded and got up, stepping in the hallway. I shut the door and closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against it. I swear I felt so guilty inside, lying to my boss was the worse. But nobody could know what happened that night, ever. I had broken the rules, I had broken all the promises I made to myself and my friends with something as stupid as a kiss. There was no going back now…I had fallen in love. In love with a rockstar.

I squeezed my eyes tighter.

“Mia!”

“Huh?” I blinked around for awhile. And there she was, Suko. I noticed her hair was blue now.

“Oh suko!”

“Oh my god!” She ran towards me and shoved me into her arms. “I’m so happy to see you!”

“M’happy too, Matsuko.” I melted into her warm embrace, letting myself go. It felt so good to have her with me again. “I missed you so, so much.”

She chuckled. “Hey me too.”

We let go of each other and smiled.

“Nice hair.” I coaxed.

She tucked a strand behind her ear. “I needed change. You like it?”

“You look gorgeous.” She really did. So damn beautiful she was.

“So…” Suko started. “How’s the meeting going?”

“I don’t know. They told me to wait outside.”

Her black eyes widened. “Oh.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” She laughed as she sensed my utter panic. “Todd does that all the time. He can’t work with people watching him, quite a lone wolf actually. The only person he can tolerate is Erika. Don’t worry, girl, it’s not a bad sign.”

I sighed. “Yeah.”

“Hey, you’ve been busting your ass the whole tour, you gotta be more optimistic than that!” She nudged my arm and I snorted. “Anyway, ready for the road again?”

“Well, even if I wasn’t, I don’t have a choice, don’t I?”

“Nah, you don’t.” She wrinkled her nose.

“When are we leaving?”

“Dunno yet. But there’s this charity event tomorrow night.”

“Oh, where?”

“Hotel Hilton in midtown. The band will be there, as well as The Used and many other celebrities. Sounds like a shit show but it’s supposed to be for cancer and stuff, the press will be there too.”

“Oh, are they gonna play live?”

“Yeah, that’s the whole idea. They’re raising funds.”

“Damn. I didn’t know. How come Gerar-” I stopped myself just in time. “I-I mean, how come Todd didn’t tell me?”

She shrugged. “He probably thinks I told you already. But fuck, I couldn’t get a hold of you these past few days... God knows what you were doing over there.”

My face turned red. “I just- I needed to take time for myself...”

Suko puzzled me for a while, unsure of my answer as she raised her eyebrow. She finally sighed. “It’s okay. I get it.”

A door creaked and we both turned our heads.

Erika’s head was peeking out of the doorway. “Mia, we’re ready now, you can come in.”

I nodded and swallowed, giving one final glance at Suko. She winked at me, patting my shoulder as a sign of good luck. I think I needed it.

I followed Erika inside as she led me back to my chair. Todd was scribbling down some notes, all the pages of my resume were spread on the table. It was quite a mess. “Well, Lechowski, we’ve looked at your work...” Todd let on, still writing something.

“And?”

He tossed his pen aside, finally looking at me. “It was alright.”

I frowned. “Just… alright?”

Todd stared at me for awhile, dead serious. I stared back with undoubted fear in my eyes. But then all suddenly, Todd bursted out into laughter, and so did Erika. I squinted at them, wondering what the hell was going on.

“We’re just messing with you, Lechowski!” Todd exclaimed. “Your work is brilliant, absolutely brilliant!”

“Oh.” I sighed out in relief.

“We haven’t read such a captivating piece of writing in years. Your personal insights about the life on the road and the music industry are fantastic! Your story is rich, thought provoking. You’ve done great so far, Mia, I am impressed.”

Wow. I couldn’t believe Todd didn’t mention Gerard, but mostly, I couldn’t believe everything he just said about my work. It was surreal. “T-thank you, Todd.”

“But...”

Uh-oh. There it was. The BUT.

“There was one thing, though. One thing that made me wonder.” Todd paused, taking a long sip of his coffee just before folding his hands together. “You see, there seems to be a lot of information on each band members. All of them, except, our lead singer. Tell me, Mia, are you and Mr. Way getting along?”

I blushed. “Hum, yeah, o-of course.” I stuttered, mind stirring for an excuse. “It’s just that hum, you know, Gerard is a very secretive man and hum-” I gulped. “I guess I’m just waiting for the right time to approach him.”

“Well, you better focus on that for the rest of the summer, Lechowski. Remember, he’s the one who’ll be on the front page of the magazine.”

I nodded gingerly. “Yes, I know. I’m giving you my word Todd. ”

“Well I’m taking it, Lechowski. You haven’t disappointed me so far but that doesn’t mean I’m done with you.”

“I understand.”

“Anyway, you can go home now, I’ll call you soon.”

I gave my goodbyes and got up.

“Oh and Lechowski!” Todd called just as I was about to leave the room. “Don’t forget to wear a dress tomorrow night, for the charity event. It would be a disgrace for me to send my only reporter in ripped jeans while the rest of them parade in suits and bow-ties.”

A dress? Me? Oh well.

“Sure.”

I left the office around 11am. Suko was nowhere to be found so I didn’t tell her goodbye. But that’s okay. I had a lot of things on my mind, and a lot of things to take care of. First thing would be my dress. I don’t wear dresses, if you haven’t noticed, so that would be quite a challenge. I needed to buy something black but classy. The tour was starting again tomorrow and I needed to be all set. Although the thought of seeing Gerard again really gnawed on my nerves, especially with all the press and fans around.

Ugh.

Gerard was a different man on tour, we all know that. I wondered if he’d still be the same with me, like he has been in Belleville, or ignore me...

Perhaps what happened that night was just a lie.

Guess only time could tell.

Notes

Damn, I haven't updated this quickly in ages. The last chapter had me thinking a lot, all that Belleville thing with Gerard was taking a lot from me.... But anyway, I guess we're entering the second half of the story now. I hope you are still enjoy this... Let me know, it makes all the difference sometimes. x