all kinds of new you
-mbv

*

The show was still playing but I couldn’t hear it anymore. I rubbed my swollen eyes, feeling waves of realization wash over me as I stood up.

This couldn’t be real. Couldn’t it? I...I couldn’t just be... in love? Me?

I mean, it sounded so strange, so foreign at that moment. A total stranger.

Oh fuck.

I- I couldn’t stay there anymore. In that studio. I needed to get some air. I swallowed the left over tears that had entered my mouth and pushed on the soundproof door.

Thankfully, the door was right beside me so I could leave unnoticed. Though I don’t remember if my dreary state caused me to slam the frame. Nop, I don’t remember anything, all I wanted was to get away. Away from him and the things he did to my heart.

I dived into the white corridor, feet as quick as the beat of my heart. My mind stirred as I looked for a window or any type of salvation. Then I spotted it. There was a window, right at the end of the hall. I didn’t waste any time and forced the lock open, immediately welcomed by the hot summer breeze.

It felt good.

I lighted a cigarette and let my head bang against the window, lazily. I watched the city view as the pink sky softly loomed over it. It was kind of pretty, dreamy, even. The lasting rays made love with the clouds.

Seemed like another day had just slipped me by.

Oh well, what a shame, really.

But it didn’t matter. No. Nothing really mattered anymore because I was in love with Gerard.

Yeah, I was okay? And it was all I could think about.

Him.

It was all I could think about. Him. His voice, the way he just closed his eyes as he sang the song. Or even the random shits he does. Like when he rubs his stupid but perfect face as he talks. Or the way he says my name as if it’s a bad thing and I suddenly want to hear it over and over again. O-or... the way he can always guess what I’m thinking, read my mind. The way he’s different- different from all the others.

Unlike anybody.

Ugh.

I needed to cool down. Focus on something else.

I mean, in just a few hours I’d be on a night train heading to New York, right? Argh. I don’t know. Maybe I just lost my mind.

“Mia!”

My name got called and I thanked the heavens it wasn’t his voice. I swiveled around. Frank was just standing over there, his guitar case in hand as he questioned me with his eyes. “We’re all leaving. What’cha doing over there? Is everything good?”

I clumsily bumped my cigarette out of the window. “Uh- yeah, yeah it’s cool. I just needed a cigarette.”

Frank stifled a laugh. “Addict.”

I slumped my shoulders. Guilty of charge.

Then the door opened again and Ray appeared.

“Okay, well, we’ll be outside.” Frank told me. Him and Ray both walked towards the elevator.

“I’ll come in a minute.” I mumbled as I turned around. I needed another cigarette. Or save some time. I don’t know.

I switched my attention back to the window- the world outside. I saw people on the sidewalk, they all walked with their heads down. I suddenly wondered what kind of life they had, where they were going… all that stuff. Perhaps it was the worst day of their life, or the best, I don’t know. It’s weird, you know, when you think about it... I’d never see these people again.

Anyway.

Enough with that.

I heard many sounds behind me. A few hushed laughs and the clash of instruments. The voices eventually faded, though, melting away with their footsteps. I waited until my last puff before making my way to the elevator.

Coast was clear.

The elevator was still at the ground floor when I arrived. I pushed on the button.

But then-

A door opened. The door of the studio. I barely turned my head and saw half a body hanging out the doorway. And then I recognized it. His voice. Oh and… his ass. Yeah, even Ken’s voice. Bummer. I should’ve known. Gerard’s always last. Like me.

I took a deep breath and ignored the thumping in my chest. I could do this. I could do this.

I heard his boots resonate against the floor. Okay. Gerard was coming my way now. I kept my eyes on the floor, there was nothing to look at but it was all I had. Nothing was all I had.

Gerard settled himself right beside me. He wasn’t making any sound. Neither was I. I could feel his gaze on me.

“Hey.” His voice was quiet, used from all the singing.

“Hey.” I only repeated.

“Hum…” He cleared his throat. “You didn’t stay?”

“Where?”

“I saw you leave during the last song.” He sounded sad.

“Oh, hum, yeah.” I gulped before lying. “I had to uh- I had to make a phone call.” Bullshit.

Then a silence came and it was super awkward. Gerard shifted from his position and I kept my eyes glued on the floor. I noticed a crushed cigarette near the wall, blood was rushing through my ears. Why was it taking so long? Was the elevator broken?

“Are you okay?” I heard him say.

I finally turned my head but regretted it instantly. “Huh?”

His eyes flared at me. “I said are you okay?”

No.

Fuck-

I love you. “Y-yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I shut the voices in my head. “I’m just... tired.”

“Oh, okay.” Gerard raised an eyebrow as he scanned my face. “I don’t know. Your eyes look like you’ve been crying.”

“No.” Yes I have. “It’s just- just the allergies kicking in.”

He squinted now. “Didn’t know you had allergies.”

“Well, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Gerard.”

His squint deepened. “Are you sure? If there was something you’d tell me, right?”

“A-absolutely.”

Gerard didn’t seem convinced. I could understand that.

Then a ticking sound came.

Thank god.

The elevator was there.

I threw myself inside as soon as the doors slid open. Gerard joined me but I stayed in the back.
We didn’t say a word the whole time. Gerard was thoughtful, I could see that. He did the usual, peering at me as he chewed his lips. I smiled at him, briefly… poorly. He didn’t smile back.

We joined the rest of the band. They were all together outside, laughing and messing around in the parking lot. The evening sun was back, full of promises, but my heart was low.

I wrapped my arms around myself but Gerard didn’t leave my side. As if he didn’t want to. I could feel it. And for a second I almost thought he’d put his arm around me, but he didn’t. Perhaps he tried, though.

“So? Where to?” Ray asked as we all regrouped in a sloppy circle. “There’s this pub across the street that looks pretty rad.”

“Yeah man! They totally blasted some Iggy Pop earlier.” Frank replied. “Gee? You down? Shots are on me.”

“No.” Gerard stated firmly. “I can’t, sorry. Mia’s leaving tonight and I promised her an interview.”

Bob laughed.

“What?” Gerard snapped.

The drummer shook his head. “I just... I never thought I’d live to see this day... Gerard Way refusing free shots.”

Gerard shrugged, sniffing. “People change...”

I almost looked at him but I didn’t dare.

“Alright then! Let’s go get trashed!” Frank announced as he clapped his hands. “That damn radio show made me thirsty! Enjoy your night you two!” He wandered off in the distance as the rest of the band followed him.

But Mikey lingered, handing Gerard a set of keys. “There- take my car. I’ll get home with Ray. I’m so proud of you, y’know? You did amazing today.”

He really did.

“Thanks, Mikey.” Gerard halfway smiled.

Mikey winked and disappeared. I dimly had the time to tell him goodbye when all suddenly, we were alone again. Me and Gerard. Completely alone. If not for the busy street that drifted away, noisily, into our ears.

Then there’s just this moment when we look at each other, maybe blushing, as if to figure out what to do with ourselves.

“Hum...” His smile was unsure. “Seems like it’s just you and me again.”

“Yeah…” I was totally blushing now. “Again.”

Gerard stepped closer. “Are you leaving?” He tried to grab my hand but I moved it just in time. “I mean- now. Are you leaving now?”

I barely stepped back. He sounded so sad again and it crushed me. “N-no. Not now. But soon. I have to.” Literally, I had no idea.

“Okay.” Gerard frowned then scratched his head.

I didn’t say anything.

He sighed. “D’you wanna go home?”

I only nodded and walked towards Mikey’s car.

But… home.

Funny how he said it.

As if it was my home too.

*

I didn’t recognize the streets.

It was all the same, as always, just the road again. My old friend. The bright city lights reflected through the windshield but a night fog kept us from seeing too far ahead.

I glanced over to Gerard, who was driving intently. He looked a bit tired, as he always did, but there was something a bit more there that I just couldn’t place. His hands had a firm grip on the wheel, staring at them did things to me. Strange, but definitely nice things. God, I loved his hands.

I had to look away.

The radio was playing softly, just enough to fill the space that we so desperately couldn’t fill with words. My mind was a mess, though. Yeah, it was a car crash. All my thoughts were bumping against each other. Whether it was my damn train, which I really needed to take, or just thinking about how the hell I’d do an interview with Gerard in the state I was in. Every second by his side was killing me. Just his nearness now… it was unspeakable, all the feelings it stirred in me.

I knew I couldn’t take much more.

My heart was getting weaker now. I felt it. Oh... but poor Gerard, he was clueless to all of that, and it killed me even more. He probably thought I hated him, for all I know.

Perhaps it was better this way.

We pulled over Gerard’s street. The world was dead around here but all the houses became familiar. The car slowed down and we parked right in front of his house. Then all the engine shut down; the radio and the headlights. We just sat there, the both of us, in a contemplating silence. Gerard pulled the keys out. I wasted no time and made an attempt to get out.

“Mia-”

His voice stopped my motion. I completely froze.

I looked at him. “What?”

“I just-” He sighed. “I wanted to thank you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “For?”

“Coming with me today.”

“Oh.” I shrugged.

“And hum-” I noticed he was blushing now, playing with his hands. “I guess what I wanted to say is, i-it’s nice... knowing you’re real. And that you’re still around, knowing the real me.”

My heart leaped. I wished he hadn’t said that, oh really. Gerard just stared at me now. And I swear to god, maybe in some other dimension I would’ve kissed the life out of him. Oh hell I would’ve. His lips were just waiting for it. Fuck. But reality was different. I suddenly felt so angry, at myself, for having these feelings and not being able to act upon them. And at him, for telling me those things and being clueless and so damn adorable about it. I had to hurt him. So he would stop. So he would back away.

“I’ll always be around, Gerard.” I managed to mumble, shamefully looking away. “I signed a contract.” I pulled on the handle and got out of the car, leaving the door slam behind me as I hurried to the front door. The aftertaste of my lies still swam on my tongue. I couldn’t swallow it down.

“Lechowski!” Gerard howled from afar. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing!”

He groaned. “Stop doing that!” His voice followed me as I reached the house.

I stopped at the door, trying to open it. Shit. It was locked, of course. “What?”

“Just say what you mean to say.” I think he was right behind me now.

I said nothing.

“Please-” I heard him take a step.

“I-” I quivered. “I told you already. I’m tired.”

“No, there’s something else.” His tone lifted. “There’s something you’re not telling m-”

“Gerard, please!” I cut him painfully. “Just open the door.”

There was a long pause. My body stiffened and I wondered what he would do. But then, Gerard drew sad and exasperated breath. He brushed my side, tossing me a little to the left so he could access the lock. He then grabbed his keys, squinting through the darkness as his hair fell in front of his eyes. He messily fumbled with the handle until it clicked. The door opened on it’s own.

“Go on.” He tilted his head. “Get in.”

I walked past him and reached the staircase. But I didn’t hear him his footstep on the stairs when I went down, which meant he probably went for the kitchen. I shoved the thought away and entered his bedroom, not even bothered to turn on the lights.

I dreamt at the room for a while, just leaning against the wall, trembling and hating every part of it. It was so different here now. So neat and still. Oh, but our memories, they were still there. I could see them, feel them.

They haunted me.

Then I just… I knew.

I couldn’t stay there. No. It was fucking insane but I couldn’t, no matter how loud the voices in my head screamed.

Just do the interview and get on with it. You came here for that, you have to, it’ll only be a few hours, come on! Todd is waiting for you. Everyone’s waiting, Mia. You promised. You’re worthless.

Ugh.

But truth is, I couldn’t lie anymore. No. I couldn’t pretend and swallow as if everything was alright. Because nothing was alright. Every lie I had told in the last hours had totally destroyed me. And seeing the look on his face every time they hit him- that- it that the worst. I had to get away from him before making anything worse. I loved him but I hurt him. Gerard didn’t deserve it.

He was better off without me.

I pushed myself off the wall. I picked up my bag and started packing.

But the door opened.

The lights turn bright.

“Hey...” Gerard mumbled, voice strangely soft now. “I made some coffee upstairs, if you want some before the inter-” He stopped. “W-what are you doing?”

“Packing.”

“I don’t understand.” I heard him walk up to me. “Aren’t we supposed to do the interview?”

“You know what, Gerard?” I sighed. “I think we should do it some other time.” My bag was almost ready now. Just a quick zip and I could go. “I’ve been staying in this place for too long.”

“Well you’re the one who agreed to stay longer.”

“Yeah, because you begged me to, that’s why.” I didn’t mean that.

“I didn’t force you to do anything!”

I sighed. “Doesn’t matter.” I humped my bag over my shoulder and turned around. “I have to go.”

Gerard frowned, distraught.

My heart broke. “Goodbye, Gerard.” I rushed through the door.

“Mia!”

I ran down the dark basement, ignoring his call but his helpless voice tripped me as I ran. My heart was beating so fast. So fast. I finally reached the staircase and went up. I wasn’t thinking I just-

“Mia goddammit wait!” Gerard called again. I could tell he was running after me.

But I didn’t listen. I got to the front door, touching the iron knob at last.

“Mia please!” Gerard yelled, sounding much- much more close. “Please, don’t leave me like that.”

Fuck.

My hand froze.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” His voice trembled. “Did I do something wrong?”

No. No. You didn’t.

I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the door. It felt cold. It felt good. It felt like I could forget. Maybe.

“Answer me!” Gerard screamed and my blood stopped.

“N-no.” I breathed.

“So why’re acting like that?”

I squeezed my eyes tighter.

“Mia please-”

“Ugh-” I made. “I can’t do this anymore! Gerard, I can’t.”

“Do what?” He walked closer again. I heard it.

“I-I can’t.” My mouth throbbed. “Hold back.” I turned around, slowly. My bag slumped on the floor. “I can’t hold you back anymore.”

Gerard moaned, rushing towards me. “Then don’t.”

I glanced to the side. “You know I have to.”

“No, you don’t.” He cupped my cheek with a trembling hand and turned my head. “You don’t have to do anything. Stop running, stop pushing me.”

“B-but I’m lonely, Gerard.” I melted underneath his warmth. “That’s what I am I’ve- I’ve always been this way.”

“And I’m lonely too, Mia. I’m just like you.” He whispered, eyes searching for mine. “But if we’re lonely together, maybe we won’t be anymore.”

I tried not to cry. “But it’s all I’ve ever known.”

Gerard placed his other hand on my waist and I gasped. “Then let me show you.”

“Gerard you can’t just-”

My words got muffled into his mouth, turning into a moan. He was kissing me. Right there. Gerard was fucking kissing me and perhaps I died. His lips felt hard across mine, holding on for dear life as the back of my head got knocked against the door. I breathed heavily through my nose, feeling like not enough air could ever enter my lungs. My arms stiffened on my sides, my knuckles tensed. I couldn’t move them.

Gerard pressed further against me, biting my lip, teeth begging me to open my mouth. I whimpered against him. His fingers traveled between the cracks of my ribs. A nasty heat invaded me and before I could even process it- my jaw slacked down. Suddenly our tongues were making love, suddenly it was all happening and I didn’t fight back. He tasted so good- it frightened me, just as good as the first time, or even better. Our lips moved together in perfection unison, doing just the right movement that sent sparks across my brain. I couldn’t think anymore, the kiss swallowed them all; my thoughts, my doubts, my reasons.

All I could do was feel.

Feel him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and Gerard smiled against my lips, grabbing the back of my thighs as he lifted me up. I shrieked as my ankles hooked behind his back. He kissed me even deeper, moaning happily through the kiss. I tugged at his neck harder. I couldn't get enough. It was toxic.

Suddenly we’re moving.

I could tell he was carrying me somewhere.

Gerard was going down the stairs now, I think. Yeah, he was. I don’t know how he did it, though. Giving the fact that he was devouring my face, our teeth collided messily from the aftershock of the stairs, they creaked so loud under his feet. Those damn stairs.

I could smell the basement now, the scent invaded my nose. I dimly had the time to process where we were going when I heard a kick on a door.

I’m shoved against a wall, which one I didn’t know. My knees buckled as I landed on the ground. I gasped at the lost of touch. I couldn’t feel him anymore. God. I needed to feel him.

“Gerard-” I breathed.

“I’m here.” He came back and kissed me again. “I’m here Mia.”

“Don’t let me go.”

“I won’t.”

“Fuck-”

He moaned and pinned my wrists on the wall. His head fell in the crack of my neck. “I’m hard. I’m so hard.” He jerked his hips against my core. A keening noise slipped from my lips, drunk on how I was getting off on this.

I was about to explode.

Somehow losing my mind and doing nothing to stop it.

Nothing.

Gerard let go of my wrists, violently tugging at the hem of my shirt. He bit and sucked my neck, tongue wet and hot and cold all at the same. Then suddenly my shirt got ripped off. I shivered as the cool air hit my bare chest. I wasn’t wearing any bra.

Oh dammit.

A vivid panic took a hold of me. My breath hitched in my throat. Gerard noticed it and kissed me again. I mewled into his mouth, I melted to pieces, literally. His fingers cupped my breasts but he didn’t squeezed them like any other guy would’ve. No. He just... caressed them, so lightly, as if he was scared to touch me. His kiss got softer, too, I could feel him trembling.

I think he was scared.

Well, we both were, I think. Scared of this- of us. Of how we couldn’t stop, for everything we had ever retained was now coming to life. In this stupid bedroom. This stupid room I could never escape. My dead dreams were alive.

And maybe I’d hate myself forever for what I was about to do, maybe I’d regret it.

But I was ready to take the risk.

“Touch me-” My voice came out as desperate but I didn’t care. “Gerard touch me-”

He stopped kissing me. “Wait.” He panted, pressing his sweaty forehead against mine. “Lay- lay on the bed. I wanna see you.” He took a step back, just staring at me.

I instinctively hid my naked chest. He quickly glanced down. We were both blushing now, and it was strange. I walked past him, tip-toeing towards the bed box. Only the moon guided me as it shined through the small cavity of the window. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. I felt watched.

I crawled on top of the bed, arms and legs fluttering in unspeakable ways. I laid down on my back, arms still covering my breasts. Then I just waited. All of me was trembling, so hard. But my skin was burning, craving, asking for more.

I lifted my head to find Gerard. And... there he was... just standing at the edge of the bed like a figure in a nightmare. One I didn’t want to wake from.

“Don’t hide yourself.” He barely spoke. “Let me see you.”

I gulped, slowly spreading my arms on the bed as I revealed myself to him. I think his breath got caught in his throat. God. I felt so vulnerable like that. But it was… okay? Yeah. It was.

Gerard took his jacket off, then his shirt, never taking his eyes off me. I shivered as I understood. He jumped right on top of me.

“You’re beautiful, Mia.” He smiled, attacking my lips again. “You’re beautiful and you’re fucking sexy.”

I only mewled and grabbed his hair. Gerard moaned at the touch, sliding a hand under my thigh to pull our cores closer. I could feel him harden against me and a hot shock travelled through me.

We made out like that for what seemed like forever but probably never enough. Kissing him was the best thing in the world. The feeling of our skin, our naked chests, rubbing together, like we were so close, connected.

But I needed more.

“G-gerard, take me-” Was all I could whisper against his lips. “I want you to take me.”

Gerard growled, a needy growl, and I swallowed it. Shit. I couldn’t wait any longer. His hand tugged at the waistband of my pants, undoing the buttons, hurriedly. I weakly lifted my ass so he could pull them down. He dragged the denim off my legs, sliding his mouth down to my neck as he tugged hard. I gave a few kicks to get rid of the clothes.

Soon enough, my pants and underwear were nowhere to be seen.

My hands immediately found their way to his belt. Gerard got the cue and sat back on his knees. He finished opening his belt as I watched him. I blocked a laugh. It looked kinda difficult but he finally opened his pants. He shoved them down his thighs, messily, like a horny teenager with clumsy hands that couldn't work fast enough. Okay. Gerard was all naked now. Completely exposed to me. I shivered inwardly as he leaned back on top of me, slowly, capturing me with his warmth again.

"Do you feel me?" He asked, rubbing his leaking dick against my inner thigh. "What you do to me?"

I gasped, clutching the sheets not to die. “I do. I feel you.”

There was no time to waste.

I needed him.

Now.

But Gerard just stared at me for a while, so close to my face, creating a silence that made me realize how much I was trembling. He was trembling, too. His cheeks were all red and his black locks were falling on my face. Maybe he was waiting for something- I don't know. His eyes, they were hard to read, and it seems I was getting lost into them.

Gerard bit his lip, like he was about to do something. I still couldn’t read his expression, though.

But then- I felt his fingers dip in the heat of my core.

I gasped.

He sucked a breath in. “You're all wet. D'you want me to finger you?”

I shivered at his crude words, but they didn’t sound dirty, nor nasty. No. To me, they sounded beautiful, and... so raw. Especially with his voice, his freaking accent, the way it cracked.

“Gerard just- fuck- fuck me-” I urged him, going wild and twitching as he sunk his fingers a little deeper. I was almost ashamed for saying this but my animal instinct was stronger than my guilt. "I need- I need you inside me.”

"Aw fuck-" Gerard moaned whorishly at that and kissed me again. He fingered me a little longer but quickly removed his hand because I was whimpering.

I locked my arms around his neck to keep him close. His sticky sweat dripped on my face. My eyes were shut tight and my whole world was black.

I just waited for him to take me.

And he did.

Gerard pushed inside of me, his whole length. I cried a wicked cry and the tip of my head fell back on the mattress. It felt like my flesh had been ripped apart. It had been so long. So damn long. And he was so damn hard and warm, filling me up. It made me remember how good it felt, to have someone inside you, down there, against the pink- sensitive skin. Someone you loved, especially. It was chaotic.

Mind blowing.

I wrapped my legs around him as he builded a rhythm.

“Ah-” Gerard moaned, fucking into me slowly. His voice sounded broken, his breath was shuddering in steady little groans.

Then suddenly his mouth was everywhere on my skin, my neck, my collarbones, my breasts.

Fuck.

I don’t know.

His mouth was just- everywhere.

A knot started forming in the pit of my stomach, making my toes curl. It felt so damn good and I couldn’t stop gasping. The tip of my head sunk deeper in the mattress each time he pounded into me.

I opened my eyes but only misty images came into view. Or perhaps I saw the moon through the window. Yeah...the moon was watching me, watching us. It’s weird but- I felt like the moon was me, from the past, just lurking at the both of us from high up above as we sinned within each other.

My eyes watered.

Gerard thrusted against a particular spot and it felt so good. I cried out, gripping his black hair now. We stared at each other.

“Right there?” Gerard said, repeating the same movement with his hips. “Right there baby?”

“Uh-huh.”

He trapped his bottom lip between his teeth. “Mmh-” Then he kissed me hard through the growing pleasure. He swirled his tongue all around mine, so damn obscenely.

I couldn’t believe we were making love. I couldn’t believe we were having sex like that. I tried running away and there I was- naked in his bed, bathing in sin and sweat and sheets, doing the exact thing I should never do.

And then it happened.

The explosion.

My apocalypse.

My hands wandered to his back, nails clawing at his skin and he gasped breathlessly against my mouth. At first, it’s like I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream his name and tell him that I loved him. Ugh, but I didn’t, I couldn’t.

“G-gerard-” I sobbed out. “Gerard you feel so fucking good-”

He just moaned in response, a broken moan, head falling to bit my earlobe as he fucked me passionately.

Then talking was too much, or even thinking, for that matter. It was all too much because I lost my breath. I saw bright lights. My stomach was buzzing, heating up in flames, sending shocks to all my extremities. Even my back ached from rutting up against the mattress but I loved it.

I had never felt like this.

Ever.

I was about to lose it.

Right there.

Gerard was so close, too. I think. His groans echoed through my ears, getting muffled in my neck. He was losing his coordination. His hips pounded into me, faster but messier, as if he was chasing something.

The slap of skin and fast breathing was the only thing left.

We both climaxed at the same time.

He suddenly hugged me, wrapping his whole arms around my body. It barely lifted me up but I clung my arms around his neck, desperately. It’s like we wanted to merge ourselves together, as if we were one. A heavenly bliss rippled through us and we cried out.We couldn’t move. We just...stayed like that, in the moment... until everything faded.

He collapsed on top of me, sighing. I closed my eyes. His dick was still inside me, though. It was all sticky down there, swollen. I vaguely realized he wasn’t wearing any condom. Fuck. But I was too tired to care, I still needed to catch my breath, and my senses. We were all wet, wet from each other.

Gerard rolled off of me after a minute, or two, only to tug me in the curve of his stomach. I just let him, and he hummed, barely awake I guess. My body was so limp. I was still unable to process everything that just happened. I couldn’t even feel my heart anymore. I had drugged it up the second he kissed me. Even my conscience. Everything was muted.

On hold.


*

When I woke up I felt… strangely calm?

Yeah, I guess so.

Or...maybe drowsy. Yeah, drowsy would be the right word.

But not for long.

I thought I was dreaming. Gerard was all up against me, keeping me close in the nest of his warmth. We were spooning, actually spooning. His hand was planted in the gap of my thighs and I just held it there. A drunken haze still paralyzed me, though, it was hard to move. My eyes struggled to blink, darkness was there. Always. No matter if I’d closed or opened them.

But then he sighed.

And something just… clicked.

Oh jeez. My heart flustered in a thousand pieces as I realized what we just did. I sat straight up on the edge bed, doing my best not to wake him up as I moved. I glanced at him. Gerard just groaned in his sleep, arms unconsciously searching for me in the new emptiness. I blushed. He was naked, so damn naked, like me.

But damn.

How beautiful he was. That- it was impossible.

He was beautiful and sexy and I wanted to stay with him. Wake him up with kisses, tell him how amazing he was to me, how good he just made me feel. Then he would just smile at me, his lazy, bashful smile. Then kiss me again, I’d hope, maybe forever, and I’d forget everything.

Again.

Oh, but I couldn’t. New York was calling for me. Everyone.

I grabbed my head with both of my hands, trying to figure out what to do next. I needed to take a train and leave before he would wake up. I couldn’t live with myself if he looked at me. I would just...stay there...stay there and lose it all again.

I messed around the room, blindly searching for my clothes. I finally did. I got dressed in the dark, grimacing when I slipped inside the dirty fabric. Oh well, I had no other choice. My shirt was ripped in two. Thanks to Gerard. I tied a knot in the middle with both ends. Then I searched for a piece of paper and a pencil, blinking around the room. My pulse was racing.

I found some old paper in his trashcan and a pencil on the floor. It was hard to write with a hand like mine, at this hour, especially. God knows what time it was.

Anyway.

Once I was finished, I placed the paper on the pillow beside him. I stared at him longer than I should. Leaving him was hard, it was the hardest thing I’d ever done and it made my heart cry. I shook my head and kissed him goodbye, on the cheek.

I really had to go.

*

Outside, the night was coming to an end. The sun was peeking shyly-right there- in the blue horizon of Belleville. Everyone was asleep except me. It was all me again. Just me. My steps resonated across the street as I walked away. I knew that life would go on but would never be the same again.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the 3 words I wrote on the paper.

‘I hate goodbyes.’

Notes

I... don't know what to say?