you swallow me, I’m the pill on your tongue

*

We were quiet for a while. We didn’t need to talk, or think. It was just us and the rain, nothing else.

The floor of the cabin was cold, moist, even the walls were falling apart, water escaped through the cracks. But it didn’t matter to us, because we were warm and the stupid forest was green, green like the summer, like it’s supposed to be in those innocent times.

Gerard breathed slowly beneath me, making me leap up and down at the work of his lungs. He was sleeping, I think, or daydreaming. One of his hand was lost in the wisps of my hair, tugging at the strands and his grip was tight - it told me to stay. But maybe he didn't know I never wanted to leave. That the stillness of this moment was all I ever wanted. Both of my arms were wrapped around him, I was ripped from all shame.

This was so new to us, but strangely, the way we held each other - it's like it was our last time, as if something was about to separate us and we weren't ready.

I dared to close my eyes.

I dared to let go.

Maybe it could last forever if I tried.

*

“Mia”

I heard his voice.

It was a soft echo, it danced in my head, so, so quietly. My eyes were shut tight. Black was all I could see. Was I dreaming? Hm, I couldn’t tell yet. My body was all relaxed, I’m not use to it.

“Mia wake up”

Again… he said my name.

But it sounded clearer this time - louder. It vibrated so close to my ear, I even felt warmth on my scalp. Then my eyelids started moving, barely blinking. The daylight poked at my irises like thin fluorescent jolts, sending shivers all across my mind. Okay I... I wasn’t dreaming, no. I was waking up. Gerard was still under me, his hands hadn’t move, neither did my arms. We were in that freaking cabin again, bodies entwined together, all alone.

I yawned and mewled, face completely pressed against Gerard’s chest. My hot breath had heated the fabric and left a wet spot, just above his heart.

“The rain has stopped Mia.”

“Eh?” I made, slightly angling my vision to look at the woods.

And he was right - the rain - it was finally gone, and so was the thunder. Only a few raindrops trickled down the edges of the roof now. Even the soil seemed to be breathing again, the air was fresh and cool. It was a rebirth of the wild, and it smelled so good.

I took a deep breath, waking up as cries of distant bird drifted to me.

Gerard was quiet though. I peered at him through the corner of my eyes, not daring to lift my head because I knew we’d be way too close. But he was thinking, yeah, he wore his thinking face. I could barely see it, but I could feel it. His gaze was lost into... something?…Yeah, something. I don’t know what it was. I guess he must’ve been awake for a while.

“What are you thinking about?” I mumbled.

He didn’t flinch, it’s like his thoughts held him still, his head was in the clouds.

I shook him lightly. “Gee…tell me.”

He drew a sad breath. “Just- this world you know…”

I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t, so I shook him again. “What about it?”

He sighed again. “It used to be a bigger place...”

I squinted, processing his existentialist words for a second. I just lifted my head without thinking, forgetting how dangerously close it brought our faces. Gerard just gawked at me, surprised from my bold move.

“But…” I started. “The world is still big Gerard… Only now there’s less in it.”

Gerard didn’t say anything back and his eyebrows furrowed. Then his eyes travelled everywhere on my face. Ugh. It was that damn expression again, the one I could never guess.

I shook my head. “What?”

But Gerard just kept on staring, biting his lip now.

My gaze tensed.

“It’s just...” He finally rasped. “You have no idea how much I wanna kiss you right now.”

Fuck.

My breath hitched in my throat, but soon after I frowned, realizing how silly I was to get this close. I sat straight up, looking away from him. My body protested at the lost of touch but I ignored it. Why would he say that? Why?

A weird silence filled the cabin.

“I...I think we should get back...” I whispered shakily.

Gerard sighed behind me. “I know I shouldn’t have said that.”

I shut my eyes tightly, unable to form a proper sentence. The fears I had buried were coming back to me. Everything was spinning in my head. It was because of his words. His gorgeous, fucking words. I thought I was fine for a while, yeah, I really thought I was! But he had to open his damn mouth again and spoil it all.

Ugh.

I could taste the guilts now, they were in throat, they were bitter.

Look, I know we cuddled okay? I know we got close, closer than we should. And maybe I was stupid for letting that happen. But bare with me, fighting against your own heart is hard alright? And maybe for a minute, maybe I just wanted to listen to it.

But kissing him? Kissing him was like suicide.

Gerard waited for me to speak, but he eventually gave up and got on his feet. He just stepped outside.

“Gerard!” I cried out.

He swayed around, eyes concerned, ready to take anything I had to give him.

“I-I…I’m so sorry that I can’t-” My words got stuck.

“It’s okay Mia...” He sniffed as he put his hand in his pocket. “I understand.”

I frowned, confused. “You do?”

“Yeah...” He shrugged. “With you, it’s just like that.”

His words punctured my insides. “Ugh fuck Gee…”

“Nah, don’t pity me, I’m fine.” He then trailed off to the woods in a vague way. “Let’s just go home Mia.”

Oh and I swear at that moment, I wanted to punch myself in the guts.

Gerard pretended like he was okay, but he wasn’t at all. I could hear it, feel it, taste it. It was about the way his body just turned away from me, like he was powerless, but accepted it. Also his voice, it didn’t scratch me the same way. It was too mellow, too fragile, something was missing. And apparently, I was the one who took that something away.

I swallowed painfully and nodded, reaching his side.

We simply left the cabin where it was, with the trees, the cracks and the mud. But I think a part of us was still trapped in between the walls. Maybe it’s because we chose to leave it there, so we’d always remember that one time - this one time - we were free together, as all we could ever hear, was the sweet sound of ignorance.

I reluctantly walked away, watching the cabin getting smaller and blurrier as me and Gerard wandered the woods again, until I couldn’t see it anymore.

The cabin was gone. Our moment was gone.

We took the same path as we did hours before. Only now, I could actually see where we were heading. The sun was back, illuminating the mud at our feet, it was slippery too. Gerard still led the way but this time, his pace was calm and posed, making sure I could follow behind.

We walked silently though, we had nothing to say.

We both stopped moving when we reached the giant bush again - the one we rushed through - hours ago. I tilted on my feet, unsure, it was very intimidating.

Gerard noticed my panic and smiled reassuringly. “Hey it’s okay, it won’t be long I promise.” He tossed the branches to the side, creating a tiny space for us to enter. “Come”

I nodded, hesitant.

Gerard entered first as he kept on pushing the branches. I quickly got the message and did the same as I followed. A fews branches spanked my hips, but it wasn’t so bad. We were trapped in a mayhem of spikes, I had to squint. I couldn’t see much except Gerard’s jacket in front of me.

Then he came to a halt.

Something was going on.

“What is it?” I panted in the pool of foliage.

“Just- do like me kay?”

“Do what?”

“This!” He yawped as he punctured through the last series of branches that blocked him the way. But those branches, they were much bigger. Oh fuck. They were like needles, they were everywhere.

I was still stuck in the bush.

Gerard was out.

I couldn’t see him.

“Come on Mia, just go for it! Just run!” He yelled from the other side.

“Uhh- okay!” And with that, I blocked my face with my arms and rushed through the heap. I felt pressure on my body as I moved, the satanic branches didn’t want me out, it seemed.

But then I was free.

The branches were gone.

In fact... everything was gone, there was nothing to hold on to.

Oh dammit.

The momentum of my burst played against me. I was tripping now, I was falling, diving head first in a big puddle of mud until-

Until Gerard grabbed me.

I felt his grip on my jacket, it suspended me. I blinked around the vacant space, baffled, as if I was flying or something.

He then straightened me up in a sharp, backward swing. “Wasn’t too bad now was it?”

I flushed as I caught him smirk. “Uh- No...”

“Would’ve been nice though.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Nice what?”

“Letting you fall.” He smirked even more. “In the mud.”

“Ugh shut up!” I jabbed his shoulder, unintentionally roughly.

“Whoa calm down!” He giggled as he rubbed the sensitive spot. “I was just fantasizing!”

I crossed my arms. “Yeah right.”

He shook his head. “Fucking Lechowski.”

I fought a grin by biting my lip, happy to see my old Gerard back. “Fucking Way.”

Gerard rolled his eyes but he was enjoying himself. “Alright, let’s keep going.” He gestured me to follow. “At this rate it’ll be winter time.”

I squinted at what he said and joined his pace. “Think that was an overstatement...”

“Not entirely.”

“Gerard… winter’s in 6 months.”

“Yeah, but we’re lagging.” I could tell from his tone that he wasn’t serious.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. Gerard caught a glimpse of it and smiled a little smile, but it was meant to be hidden from me.

Then came the damn tunnel again.

Our feet stopped abruptly. Gerard looked at me, I nodded in approval.

We both scrunched down and ran through it, not wanting to waste anymore minute in this hell pit. Plus it smelled so horrible in there. I had to be really careful because it was full of water, thanks to the rain. Our feet splashed in the damped and putrefied liquid, finally reaching the other side.

“Ugh- fucking gross.” I whined as I stepped on the grass.

His eyes dwelled upon me but he kept on walking. “Yeah- gets even worse sometimes.”

I shook my head and followed, not wanting to imagine what wonders Gerard must’ve found in that tunnel.

We skipped through the same trees, the same flowers, the birds and the bees. Nothing had changed here, like an old friend you meet again. But in our heads, it was a total different game - a different world even. So much had happened between us since this morning. Well, since yesterday to be honest. But those shifts, those changes, they scared me, they scared me so much. I didn’t know where we were heading. I didn’t know what we were, what we weren’t. I literally felt like I was stuck, trying to live my life, trying to run from it. Because what I wanted, I could not have. And now my poor heart ached, thinking we could’ve kissed again.

I’m sure he would’ve tasted like rain.

“Almost there!”

Gerard’s voice snapped me back. The iron fence was visible in the distance. “Oh uh, yeah.” I shrugged, still caught up in the race of my thoughts.

We made the last stretch in complete silence.

Gerard glanced at me a couple of times, though. He would just tilt his head back so it wasn’t obvious, but I could see him anyway. He wasn’t very subtle, to be honest. The first time, he seemed okay. But the second time, his face was unsure. Then the third time, he looked worried, he chewed on his bottom lip and his eyes twitched - those little things he does.

Okay, he totally noticed something was wrong with me. Oh dammit. I really needed to get a hold of myself. This guy, he could see everything! He could see right through me, always...

Gerard stopped at the gate and waited for me, leaning on it. I faked a smile as I closed the space between us. But he wasn’t buying it.

“You okay?”

“Yeah yeah, can we just like-” I panted on the spot. “Go now?”

He cocked an eyebrow, but then he shrugged and pushed on the fence. I hissed at the sound. Gerard was holding the door for me, not moving. But I didn’t get it. But then he shook his head and hummed. Then I got it.

“Oh uh, s-sorry. I-I mean thanks.” I blushed in shame but still managed to cross. Look, I’m not used to... gentlemen okay? Or whatever the hell that really cute thing was. Don’t hate.

As soon as Gerard closed the door, I took it as a cue to hop on the sidewalk. I just watched the cars go by, coming back to reality - the real world - at last. The vehicles flashed before my eyes, they were a lot of them and their engine sounds violated my ears.

I was too concentrated on the busy street when Gerard reached my side.

He slightly bumped into me, but he did it on purpose, I am sure of it. And…. his hand, his hand brushed mine. I gasped inwardly as I glared at him, moving my hand away from instinct.

But Gerard just gripped it again.

He didn’t look at me though, he watched the cars go by with a concentrated look on his face, pretending like nothing was happening. His head darted back and forth.

I frowned. “Uh Gerard...what are you doing?”

He shrugged. “Nothing.”

I sighed. “Gerard… you’re holding my hand.”

“Oh! That.” He exclaimed as he looked at me, all innocently. “Oh well, dunno. Just wanted to try...”

My frown deepened. He was messing with me. He was.

Gerard bit his lip into a soft smirk. “Let’s go home Mia.”

*

Interviewing Gerard Way (second attempt)

The whole time.

The whole fucking time on the street.

We didn’t say a damn word.

Oh but the silence, it was so loud.

Our hands were locked together - it is all we could think about.

Seriously, I don’t know why the hell Gerard decided to take my hand that day. It was risky and he knew it. We looked like 2 awkward teenagers who never known any better. Our pace was quick, gawky, and not romantic at all. Plus he’d always check on me, tryna be all subtle with his big brown eyes. But it wasn’t working, I caught him every time and he snapped away as soon as I turned my head.

To my own relief, our hands parted ways when we reached the house. Gerard grabbed his keys and battled with the lock for a while, cursing tiny slurs under his breath. I laughed secretly.

The house was empty when we entered.

Gerard suspended himself on the doorway and kicked his shoes off carelessly.

“Where are your parents?” I asked as I blinked around.

“Huh, dunno.” He shrugged and took off his jacket. “Out of state or something.”

I squinted, intrigued. “Oh- they didn’t tell you?”

“Nop”

I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall. “And Mikey?”

Gerard sighed, placing his hands on his hips. “Dunno either.”

“Oh… do you think he’ll come back soon?”

“Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know.”

“And how’s that?”

“Ugh because Mia!” His eyes flared at me. “I didn’t ask him!”

“Geez alright...” I barely frowned. “I was just wondering…”

“Yeah...” He snorted. “You do that a lot you.”

I short laugh escaped my mouth.

Gerard smirked teasingly. But then his eyebrows furrowed, something else was on his mind. “Speaking of parents… I really think you should call yours, they must be worried by now.”

I only twitched.

“Mia…” His gaze dwelled upon me. “You ran off in the middle of the night.”

“Y-yeah but-” I stuttered. “I don’t wanna think about it.”

He sighed again. “Jesus Lechowski! You can’t always run away...” He stepped closer, almost sandwiching me between the wall. “It’s not fair for them, they deserve to know you’re safe.”

I melted in the tiny space. “B-but... but I don’t want to Gee.”

“Mia...” He started, voice way too low and eyes way too serious. “If you don’t do it, I’ll have to kick you out.”

I glared at him. “What?”

He opened the door in a flash, keeping his eyes on me, leaning closer. “I swear I’ll do it.”

Oh dammit. I knew Gerard would totally do it. He was stubborn as hell. “Ugh fuck- Okay okay! I’ll call them. But later alright?”

Gerard studied me for a second, then slammed the door and sighed. “Fine. But don’t think I’ll forget it. Your wits don’t work on me.” He sassed then turned around, heading straight towards the kitchen. “Hungry?”

I didn’t realize how fast my heart was beating until he pulled off. “Uh- no thanks, I’m good. I’ll catch you downstairs.”

I heard Gerard muffle something like a ‘kay’ as I rushed down the basement.

I jumped on the squeaky mattress the second I entered his room; the messy cavern. I just laid on my back, hands behind my head as I contemplated the grey ceiling.

I swear I was so exhausted.

Spending this much time with Gerard had drained me. Yeah, it had drained me physically and mentally. Everything was just so intense all the time. Arguing and making up, smiling then raging, crying or apologizing. Ugh. We were such a breach.

My eyes were about to close when I heard the melody of my ringtone. The sound came from the other side of the room - from my bag. My heart jumped, already anticipating who could that be. Maybe it was my parents, looking for explanations. Or maybe it was Suko? Or maybe it was James? Shit fuck. Why was I so nervous?

I hoped on my feet and got a hold of my bag, searching through the pockets roughly, until finding my phone. I flipped it opened and took a deep breath.

“H-hello?”

“Mia! Mia it’s Todd.”

Shit. Of course it was him. “Oh hi Todd!” I faked that one pretty well.

“Where have you been Mia? I’ve been waiting for your call all week!” Dammit. I didn’t like his tone. But what could I tell him? I shouldn’t even be here!

“I hum well..” I gulped. “I-I, I’m in Jersey right now, with my parents.”

“Oh is that so? Well, I would’ve appreciated if you had told me. You haven’t given any news since Kansas Mia, I was worried.”

I grabbed my forehead. “Argh yeah, yeah I know, I’m really sorry Todd. I swear I wanted to call you today.”

He laughed in disbelief. “Hey it’s alright, no need to beat yourself up. But you have to keep me updated Mia, that’s really important. We’re all counting on you here.”

I cringed. “Ugh I know, I know and I’m sorry. ”

“But anyway, that’s not why I called...” Todd said, it seemed like he was outside because I could hear his quick footsteps and the busy street in the background. “I need you at the office in 2 days. You and me have a lot to discuss and I want to look at your work before the tour starts again----Oops, excuse me madam!---Oh sure no problem, have a good day!--- Heh, sorry ‘bout that. So yeah, like I said, I need you in Soho Mia, we want the scoops!”

I gulped. “Uh yeah, y-yeah Todd of course.”

He laughed again. “Oh, I can’t wait to get my hands on that juice! Especially ‘bout that singer Way!” Oh dammit.

“Hehh-” I giggled dryly but my face turned pale.

“Alright Lechowski, call me when you get back okay? And this time, you better not forget.”

“I won’t Todd, I promise. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“I’m taking your word on it, see ya.”

“Bye.”

I hung up and shoved my phone in my bag again, moaning in relief and sighing in despair. Todd was waiting for me, he was, hungry like a lion and eager to hear my scoops! But truth is, I had nothing on Gerard, zero, niet, nada. It's like I couldn't work with this guy, nor concentrate.
And now to top it off, there I was, hiding from the real world in Belleville and lying to everyone about it - blatantly. Ugh.

Okay. I needed to get back on track. I needed that interview with Gerard and wouldn't leave until I had it. It was my only hope, my only shot. Otherwise I'd lose all credibility. This job, it was my whole future, my whole existence.

I simply crawled back to Gerard’s bed, crashing on it like an old rag, fed up with my life.

Gerard eventually came back, maybe one hour later. And I don’t know what he did upstairs, but he didn’t look sober anymore.

He leaned against the doorway, observing suspiciously me as I mourned on his bed.

I lifted my head - he entered the room. He was holding a beer and a box of cereal. He just bumped his head at me and threw it on the bed. And of course, the box totally landed on me.

I hissed.

“There, if you’re hungry.” He muttered.

“Hum... thanks.” I said, grateful for the thought, but startled by the lack of delicacy. I grabbed the cardboard box to have a good look at it, the edges were all ripped off. It was a random brand I’ve never seen before, some sort of crunchy marshmallow cookies with raisins, it didn’t look good.

Gerard stormed around the room lazily, unsure of what to do now. He turned the radio on, battling with the switch until finding a proper station that didn’t chirp. Some weird tropical music started playing, I thought he’d change it, but he didn’t. He almost seemed to enjoy it. Then, he dropped his butt on the floor. Opening his beer cap first, he chugged a large fucking amount of the cold liquid like his life depended on it. I was baffled, yet fascinated to see him go.

I felt a bit out of place on his bed so I decided to join him. I sat on the ground, hugging my legs.

Gerard eventually finished his ungraceful sip, slightly out of breath as he exhaled loudly. “So, what d’you wanna do now?” He wiped his mouth carelessly, smearing beer on his chin.

My eyebrows narrowed. “Hum, I haven’t decided yet...” Truth is, I needed the interview, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. He was drunk, and drunk Gerard was… something else.

“Well...” Gerard grinned as he laid back on the floor cozily. “There’s plenty of things we could do...”

I raised an eyebrow.

“We could wash the dirt…” He sniffled loudly. “Or we could lay in it...”

I squinted. His tone was suggestive as hell.

“Or we could do nothing...” He murmured, barely licking his lip as he checked me out. “...if you want to.”

Fuck. Why was he acting like that again? I couldn’t play games anymore, I couldn’t let myself be seduced again. I had to remember the reason why I was here - and stick to it.

“Gerard stop... We have to do the interview.”

His face tensed up in a flash. “Oh...Uh yeah.” He sniffled again. “I-I...I guess we could do that...” He shifted his butt on the floor, clearly unpleased with the turn of events.

“What?” I laughed, crawling closer to his laid figure. His face was just below mine now, but since I was sitting up, the distance was safe. “You don’t want to?”

He frowned. “N-no, no it’s not that. It’s just-” He paused to bit his lip. “I know I’ll have to open up to you a-and…”

“And…?”

Gerard didn’t say anything back, he just stared at me some more, eyes helpless as the words wouldn’t come out.

I sighed. “Gerard, you’ve done this so many times before…”

“Yeah but-” He finally rasped. “With you it’s different.”

My heart hammered in my chest. “But Gee, you promised me.”

He sighed. “Yeah, yeah okay.”

I grinned widely. “Great! Hum, so- just relax okay? I mean, I’m just gonna ask you a couple of questions. It won’t be tricky or anything, and if you’re uncomfortable with something, just tell me okay?”

Gerard nodded.

“Alright. Uh, wait a second-” I said as I looked for my tape in my jacket. Finally getting a hold of it, I angled the microphone towards my mouth. “Okay, you ready?”

“I’m ready when you are…” Gerard smirked, placing his hands under his head. “...professional lady.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ugh Gerard, stop calling me that. We have to be serious here.”

He snorted. “Sorry.” He licked his lip.

I shook my head and pressed on the record button, clearing my throat. “So, Gerard W-”

“You look really professional like that you know, with your little tape.” He cut me, checking me out as he totally ignored the recording.

I blushed but groaned. “Dammit Gerard stop!”

But he only smirked, enjoying my torment.

That's it. That was it for me. I just grabbed a pillow from the floor and shoved it in his smug little face.

Gerard whimpered, caught off guard. He fought against my grip, growling now, but his struggling sounds were muffled by the fabric.

After a few tenacious attempts, he finally succeeded and yanked the pillow away, throwing it in my face without any mercy. I laughed uncontrollably and tried to skirt from it. But then- I felt pressure on my arms, both of them, like a sharp tug, dragging me down. I squeaked so loud as I landed on my back, on the damn floor again.

I saw my tape recorder flying across the room as it crashed against the wall.

And before I even knew, Gerard was on top of me, pinning me down like a wild panther on it's prey. And I couldn’t move, at all.

I panted, glaring at him in complete shock. “Gerard- w-what are you doing?”

He just stared at me deeply, breathing heavily as his dark hair fell on my face.

“If we don’t kiss.... does that make it okay?” He breathed.

I squinted. “W-what are you talking about?”

“I said Mia...” He murmured, way too slowly. “If I don’t kiss you… can I touch you?”

I moaned against my will. “Uh G-gerard! N-no...We have- we have to do the interview-”

Gerard sucked a long breath between his teeth, taking me in as he stared at me sinfully. "Oh I know..." He whispered. "But I can't concentrate-" He then bit his lip, grinding his hips into me. "Mmhh"

“Oh god Gerah-”



“Hey guys!” A familiar voice came from behind, making the both of us jolt in total panic.

Gerard immediately let go of me and I sat straight up, my pulse was racing in my throat.

“Oh, h-hi Mikey!” Gerard babbled.

Shit.

Notes

I don't know why these 2 always end up on the floor