There was this secret in our throats.

Right here, right there.

In this black hole he called a room.

I couldn’t swallow properly, the air was thick and heavy. My palms were getting sweaty and sticky and even more so with each passing seconds. I just slid my butt across the floor, distancing myself from Gerard some more as he twitched nervously on his own.

“Whoa Mia! What are you doing here?” Mikey exclaimed as he spotted me, he stood in the doorway, crossing his arms.

“Uuh- j-just-” I stuttered, I could feel Gerard’s eyes on me. “Interviewing your brother.”

Mikey coked an eyebrow. “Oh, so he’s got the VIP treatment or what?”

I flushed. “Uh? No! No of course n-”

“I’m the one who invited her Mikey.” Gerard objected.

Mikey’s eyes widened. “Oh…”

“I promised I’d give her an interview but we didn’t have time on tour so… I told her to come here instead.” Gerard explained calmly, despise the red on his cheeks, or his wild hair that screamed like nothing but sex.

“Oh, okay.” Mikey nodded slowly, still not convinced though. He examined me and Gerard for a while, eyes flickering between our guilty faces.

I simply stared back, trying to look normal as I hid in the corner. Gerard on the other hand, kept a straight face. But I think the choked noises he emitted gave it all away.

Wow.

I swear.

We couldn’t look more suspicious than that. But this would’ve never happened if Gerard didn’t have the brilliant idea to dry hump me on the floor. Ugh. We were supposed to do the interview for christ sake, be professional for once! N-not... humping the shit out of each other.

Damn him.

Damn him and his drunken ways.

Thankfully, after observing us for a while, Mikey cleared his throat and smiled. “Anyway, guess I’ll leave you two then. Sorry for interrupting your... hard work.” He winked as he turned around to leave.

Okay, he totally knew what happened.

Gerard responded with a dry laugh, and so did I. Then as soon as Mikey was gone, Gerard swiveled his head. He looked at me. I looked back, speechless.

He blinked. “Um, sorry for… y’know...”

I squinted.

“...jumping on you and stuff.” He swallowed. “But I’m sure Mikey won’t tell, he’s not like that I swear.”

I shrugged. “Whatever...”

“Oh and by the way Gerard!”

We then heard from the basement.

It was Mikey again.

He was back in the doorway. “Brian just called. He said the radio show is tomorrow at 5pm, so make sure to stay sober, we fucking need you there.”

Gerard nodded gingerly. “Uh yeah, yeah of course Mikey. Don’t worry about that.”

“Wish I wouldn’t...” He shot coldly, eyes dwelling upon his brother, and then, he disappeared.

Silence.

That’s all there was after that.

Mikey was gone.

For good.

I was all alone with Gerard again. But he wasn’t looking at me. No. He was… staring at the floor? Or the junk... Argh, I don’t know. But he wasn’t moving, not even flinching. I almost thought he wasn’t breathing for a second. Obviously he was, though something had happened in his mind. Something had switched, something dark. I could feel it- his misery. I could always feel it - feel him. In every pore of my skin.

Gerard was biting his nails now.

I hesitated before speaking. His stillness, it had me tormented. “Huh… Ger-” Fuck. My words got stuck. I took a deep breath. “Gerard what’s wrong?”

He only shrugged lazily. I scooted closer to him. He noticed my nearness with a quick glance, then sighed heavily. “You heard him...”

I frowned, not knowing what to do, or say. “Well he’s your brother Gerard. He just cares about you.”

“Ugh stop Mia. I’m not stupid okay?” His voice raised slightly. “I know I have a problem. I’m… I’m an addict.” Gerard stared at his beer that hung loosely in his right palm, and his eyes were dead.

“Well, I think-” I gulped. “I think the first step is to recognize that you have a problem...”

Gerard frowned.

“And... if this is what you’re doing right now, well, that’s a good thing Gee...”

He groaned. “I already know I have a problem Mia, that’s why I drink.”

“Well that’s fucking dumb Gerard.”

He scowled harshly at that.

“You drink to forget, I know this, since the day we met...” I continued. “But you can’t forget what’s part of you, even if it hurts. It won’t go away.. not like that.”

Gerard didn’t say anything back. But his defensive cast suddenly faded, leaving place to a sad and vulnerably cracked expression; one I knew too damn well, one that made my heart explode.

“You need to kill it Gee… before it kills you.”

He shut his eyes. “I’m already dead.”

“No!” I yawped without wanting it - Gerard opened his eyes again. “Stop saying that, you’re not dead. You’re alive Gerard, and you’re here... you’re here with me.” I barely dared to touch his cold hand.

His mouth throbbed. “But I-I-” He stopped, then growled, rubbing messy hands all over his face. “Ugh- I don’t know what to do...”

“Throw it away.”

He glared at me. “Wha?”

“I said throw the beer away.”

“Mia I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” I grabbed his hand this time.

His eyebrows narrowed at the sight.

“Gerard, this thing, it’s eating your soul. Look what it does to you...”

He frowned even more.

“Just do it Gee. Throw the damn thing away.”

“I can’t.”

“But why?”

“B-because…” He already hated the words he was about to say “...It scares me.”

I swallowed thickly. “I know it does Gee. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”

Gerard wondered and his breath got louder, it sounded like fear. It was fear. It was the fear of surrender - or himself. But then it all stopped.

He looked at me, he seemed empty now. “You’re… you’re right.”

I barely had the time to smile when he was already out of my sight.

I blinked at the now vacant space- Gerard was gone. All I could see was a black - probably dirty - pair of boxer drowning in a sea of cluster. But I could hear his footsteps in the other room. I shook my head and got on my feet, following him to the main room.

Gerard was in the bathroom now. The door was opened wide - I heard water. I made my way to the wooden frame and leaned against it, peeking an eye inside.

I almost gasped.

Gerard was pouring his beer in the toilet, watching the liquid as it spilled in the hole with a stern look on his face. He seemed concentrated, on the edge. Like he had to control himself, as if he knew he was doing the right thing. But at the same time, like the devils inside of him told him otherwise.

Aw shit.

His hand was shaking so badly, he was crushing the can with his fingers. I could hear the metal crack. I couldn’t believe he was actually doing it, I really couldn’t. I felt so happy, maybe even proud… yet devastated all at the same.

Once the can was empty, Gerard yanked it in the garbage. Then he sighed heavily, making his way to the sink. He cupped his palms against the cream porcelain, staring at his reflection. The yellow light illuminated his pale skin, revealing every details of it. He grimaced a little as he noticed the state of his eyes, which were all puffy and red, and he looked tired, so tired. But to me, he looked beautiful…. he always did. Then his head fell down, like he didn’t want to see his face anymore. He drew a sad and long breath, naked into his own shame.

I was in the doorway, unconsciously biting my nails, not quite knowing what to do. I felt like he needed to be on his own, and that no matter which word I said, it wouldn’t be the right one.

I was just about to turn around when his voice gripped me.

“When are you leaving?” He shakily asked, still staring at the sink, his back was facing me.

I frowned. “Hum… dunno. I was thinking maybe tomorrow morn-”

“C-can you stay?”

“Huh?”

“Another day.” He rasped. “Can you... can you stay another day?”

“Hum, but I have to get back Gerard...”

Gerard swayed around in a flash. He was in the doorway too now, facing me from the other side.

“Please I...” He started, voice soft but damaged. “I don’t think I’ll make it tomorrow if you’re not there.”

“Ugh. I- I don’t know…”

“Please-” He insisted. “Just for the radio show, just tomorrow. I don’t trust myself Mia.”

I only twitched.

“I’ll drink again, I’ll drink again and fuck things up.” Gerard swung his body forward, he was so close to me now. “But you... I trust you.”

I quivered at his words, pulling back against the frame, the wood pressed against my spine. Gerard leaned forward even more. And fuck, those damn puppy eyes he had, they got me every time. He was impossible, he unraveled me.

I bit my lip. “O-okay, but just for the radio show. After that I’m go-”

He wrapped me into his arms. “Thank you.”

At first, I didn’t react to the hug. I just let him hug me, taking his scent as I realized how fucking powerless he made me sometimes. He was still drunk too. I could feel it in the way he held me, and the sick perfume of his chest.

We just stayed like that for a while.

I could hear the disrupted beat of his heart and he purred against me. I then dared to hug him back and he moaned in response, squeezing me tighter. Then I couldn’t breathe anymore. All I saw was black and stained colours. It was warm around me. But I let him do it. I let him use me - hold me - because I could feel how much he needed it.

Then we let go of each other.

I was dizzy.

Gerard cleared his throat and sniffed. “Hum, I have to get some sleep.”

I chuckled shyly. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

He smiled. “Will you be okay? In the basement, I mean.”

“Yeah sure. Don’t worry for me.”

“But- you can join me… if you want.”

I rolled my eyes but not negatively, biting a smile back. “Go to sleep Gerard.”

He shrugged. “Okay…” Then his eyebrows furrowed as he fumbled with the back of his head, like he wanted to say something else, almost like it burned his tongue. But he didn’t- he just walked away.

I heard his bedroom door clash and shut my eyes.

The silence was back again.

The fucking silence.

I crashed on the ugly sofa.

*

I spent most of the next hours airing in the basement, thinking, doing nothing. The couch was so uncomfortable, I writhed against it. It made a squeaking leathery sound every time I moved my butt. Plus I don’t even know what time it was, the sun was slowly fading.

Just another lost day.

I was bored.

I knew Gerard was sleeping, but I didn’t want to disturb him. All the alcohol he had drank was probably wearing out, plus I’m pretty sure he didn’t sleep last night. So yeah, I just left him alone.

I couldn’t believe I said yes though, about you know... staying one more day. I felt gullible. But- something inside of me told me it was the right thing to do. That staying a bit longer was for the best. I felt like I could help him- or maybe save him, and hopefully in the way... save myself.

So anyway, as I wondered on my own, in that old basement, trapped between the grey chirping paint walls, something popped in my head. It was my tape recorder. Oh man. I totally forgot about it. It crashed against the wall when Gerard hoped over me, I remember it. Aw shit. I hope it wasn’t broken, otherwise I’d be fucked. Like totally fucked.

Guess I had to find for myself.

I dragged myself out of the couch, reaching Gerard’s bedroom door. I leaned my left ear against it, trying to hear if he was sleeping. And he was, I could hear him snore. It sounded like a truck. I opened the door.

It was pitch dark in there.

The curtains were closed, the lights were off too, all of it. The junk was still there though, and so was Gerard, airing like a slug on his bed. He didn’t even bother to change, nor get the blanket or pillows. He was just- laying there on his stomach… completely hazed.

I shook my head. I had to find my tape. Now.

Hopefully, I got it without any struggles. It was in the back of the room; on the floor near a box of random stuff. I picked it up, squinting to see within the darkness. I sighed in relief. So far the buttons seemed to work fine- there weren’t any cracks either. But- there was one problem...one thing- that was damaged. It was the tape inside. The cassette was broken.

I quickly pressed play and the weirdest sound came out. I hissed. It sounded like voices - fainted ones - I could hear their words. But unfortunately, a deep static overpowered most of them, like a satanic chant or something like that.

But then- the static stopped and I recognized a voice. It was Gerard’s voice… a-and… mine?

Yeah. It was us. It was the fight. Our fight in the woods.

Oh shit, I didn’t even realized I had recorded that. It was all there; on that broken cassette. And now to top it off, I couldn’t even record over it anymore. Oh well, what a darned thing really, out of all the tapes I had, it had to be this one. Guess I’d have to keep it and listen to it later, just to make sure nothing important was recorded on it.

Anyway, when the sound of the thunder came through the speaker, I pressed stop, scared it’d wake Gerard up. But don’t worry, it didn’t. He just growled and rolled on his back, smacking his mouth.

I walked up to him, my bag was just beside the bed. I kneeled down and hid the broken cassette underneath all my clothes, not wanting anyone to get their hands on that, especially not him.

His face caught my eye as soon as I got up. I couldn’t see much, but I could see enough. It knocked me out really. I stood there longer than I should, watching his mouth as it sucked the air in, or his chest as it moved up and down. He looked so free, so unlike him, like a child again.
Someone who’s never known pain.

A knock came from behind.

I snapped out, panicking for a second, not quite sure why. Then the door opened, creaking as it should. It was Mikey again. He peeked his head in the entrance. I could barely see him but the reflexion of his glasses made it clear.

“Mia?” His voice was low.

“Uh, yeah?” I tried to be quiet.

“Hum, can I talk to you for a sec?”

I nodded. “Sure.” I made my way out of the room.

Once I was in the main room again, Mikey closed the door behind me. His eyes travelled on the ground before locking into mine. He was facing me, seeming rather troubled.

“What’s going on?” I asked him, folding my arms.

“Listen Mia, is Gerard alright?”

I shrugged. “Huh yeah... he’s sleeping now.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised. I just found a bottle of vodka in the sink. It was empty.”

My eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t full when he took it, but there must’ve been half, at least.”

I didn’t know what to say.

Mikey noticed my confusion and laughed. “But hey, it’s no different than what he drinks on the road. It’s just that when he’s home he tends to be very self destructive. He hides in his room all day, doesn’t see anyone. I’m just worried for him.”

What I heard saddened me. “I’m so sorry Mikes...”

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m happy you’re here. I think you’re good for him.”

I brushed off what he said with an awkward laugh. But my blush gave it all away.

“No I mean it.” Mikey smiled. “But anyway, look, I’m going to the restaurant with my girlfriend this evening and I really want Gerard to come with us. He needs to get out of the house.”

I shook my head. “So?”

“Well do you think you could ask him? I’m sure he’ll say yes to you.”

“Hum…”

“Mia please, you’re his friend.”

I grimaced at that, but then sighed. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Great!” He cheered. “We’re leaving in an hour. So just meet us at the front okay?”

“Huh sure.”

“Aw thanks Mia, you’re the best!” He winked then leaved, already running upstairs.

I was left there, blinking, slightly confused with a mission. Everything went so quickly I swear. But strangely, all I could think about… was a word. Yeah, one fucking word that Mikey just said. One that was so innocent, and ordinary. But I couldn’t shake it off my head.

It was the word friend.

To be honest, I don't know why it struck me this much. Maybe that’s because me and Gerard...we weren’t friends. I wish we were - god I wish we could be. But truth is, we weren’t. We were…something else. Something I couldn’t comprehend.

And I guessed I liked him.

I liked him like friends aren't supposed to.

I shook my head.

This wasn’t the time.

I had one hour to wake Gerard up and convince him to join us at the restaurant. I cringed. It almost seemed impossible, giving the fact that he was halfway dead in his bed, snoring and drooling into an alcoholic coma. But whatever, I told Mikey I’d do it. So I’d do it. No matter how much Gerard would hate me for it.

I pushed on the bedroom door again- and I cringed, again. Gerard was still snoring like a truck but he had rolled over his stomach, face sunk into the mattress. He was all spread out like a starfish, half of legs were hanging out, toes slightly touching the ground. It looked very uncomfortable. But him? He didn’t seem to care.

I swallowed and tiptoed to the bed box. Then I bowed down, my fingers touched his shoulders. At first I squeezed it, but it didn’t do anything, except maybe for his breathing that got upset. I took a deep breath and squeezed it again, shaking him this time.

Nothing, still.

“Gerard! Wake up!” I whispered. “Wake up Gerard!” My voice pierced louder, and I shook him nonstop. Not too rough though, but enough to startle him.

I finally heard a whimper. It wasn’t a pleased sound to say the least, but nonetheless, he was coming back to life.

“Mikey’s inviting us to the restaurant, Gee.” My hand was now in his neck, palming the base of it, his skin was super hot and sweaty. “You have to wake up.”

Gerard only growled.

“Gee!” I yelled.

“Nghh-” Gerard rolled over sluggishly. “What is it Mikey?” His voice was wrecked and he blinked, trying to figure out who I was.

I chuckled. “I’m not Mikey you silly. He’s upstairs, waiting for us...”

“Oh” He rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”

“I dunno.”

He sighed. “And why did you wake me up?”

“I told you, Mikey’s going to the restaurant, he wants you to come.”

Gerard groaned and snuggled against a random pillow. “Don’t wanna, I’m too tired.”

“Gee, come on. You can’t stay in your room all day…”

“I can.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed in exasperation. “This is stupid.”

I think I heard him laugh. “What’s stupid?”

“This. You.” I crossed my arms, staring at the blank wall. “Acting like a baby again.”

Gerard didn’t say anything, but he was pondering, that I knew. Whenever he was silent like that, it meant that his thoughts were racing in his head. I kept on pouting, waiting for him to do something, or maybe just fall asleep again. I don’t know.

But then he sighed. “Okay, fuck it. I’ll come.”

I looked at him and smiled. “Knew you would.”

Gerard sat on the edge of the bed with a nasty bed head. He yawned and roared, stretching his arms. It looked really painful. “I need a shower first.”

I nodded. “I’ll be outside.”

*

Staring at the sidewalk wasn’t very enriching, but it was distracting nonetheless.

My worn sneakers aired tragically in the crumbled gravel of the front porch. I was at my third cigarette, waiting for anybody to show up, butt crashed against the cold ground. The sun was almost gone now, the sky was pink and dark blue. The yellow lasting rays shined within the distance. Just a typical, warm and mellow summer evening.

I was just about to light my fourth stick when a car finally pulled in the driveway. It was an old Vauxhall Astra, straight from the nineties. The shape of it was very rectangular, some sort of small family car, and it was violet. Yeah, violet, I’m not kidding.

I recognized Mikey as he made his way out of the vehicle, then a girl did the same from the passenger’s seat. But her, I did not recognize her. It was probably his girlfriend, since he told me she’d come with us. The girl was fairly tall, she had short strawberry blond hair, not too short though. They ended below her ears and curled at the tips. Surprisingly, her style wasn’t punk, like at all. She wore a white summer dress with lacy straps. She was pretty though, but kinda generic pretty; cute nose, cute pink mouth and round blue eyes. All that shit. As for me, I looked like a freaking goth homeless girl compared to her.

But anyway.

I stopped analyzing her before looking like a creep.

Mikey bumped his head at me and smiled. I did the same as they approached me. I got on my feet, wiping my ass subtly from the dust that had stained it. The three of us met halfway on the lawn.

“Sweet ride.” I sneered.

“Hey, I got a good deal okay?” Mikey argued, obviously self conscious about his old car.

I giggled. “I wasn’t being sarcastic.”

“Yeah, anyway…” He brushed off, one arm wrapped around the girl’s shoulders. “This is my girl, Luna.”

I nodded. “Cool, nice to meet you.”

Luna chuckled and gave me her hand. “It’s nice to meet you too, I’ve seen you on MTV before.”

I blushed in embarrassment, remembering that crazy day. “Oh… that. Yeah.”

She chuckled again. “Well I think you were very good honestly, more than Mikey anyway.” Her eyes dwelled upon him. “Since he’s always so shy in interview...” She nudged him playfully.

“Hey!” Mikey laughed in protest. “You said you liked the shy guy...”

“Oh I do.” Luna bit her lip, angling her face towards his. “I really do.” She kissed him softly, right in front of me.

Okay. Look. It wasn’t cringy or anything. Well, maybe just a little, but they were madly in love. I could see that. And how could I be angry at that? It made me feel slightly miserable, though. My poor and cold heart whined in secret. But I brushed it off like a big girl, because that's what I am... a big girl.

The couple finally stopped kissing and smiled at me. I smiled back, awkwardly. Of course.

“So, is Gerard coming?” Mikey asked.

“Yeah, he’s in the shower I think.” I replied. “Shouldn’t be too long.”

“Awesome, I knew he’d say yes to you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Wasn’t easy, trust me.”

And just as I said that - the front door opened.

Mikey’s face illuminated. “Gee! Finally!”

I barely turned my head, looking from the corner of my eyes. Gerard came into my view. He finally joined the three of us, nonchalantly, cigarette caught between his lips. At first, I was shook. Because he smelled like fresh soap, and Gerard never smelled like fresh soap. His hair were still wet from the shower and he wore his goddamn leather jacket, again.

“So, where are we going?” Gerard rasped, all relaxed.

“Skyline diner.” Mikey said. “It’s cheap and they have everything.”

“Hi Gerard…” Luna murmured, since he was totally ignoring her.

Gerard dragged a long puff before throwing his cigarette away. “Hey Luna.”

He still hadn’t look at me. But I was too, avoiding his eyes. I don’t know why though. It was just like that. He was right beside me.

“Alright! Let’s go guys. It’s getting late.” Mikey made a turn and walked towards the car, and so did Luna.

But me and Gerard just stayed there, immobile, like a force keeping us together. He was looking at me now, I think. It seemed like he was waiting for me to do the same. Yeah, he was. I pivoted my head slowly to meet his gaze. And he was... smirking? Yeah he was.

But... something felt odd.

I raised an eyebrow. “Hum, are you okay?”

He simply nodded.

My questioning look deepened. Gerard was hiding something from me. He was.

“Guys? What are you doing?” Mikey howled from afar.

“Coming Mikey!” Gerard barked, but his eyes didn’t quit mine for a second.

I shook my head. “What’s going on? Something’s going on. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Relax Lechowski…” He leaned to whisper in my ear. “It’s only xanax.”

My jaw dropped.

Gerard hummed a laugh in response and messed with my hair, and that felt condescending as hell. He then strolled to the car, with no care at all whatsoever.

I blinked again, baffled, hair like a giant nest now. Did he really take Xanax? Did he? Oh damn him, he was supposed to stay sober! Well I mean, that’s what I thought. I felt my insides catch on fire. Then I shook my head, trying to stay calm. I made my way to the car in silence.

Mikey and Luna were already inside, sitting at the front and the engine had started. I caught a glimpse of Gerard’s beam on the other side, just as I was about to enter the car, and he winked at me. I rolled my eyes.

This guy, I tell you-

He had the face of an angel,

with the ways of the devil.

*

Thankfully, we arrived at the diner in no time. I was getting hungry, my stomach made me know.

The ride felt a bit long, though, giving the fact that Gerard was sitting right beside me on the backseat. I focused on the road the whole time, letting the wind wash over me, ignoring him. It’s not because I wanted to, but I felt betrayed. I really thought Gerard would be sober tonight, I really did. But maybe for him, xanax was different. Maybe he needed it and I was clueless.

Ugh, I didn’t know.

Gerard tried getting attention a few times, stroking my hand, asking me if I was hungry, or if I wanted a cigarette, basically anything to start a conversation. But I shrugged him off each time, and he didn’t like it, he didn’t understand. Deep down, I didn’t like it too, and I would’ve probably grab his hand if I wasn’t so sour. But the reason I was upset, was because I cared too much about him. And I thought maybe...maybe he didn’t like me as much as I liked him.

Also, Mikey had the annoying tendency to listen to music very loudly. So we couldn’t hear each other unless we shouted. Yeah, you get the vibe. Old nineties car, speakers shaking with heavy grunge music, mindless xanax dude in the back, all that while strolling at the speed of light in the ghosted suburbs of New Jersey.

Just, perfect.

But anyway, like I said, we got to the diner.

The edifice was large, red neons strikes illuminated the front, the bricks were yellow. The parking lot seemed empty too, except for a few cars. The sun was gone. Quiet summer night, reminding me of happier times.

I made my way out of the car, slamming the door. I was instantly welcomed by the scent of fried food and wet grass. Families exited the restaurant, their laughters and screams skimmed past my ears. Mikey and Luna started walking towards the entrance and I followed them.

My feet were quick, my stomach was growling and I heard my name being called. I swayed my head around, gently. Gerard was just a meter away from me, trying to follow my pace, eyes totally talking to me. I shrugged and looked away, keeping my steady pace. Why couldn’t he leave me alone? Didn’t he get my message?

I reached the entrance quickly, clinging unto Mikey and Luna to get inside. But Gerard was faster. He bumped into me and pulled on my shoulders before I could enter the building.

I sighed, forced to face him now. “What’s the problem Gerard?”

He frowned. “I don’t know, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.” I lied. “I’m hungry and you’re making me wait.”

He shook his head. “It’s because I took xanax, is it?”

“No…”

“You're lying.”

“Well I thought you’d stay sober Gerard. I-I thought-” I bit my lip, then growled, feeling stupid. “Ugh- never mind...” I turned away.

“Mia-”

I ignored him, sliding past the doors, finally entering the restaurant. I searched for Mikey and Luna, eyes darting back and forth. Then I spotted them. They were sitting on a booth in the back, next to a window.

The booth had red leather seat, probably fake leather though, and they weren’t new. The interior of the diner was pretty basic; everything a diner should be, with slightly out of date decorations and white tiles, salt and pepper on each table. The lights were dim.

I skipped through the alley before crashing my butt on the seat, facing the couple. I thought Gerard was about to join me. But he didn’t. God only knows what he was doing over there...

“Oh my!” Luna whined as she eyed the menu. “There’s just so many things, so many choices. I don’t know what to choose...”

“Why don’t you take the mushroom pizza baby?” Mikey replied. “I know you love pizza.”

“Aw-” She giggled. “You’re right baby.”

Mikey smiled at her. And I could see the love in his eyes.

I found myself staring at the couple without noticing. Everything looked so peachy and smooth between the two of them. I wish I could have that. I wish things weren’t that complicated all the time. The best I ever had were dreams, memories unreal. But dreams, they slip from your mind the moment you wake up. And if you ever hold on... it hurts. Yeah, I gave up on romance awhile ago. No matter the holes, it’s easier this way.

I quickly snapped out of my trance, feeling my melancholia creeping in. Then I grabbed the menu. I bit the inside of my cheeks, wondering which type of food to get. Luna was right, they were so many choices in here. And at some point... too much feels like not enough.

“Have you chosen yet, Mia?” Mikey asked.

“Hum...” I cleared my throat. “I think the pastas are tempting me-”

A loud rumbled interrupted my last syllable.

Gerard had just jumped on the bench. Right beside me, making the table shake. “Sorry guys-”

I slid my butt towards the window, leaving more space for him.

“Well there you are!” Mikey told him. “Good choice Mia, by the way. The pastas here are heaven.”

I nodded, trying to not get distracted by Gerard who just grabbed a menu.

Mikey started talking to him, about his car, about the way it made a weird sound when he drove. Gerard was listening to him, humming here and there as he read the menu. Or maybe more like...pretending to listen. Because he wouldn’t stop looking at me. Not too intensely though, just a little glance; the ones he does when he’s worried.

Luna was talking to me now and I meticulously nodded, faking a smile. Now don’t get me wrong, she was super sweet, but it was hard to concentrate. Impossible even. All I could focus on, was the nest of black hair that moved in the corner of my eye.

I eventually gave up.

After 5 minutes.

I glared at Gerard, subtly. Luna and Mikey kept on babbling, both clearly unaware of what was going on.

He shook his head at me. And there was need in his eyes. It tried to break the distance in mine.

“Ready to order darlings?” A nasally voice pierced through the air.

We both snapped at the same time. An elderly woman was standing at the edge of the table. She wore an orange country dress with a white apron, typical fed up waitress. She also had too much makeup - not to her advantage - and her silver hair looked kinda dry.

“Yep, I am.” Mikey retorted. “I’ll have the Skyline sandwich with an extra side of coleslaw, please.”

The woman nodded, scribbling down the order as she smacked her gum. “And for you?”

“I’ll have a small mushroom pizza, please.” Luna added.

The woman nodded again, now glancing at Gerard.

Gerard cleared his throat. “Hum…” He scratched his head, like he didn’t have a clue. “Just- just bring me a soup.”

The waitress raised an eyebrow. “You’ll gotta be more precise than that sweetheart.”

“Whatever’s on the stove, I don’t care.” Gerard shrugged.

The woman laughed. “Alright.” Then she looked at me. “And for you sweetie?”

“I’ll have the marinara pasta. But no cheese.”

“Without cheese--” She repeated as she finished writing “Alright. Anything to drink? We’ve got some fine beer on sale tonight.”

Gerard shook his head. “No. Not for me. Not tonight. But thank you.”

“Same for me, just water.” I added. Everybody agreed at that.

Then the waitress left, gathering the menus with her.

“Wow... Gerard.” Mikey made, baffled. “I can’t believe you turned down her offer…”

A wave of uncertainty travelled through me. What Mikey said, it was all true. Gerard didn’t take any beer, he said no. It was the first time ever that he did that. Ugh. I felt bad now. Maybe I was blind and too harsh on him, only trying to find a flaw so I can hate him- so I can protect myself. Maybe he really was making an effort, after all.

“Yeah...” Gerard mumbled. “Someone taught me into it...”

I gasped in secret as I pretended not to hear him. But his words, they made me turn my head. I looked at him. Gerard was already staring at me.

“And I don’t know how to thank her.” His voice was quiet, only for me to hear.

My face softened.

“I’m so proud of you, Gee.” Mikey replied. “You have no idea.”

“Thanks Mikey.” Gerard said as he smiled at me.

I think I smiled back.

The two brothers kept on talking, more precisely about the radio show. I listened distractedly, I couldn’t follow everything. But then Luna whistled at me. She wanted to ask me questions about my job. I accepted and answered the best I could. She was very cute and curious. Her eyes always lighted up whenever I talked, drinking my words. And for the first time in a while, I was having a good time.

The waitress eventually came back with our plates and we all threw ourselves on the food. I was hungry. So hungry- that the first bite burned my tongue. Me and Gerard still hadn’t talk, though. We exchanged a few friendly glances, but that was it. There was always this feeling, this thing inside of me, blocking us. Yet we were so aware, so aware of being together, being near, though somehow, acted like we weren’t.

But things changed.

Rather quickly.

About halfway through our meal, when all of our conversations were spent and bellies full - Mikey and Luna started making out. And unfortunately, since the booth was so small, it was impossible to look away.

I choked on my spaghetti.

Gerard dropped his spoon.

I tried eating again, but I couldn’t, the food rolled into my mouth like wet mud. I wanted to spit it out.

Then Mikey did the worst thing possible; he shoved his tongue down her throat, whispering ‘I love you’ in between. Their moves were so gentle, filled with passion and lust. I totally lost it, right there. I pushed my plate aside, panting. Gerard was shifting on his seat, as desperate as I was to focus on something else.

Look, I knew they were in love, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that they were kissing right in front of me…and Gerard. I couldn’t handle that. And as much as I wanted to, my heart wouldn’t let me. This was so unfair. I tried to drink water, it did nothing.

Gerard was looking at me now.

I could feel his eyes on me.

I blinked around, desperate to save time. I wasn’t ready to face him. But then again, I had no other choice. I glanced down, trailing off to him. It was a chance I had to take.

I met his eyes- there was an urge in them.

“You wanna get outta here?” He asked me.

“Anywhere.”

Notes

I'm back? I think... (and that was a long one)