yes, I was changing; life was changing, even if it meant to go back.


That day started big and blue. The weird clouds were gone, leaving space for the sun to shine as much as it wanted to. I woke up around 7 or something, can’t remember. Suko was already up, making coffee like every morning’s supposed to start. The doors of the van were opened wide, both the trunk and the sides one. A morning breeze caressed my bare skin, because yeah, I slept in my damped underwear.

First thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the gorgeous day, my gaze trailed off to the field. It was still empty, but even more so now. I rubbed my eyes fiercely, adjusting to the brightness. I also ran a hand through my tangled hair, they were puffy as hell. Then I stretched my aching members and yawned like a whale. Think I probably growled like an old man too.

After all that waking up crap, I was finally ready to attack the day.

“Hey you. Made some coffee.” Suko mumbled when she noticed me. The coffee machine was plugged at the front, but she was outside, leaned against the van as she smoked a cigarette. It smelled like caffeine and tobacco, like always.

I groaned something like a hello then sat properly. I hopped my butt over the edge of the van and squinted slightly, still virgin to the nice weather. “Slept well?” I asked her.

“Yeah actually, pretty fucking good.” She bragged, blowing out smoke. “I just woke up and I was like shit, I’m alive again!” She chuckled.

I smiled, it was so nice to see her in shape. “It’s good to have you back Matsuko.”

She smiled even wider - I melted. “I kinda like it you know, when you say my whole name, makes me feel all special.”

“Well then..” I lingered. “Can I pleaaase have a cigarette Matsuko?”

She rolled her eyes playfully. “Tsss, freakin’ squirrel, always stealing my provisions.”

I grimaced. “A squirrel?”

“Yeah.” She laughed, throwing a cigarette on me. “You look like a fucking squirrel right now. But a sexy squirrel...” Suko winked as she trailed off, she walked to the front and leaned over the passenger’s seat to prepare coffees. “So, black? Milk? Sugar?”

I still thought about was she just said, seriously did I look like a squirrel? God I hoped not. But hey, I was a sexy squirrel so who cares. I shook my head. “Hmmm, just sugar, no milk please.”

Suko nodded so I could see her, I waited a few seconds then she came back with 2 coffees in styrofoam cups. I thanked her as she sat right next to me, the both of us admired the view silently. A few people still wandered in sight, same for the fire as it drowned the horizon.

“So..” Suko exhaled. “Ready for the big day?”

I took a sip of my coffee but it burned my tongue, I hissed. “Huh yeah, I am.”

She scoffed a laugh. “We got a long way to go.”

“Yeah…” I knew Texas was far away from New York, but I didn’t know the exact length. “Have you got an idea of the time it’ll take us?”

“Hmm, at least 24 hours.”

I almost choked on my coffee. “24?”

“Yeah man it’s brutal, I tell ya. We’ll have to switch driver.”

“Holy shit…” I couldn’t believe it. Seems like home wasn’t that close after all. But that’s okay, I mean, it’d be like a road trip without any show. But something else was bothering me. I still hadn’t told Suko about Jersey. I really didn’t want her to know that I was going to see Gerard. But lying to her was stupid, I mean, I’m a terrible liar, we all know that. I had to think of something quick, something credible. Then I got an idea. “Listen Suko, hum, do you think you can drop me at my parent’s place in Jersey?”

“Ow, you’re not going back to New York?”

“Yes I am, but after. I just want to see my dad and my mom you know, it’s been awhile.” I mumbled, rubbing my neck.

That was all true you know, I really wanted to see my parents, I missed them so much. And after that well, shit’d be easy peasy. I knew the city buses all led to Belleville, I’d just have to take one and meet Gerard, god knows where, somewhere in town or the suburbs. That way nobody would know but no lies would be spread. Fuck I’m so smart sometimes.

“Huh sure, no problem. It’s on our way anyway.” Suko shrugged.

“Thanks man.” I smiled.

We both finished our coffees and sucked on nicotine, chit chatting about random stuff like we always do. But then we spotted Ray in the distance, he’d just got out of the bus, heading straight for us. I hurried to grab a blanket, I was still in my underwear you know. Because yeah, yesterday was all funny and innocent; being naked and drunk at midnight. But now? I’d look like a freakin' exhibitionist. Of course with my Suko I didn’t care, but with Ray, it was a different matter.

“Morning ladies!” He cheered as he approached our vehicle.

“What’s up Ray!” Suko exclaimed.

“T’sup.” I just said.

“Doing good, doing good.” Ray bragged, he leaned his right side against the van casually. “Listen girls. I’ll have to be honest with you...” He started, like business matter was on. “We’re all drained and limp. We just can't wait to get home. Mikey’s got a sore throat, Bob has a flight to Chicago, Frank a dentist appointment and Gerard’s just fucking exhausted and high, and usually when that happens, he gets worse. So yeah, you name it.”

Suko squinted. “Which means?”

“Which means the ride has to be super efficient. We’ll take very few breaks, like 1, 2 if we need it, but that’s max.”

Suko’s eyes widened in shock. “But the ride’s fucking 24 hours Ray!”

“Well it makes sense.” I replied. “I mean, I don’t see why we should waste our time in rest areas or some cheap motel again, seriously I’m all in.”

“Yeah exactly, plus we all have beds and shit.” Ray pointed out. “We just wanna get home as soon as possible, we’re all tired as hell.”

Suko pondered a little, then she sighed. “Yeah, okay. If that’s the plan you all agreed to, I guess we’re in. But if we lose you on the way, don’t bother, we’ll call if we need help.”

Ray nodded. “Okay, great. Hum, we’re leaving in about 15 minutes. Is that too soon or?”

“Nah” Suko snorted, she gesticulated her hand forward, as if to say everything was in control. “We’re always ready... you fool.” She winked.

Ray giggled. “Alright, perfect then!” He said as he swung his body straight. “I’ll see you girls later, have a safe ride okay?”

Me and Suko returned the kind words and with that, Ray turned around, walking back to his tour bus.

Damn this was about to be the longest ride of my life. Forget about those 11 hours stroll, this one was 24 hours, that's like a whole day! Good thing our van was spacious, we had a lot of good music too. But 24 hours? Damn. Oh well, this was the life I chose.

Guess I’d have to take the pill again and swallow it.

*

We left Texas perfunctory. Our minds were set on the massive challenge we were about to face, which was; going to point B, which seemed very much like a point Z. I barely had the time to put some clothes on. I just grabbed the first piece of fabric I saw; some old Mötley Crüe t-shirt with an ugly pair of shorts. I also twisted my hair in a bun. But I saved myself the trouble to look in a mirror.

Me and Suko agreed to split the journey in 2. She’d do the first stretch, since she was particularly unflagging that day, and I’d do the last to Jersey. I still can’t believe we agreed to do this. I mean 24 hours is a long way to go. But like I said, we didn’t care, we were sadistic youngsters, ready to endure whatever life had in store for us.

I can’t exactly remember what I did in the van. In those moments you just wait, or you think too much, get lost into daydream. Then you have a conversation which is usually not that important. Then you listen to music, you sing along too loud or forget the lyrics and curse. Then maybe you stuff your face with junk food, maybe you regret it. But most of the time, you just press your face against the window and watch the cars go by.

Yeah, that’s basically what you do on the road - basically what I did; nothing. All while my Suko drove like a screwball. But she was the best of them, I tell you.

I was just in the back, thinking. I was very excited to see my parents again, it has been so long since we talked. Also the idea of spending some alone time with Gerard made me anxious. But it was the good kind of anxious, the one that tingles softly inside. And I have to admit, we made a lot of progress recently.

Especially yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday was … I can’t even describe it. I felt butterflies in my stomach just thinking about the way he kissed my forehead. Or how beautiful he looked in the moonlight with his pale chest and tender eyes. All of him really, all of him was beautiful and it killed me.

Anyway, I cannot tell you what time it was, probably 1pm, 6 hours had passed or so. We were driving down the Interstate 30 East while Last Caress from The Misfits played from the radio. We’ve just crossed Arkansas’s borders, lost in Texarkana or whatever. It was hard to discern anything at this point. Every places looked the same.

So like I said, we were rolling and shit. I was just sorting CDs in the back because it was a fucking mess, and let’s be honest, I had nothing better to do. But then I received a text from Gerard. Like always, the damn vibration made me jump, that thing always makes me jump. But yeah, I just grabbed my phone who was right next to my pillow, heart beating as it should, opening the damn thing.

“How’s the ride?” He simply wrote.

I thought about my answer for awhile, wondering if I should write a simple fine or get into details about my boring adventures. But I picked something right the middle. “Dragging, but I’m tryna to stay positive, so I’ll say neat.”

I waited for his answer, arms trembling. Fuck, why was I so nervous? I just… I couldn’t help it.
Then my phone vibrated again. I hissed slightly.

“Yeah, you girls are warriors for riding that boneshaker, I can't complain if you don't.”

His reply made me laugh warmly, right inside. Then my fingers started typing again. “Hey it’s pretty comfortable for an old wreck, you just haven’t test it yet.”

Gerard replied in the second. “Might have to see for myself then...”

Hm, was that supposed to be ambiguous? Those three little dots made me wonder. I bit the inside of my bottom lip, thinking of something to write. Our conversation was very pleasant, and it surely kept my mind away from the road.

But Gerard was faster than me.

“Do you want my address?” He wrote.

“Sure, if you wanna give it to me.” I replied instantly.

“As long as you promise not to make it a headline.”

I giggled, feeling the sudden need to tease him. “Hmm…. not if you give me that interview.”

He replied right away. “Is this blackmail or something?”

“Dunno, maybe.”

“Lechowski” Gerard simply wrote, I could totally imagine him say my name like that.

“Hey I’m kidding, shoot the address!”

“41 Berkeley Avenue”

“Thanks, your secret is safe with me.”

“Yeah, I'll just have to trust you on that.”

So yeah, that’s pretty much how our conversation ended. I smiled like a fucking lunatic the whole time. I also wrote a couple of words but erased them right away. I really wanted to talk to him more, but I was held back. I didn’t wanna seem needy or desperate. Ugh, here goes the overthinking again, right up the roof. I just put my phone aside and laid on my bed, glancing at it way too many times, in the slight hope it’d buzz again.

But it’s funny you know, how easy it was, when I didn’t see his face, when his eyes didn’t harp on me. I could finally be myself, speak to him as a friend. It’s like I could reach his soul because the pressure wasn’t there. Like our minds could exchange, as naked as they were. But this wasn’t real life, it was the SMS life, or the cyber life, whatever you wanna call it. Real life was different, it was rough and pure and right in your face, we had a lot of work to do.

Man, I really hoped Jersey would free us from our tensions.

All I had to do now was wait, wait for this fucking journey to end.

*

13 hours.

It’s been 13 hours since we left Selma.

I don’t know how we made it, but we did.

We were in Nashville now, driving along the Percy Priest Dam. It was 8pm and the sun had faded. I was starting to go crazy, I swear. I needed to get outside, get some air, stretch my legs or something, and poor Suko- her head! Her head was aching like hell. Her eyes were dry and red, struggling to stay open. She couldn’t concentrate anymore, it was getting dangerous.

But hopefully Frank called us, just when I was about to.

“Yo Mia, how you doin' over there?”He said, voice high-pitched and loud. I could hear the sound of video games and music in the back.

“Ugh it was all fine, until now. We need a break Frank, Suko’s about to drop.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling. We’re parking soon, like next stop, so stay alert.”

I almost moaned. “Oh thank god, thank you Frankie!”

“You can call me Jesus if you want.”

“Tsss, more like emo Jesus…”

“Bahahaha” Frank giggled lazily, his fast, lazy laugh that always made me laugh. “Emo Jesus, that’s fucking corny man.”

“M’yeah, probably why it fits you. ‘Nyway, see ya dude.”

“Ciao bella!”

The call was short and sweet, it told me everything I needed to know in order to ease my mind.

So we drove until spotting a gas station. The MCR bus went straight for it and Suko pushed the pedal harder. Both of our vehicles parked in no time. The gas station was small, shaggy looking, rusty too. The paint must’ve been red a long time ago, only sad residues and cracks were visible now. The glass windows weren’t transparent either, millions of fingerprints stained them. This was just your creepy gas station at the side of the road, nothing to make a fuss about. Though our gas tank was empty now, Suko made me know. I just told her to lay in bed, that from now on, I’d take care of everything. She agreed willingly, nodding slowly as she crawled to her bed. She made no sound after that, she simply fell asleep.

I stepped out the van, roaring like a dinosaur as I expanded every parts of my body. My lungs welcomed the fresh air too. All the boys were outside. Frank was smoking a cigarette, jogging on the spot, probably to flow his circulation or something, all while Mikey and Bob went straight to the station. As for Ray, he was just chilling, watching the highway. But Gerard wasn't out yet. Oh well, he always had to be the last for everything, kinda noticed that a while ago. I shrugged, not wanting to focus on him again. Frank bumped his head at me, I did the same just before grabbing the nozzle to fill our tank. I could hear poor Suko snoring from where I was, and it was intense, I tell you.

The sky was pretty fucked up that evening; it was dark blue, with shades of yellow, as if the day and the night made love. It was poetic and soothing, contrasting greatly with my misery, since I felt like shit.

Once the tank was full, I put the nozzle back and searched for my wallet - 50$ it costed.

I made my way to the station with the receipt in hand, the bell at the door rang when I pushed it open. Mikey and Bob still wandered in the alleys, wondering which type of junk food to get. We exchanged a quick smile as I walked to the counter. The guy behind it was pretty old, he wore a shirt with a name tag; Dorian, it said. I gave him the money and he smiled politely.

“Anything else miss?” He asked.

“Nah, it’s fine, thank you.”

“Have a great evening!”

“You too Dorian, have a fucking great evening man! Don't give up!” I winked as I walked away. My wicked attention made the sad man blush, I guess no one really notices him. Plus I can't lie, I got all fussy and smiley, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought I was crazy.

Because I am.

And with that, I pushed the door open, once again in the parking lot. I swear I couldn’t quit the sky, it was absolutely mesmerizing. An evening breeze caressed my body, it made my hair go wild but I didn’t mind, it felt good. I loosened my bun and shook my head to free the strands. Once I reached the van, I was just about to enter the driver’s seat but something caught my eye. It was the trunk doors, they were opened. But Suko was still snoring, which obviously means she didn’t do it. But it wasn’t Frank either, neither Ray, because they were still over there, right beside the bus.

So…. who the hell then?

Guess I already knew the answer.

I quickly turned around the vehicle, reaching the back. And there he was, fucking Gerard, sitting on the edge of the trunk as he drank a beer and smoked a cigarette. He wore a denim jacket, which was full of holes and patches, and so were his tight pants. His hair was wild, sticking on his forehead, also flying in the air. His tired and hazel eyes widened when he saw me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, crossing my arms. But it wasn’t meant to be threatening. I just wanted to know why he was there, genuinely.

“Well, I wanted to see for myself.” Gerard shot, smirking slightly. “Told me your van was comfortable, I was curious.” He shrugged, eyes scanning the inside of our temple.

I hummed a laugh. “Well take a good look now, because I have a 12-hour drive waiting for me.” I said as I lighted a cigarette.

His eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah huh, about that, we’re sorry you know…” He sniffed. “We just can’t wait to be home.”

“Nah it’s fine, I mean-” I paused, dragging a puff. “We’ll just get this over with...”

Gerard raised an eyebrow, smirking.

I frowned and sighed. “What?”

"Just-" He laughed to himself. "You should see yourself..."

My frown deepened as I blushed slightly, crossing my arms again.

He shook his head. "Fucking Lechowski"

"Tss, wish I'd get a dollar every time you say that."

"M'sorry" Gerard exhaled a quiet laugh. "I can't help it, it's like..." He pondered, locking his eyes on mine as he quickly licked his bottom lip. "...second nature now."

I flustered, wrinkling my nose. Then a silence came. We looked at each other, a bit unsure. I just chewed on my chapped lip, standing awkwardly in front of him.

But Gerard cracked it. “A-actually hum... I lied, I’m here for another reason.”

I shook my head, sucking on my stick as I questioned him with my eyes.

Gerard tapped on the edge the trunk. “Comere, I have something for you.”

I squinted. “Something for me?”

He rolled his eyes. “No, your freakin’ mom, yes you!” He said like it was obvious. “Just come, come on!” He insisted, patting on the surface faster.

“O-okay.” I replied, sitting right next to him. I waited before turning my head. But when I realized he was staring at me, I had no choice but to look at him. Our faces were close, but not too close. I tucked a strand behind my ear. “So, what is it then?”

Gerard scanned me for a while, then he smiled. “Wait” He searched through his pockets messily for a good minute, he had so many stuff in them. But he was really cute, all confused like that. He cursed too, he didn’t remember where he put the damn thing. “Hah! Got it.” He finally claimed, all proud now, hands reaching for the so called thing in his jacket. Gerard now held a CD.

I blinked, scanning the square shaped object. “Is that a CD?”

Gerard nodded, handing it to me. “It’s huh-” He cleared his throat. “Louder Than Bombs, from The Smiths.”

My jaw dropped, admiring the orange cover. “Shit, my god Gerard, I love this album!”

He giggled. “Yeah, it’s one of my favourites, I huh, thought you might like it for the road...”

I smiled a genuine smile. “Sure, y-yeah, absolutely, it’s so… it’s so great Gerard.” I managed to say, drawing my attention back to his face. “Thank you.”

Gerard blushed, but not the awkward kind of blush, more like the I’m happy because you’re happy. He smiled too. “If you ever feel like you can’t drive anymore, or if your eyes hurt, just put the song #23, it’ll help.”

I bit my lower lip, controlling myself not to fucking hug him. “I will, I promise, t-thank you Gee, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” He mumbled, voice low, simply staring, like he was studying my face again, grasping every details the poor lightning gave away.

I timid laugh escaped my mouth.

Then we heard Frank yelling. “GERARD WE’RE LEAVING MAN!” We both twitched at the sound.

Gerard cleared his throat. “Hum, I gotta go.”

I nodded quickly.“Y-yeah, yeah of course.”

Gerard stood up but still looked at me. He placed his hands in his pockets as his thumbs played with the worn fabric. “I’ll hum...I’ll see you in Jersey Mia.”

“Yeah about that, hum, I’ll just go see my parents first and... I’ll drop by after.”

Gerard nodded. “Okay, I’ll be waiting...” He let on quietly, walking backwards. “...for you.” He breathed the last words, like he didn't want me to hear them.

But I did, how I fucking did. I flushed instantly.

Gerard bit his bottom lip, keeping his gaze on me as he went off. He eventually turned around, a soft smile plastered on his lips.

I melted as I watched him disappear, still holding the CD in my hands. I was speechless, fucking speechless. Music was the very core of my soul, and the fact that he gave me a CD literally crushed my insides, but in a good way.

Fuck, I felt butterflies again, they were everywhere now.

Then my phone buzz, I jumped slightly as it woke me from my thoughts. I checked it, it was Frank, telling me we had to leave. I replied instantly, saying I was ready. I wasted no time and hopped in the driver’s seat. I made sure Suko was okay, and she was, she was completely dead, gone into dreamland.

We were back on the road in no time, sun shining for the last time as it disappeared in the horizon. I put the CD Gerard just gave me and Morrissey’s voice blasted from the stereo. The song Is It Really So Strange? started to play. Gerard was right, this whole album was perfect for the road. It also made me think about him, but that I couldn’t help.

What Gerard did that evening, it killed me, it fucking killed my heart.

*

After one hour of driving through the night, I was almost at the end of the CD when the track #23 started to play. The title was Unloveable. And as I drove, as I followed the bus and smelled the summer wind, the lyrics of the song hit me like thunder.

I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
For message received
Loud and clear
Loud and clear
Message received
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours

I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside
I wear Black on the outside
'Cause Black is how I feel on the inside

And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

The song took a hold of my soul, I wanted to cry, it was too beautiful, too real. Maybe it’s because Gerard wanted me to listen to it, I really don’t know. But one thing was clear, those lyrics were more than just lyrics. And this song, was more than just a song.

It’s like I was hit by a wave of confusion and beauty all at once. I just searched from my Marlboro pack with one hand as the other gripped the wheel. Once again, sucking on that nicotine to ease my nerves.

This night would be a long night, a sleepless night as we call it.


But mom, daddy,
your baby’s coming home.

Notes

This chap feels very personal to me.. But 20 chapters?! I started this 3 months ago, I never thought it'd grow this quick... thanks to you all. (also, it's not G's real address, I ain't no creepy fuhk)