Suko did threw up by the way, oh yeah, and pretty badly.

She wouldn’t stop puking, like her soul was about to come out. I even helped her wash, even brought her breakfast in bed; some toasts and oranges. Yeah, I’m a fucking mom sometimes, I can’t help it. But thanks to me because it saved her.

We left the motel around noon. I took the wheel again, since she was too weak to drive.

There was no freaking time to waste.

*

Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, Selma, Texas

-4pm-

This place wasn’t like the usual venues, it was a plain sight. We parked beside the buses in a large field, dried grass covered the ground. The horizon was naked and the only visible shape was the stage in the distance. The structure seemed tall, white pillars held the roofing. But apart from that, there was nothing, just a huge metallic thing, surrounded by emptiness. It felt strange, surreal. Like a big palace, lost- in the middle of nowhere.

I exited the van, making sure Suko was okay. The sun was shy that day, it peeked through the clouds only to tease us, then it hid away, casting shadows all over the place. The air was heavy too, it loathed my shoulders, drenched my skin. But despite all of this I was feeling good, just a little nostalgic, since tonight was the last show before going home.

I didn’t want it to end, I wasn’t ready.

The life on the road was under my skin now. This permanent feeling of temporality, where nothing stays the same, where nothing really matters. Though I’d be lying to say the boys didn’t grew on me. I loved the punks and the weirdos, the mornings after, even the booze that tasted too strong. I knew tonight was the death of something - we could all feel it. It was the end of the start - the first part of the tour.

But hopefully the break was only 5 days, so there was nothing to worry about.

The boys sauntered in front of us, all wearing their stage clothes. We ran through the field, bypassing the rows of buses. A few fans shrieked when they saw us but we kept on going. We finally reached the metallic gate and I showed my pass to the security guards, following the group as we all entered the backstage venue. But then- I bumped into a merch guy and I had to stop walking, he was selling MCR t-shirt and wristbands, pretty ironic. So obviously, the band and I parted ways, even Suko was out of my sight. I tried spotting Ray's afro in the distance but it was all in vain, there were just too many people that day.

Gladly, the show was about to start, so there was no need to freak out. I shrugged in defeat and hoped on stage, staying on the backside to the left, waiting for the show to begin. Red velvety curtains dangled from the edges, making it look fancy and all, pretty out of context for a rock show. Technicians sprinted all around as they installed the rest of the equipments, it was really busy. They all talked in earplugs, saying things I didn't understand.

“Ma’am?”

I turned around, a woman in her forties stared at me. “Huh yes?”

“The fans are not allowed in here.” She shot, glaring at me coldly.

I frowned. “ Huh, but I’m not a fan. I’m a journalist, f-for Kerrang magazine.”

She laughed mockingly. “That’s all the same to me sweetheart! Just go play somewhere else, we’re working here.”

I shrugged. “Huh okay…” I turned around to go back but I couldn’t anymore - a big crate blocked the access. I looked around, I had no choice but to skip through the curtains. I pushed them aside and entered the space, hoping I’d lead me somewhere. But then I bumped into someone. “Whoa shit!” I breathed out as I looked up - it was Gerard, he seemed ready to perform. His lazy makeup was done perfectly.

“Shit Lechowski! I’m so sorry!” He babbled quickly. “A-are you okay?” He asked as he grabbed my shoulders.

“Y-yeah, it’s cool.” I laughed nervously. “I just, I didn’t expect to see you.” I stepped back, Gerard let go of me.

“Yeah, me neither.” He laughed, then he cleared his throat. “So hum, you’re not staying for the show?”

“N-no, I mean yeah.” I stuttered. “But some bitch told me to get out.”

He frowned - concerned. “Oh, that’s weird, you want me to talk to her?” He asked as he stepped forward again.

I stepped back again. “Uh no, it’s okay Gerard. I’ll just…come back later.”

He nodded. “Alright, but-” He paused. “It’s the last show you know.” He rubbed the back of his neck, like he was nervous or something. “I...I’d really like you to be there.”

Fuck, why would he say that? My stomach turned. “Yeah I’ll… I’ll be there, I promise.” I blushed.

He smiled. “O-okay, cool.”

I smiled too. Then we just looked at each other - a silence came - but I broke it quickly. “I huh, I’ll see you around…” I walked past him, gently brushing his side, my heart raced like crazy.

“Mia wait!” Gerard yelled - my feet stopped.

I turned around. “Yes?”

“I huh, thought about what you said this morning…” He started, walking towards me again. “About your... parents living in Jersey.”

I squinted - wondering.

“And hum…” He gulped. “I wanted to know if…”

I shook my head. “If what?”

But Gerard kept on walking, he stopped when he was right in front of me. Then he grabbed my hands, his thumbs traced tiny circles inside my palms - but he didn’t look at me. “If you’d like to hum…”

“To what?” I whispered, quivering.

Gerard just breathed heavily, then he lifted his head. He stared at me deeply, puppy eyes and all that shit.

“What is it Gerard?” I urged him - the linger killed me.

He opened his mouth. “I was hum… w-wondering if you’d like to come to-”

But then Ray appeared from the back. “Fuck Gerard! What are you doing?” He exclaimed. “The show’s about to start, we need you right now!” He pulled on him roughly, dragging him along.

“Huh but wait!” Gerard halted.

Ray sighed. “We don’t have time for this!”

“B-but” Gerard stuttered.

“It’s fine Gee! We’ll talk later.” I said. “Just go, your fans are waiting...”

Gerard nodded - a bit sad. “O-okay...” He shrugged, smiling at me poorly. “We’ll talk later.” He gave me one last glance then turned around.

I watched him disappear behind the curtain, wondering what he so desperately wanted to say. But oh well, I’d have to wait. I hurried down the stage, not wanting to get caught by a technician, they seemed pretty stiff around here.

“Mia!” Suko yelled when she saw me - she was sitting on the staircase, smoking. “Where the hell were you? You know I need you, I don’t feel so good.”

“Aw baby, I'm so sorry, my curiosity got a hold of me.” I kneeled down. “Wanna go to the van?”

“No way!” She shook her head. “I wanna watch the damn show!”

“Well I want that too, but they just threw me out.”

“Pff, fuck them, we have the right to be here!” She grunted.

Then the music started - making the both of us jump. A long guitar strum cried out, followed by the clash of drums.

“Argh shit Mia, it started! Come on, just help me stand up! I’ll take care of those fuckheads!” Suko urged.

I chuckled as I lifted her up. “Okay, but I’m counting on you, I don’t wanna get kicked out.”

She rolled her eyes. “Just stop worrying would you? You always have to worry about everything!”

“Ugh I know, I’m a goddamn train wreck.”I said nonchalantly as I grabbed a cigarette. “I can’t help it.”

She punched my arm. “Hey, doesn’t matter.” She chuckled. “Look, I’m a mess too and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, you saved me this morning.”

“Well, you’d done the same for me.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Hm, not so sure about that.”

I poked her stomach. “Hey fuck you!”

“Geez I’m joking!” She chuckled in shock. “Can’t you take a little joke?”

“Tss, your jokes are shit Suko.” I snapped - dragging a puff.

Suko just wrinkled her nose and gave me the tongue, I pushed her away playfully. But then Gerard’s voice blasted from the speakers.

“Shit Mia, we gotta go!” She urged.

“Uh oh my god, okay! Follow me!” I said as I gripped her hand. We hopped back on stage, making sure to stay on the sideline. Hopefully no technician was around. I found a little stool for Suko and settled myself against the curtains. I could enjoy my cigarette and the perfect view I had on Bob’s drum - Gerard stood at the front.

“Alright Selma…” He taunted. “We’ve been in Texas for two days now, we did Dallas yesterday, was fucking rad you know, didn’t know people in the south could be this crazy-” He grinned cockily, loving the screams as he walked around. “So listen up motherfuckers, I hope you’re just as crazy, just don’t push anyone, if someone falls down, you pick ‘em up! Don’t be an asshole!” Gerard kept on walking, teasing some more, but then a dark expression took over him. “ARE YOU FUCKING REAAAADYYY?” Gerard roared - pointing the microphone towards the crowd, he cupped his ear to hear their answer. Screams of delirium travelled through the air, millions of them. But Gerard didn’t seem satisfied. “You’ll gotta do better than that Selma!” He coaxed.

I guess a little provocation was all they needed, because after that, the screams became louder, cries came from the sky, I could feel them in my core. It was like an earthquake, thunder, or even worse. Gerard smirked, he got what he wanted now. He turned around to look at the others, nodding his head - giving the cue. Then he threw himself on his mic stand and started singing.

This was it, we were in hell.

The fire was hot, it burned us, but we fucking liked it.

I watched them play, the sweat gradually soaked their bodies. The crowd jumped, they danced in the evening sun. It was a perfect moment, intense and raw. Gerard spotted me at some point, it was during the song Cemetery Drive. He’d just started singing the first words when he turned his head. His eyes captured me instantly, they pierced at me - my heart leaped. He did that a couple of times throughout the show, always making sure to keep a steady contact until I flinched. I’m pretty sure Suko noticed our little exchange, but she didn’t say anything. Gerard was just so… sexual, so dark, I swear. He moaned like a desperate slut, even skipping lyrics sometimes.

The whole audience lost their shit.

After 3 hours of madness, they finally gave their goodbyes. The crowd wanted more but the band was exhausted. The 5 of them exited the platform, drenched in sweat, panting for air.

“We fucking did it baby!” Frank cheered as he walked by. The others all cheered and tapped their backs as they fled in the shadows of the backstage venue.

Gerard was the last to cross, like always. He brushed my side, subtly nudging my arm - making sure nobody would notice. I trailed off to his figure, back pressed against the curtains, almost diving into them. He just grabbed one of the towels left on a speaker and wiped his face off. Then he smirked, his eyes travelled up my body. I was about to make a fool of myself, blushing like a damn tomato, but gladly a technician came and dragged him away.

I shook my head, ignoring what just happened, the crowd was still crying.

But Suko called, advising me to follow them.

I swallowed my dried mouth, knowing the real madness wasn’t even started yet.

*

-9pm-

The sky was dark, no city lights blinded the stars, the canvas was clear. We were on the field, the naked field - surrounded by tents and different camping spots. We were back in 1969, I swear. All those teenagers around, the musicians, the beautiful girls, the hippies, even the freaks - we all shared the same land, the same space. The night was still young, a large fire crackled in front of me, I was sitting on the ground, it was dirty but I didn’t care. I held a can of cheap beer and sucked on a cigarette, enjoying the moment, taking it all in. Only strangers surrounded me, sounds of laughter and folk music invaded my ears, it was perfect, this night was perfect.

It was all I could ever ask for before going home.

But I still wondered what Gerard wanted to tell me earlier, I kind of ate me up you know? The way he struggled to say the words, he seemed so shy, it couldn’t leave my head. I also couldn’t shake the images of him on stage, the way he looked at me while he sang, suddenly so confident, so bold - adored by thousands of people. It’s like he was 2 different persons all at once, and it disturbed me deeply.

“Mia Lechowski!” A voice called.

I lifted my head - it was Rapha. “Wow shit, Raphael! What are you doing here?”

He wore a motorcycle jacket, his dark curled hair sparked from the fire. “Same thing as you, trashing my face out.” He dropped his butt beside me and exhaled.

“So, how’ve you been?”

Rapha sighed loudly. “Ich bin fix und fertig!” He laughed. “Means I’m exhausted, working like a bitch.”

I nodded. “Ow, got any interviews tonight?”

“Nah, no chance, everybody’s just so wild, it’s hard to keep a conversation, let alone ask questions.”

I laughed silently. “Yeah, I’ve been trying to interview the band the whole night but I couldn’t, the fans and the press are like hungry lions. It’s fucking scary.”

Raphael raised an eyebrow.

“What?” I asked.

“Aren’t you supposed to like... following them all the time?”

I sighed. “Yeah but, it’s not as easy as you think, if they’re not playing, they’re drinking, and if they’re not drinking, well, they’re sleeping.”

He laughed. “Know what you mean, this life, it drains you, not of lot of people can survive it, but you seem like a tough chick.”

“Yeah, I just hope I can make it till the end.” I shot, staring at the fire as I took a sip of beer. It tasted bitter now, flat.

“Aww come ooooon, you know you’ll make it!” Raphael claimed. “I’m here, you’re here, the night is young and we got plenty of booze! Just forget all your problems baby! It’s summertime!” He smiled persuasively, watching me with a sassy look.

I grinned - I really liked this guy. “Yeah, you’re right man.” I said, clashing my beer against his. “To this fucking night- and the art of forgetting.”

“Hm, how splendid.” Raphael winked at me, we shared a complicit look just before chugging down our beers.

***

2 hours went by and the whole world was blurry. I can barely remember how many beers I
drank.

But I drank, a lot. Yeah, nothing new I guess.

The moon appeared bigger than ever, but I wasn’t drunk, more like tipsy, just enough to feel blissful. The music played loudly, some sort of tribal beat with loud percussions, it transcended my body. I joked with strangers, making friends I’d never see again. Some random dude told me every time a big concert happened on this field, people gathered for the night and danced until dawn.

It was like a tradition, some sort of sacred rituals- only for the desperate rock'n'roll lovers.
I wondered where Gerard was though, I hadn’t seen him since the show. I searched for him, eyes scanning in vain. But there were too many people, it was impossible. Suko talked to Ray near the fire, she was sober, it was weird to see her so calm, especially on a night like this. Poor Mikey was passed out in a corner, near a tent, some blonde girl caressed his hair. It was like a festival around here, a damn freak show. I shrugged and laughed to myself, lighting a cigarette for the billionth time.

“Mia! Mia! Come!” Raphael yelled as he threw himself on me.

My eyes widened - he seemed way too excited. “What? What is it?”

“There’s a creek over there, everyone’s going for a swim, you have to come! You have to see this!”

A creek? Shit. “Huh.. I’m not sure!”

Then Frank appeared. “Hey fuckers, ready for a little bathing session? Better come quick!” He shouted as he ran away.

Suddenly dozens of people stumbled past me, all rushing to the same spot.

“Hey come on! Let’s go!” Raphael insisted as he grabbed my hand.

“B-but!” Was the only thing I could say before Raphael started racing, dragging me along with the rest of the crowd.

My heart raced so fast, I couldn’t see anything, I almost fell down. I didn’t even know where we were going, nothing made sense, it was too quick, too crazy. But Raphael led me the way - I held tight unto his grip.

Then my feet stopped, the people stopped- a shiver went down my spine. This wasn’t a joke, there really was a creek, almost like the one in Kansas, but this one was bigger. The water was crystal clear, but they weren’t any trees around. It was a crevasse, buried deep in the ground, lonely, filled up with liquid. But it was real, it was right in my face.

All the strangers began throwing their clothes off, keeping nothing but underwear. Though some of them had no shame and got completely naked. They all jumped into the stream - water splashed everywhere. I heard moans of relief, laughs, screams of joy - hysteria was the right word.

“Hey you’re gonna come, are you?” Raphael asked, bending over to take off his pants.

I blushed from the perfect sight I had of his ass. “Y-yeah, in a minute.”

“Okay.” He winked, now only in his briefs, he had a great body. Then he dived in.

I panted, I was the only one left, fully clothed - looking like a fool as I scanned the scene. Some random guy urged me to take my clothes off. Shit, I wished Suko was there. But fuck it, it was now or never. In a splint of a second, my shirt was over my head, then I kicked my shorts. Leaving me with nothing but a pair of black panties and a bralette. But this all seemed way too familiar, I could still see myself doing the same thing in Kansas. Only this time, dozens of drunken souls waited for me in the water, some even whistled at me. I was like a fucking show - the only girl who didn’t jump in the water.

My pride was gone, so was the sun, and my goddamn reasons.

I don’t believe in god, but I surely said my prayers. I firstly dipped my toe to check the temperature, but this only elicited complaints from everyone. Frank and Rapha watched me - enjoying my torment as they grinned. Even fucking Gerard was there, oh hell, way in the back though, but it was him, I recognized his fucking face.

My ego got hit. “Ow fuck all of you!” I barked before jumping into the water.

Then my body sunk down, I held my breath, everything was wet. I opened my eyes, all I could see were legs, they all waded in quick motion, but it was too dark. I swam my way back up, hitting the surface. My lungs gasped for the missing oxygen. But the water was perfect, it captured my skin and eased my tensions, I felt liberated.

I didn't dare to join the others, though.

I didn't want to.

I just leaned against the shore and contemplated the big darken sky. It smelled like wet mud with a mix of wet grass, just like the soil after the rain. I loved that smell. And I swear, the stars were just so beautiful that night, I abandoned myself without any resistance. Without any second thought. I was in my own little bubble, peaceful at last, just hoping no one would find me.

The melody of the crickets soothed me, tingling my ears. You know? That sweet summer sound. Of course it was a bit fucked because of all the crazy naked people behind me, but still, I focused on the crickets.

But being peaceful is not something I should get used to.

“You’re alone again.”

The backlash of the voice behind me made me jump - I whirled around - it was Gerard. But I knew it though, I recognized his wasted velvet tone. His chin was completely submerged by the water, the liquid brushed his bottom lip. His hair was slicked back, sticking on his scalp and his eyeliner was just a black carnage.

“I uh, like being alone.” I mumbled.

He stared at me, not moving, but then he smirked. “Yeah, kinda noticed that.”

I frowned even though I smiled.

“The water’s great, isn’t it?” He asked, swimming towards me.

My back pushed against the border without realizing it. “Y-yeah, it’s... refreshing.”

Gerard hummed a short laugh. “It was quite a shock you know, when you threw your clothes away, you’re pretty wild when you want it.”

I sniggered. “It’s just the peer-pressure, makes you do stupid things.”

He grinned again. “That’s true, but coming from you it’s…” He searched for the right words. “...surprising.”

I rolled my eyes. “Tss, you think I’m all naive and innocent... but you don’t have a damn clue Gerard."

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh... trust me Lechowski, I know you’re not a saint...”

I hushed a laugh, he smiled teasingly.

Then Gerard’s figure lifted in the water, exposing his shoulders, he wasn’t wearing any shirt, he was barely nude, like the rest of us. I gasped but tried to muffle it - he heard it though, his eyes lightened up.

I gulped. “So hum…Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“Yeah, actually, there is.” He kept on swimming until he was right in front of me.

“And what is it?”

Gerard frowned, his face flushed. “Hum…” He was back at it again, the stutter and the hesitation, all of it.

“Ugh, please Gerard just tell me. I’ve been wondering all night...”

“It’s a question actually.”

“Well just ask it then!”

“O-okay, well, I know you said your parents lived in Jersey.” He started, voice quiet and prudent. “And hum…I-I was just wondering… since you- you know, h-have family there… and well, since I live there too, we could hum-”

I sighed. “Gerard for christ’s sake, just fucking s-”

“Do you wanna come to Jersey with me?” He cut me quickly, so quick I couldn’t even process his words.

I frowned. “What?”

His blush deepened. “W-well, you know-” He swallowed. “Since we didn’t have the time to do an interview, I figured it’d be a good... opportunity...”

I blinked. “Hum…”

“But it’d be just for the interview!” He babbled hurriedly.

I didn’t saying anything.

Gerard noticed it, nodding in disappointment. “But I understand if y-”

“No!” I snapped. “It’s a great idea, I’d love to come to Jersey with you. I-I mean, I’d love to- do the interview, with you.”

His eyes sparked up, he smiled. “Y-yeah, yeah of course, just for the interview, nothing else.”

I nodded. “O-okay.”

“It’ll be all professional, just like you want it.” He swam closer again. “Just like the enemy wants it.” He raised an eyebrow.

Okay, he was way too close now.

“Tsss, shut up!” I whined as I splashed water on his face, hoping he'd get away.

But Gerard groaned from the sudden move, eyes shut as he spit the water out. Then his eyes flared at me, deviantly. I saw his hand aiming towards the water. He had no mercy.

I had no time to breathe when a huge wave entered my mouth.

I gasped and choked. "S-shit- shit you fucking prick!”

Gerard just giggled mockingly, dashing more water on me. “Hey you started it!”

I shrieked and laughed uncontrollably, but I struck back, splashing an infinite amount of water on him, I was ruthless.

“Aarh Mia- Mia stop!” He pleaded, shielding his face.

But I didn’t stop.

But I should have.

Gerard groaned as he jumped on me. He quickly grabbed my wrists and pinned me against the shore. I gasped loudly - my soul was stuck in my throat now. I was still out of breath from laughing and splashing, and so was he. We just stared at each other, faces soaked, not saying a damn word.

"Are you... are you scared of me?" He asked, breathing heavily.

I panted, this was like a flashback from the creek, the way he held me like that, capturing me with his hands, with his being. He terrified me back then, but not this time, no, this time I wasn’t scared.

I shivered. “No.”

He smirked. “Good."

Then his fingers started travelling up my arms, really really slowly. He didn't scratch me though, he just caressed my skin. His touch was like a feather, careful and light, it almost tickled me. But then I gasped. Gerard's hands just reached my shoulders, he applied a light pressure on them, pushing me harder against the shore, against the cool mud.

But again, his touch was soft, as if he knew this was risky, but the fucker dared anyway.

Gerard's eyes were locked on my lips now, he stared at them, kinda hungrily. We didn't blink for awhile, only our breathing spoke. Then his pretty face moved closer. My head instinctively pulled back. I felt the mud of the border invading my hair, how fucking moist it was.

"G-gerard" I quivered, voice way too quiet, way too weak. It did nothing to stop him.

Fuck.

I think he was about to kiss me now.

Was he?

I really think he was.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Why Gerard, why? We agreed not to do this anymore. Your memory is so fucking short.

I wanted to do something but I couldn’t- I was frozen, trapped again. The people around us didn’t exist anymore, but nobody saw us, nobody cared, we were erased within the chaos. Gerard’s lips parted, way too close now. Shit, this was so wrong, what the fuck were we doing again? What the fuck was he doing? I couldn’t let myself be seduced again. I couldn’t let that happen. We were drunk again. Mindless again.

“I huh-” I breathed out, shaking. “The water’s getting cold.” I pushed him away.

Gerard twitched, immediately moving back, he frowned too.

I swallowed and shifted around, hopping my arms over the shore to lift my body up.

“You’re leaving?” He asked from behind.

My knees swayed in the mud, I stood up, struggling a little. Then I searched for my clothes. “Y-yeah, I’m tired.” I spotted my shorts, they laid in a puddle, they were dirty as hell.

Then I heard Gerard come out of the water, I freaked out. I didn't bother to put my clothes on, I just walked away, straight into the darkness, into the vastness of the field; in my fucking underwear.

“Mia goddammit wait!” Gerard howled from the back.

“It’s getting late Gerard, I need to get some sleep!” I was running now - I didn’t care.

"Argh Mia! Just wait for me!" Gerard roared, his voice became clearer, he was chasing me. Then I felt a slight pinch on my back - he just poked it. "Why do you-" He tried saying, out of breath. "Why do you always run away?"

I stopped, finally looking at him. Gerard was only in his boxers, they stuck on his thighs, water slid down his legs. He held a pile of clothes in his hands, just like me.

I held back a blush. "I'm not running away." I lied. "I just.. I need to get some sleep."

He raised an eyebrow. “It’s because of what happened, isn’t it?”

I really tried not to focus on his pale but perfect body. “N-no.”

“Mia, I’m not dumb.”

“Well maybe just a little, we’re supposed to be friends Gerard, remember?” I struggled to say. “Not… this.”

He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry okay? It won’t happen again, we just-’ He paused. “Stuff like that happens between us and we can’t help it.”

I sighed too. “Don’t be sorry, it’s pointless.”

“But I am, I just- I can’t help it you know... with you it’s like I can’t-” He stopped, held back by something, anger or regret. I couldn't tell yet. Gerard growled through his teeth, running a rough hand through his soaked hair.

I trembled as I understood what he really meant. “I-it’s okay Gee...”

He flushed, looking down. “Yeah…whatever you know." He sniffed. "I don’t wanna fight with you anymore, I’m tired of it.” His voice cracked.

My stomach turned, he was adorably poignant. I didn’t know what to do but I really wanted to helped him. I just walked up to him carefully, my hand cupped his cold and wet cheek. “Me too.”

Gerard moaned softly, throbbing against my touch. He rubbed his cheek on my palm as he closed his eyes, like a helpless little boy in a desperate need of touch.

“S-should we hum… get back?” I asked him.

He nodded, lifting his head. “M’yeah.”

We both walked side by side silently, our bare feet crushed in the dirt, staining our toes. Gerard was thoughtful, he was thinking about stuff. I could see it all in his face, from the way he bit his lip, or how his eyebrows furrowed a little. I couldn't help but wonder again.

We just bypassed the fire camp, the tents, the people, leaving the noisy world behind us as we wandered the dunes. The cool wind blew the water from our unclad bodies - I shivered from it.

After 5 minutes or walking into total emptiness, we finally spotted the vehicles in the distance. Gerard followed me to the van. I was leading the pace when I stopped, then I pressed my back against the van. Gerard was facing me, watching me. I knew my body was exposed for all the world to see, but I had no shame.

Then he spoke, eyes surfacing my bare skin. “Hum, goodnight I guess.”

“Yeah, goodnight.”

He bit his lower lip, blushing slightly. “I’m glad you’re coming you know, to Jersey.”

I chuckled silently. “I’m glad you asked me.”

Gerard simply smiled, then he crawled towards me. I wanted to step back but I couldn’t because of the van. He stared at me deeply, like he was about to do something, I could see it, from the way he looked at me. The moon reflected on his face, exposing his features. His lips were pink but not quite, kinda red, a little wet too, or you could say juicy; swollen. His bruises hadn’t healed yet, they contrasted perfectly within the cream of his skin - fucking porcelain it was.

It shattered me, his beauty shattered me and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Only a thin gap separated us now.

“Gerard we-”

But I was cut quickly - gasping. Gerard pressed a kiss on my forehead, it was long, breathy, sincere. I felt like I was about to faint but at the same time, it made me feel alive. His mouth was warm, so damn warm. I closed my eyes for a second, absorbing his touch. His hand held the back of my head, he deepened his move and I moaned softly- he moaned too. Then he broke the kiss, he tucked a strand behind my ear, eyes telling me it was okay, that we shouldn't worry anymore, that I could trust him. Maybe.

"I'll see you tomorrow Lechowski." He murmured just before...just before walking away and leaving me helpless.

I didn’t say anything back - I couldn’t. I touched the spot he just kissed, holding on tight to it.

This guy was like was an angel from hell, the dream I could never have - giving me the best and the worst of all that could ever be, all that ever was; all that never will.

But I guess I was fine.

Yeah, I really was.

I swear.

Notes

god that was long. I was asking myself a lot of questions the past week, I needed some time to think and process my story, things are evolving quick and it scares me, I had a lot of doubts. Plus I can't write when my head is too full you know? anyway, I do hope the wait was worth it though, new things are coming...