No sound.

Apart from the echo of the music that plundered the walls, or the hassle of the voices in my head. There was nothing. His saliva coated my neck, it tingled me still. I felt empty and turned on, it was so fucking strange.

I squeezed my eyes. "Ow fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" I repeated to myself as I held my head spinning head.

Then I noticed the wet ground below me, the white tiles, not looking so white after all. My jeans literally sunk in the dirt, my palms and my knees were covered in muck. Though I didn't noticed it until now - not until he left me. It's almost as if whenever Gerard was there, my mind barely realized the rest. All the people, all the noises, the garbage, the blood, or even the weather, it's like they didn't exist anymore. Like the other time, when we were in the parking lot, the morning after I tucked him to sleep. He chased me around and it was raining, flooding like madness. But as soon as he came up to me, as soon as I looked into his eyes, the heavy drops didn't bother me anymore. I could just stay there, talk to him, argue with him, hurricane or sunshine, dirty ground or sheets, bitter or happy.

I know I always ran away.

But the reason I did was because I so wanted to stay.

And now to top it off, I knew he wanted me. He said it, with his own mouth. The same one that crooks on the side when he speaks, the same one that kissed my neck and felt so damn good against my own. Gerard held on tight to me even though I pushed him back. He read between my lines and reached for the thin space of hope I had dropped on the way. What started out as a game was now evolving into something I didn't understand. Something fucked up, careless and chaotic.

And that scared the living shit out of me.

I had to get out here, before drowning in a pool of heed. Before my mind replay the scene and doubts consume my soul. I stood on my feet, as shaky as they were, gripping the sink to lift my body. Then I splashed some water on my face just before exiting the bathroom. I felt like I've just escaped a black hole. I just threw myself in the corridor, the background noise of the techno music got louder as I approached the main room. I flipped the second door opened and stepped in the turmoil. People were still dancing. The candles that lighted the table were now melted, dried wax aired aimlessly on the cloth. The spotlights of the dance floor flashed even more - making it hard to feel sober again. Shades of white and purple beclouded the room. I tried to spot Gerard or Alicia, but it was all in vain.

I then accidentally bumped into Frank and Ray who drank whisky at the bar. Old Pierce was there too, stomach pressed against the counter. His voice was loud and grouchy, he was dead drunk and babbled things that seemed like words. Some things like "shit" and "fuck" and "cock" and "fucker" and "pussy" and "tits". Yeah, that gives you an idea...

"Hey Mia!" Frank cheered when he saw me wandering around. "You okay there? You look smashed." He chuckled.

I blinked a few times, eyes searching for Gerard and Alicia. "Huh yeah, yeah it's just the..." I panted - grabbing my forehead. "The booze, the music, all t-the-" Fuck man, I couldn't even speak. I was tripping deep.

Frank glared at my confusion. "Whoa, d'you wanna sit down?" He stood up and pointed me his seat. "Have a glass of water or something."

"Y-yeah, okay, thank you Frank." I accepted his kind offer and sat on his seat. I had to chill before doing anything stupid - my impulsive temper never got me far.

"Hey Ginger!" Frank called the woman behind the counter. "Can you give a glass of water to my friend? She doesn't feel so good."

"Sure thing honey!" Ginger told Frank as she smiled a wicked smile - her teeth were crooked and yellow and her lipstick was all over the place. "What's the matter darling? Having a rough time?"

I shrugged. "Nah I'm fine, too many bubbles, that's all." I reassured her, trying to smile.

Frank tapped my back. "Hmmm, yeah, this life's a bitch Mia." He sighed, glancing at the inside of his glass as he laughed silently. "Every night I swear to myself it'll be my last drink, and just before I know, I'm back into another shit-hole like this, sucking every last drop." He grunted just before chugging down his whisky, he exhaled in disgust when he finished. "No offence Ginger."

"None taken sweetheart!" Ginger winked as she handed me the water. "If you ask me, this place's way worse than a shit-hole..." Everyone laughed at her remark, even Pierce joined the conversation.

"Well-well-well, look who's talkin' again! Braggin' yer lil' mouth when mah back's turned on yah!" He joked.

"Oh shut up Pierce! You're not the one cleaning the mess when the party's over!" Ginger snapped.

"Well that's what yer paid for woman!"

"Hah! I do way more than what I'm paid for and you know that, yeh filthy son a bitch!"

"Hmmm, that's cuz yah love me too much Gingy!"

I watched Pierce and Ginger argue as the icy water slid down my throat - I haven't realized how much I needed it until now - it felt really good. I drank the whole thing then showed my empty glass to Ginger.

"Another one darling?"

I nodded quickly. "Yes please."

"So, feeling better?" Frank asked. "Sorry for these two, they're always like that." He confessed, a bit overwhelmed.

"It's okay." I laughed. "I think they're pretty funny."

Frank rolled his eyes. "M'yeah, crazy people are always funny at first, but then you realize you're one of them and get why you were laughing all this time."

I chuckled at his melodramatic attitude. "Damn Frankie, you're getting deep tonight.."

"Meh." He groaned. "It's that fucking whisky, makes me too real, too deep, I feel like an old man." He burped. "Sorry man..."

I laughed. "Well maybe you should go for water? What do you say?"

Frank wrinkled his nose and grimaced a little. "M'yeah maybe." He wondered. "Argh but fuck it! Ginger!" He whistled. "Another one!"

I shook my head in disbelief. "Fucking Frankie..."

But Frank threw me an innocent smile, eyes barely opened. It was impossible to be mad at this guy, I swear.

We both talked and teased while waiting for a our glasses. Once I got it, I drank it as fast as the other one. The alcohol finally came down, my mind got clear and my vision less blurry. Also my body stopped quivering. I looked around to see what was going on, Suko was still on the dance floor - probably drunker than ever. But Gerard and Alicia were nowhere to be seen - no sign of a raven boy in sight, neither of a walking goddess. A little panic raised inside of me, I really needed to know what happened. After all, it was also my fault, I was as guilty as Gerard.

Argh. I fucking needed to find him.

I wanted to ask Frank or Ray but they were busy talking. They told the story about when the fans chased us at the hotel, I already knew the scoop so I faked like I was interested. Once they paused, I sneaked in my question - hoping it wouldn't be too obvious. But judging by their lack of sobriety, I think my chances were good.

I cleared my throat. "Huh, listen Frank..." I muttered. "Have you seen Gerard? Or Alicia?"

"Hmmm..." He pondered for a second. "I don't know, he was dancing earlier, but I haven't seen him for a while. Think Alicia went downstairs."

My eyes sparked up. "Oh? When?"

"Huh...few minutes ago, before you came in." He shrugged. "Can't remember."

"Did you see Gerard following her?"

He squinted. "Uuuhhh yeah, maybe, I think so, I'm not sure..."

"O-okay, but that's fine. Thank you." I said just as I stood up.

Frank puzzled me. "Where are you going? Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah, just going out for a smoke, I need to get out of here."

"Alright, but be careful, come back if you-" He hiccuped. "n-need anything."

I smiled warmly, he was so sweet it almost hurt my heart. "I will, don't worry. Thank you Frankie." I hugged him quickly and went off.

"Oh and Mia!" He called just as I turned away - I looked back, questioning him. "If you ever come back and I'm passed out, just kick me in the balls, that'll do it!"

"Argh shut up Frank!" Ray retorted as he stole his glass - eliciting a few complaints from him. "You had enough for tonight!"

I caught myself laughing at them a bit longer than I should just before rushing to the staircase. I skipped through the dance floor, Suko saw me and yelled nonsense but I ignored her. No time to deal with wasted people - I've had my share. I just hurried down the stairs, the same weird smell invaded my nose. I got outside before blinking twice. It was pitch dark, no breeze caressed my body. Just a deep, humid summer night that ripped the sweat out of you. The air was so heavy, it loathed my shoulders, almost suffocating me. The temperature had risen so high, even the crickets screamed for help.

I checked everywhere, eyes darting back and forth, all I could see were the parked vehicles or the cars passing by. I took my jacket off and strapped it around my waist, it was so fucking hot I swear. I didn't even know where to look, maybe they were in the bus, but I doubted it.

Oh man, I was panicking again.

But why? Why was I panicking? There was nothing...

Absolutely nothing...

Or...

Maybe not...

No...

I... I heard something... a voice, high pitched.

It came for the other side of the building. It was screeching, almost like crying. I followed the sound, my breath got louder as the voice became clearer. It was Alicia, I recognized her tone. But it was hard to know because of the noise coming from the street. I slid across the bricks, dogging the footsteps that led me to the source. Then I stopped because I was at the end.
I turned to the right, entering the back alley.

Dumpsters longed the walls, a flood-lamp stood above - shining the asphalt.

And then I saw them - 2 silhouettes - one of them was pressed against the wall - the other one was moving around. I kneeled down and continued my way, making sure to stay invisible as I hid behind a trash can.

Oh man. It didn't look good. They were fighting over something.

"No fuck you! Fuck you! You promised me the world Gerard! You told me loved me!"

"No! That's not true! I never said that!"

I walked a bit closer to hear properly - crawling ever so slightly.

"But.. but what about all the times you held me? All the times we made love? Didn't that mean anything to you?" Alicia whined, running to cup Gerard's face but he pushed her back. "Please don't tell me it didn't..."

"It did..." Gerard sighed. "At the time...but-"

"But what? You don't want me anymore? I'm not good enough for you?" She wailed, desperately clinging onto him.

"Argh fuck Alicia stop it!" Gerard barked through his teeth - fiddling with his wild hair. "I can't think!"

"Huh! You... you want her... is that it? Is that what you want?" She cried as she gasped. "That bitch over there? That fucking slut!"

Gerard took a deep breath. "Alicia, stop... you're not helping me here."

"I knew it, you fucking piece of shit! You fucked me this morning and now you run into her arms! What's your fucking deal Gerard?" She yelled and moved around in complete panic. "You disgust me!"

"Oh fuck you Alicia! You were the one begging me to fuck you!" Gerard screamed as he glared at her furiously. "It's all you ever want anyway! You don't give a shit about me, o-or my life! When was the last time we had a real conversation? Heh?"

"Oh so I should feel sorry for you because we had sex? Why don't you get a fucking therapist if you need to talk!"

"Ugh, you're so fucking empty..."

"Well go on then! Go find your slut, tell her your problems so she can make you feel good about yourself! I bet she won't even last a fucking day!"

Gerard growled. "She's not a slut!"

"Oh well!" She scoffed. "Whatever you wanna call her, she's a fucking loser anyway!"

Gerard laughed bitterly. "You're so pathetic, look at you! You just hate her because unlike you, she doesn't need sex to keep me around!"

Alicia was speechless now - her face flushed - breaking into a million pieces. But Gerard just stared at her - not even flinching.

"S-so... y-you really want her? You don't want me anymore?" She sobbed out.

Gerard didn't say anything - he opened his mouth but closed it right away. I gasped because of how nervous I was. But since I'm a wild case of failure, Alicia heard me.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

What could I do?

I was trapped.

I couldn't go back, they would see me.

Alicia turned her head, eyes intrigued - searching for the sound. Then she started walking straight towards me, I was being hunted. Gerard just looked around, confused as hell.

But it didn't take long before Alicia found me.

"Huh? Well look who's here! Spying on us! The fucking rat!" Alicia claimed - I was kneeled down beside the dumpster, an embarrassed look plastered on my face.

"Huh.." I quivered.

"Well come on! Get up!" She urged me, grabbing my arm roughly as she pulled me up. I growled at her intensity. "We're gonna clear things up! For once and for all!" She grunted as she dragged me to Gerard, finally letting me go- I almost fell down.

Gerard eyes widened - questioning me. "Mia? What the fuck?"

I gulped. "I huh- I just... I just...I didn't mean to stalk you guys, I swear! But then you guys were fighting and it was so intense and I couldn't-"

"It's okay, don't worry." Gerard stopped me, halting me with his hand.

"Okay... well, now that everyone's here, we can cut the bullshit." Alicia crossed her arms.

I glared at her. "What bullshit?"

"I don't know, but Gerard does." She stared at him crucially. "It's simple, you just have to choose. It's either me... or her."

Gerard frowned, eyes switching between Me and Alicia. "Huh..."

"Come on." She urged.

"L-listen, w-we don't have to do this..." I stuttered, really not digging the whole situation.

Alicia sighed. "Yes we have! Come on, Gerard, say it! Me, or her."

Gerard's mouth was opened wide, but no sound was coming out. He stared at me as if I could save him. I just shook my head, hurrying him to say something.

"I huh...it's-" He was stuck into his own thoughts. "It's...."

Alicia leaned closer, eager to hear his answer.

"Its..." But Gerard stopped again. He started walking back and forth, battling with his hair.

Fucking hell. This was real torture, a total nightmare. Gerard peeked at the both of us as he wondered. The waiting was unbearable, agonizing my nerves and patience. I could feel Alicia twitch beside me, she was on the verge of exploding.

"URGH GODDAMMIT SAY IT GERARD!"

"IT'S HER!" Gerard screamed at the top of his lungs- so freaking loudly as he practically jumped on her. "THERE I SAID IT!"

I gasped.

What the fuck?

How could he...

"You mean... her?" Alicia asked in confusion, pointing at me. My face flushed.

Gerard sighed and glanced down. "Yeah..."

Oh my god. I was frozen. I couldn't believe he said me.

Alicia started crying. "You fucking asshole, I thought you loved me... I really thought you did..." She ripped her ring out and threw in his face - Gerard skirted from it.

"I'm sorry Alicia." He murmured in shame.

"Oh just shut up! Just forget about me!" She replied, then she glared at me. "I hope you're happy now! Got what you wanted heh? You little bitch..."

Those were the last words Alicia told me that night. Then she ran away, her high-heels clashed on the asphalt. Leaving me alone with him. All alone.

Me and Gerard just stayed there, immobile, in the middle of the night. Completely shook from what just happened. We stared at each other for a while, I was blushing and shaking, it was so weird. Gerard seemed shy, but also sad. I finally dared to say something when he turned his back on me.

"Gerard..."

He sighed.

"Gerard I..." I paused, I was so lost, the words wouldn't come out. "Why did you choose me?"

He didn't say anything.

"Please" I insisted, reaching him.

"Because..." He finally muttered. "Y-you... you care." His voice was so soft, it ripped me apart.

"Fuck.. Gerard I..."

"You see me for who I am, but she doesn't, she never did..." Gerard sniffed his nose as he shifted around to look at me.

His hair was all over his face, his bruises worse than ever. God, he looked so fucking damaged, like a little puppy who just got beaten up. I wanted to reach out to him but I was hold back by something. It was this thing inside of me, some sort of fear. I was so scared, I swear. I couldn't quit his eyes, though. They stared right into my soul and it killed me.

"I'm so sorry Gee..." I whispered.

"No, don't be..."

"But it was a stupid idea!" I cried out. "Alicia loves you..."

"But I don't love her." He said, his accent as thick as ever.

"But..."

"I prefer you." He mumbled as he tried to grab my hands, but I pulled them back. "What? What did I do wrong again?"

"Argh, you just-" I bit my lip as I stepped back. "...you can't say things like that to me Gerard."

He frowned. "Why? I'm just being honest..."

I shook my head. "But you don't understand, I have rules to follow."

He squinted. "Rules?"

"Yes, but I can't stick to them! Not when you kiss me, o-or say that you want me..." I quivered - voice torn-up. "...not when you look at me like that."

His face flushed in sorrow. "Ow..."

"Ugh, it's just so hard Gerard, you have no idea."

"I'm...I'm sorry Mia." He murmured, looking down.

My heart leaped. "No, it's not your fault..."

His eyes suddenly flared at me. "Yes it is! How can it not be?" Gerard screeched, all agitated now. "I shouldn't have done these things... I shouldn't have kissed you."

I panted - I hated to see him like this. "It's not what I meant..."

"M-maybe you're right, Mia, maybe it was a mistake."

"Argh! Gerard stop!"

"No! It's fine! We, we can pretend like it never happened, if that's what you want..."

"But it's not what I want!" I groaned.

Gerard leaned closer a bit, eyes in despair, searching for mine. He then cupped my chin with shaky fingers. I quivered as he looked at me deeply. "But what do you want, Mia? I don't understand, I-I don't understand you..."

"Ugh.." I moaned in pain. "We just... we c-can't be together, not like this."

Gerard just stared at me, trying to read my face. Then he sighed and let go of me, he seemed disappointed, hurt.

"Gerard..."

He sighed again. "It's okay, I get it. I don't want you to get in trouble because of me."

I closed my eyes. "Argh, fuck, I'm so sorry."

"Don't." He glanced down and shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's fine..."

"But... can we still be friends?" I asked - hoping to god he wouldn't reject me.

Gerard hesitated for a while, biting his lower lip. "Y-yeah." He shrugged. "If you want me around..."

"Of course I fucking do! I always want you around..."

Gerard looked at me perplexed. I could still see the sadness in his eyes, his lips wanted to smile but they wouldn't. Fuck. I just wanted to hug him. I needed to smell him.

"C-can I hug you? I really need to hug you right now." I desperately said without thinking.

Gerard frowned for a second - unsure.

"Please... I-I..." I stuttered. "I need to hold you..."

"Aw fuck Mia..." Gerard moaned as he shoved me into his arms - his leather sleeves wrapped me up tightly. "What do you do to me..."

I snugged my head against his chest and closed my eyes - my hands gripped his lower back underneath his jacket - I could feel his skin. He smelled so bad but so good at the same time. It was the best scent in the world. Gerard placed his head on top of mine, I was finally at peace.

"Please don't hate me... I need you." I murmured, mouth pressed on his shirt - Gerard held me even tighter.

"I can't hate you..." He whispered.

We just stayed like that, trembling within each other, knowing we wanted more, knowing we couldn't.

"HEY LOVE BIRDS WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?" A scream came from afar.

We both turned our heads - it was Frank.

"WE'RE ALL LEAVING! I SUGGEST YOU COME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN THE DUMPSTERS!"

We both laughed shyly.

"Think we should go..." Gerard mumbled in my hair - still hugging me.

"Yeah..." I breathed - not wanting to let him go, but I eventually did.

We both walked side by side silently, bypassing the trash cans until reaching the parking lot. Gerard joined Frank immediately. Suko was already in the van, I could see her. I sauntered towards our blue vehicle but then I heard his voice again.

"Lechowski!"

I turned around - Gerard was only a few meters away.

We stared at each other for a little while, but then he smiled, it was a sad smile, but he still smiled. "...goodnight." He said.

I smiled at him but didn't answer - I just hopped in the van.

My heart was so damn heavy that night.

Notes

writing this was painful - but things will get sweeter as they go