Last time we talked, I believe I was in the desert and pretty damn lost too. I roasted under the afternoon sun as I waited for Gerard to disappear. Then I made my way back to the van, steps lazy and reluctant. I just stalled at the others to end their frisbee contest. Anything to keep my mind away. I opened the trunk and sat on the edge. I revised my notes carefully as I bit the tip of my pencil.

This went on for a good 45 minutes, until Alicia and Gerard came out the bus. It was weird because they were laughing - as if Gerard was a total new person now. Like our last conversation never happened, as if his weak little voice didn't break into pieces an hour ago.

Alicia went down the stairs backwards, her warm giggle resonated in my ears as she pulled on Gerard's shirt to make him come down. She snugged against him the second he touched the ground. I really wanted to ignore them but I couldn't, because they were right in my face. The pen that stood under my teeth cracked when she grabbed his neck to shove him closer and the ink of my notes also spread on my hand as it crinkled the paper. I can't lie, it gave me a few spasms. It teased my very core, and he knew that.

Then Gerard looked at me and did the exact thing I thought we would, he smirked. Yeah, his fucking fearless smirk - the one that drove me crazy. He had killing eyes and they harped on me - the same ones he wore on stage when you think he's possessed by a demon. Then? Well, he started kissing her, like painfully slowly, and swirling his tongue around hers so damn vulgarly. His fingers clawed on her skin, making her shirt crumble up. Then Alicia gripped his hair firmly and Gerard thrusted his waist forward, humping her on the bus as he grabbed her thigh. Alicia squeaked from the sudden move but was cut off quickly when Gerard attacked her neck.

And... I think he growled.

Yeah, the fucker growled.

But something else caught my attention, Gerard wore a different shirt. It made me wonder you know. No need to specify the details, I mean, we all fucking know they didn't bake rainbow cookies back there. More like; baking rainbows out of each other, if you know what I mean.

No? OKAY I SWEAR I'LL STOP.

Oh well...

Torture channel was on my friends, volume high up and no chance to shut it down.

This was a test, he wanted to break me. But I didn't, it was damn hard but I fucking didn't. Guess heavens were to blame, that's for sure. I just frowned away and hoped in the van. I turned the stereo on - so fucking loud he could hear it. I put the song Master Of Puppets from Metallica, the sound made my ears bleed- but oh, how comforting that was.

End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your death's construction
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Gerard wanted to make me pay. My lies had pained his heart. But fuck it, I was ready.

Ready for his bombs, ready for his shots.

'Cause my fucking gun was loaded too.

*

Smirnoff Music Center, Dallas, Texas

-6.30pm-

We were back in the chaos of the outdoor venues. Our van parked in the hindquarters behind the stage. Same thing, same old. Kids were running around, all the shows had started awhile ago. Rock music plundered the atmosphere, hooking us into dreamland again.

Guess we wasted too much time in the desert because now, the boys had only 30 minutes to get on stage. Suko joined them as soon as we parked, but I didn't go. She asked me why of course - I just said I needed to work. Which was true, I always had to work. And I figured Gerard would be better off alone, or better off without me at least - just like I was without him.

I heard most of the show from the van, not even bothered to get out. But I caught myself singing the lyrics from time to time. Gerard's voice was on fire that night.

It was 9pm now. We were lost in a mix of weak daylight and a heavy indigo gloom. Some sort of degraded of blues. And it was pretty.

I decided to leave when Helena started to play, I could never resist that song.

I slammed the van's door open and got out, leaving the parking lot behind me as I walked towards the chaos, sound of the crowd waking me up. Then I showed my pass to the security guards and hopped on stage. I settled myself beside a large speaker and watched them from afar. Alicia was just in front of me, observing Gerard in awe. But then I sneezed and god forbid, she noticed me. She just shifted around and gave me the dirty look. It was nasty.

"Mia? Right?" She crossed her arms, barely smiling.

"Uh yeah." I yelled over the music, still focused on the band more than her.

She nodded and examined me for a while, then she cleared her throat. "What were you doing last night? In the bus?"

I frowned. "Last night?" I sniggered. "Just helping your bleeding boyfriend I guess..."

She walked up to me. "M'yeah, at least you know he's my boyfriend..."

I moved my head because she was blocking me the view. The show was just about to end and the boys were killing it. "So what's your point here?"

"Just making sure you know what's yours, and what's not." She sassed.

I ended up looking at her because she was right in my face - I rolled my eyes. "Gerard's not your property Alicia, I'm here for professional reasons, just stay out of my work space."

"Oh, so watching him sing is work for you? What other stuff's considered work then?"

I shook my head and sighed. "Look Alicia, if you're so worried to lose him, maybe try showing up next time he needs you."

Alicia scowled at my remark, she didn't like it, at all. Then I felt a sharp tug. Her finger was on my collarbone and she yanked me against the speaker - I gasped. "Listen there lady, I don't trust your face. Ever since you showed up Gerard's been acting all different with me. But I'm not gonna let some pathetic reporter steal him away!"

"Geez! Calm down Alicia!"

Oh but she wasn't having it, her eyes, they wanted to kill me. "You see this ring?" She waved her hand in front of my eyes; a silver ring sparked on her index finger.

"Huh yeah?"

"Gerard gave me that ring! He gave it to me! That's how much he loves me!"

I groaned. "Fuck I get it! Just let me go!"

"Don't come near him, he's mine, and mine only. Got it?" She barked as the crowd cheered louder in the back.

She kept me still for awhile, targeting the white of my eyes. But when the band walked out and headed straight towards us, she quickly let go of me and acted all innocent again. I grunted as I rubbed the soft spot she'd just poked with her nails.

"Miaaaaa you came!" Frank breathed out, he was exhausted. He poked my shoulder as he passed by. Ray Mikey and Bob followed.

I bumped my head at them and faked a smile, seriously, I was still in shock. Alicia was one crazy stubborn bitch. I tried to regain my calm and I grabbed a cigarette.

Gerard was the last to remain, as always. He poured water down his head and panted for the air to come back to his lungs. His face was soaked and pretty red, typical post stage Gerard. Alicia joined his side immediately. I was just about to leave but Gerard's subtle grin caught me off guard, it was filled with ambiguity.

"The enemy." He shot as he walked past me, raising an eyebrow.

"Gerard" I acknowledged, dragging a long and deadly puff.

"You liked the show?" He taunted as he wrapped an arm around Alicia's shoulders. His other hand slicked his hair back.

"It was okay." I snapped.

Gerard responded with a dry laugh and a cocky look that he let pierce through me as he went off. I rolled my eyes at them, back pressed against the speaker. I cursed when the coil of my cigarette burned my lips. Yeah, that's how much I was sucking that shit.

Oh well fuck it. Seriously, I didn't care anymore, I was sick of feeling like crap. I had made my choice, and he made his, apparently.

After that, I don't know what took over me, but I made my way in front of the crowd. I left the shadows of the venues, and stepped in the open area. As soon as the people saw me, their screams became louder. Probably thinking it was one of the guys. I just gave two middle fingers in the air and smiled. They all went nuts. And wow, the sensation was incredible. All these people drowning the horizon, it was better than drugs, better than life itself. But then a security guard spotted me and started running after me. I waved one last time at the crowd and got the hell out. They all cheered for me as I escaped- I was pissing myself.

Nothing mattered anymore, after sadness and anger, madness was next.

*

I was chilling with Suko on a chair, she'd just talk on the phone with Erika so we discussed some details about the article. The band wandered around, many people were there but I wasn't paying attention. Well, not until Ray came up to us, looking all smiley and all.

"Hey girls, we're all heading to this sushi bar, wanna join? Some friend of ours owns the restaurant and he's closing the place for us."

Suko's eyes widened, she loved the VIP shit. "Uh'fuck yeah man! I'm down for sushi! Mia you're coming right? Don't tell me you have to work or else I'm slapping you."

Ray chuckled loudly and looked at me, waiting for my answer. Okay, I knew Gerard and Alicia would be there but like I said, I didn't care anymore.

"Uh yeah, yeah of course! Totally in guys!" I exclaimed. "Kind of hungry too."

Ray smiled and nodded. "Okay awesome." He exhaled as he pressed his hand on his hips.

"Let's go then! You're both taking the van or what?"

"Yeah, we'll just follow, like always." Suko replied.

We both stood up and parted ways - we hoped in the van and waited for the bus to take away. We drove on the boulevard for a good 20 minutes, stopping at signals here and there. It was dark outside so the only things in sight were the flashing beams of the nightclubs and bars. We all ended up in some shady parking lot. The restaurant looked like a little motel, orange gloom came from the windows and a blue sign said SUSHI 24H on it. It seemed pretty cozy, but a little creepy.

The band was pacing in front of me and Suko. We approached the edifice, entering one by one. First thing I saw inside was the stairway that led to the second floor. The lights were weak and the steps were crooked, it smelled a bit weird too. A strange mix of fish and cigarette and fresh paint, just- ugh. But once we reached the top, it was a total different game. The room was gloomy, Japanese lanterns were suspended from the ceiling, the paint was a soft purple and many decorations adorned the walls. A wooden dance floor welcomed the entrance and a large table was installed in the back. All the other booths had been cleared out to make space for us. Even balloons floated in the air, it was really nice. And to top it off, there was a mini bar in the back, it was filled with champagne bottles.

Damn.

An older man greeted the boys as soon as we entered, he was in his late forties, or maybe more. He had a white moustache and seemed to be a musician, tattoos covered his wrinkled skin, the color of it was tanned, but not in a natural way. More like too much cigarette and sun kind of way, the years he lived were visible on his face. Probably the kind of guy who've seen and done everything. Also the kind of guy who knows everybody. No wonder this place was strange as fuck. Some older punks were there too. But that, it wasn't new.

"Hey Pierce! Long time no see! It's so good to see you!" Frank yelled to the older man as he leaned in for a warm embrace. I was still in the doorway, watching the scene.

"Hah good to see you too kid! Thought you'd never come to see old Pierce! Now that you're all fuckin' rockstars!" Pierce exclaimed as he held little Frank. Then he spotted Gerard who was just behind him. "Well, if it's not Gerard Way! Just look at you!" He laughed as he grabbed
Gerard, making him giggle in surprise.

"Pierce man! Fucking Pierce! How's your wife, how's Billie?" Gerard asked.

"Ah! Same old same old kid! As for Linda, you know what they say, as long as mah lil' man can stand up, she won't complain!"

Gerard laughed immaturely at the obvious dad joke. "Fucking Pierce man!"

"Ginger! Go grab some booze for mah guests will yah?" Pierce told a strange lady who stood behind. "Tonight we're celebrating! Mah lil dogs are back!"

Ginger nodded and did what she was told. They all cheered together and tapped their backs, it was a touching scene to witness. But I felt like I didn't belong in their conversation. So instead, I just went for the bar in the back. Some pop music was playing, it was kind of mellow but I liked it. It was different from the usual rock'n'roll. Suko followed me behind. A waiter attended us, he looked young and had short brown hair, pretty plain guy, he wore a uniform. Some sort of silky vest with a bowtie.

"Hello ladies! What can I get you? Everything is free tonight, on the house, courtesy from Pierce! Would you like a glass of champagne, perhaps?"

"Yeah man! Two glasses, one for me and my lady." Suko joked as she nudged my arm.

I chuckled. "Yes absolutely! I'd be damned to refuse that."

"Well champagne it is then! For two stunning ladies." He winked and served us right away.

Me and Suko grabbed our fancy glasses and clashed them together.

"Cheers to my very dear friend, and to this fucking tour that brought us together!" Suko said.

I blushed and smiled. "Aw Suko! I love you!"

"Love you too fuckface!"

We looked into each other's eyes as we took our first sip, already enjoying our night. It felt great to spend some relax time with my friend - away from all the others. Distancing myself was a sane choice, plus the champagne tasted way too good.

After a little while, everyone ended at the table. A white cloth covered it and numerous candles lighted the surface, giving it a cushy intimacy. It was kinda chic, but given the state of everyone's look, you knew this was no royal meeting. Suko went sitting to my left and Frank to my right, followed by Mikey and Ray.

And Gerard? Well, he sat right in front of me - just beside Alicia. He smiled all casually as he pulled on the chair, making sure to scratch it against the floor as he looked at me. I don't know why he did that though, probably to test me again. He wore his leather jacket and a black-eye just drew below his brow; it was yellow and purple. And it might be crazy to say this but... he looked even more beautiful like that.

I observed him as he chewed on the cut across his lip, it was deep and red. I'm pretty sure he made it bleed a couple of times though, and judging by the way his teeth attacked it, this thing wasn't about to heal.

Pierce and the others occupied the rest of seats. Everybody talked loudly and fast, pouring champagne down their cups. Cross side conversations crashed against each other, as if everybody talked to everyone at the same time. Well, except for me of course, I just watched and smoked a cigarette.

The waiters eventually brought sushis on the table and no one wasted their time to stuff their faces. Frank had called for a vegetarian night, so no fish was in sight. But I didn't mind really, fish wasn't my thing. It's too smelly, especially when they're raw.

Anyway...

I tried chewing on a few cucumber rolls but my stomach wasn't having it. Blame it on whatever, but I think having Gerard in my face was the very cause of it. Especially with slimy queen over there (yeah, that's her nickname now). She wouldn't stopped touching him and it was fucking annoying, let me tell you. But Gerard just went on with it, he didn't seem bothered, neither thrilled by it.

"You're not eating Mia?" Suko asked, mouthful. Her voice snapped me back.

"Huh no, I'm okay. Guess I'll stick with champagne." I smiled poorly as I waved my glass in the air - Gerard stared at me.

"Oh, you're not hungry?" He teased, biting on of his chopstick.

I frowned. "No. Not hungry."

"Why?" He taunted, spreading one arm on the table as he leaned back on his chair. He tilted his head to the side as he checked me out.

"Cuz, I'm not." I sassed. "Maybe you'd like to eat the rest? Since you're so concerned."

He grimaced. "Nah, I'll leave them to you. M'busy right now." He said as Alicia caressed his head, making his eyes close. But he opened them again and smirked.

"Fine then." I grunted.

He scoffed a laugh. "Yeah- fine."

I kept on drinking silently, focusing on anything but him. Me and Frank started talking about Pierce. He told me they met him back in 2001, when the band was just a baby. He was the one who set their first gig in Jersey, and if it wasn't for him, MCR wouldn't even exist today. But Pierce wasn't your typical good guy, he spawned with criminals. He owned many restaurants and car washes - laundering money was his thing. But the boys ignored that, they focused on the man they knew instead of his shady business. He was like a godfather to them, they trusted him with their lives.

I suddenly got why all the champagne was free and man, crimes never tasted that good.

When the food was over and everybody drunk, the music got louder and people started dancing. I was still at the table, contemplating my plate. All while Gerard and Alicia whispered into each other's ears. She was sitting on his lap and he bounced his legs, making her tilt. But the little fucker never missed an opportunity to look at me. Don't worry though, I frowned back every time. But there was something else, he seemed preoccupied. And it made me wonder again.

"Wanna dance Mia?" Suko exclaimed as she got up - Frank was beside her.

"Yeah come Mia!" He added. "Let's dance!"

I groaned a little, not sure if I wanted to dance. But fuck it, I needed to get away from these 2.

"Yeah-yeah, let's go." I grumpily claimed. Gerard watched me as I stood up. I perked my lips at him, shaking my head. Alicia was talking to him but he didn't seem to listen.

The three of us stepped on the dance floor and moved our bodies to the rhythm of the beat. I was a bit stiff at first, but enjoyed myself as the music intensified. My feet got into the groove, I sauntered around the people, feeling bubbly and happy. Yeah, happy. All the bad thoughts were gone now, they went away as I danced. It was like a liberation. I moved my hips and nodded my head, eyes closed and pretty hyped. Frank bumped his waist on mine from time to time and Suko dragged me with an invisible rope, I faked like I slid with it. Even old Pierce joined us.

"Having fun there kids!" He yelled, smoking a cigarette as he pulled the weirdest dance moves.

We all laughed and cheered. The atmosphere got even crazier when the lights turned off. Some crazy techno music blasted from the speakers and I swear, we all lost it.

I was in a complete trance when I accidentally crashed into Alicia.

What the hell? I didn't even know she was there. Obviously, she gave me one of her nasty looks and turned around. But- Gerard was also there, on the sideline. He wasn't really dancing, though, more like swaying from side to side. But then Alicia started grinding her ass against him - as if she wanted me to see it. I grimaced a little but brushed it off immediately and danced even more. I knew Gerard's eyes were on me, watching me, but I didn't care. I just let myself go even more, abandoning my chains - my body was on fire. Some way to tell him that no matter what he did, I was fine on my own. Yeah, I was fine and free - in control - he had no grip on me this time.

Frank was moving in from on me, all weightless and captured by the bass. But then I grabbed him by the shoulders. We quickly pressed our foreheads together, feeling the sweat dripping down our faces. We were in a total state of bliss, really drunk and into it. It even got sexy at some point. But it was all for fun.

And... I kinda knew it would piss Gerard off.

My eyes were close when I felt a back press against mine. I checked who it was, it was him again. I took a few steps forward to get away as Frank followed me. But Gerard wouldn't let it go. Alicia wasn't realizing it though, she danced against him as he chased me around. I shook my head at him so he would stop, but he just smiled and rubbed against Alicia's back like a wasted fuck. I frowned and kept on dancing with Frank, we were really close, bodies entwined with the music. He swung me up in the air, causing to me giggle - Gerard witnessed all of it.

After half an hour, Frank eventually went off to sit on a chair, leaving me alone again. Suko was in a corner, trapped in space and melody. I was just in the middle, pretending like I still had fun as Gerard made sure to stay in my sight. The dim lights threw shadows on him, he walked up to me and brushed a finger along my back, but it was very quick so Alicia wouldn't notice. Our gazes collapsed together, some sort of staring contest.

I lost it after 1 minute.

I couldn't do this anymore.

Gerard was ruining my fucking night.

I ran away to find the bathroom door in the back. I clashed against it and entered a small corridor. Two doors were in front - I spotted the female's sign and went for it. I was out of breath, the music still resonated in my ears and it was really dark. I struggled to find the light switch. I finally did but the neons barely lighted the space, they flashed constantly. A few cabins longed the walls, the tiles were pink and white and dirty. I pressed my hands on the cold porcelain sink and stared at my reflexion. "Argh, what are you even doing?" I asked myself, breathing heavily, lost into my own drunken thoughts.

But then the door opened.

I jumped and gasped. At first I thought it was Suko, or even Alicia for that matter. But it wasn't- it was Gerard. He entered the room and pressed his back against the frame. He was completely drunk, I could see it from the way he was standing.

"What the hell Gerard! This is the girl's bathroom!"

"I know it is." He snapped, ever so calmly. "That's why I came, I knew you'd be hiding here."

I shook my head. "But you can't be in here! Just get out!"

"No." He objected as he walked towards me, slowly.

I growled and stepped back. "Argh, what do you want Gerard..."

"I just wanna talk."

I frowned. "About what?"

He sighed and sat on the sink. "All of this."

"Oh! You mean using your toy girl to mess with me?"

He laughed. "No, I'm talking about the lies."

I crossed my arms. "What lies?"

He stared at me deeply. "Your lies..." He sneered. "Everything that comes out of your lips."

I squinted. "I'm not lying to y-"

"Except when they kiss me." He shot, smirking slightly. "When they kiss me they can't lie..." Gerard glanced at the ground for awhile, then straight back at me.

I tried to speak but his words had me trapped. Only a sharp gasp came out.

Gerard laughed again, but warmly this time. "See? You're such a bad liar, it's almost adorable."

I sighed and turned around. "Ugh what do you want from me?" I whined in vain but too drunk to protest. "Why can't you just let it go..."

"Cuz I don't want to."

My heart leaped. "B-but we have to."

"No we don't."

"I'm a journalist Gerard... I have a job. I can't do this." I stated firmly- well at least I tried.

Then I heard Gerard coming closer, I shut my eyes - as if it would magically make him disappear. But it didn't, of course it didn't. I suddenly felt his fingers poke my back and I hissed, they gently slid to caress my sides. His breath was rough and loud, I couldn't move.

"Maybe you can't." He whispered. "But you want to..."

I couldn't breathe. "I-it doesn't matter what I want..."

Gerard's hands travelled further down and wrapped around my stomach. He pressed his face in the base of my neck and breathed me in. "But what about what I want? Does that matter to you?"

A shiver went down my spine, I swear, I almost fainted, right there. But I pushed him away with all my strength before cracking down. "UH STOP IT GERARD!"

Gerard babbled and cursed as he stumbled backwards. His head hit against the cabins and he fell on the floor. Shit. This wasn't part of the plan.

"Oh my god Gerard! Are you okay? I'm so sorry! Are you okay? M-my god..." I whimpered as I kneeled down beside him, I cupped his cheek, his face was sticky as hell. A few wet strands covered his eyes.

He groaned in discomfort, blinking a few times. "Jesus Lechowski, you're fucking crazy..." He sniffed his nose.

I blushed in shame. "I'm so sorry Gerard... I didn't mean to hurt you."

He sat up properly and rubbed the back of his head, roughly. "Ugh, why do you always push me away?"

"B-because... you get too close."

He frowned and puzzled me. "I don't get you Mia."

I shook my head, glaring at him to continue.

He sighed. "Y-you always come when I'm hurt, but then you say I'm too close. Then I kiss you and you cry... but then you say it didn't mean anything?" I could hear the anger in his voice, it was damaged and raw- fucking pure.

I quivered. "It's more complicated than this..."

"No it's not!" He barked. "You just keep contradicting yourself because you hate the truth."

I scowled like I didn't get it, but I fucking did. "What truth?"

He growled in frustration. "Jesus Mia! That you kissed me because it felt right! That you loved it! And you hoped to god Alicia didn't walk on us..."

Gerard had me speechless. My knees buckled as they slid away from him against the dirty floor. But Gerard continued, though his tone was mellow now, like he didn't want me to be scared.

"That it's all you can think about... that it drives you crazy... that you want me-" Gerard pleaded as he crawled his sloppy body towards me. "That you crave m-"

"Stop" I cut him painfully before dying.

But Gerard leaned even closer, eyes filled with need, he was just in front of me now. He ran his moist hand in my hair, angling my face towards his- I moaned.

"Fuck Gerard I-"

"Just let go..." He whispered softly. "Just let go Mia... I know you want this-" He mumbled as he tried to kiss me, but I turned my head away. Gerard whimpered a complain.

"Y-you have a girlfriend." I trembled as I shut my eyes. But my objection did nothing, absolutely nothing. His other hand suddenly grabbed my back and he pulled my whole body against his. Both of my arms dropped dead on each side as we collapsed together. Fuck. He held me so tight.

"But I don't care about her, never did.... I want you-" He breathed hotly against my cheek now, mouth opened as he tasted my skin, as his lips rubbed my face, urging me to turn my head again. "I want you so much Mia-" He panted as he bit my jaw, his icy saliva tingled me.

I swear. My fucking heart and ovaries were about to explode. Nothing made sense anymore.

"F-fuck, Gee, w-we shouldn't"

"Please" He moaned in desperation as his lips aimed towards my neck- I let out a small whimper. "Mm'fuck" He replied.

"G-gerard, stop, this is wrong, we can't, I c-can't....you're killi-"

"Uh'shut up " He growled gutturally as he started kissing my neck. "Mm'just-" He mourned in between a kiss. "...this time"

My head dropped back as I gripped his hair.

I felt his warm mouth devouring my neck, his moves were lazy and filthy, he had no restraint. All the champagne we had drank only enhanced the moment, I was about to lose myself within him, right here, in the bathroom, while everybody else was having fun over there...

Then I opened my eyes.

I gasped.

But it wasn't because of Gerard, no. It was because Alicia was in the doorway, staring deadly at the both of us as we aired on the ground like 2 desperate teenagers.

"You fucking asshole!" She screamed, voice filled with anger.

Gerard jumped and turned around. "Uhhh Alicia?" He baffled.

"I fucking knew it! God I fucking knew it!" She sobbed brokenly just before vanishing.

Gerard stood up poorly, almost slipping down. "WAIT! ALICIA! DON'T GO! I-I CAN EXPLAIN!"

He ran after her immediately. "WAIT!"

Then the door shut.

Silence came.

Darkness came.

I was alone again.

Notes

guess my fingers got carried away...hm. writing this chapter was hard? for some reason... I don't know. hope u're not disappointed.. as always. x