The night was deep and engulfing me. There was no one to talk to, no one to reach at, only some fans quaking in sight. I was so dismayed, so damn torn up. I knew I was outside, but I felt like I was still back there - sitting on his bed, brushing his wet hair, comforting him as he mourned, as he moaned my name, j-just before he...

Argh.

I swear I was still shaking. I wished it'd stopped - but it wouldn't. I had to calm down, I had to find my peace, I had to find a way. I ran towards the stadium with my heart in my throat - the cold wind blew against me, chasing his warmth. The breeze helped a little, it helped me forget I still wanted him. Gosh I still wanted him so much. This kiss had been the death of me - It had murdered me.

I raced so fast, retracing the same path me and Gerard took a few hours ago - while we still smiled - while I carried him - for this mayhem was still unknown. But now I knew what he tasted like, I knew how good he felt against my lips.

For so long I had believed I was a victim of my own perceptions, I fooled myself, over and over again - I pretended, I ran away. But this, this confirmed everything, all of my doubts, all of my fears, all of my desires. It wasn't a phase, it was real and it was trapped inside me; this fucking lust I had for that guy.

I finally reached the stadium and kneeled down - panting heavily. My hands felt the scabrous pavement, the gravel of it knifed through my pants. The door was just in front of me. My whole being resolved itself into a statue - I couldn't move. But then, I saw stains on my hands, and on my wrists, on my arms. It was Gerard's blood, his red fingerprints coated my skin. They had dried up, they had rusted on me. I took a good look at the palms of my hands - both of them - they were all dirty. A vivid panic raised inside of me, I started rubbing them on the ground fiercely - they had to disappear, the damn stains. I couldn't wear what'd remind me of him, not right now, not tonight. Then I touched my face, I still sensed the same dried patches, this meant his blood was also on my lips, and on my cheeks, oh and even on my fucking jaw. "Shit-shit-shit-shit" I whimpered as I wiped it all off.

I didn't even know if I made it worse, maybe I had just spread the whole blood across my face, but it was the best I could do. Now only one word echoed in my mind - Suko. I had to find her. I needed her - only her could help me. I crawled back up, struggling still as I gripped the door lever. But fuck, it was locked. I sighed - face pressed on the metal surface. It took me 10 minutes to get my spirit back. Then I grabbed my phone and dialled Suko's number.

I still couldn't think straight but I had to take actions. Contemplating my misery was like digging a grave - it ripped me apart - it sunk me down.

But sadly, Suko didn't answer. And of course just to top it off, the battery of my phone died. Dammit, there I was again, jailed outside. Oh well, if I couldn't enter through this door, maybe I could find another way.

I left my daunting spot and rushed around the edifice, searching for an entrance, or a hole, basically anything I could break in or climb. And there I noticed it, as I ran around - the walls stopped - a crack was leaking. It gave access to the football field, I wasted no time and went for it. A stairway led me to the field, I strolled it down, bypassing the rows of empty seats. Tall floodlights illuminated the fake grass, they blinded me from the sky. The whole stage had also been disassembled, there was nothing left. It was so weird to stand in the middle of this - it was so vast and hollow - I felt so little. Even my steps echoed in the air - I can still remember their vibration as they hit the marbled stairs. It was, as I call it - the sound of solitude.

I scanned the aboves, eyes wide open as I strutted to the center of the field. I dropped my butt on the sod and crossed my legs - invading my lungs with fresh air. I did nothing, I just stayed there, living in the fucking present - as naked as it was - as imperfect as it was. My fingers toyed with my lips - he was still wrapped around them, somehow.

"Mia?"

Oh thank god! The voice of reason, my saviour.

"Suko!" I cried out. She was standing at the end of the field with Rapha.

"The fuck you're doin' over there?" She yelled from afar.

"Huh! Just a minute!" I stood up and jogged towards them. I was greeted by their wasted smiles, both of them held a bottle of booze. My god I was so happy to see them. It literally felt like ages since we smoke the weed.

"Well there you are!" She laughed - wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "What happened to you? I was so worried."

"Oh just, you know... wandering around." Wow, wandering around - for fucking 4 hours yeah.

"Yeah, she really was worried Mia, she wouldn't shut up about it!" Rapha teased as he winked at me.

Suko scowled. "Pfffffff!" She tried to punch him but Rapha avoided it just in time.

"Whoa! Bist du verrückt?" He giggled.

Suko squinted. "I don't speak german Rapha!"

"Ist auch besser so!" Raphael said just before walking away clumsily. "Anyway, I'll see you inside ladies!" He entered a small corridor on the side line - which I presumed led to the party.

"Yeah yeah!" Suko replied as she rolled her eyes, waving some sort a fuck off at him - but it was all just for fun.

I chuckled silently at their mocking.

"So?" Suko shook me.

"What?"

"Where the hell were you all this time?"

"Ow..." I glanced down - I knew she'd bring it up.

She crossed her arms. "Spill the beans Mia."

"Huh..." Fuck. I really wanted to tell her, but I didn't know how.

Suko noticed something was wrong. "You wanna sit down?"

I nodded - she grabbed my hand - leading me to the nearest row of seats - we climbed a few
stairs and sat at the edge.

"What's the matter Mia?" Her voice was caring and worried.

I took a deep breath. "If I tell you, you have to promise you won't be mad at me."

She nodded eagerly. "Yeah, yeah of course."

"You have to swear it Matsuko!"

"I promise Mia! I won't be mad!"

"Okay..." I gulped - avoiding her eyes. "M-me and G-gg..."

Suko squinted - she leaned closer.

"M-me and Gerard we.... we kissed." There, I finally said it. Gosh, how hard was that. I was so scared of her reaction though.

She snuffed a laugh. "Well, it's no big deal, I made out with Frank on the first night."

I shook my head. "No Suko... it wasn't like that." I stared at her - dead serious.

"Oh..." Her face flushed. "You mean like, a real kiss?"

I blushed in shame. "Yeah...a real real kiss."

"Oh..." She ran her fingers on her jaw. "Did he kiss you first?"

"Y-yeah, but I kissed back." I sighed - remembering everything. "I swear, it was so fucking intense..."

"Dammit Mia, I knew this would happen." She grunted.

"Hey you promised you wouldn't be mad!"

"I'm not mad, I just... I don't want you to get hurt. Feelings and work don't go together Mia, you know this, I told you, I warned you!"

"I know!" I whined.

"Well then you have to stay away from him!" She yawped as she grabbed my hands. "It's really important Mia, reporters can't fall in love with rockstars! It's the only rule!"

I growled and bit my lower lip, eyes darting back and forth.

Suko tucked some hair behind my ear. "You have to trust me...while you still have time... before you get lost."

I nodded slowly - coming to the realization that she was right. I couldn't let my feelings get in the way - even if it seemed impossible - I had a fucking job to do. I needed to harden the fuck up. "Y-you're right... this can't go on..."

"The golden rule Mia, you have to stick to it. I'm not joking."

My face twitched. "I will, I promise. It was just a kiss... it won't happen again."

She smiled softly. "Wanna go back to the van?"

"Yeah." I whispered.

Me and Suko left the stadium, not even warning Rapha - we skipped through the parking lot until reaching our van. I glanced at the MCR bus from afar, heart leaping as it should.

I wondered if Gerard felt the same, and if he too, still tasted me on his lips.

*

The previous night ended as rough as the next day began. We had to leave for Texas at 8am but me and Suko had only slept for 3 hours. No need to tell you we were exhausted. I spent my whole night twitching and sweating. I couldn't stop dreaming about him, about his lips, his beaten eyes, his broken voice - all of it - the scene played in my mind constantly. But Suko's warning words also haunted me. I was completely torn-up between my heart and my head - my feelings and my reasons - the girl and the journalist.

Anyway, as soon as we woke up, we made some coffee and waited for Frank's signal text. I couldn't lie, I was getting pretty sick of the life on the road. I still loved it, but the days wore on me. Living in a van is not the most convenient thing, if you hadn't noticed. I kind of missed it you know, my bed. But it was all okay, because the boys had a break in about 3 days. That'd give me the chance to go back home, see what Alejandro's up to. Speaking of Alejandro, I wondered if he watered the plants. I got an Asparagus Fern and that shit needs a lot of water. But I trust him, so yeah, he probably did. But I'm pretty sure he stole all of my baking powder - oh and the flour too. Freaking Alejandro, I tell ya, he's really mad. But that's okay because I never bake cakes. Though I really love brownies, they're always so moist and fluffy - sometimes I make them from Christmas. Okay I'm rambling again, sorry. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Texas.

So yeah, we received Frank's text around 7.57am and left shortly after. I just stayed in the back like always. I kind of felt guilty to let Suko drive all the time, but hey, this was her job. We had a 9-hour drive that day, so I had to occupy myself. I tried to work a bit but my heart wasn't having it. All I wanted, was to cuddle in a blanket and listen to the radio. Which is exactly what I did, oh and played Tetris on my phone.

It was something like 11.30am, I was in a middle of a game, inches away to hit my highest score when my phone buzzed. At first, I cursed, because it totally distracted me - the damn little block was just about to fit in the crack. But soon after, I couldn't care less about the stupid game. My heart pounded as my fingers clicked - opening the textbox.

Shit. It was Gerard, he just texted me.

"Are you okay?" He wrote.

Huh. Was I okay? Seriously, was I?

Pfff - of course not - I wasn't okay. But I surely had to pretend I was. Though I didn't want to reply to him. Answering his question was pointless and what should I tell him anyway? No Gerard I'm not okay because you fucking kissed me and fucked up my life? Yeah right. I just put my phone aside - playing the silent card.

But Gerard didn't stop there, oh no. My phone buzzed again, just as I grabbed a cigarette. I wheezed a little, hesitant to check it again. But it didn't take long before I did.

"Are you really not reading this? Or you just pretend like you don't?"

And then another text.

"Please answer me."

And another.

"I know you're reading this Mia."

And another.

"If you don't answer me I swear I won't stop texting you."

Dammit. This guy wasn't easy to fool. I sucked on my cigarette viciously - aiming the keyboard with my fingers - thinking of something to write. I sent my message a couple of minutes after.

"I'm okay Gerard. You can stop texting me now."

Wow, was that too harsh? I think it was. I could've ask if he was okay too, but truth is, I didn't wanna know - guess there was nothing left to say. Gerard indeed stopped texting me after that. God I felt so fucking bad, I really did. Maybe I shouldn't have written that.

But it was too late now.

*

Into the Valleys

-3pm-

We had been rolling for 7 hours straight. The afternoon beam was heavy, the rays penetrated in the van. There was no wind today, it was dry, as dry as the desert could be. Only cactuses and valleys were in sight now, the horizon was yellow, I got sweaty just from looking at it. I hadn't receive any text from Gerard, even though this is what I aimed for, it kind of ate me up. I wondered if he was mad at me or if he thought about me as much I as thought about him. Maybe Alicia helped him forget. Ugh, I don't know. I sat lazily in the passenger's seat with my head pressed against the window. I watched the MCR bus faithfully leading us to our next target. And then, just as I my legs started to ache, the bus took a slight turn and parked at the side of the road.

Guess everybody needed a break, fresh air was quick fix.

"Oh, looks like we're stopping." Suko exclaimed as she noticed the bus. She drove the van just in front of it and parked.

"You must be exhausted." I told her, unfastening my seatbelt - she very seemed pale.

Suko shrugged. "Meh, life's hard baby."

I smirked. "Sure is..."

She winked at me - god I loved her.

We both stepped out the van, ushering in the desert. My eyes widened, the impact was way more intense when you could actually smell the air around. I felt like I was in a Clint Eastwood movie, or Thelma and Louise for that matter. Anyway, it was my first time in Texas and I already loved it. Suko grabbed some beers in the back and handed me one. A week ago I would've declined the offer, but now, I surely did not.

Frank, Ray, Mikey and Bob were already outside and all stretched their legs. But Gerard and Alicia were nowhere to be seen. I walked up to them, holding my beer as I protected my eyes from the sun.

"Well-well-well, look who's back! The journalist!" Frank cheered when he saw me, opening his arms for me.

I joined his side and hugged him tightly. "Yeah, m'back to spy on you again!"

He grinned widely. "How was yesterday? You totally disappeared after I picked you up."

I squinted - ugh, why did everyone always wanted to know where I was? Oh well, I'd keep it short and blurry. "Just got caught up in the party I guess..."

Frank laughed. "Yeah, it was pretty wicked."

Suko was right beside us, giving me that look; the one that means I know you're lying but I won't say it.

"What happened after the fight? Is Bert still mad?" I asked, changing subject.

"I don't know, me and Ray tried to calm him down but he left right after. Him and Gerard have some kind of beef..."

"Do you know why?" Suko quizzed.

Frank shook his head. "Nah, Gerard won't tell me. I asked him this morning and he told me to fuck off, I tend to stay away when he's acting like that. And now his fucking girlfriend is back..." He rolled his eyes.

I couldn't help but rejoice to see I wasn't the only one who despised her. "You don't like her?"

"No, not really. She's whiny as hell and never leaves him alone. Gerard only keeps her around because she's hot and a fucking whore in bed."

"Wow, that's pretty harsh!" Suko claimed in shock - I was a bit too.

"Trust me, you'd say the same if you slept right above them." Frank shot. "But it cooled down a bit recently, Gerard seems sick of her."

I nodded. "Oh..."

"Yeah anyway, I'll leave you there, think the boys are waiting for me." Frank said as he wandered off. Ray Mikey and Bob had just started a frisbee game and called his name in the distance.

"Sure, see you 'round." I replied.

"Wait Frank, I wanna play too!" Suko hollered as she followed him.

"Well come on then Suko!"

And there I was again, alone.

Well not completely alone, but on my own. I thought about what Frank told me, about Gerard being in a bad mood and all. Maybe it was my text that upset him, or maybe not. Argh, I don't know. I kicked dust from the ground as I sensed my mind wandering off too far again.

I was just about to leave when I saw a shadow, it lurked at me through the glass of the bus.
But as I looked closer, I realized it wasn't just a shadow - it was Gerard. I recognized his figure. He held the curtains with one hand and was watching me. We kept a steady contact, maybe for 10 seconds, but then, a pair of arms wrapped around him. He immediately glanced away and closed the curtains.

I cant lie, it made my heart turn, but I brushed it off anyway.

I just lighted a cigarette as I watched the others play in sight. They had so much fun, it made me kind of happy. I smiled to myself and decided to find a quiet spot. I needed to revise my notes, since I hadn't work all day. I jaunted in the desert, the sun was hot as ever - making me sweat. My quest ended when I spotted a rock, it was pretty big and plants covered it. I swear, it almost looked like it was waiting for me.

But then my fucking phone buzzed. My feet stopped - I searched for the device through my pocket, then I picked it up.

Shit. It was a text. From you know who.

"Stay right where you are." He wrote.

The fuck? Was he stalking me?

I checked my surroundings, kind of paranoid. But it didn't take long to realize that he was just behind me - a bit further in range. That means he followed me, he literally followed me. I placed my hands on my hips, watching him as he got closer. Gerard wore the same clothes as yesterday - his sports jacket and snug pants. His hair was a fucking mess, like always. But he looked perfect, like always. I quickly turned away and sat on the rock. I knew he'd come over, and he did. Gerard scooted beside me but he didn't talk, he just stretched his legs on the ground - not even caring about the dirt spraying on them. I swear I was so fucking tensed, I didn't want Suko to see us together. But mostly, I was just plain scared to look at him, I knew he was staring.

Nothing happened for a while, until Gerard exhaled loudly.

"Are we gonna talk about it or what?" He shot.

I twitched - still not looking at him. "About what?"

"Aw come on Mia... you know exactly what I'm talking about."

I crossed my arms. "I don't."

Gerard sighed. "Fucking hell Lechowski I fucking kissed you!"

"So what?" I faked but my heart leaped.

"Tss, don't pretend like it was nothing..."

I frowned.

"Jesus Lechowski!" Gerard barked through his teeth as he pulled on my arm. "Fucking look at me!"

I turned my head - and there I saw them. His eyes, his freaking eyes, full of need and urge as they ravaged me, as they flared at me. The cut on his lip was still wide and deep.

"What do you want Gerard?" I grunted against his grip.

He leaned closer. "I know it's all you can think about Mia." Fuck. Why did he always say my name like that?

I had to keep my front. I had to remember the fucking golden rule. "And how would you know?"

"Because..." He let on. "It's all I can think about too."

Oh god. My stomach turned - the very pit of it - it was melting now. "It was just a kiss Gerard!" I denied and shoved him away.

Gerard laughed bitterly. "It wasn't just a kiss Mia."

"Yes it was!"

"No. It was more than that and you know it."

"NO!" I cried out. "It was a mistake... that's all it was."

Gerard scowled. "Oh, so you regret it then?"

I shut my eyes. "Y-yes..." I lied but it killed me.

He shook his head. "I don't believe you. You're fucking lying to me!"

"I'm not lying!" Yes I am. Yes I am. "I-it was a mistake... and it should've never happened."

My words cut through him like knifes. Gerard just stared at me, crushed and battered - waves of emotions travelled on his face. Then he grabbed a cigarette, his moves were rough and hasty as he lighted the stick, then he smoked nervously. He also touched his hair. He was confused and angry, or maybe hurt. Yeah- hurt, that's what it was.

I simply kept a straight face, even if I died inside, even if I hated myself.

"Then why?" Gerard started, voice cracking as he leaned closer again, he was so close now. "Why did you cry when you kissed me?"

Ugh.

That's it.

I died.

"ARGH SHUT UP!" I screeched as I stood up, making sure my back was facing him. I couldn't look at him, I fucking couldn't.

He sighed. "Can't you just admit it? Just for once! Why is it so hard?"

"Because there's nothing to admit, we made a mistake, it didn't mean anything to me."

He roared. "No, you're fucking lying to me again! You're just talking shit to hurt me!"

"NO I'M NOT! I can't fool around with you! This is wrong! All of this!" I whimpered. "W-we c-can't..." My voice broke.

I quivered as I waited for his comeback - but he didn't say anything. Instead, I heard his steps coming closer - he stopped when he was just behind me.

"Mia..."

"Go away Gerard." I urged him. "Alicia's probably looking for you."

I waited in the silence, shaking, Gerard sighed one last time. I heard his boots taken away - they crushed in the sand and my heart as he vanished. I just stayed there, in the desert, shaky, not moving, overwhelmed - angry and sad. I hated that stupid rule, god I hated it, with every fiber of my being.

But oh, as we all know...

tragedy loves company.

Notes

love is cruel. i'm sorry.