I stared at Gerard in shock from what he just told me. Feeling his breath heating the fabric of my jeans, making it stick against my leg. He was still holding on tight to it - avoiding my eyes because he knew just how miserable he was. Gerard was an alcoholic, willing to destroy his identity in the slight hope of easing his pain, even if it was for a minute or two. Even if he would feel worse afterwards. All that matter to him, was to stay away from himself. He was terrified of his own mind.

It was all clear now, I could see it.

“G-gg-erard…” I whined. “Y-you need to get some sleep…”

“I can't.” He grunted.

“But tomorrow’s a new day...”

“It’s already tomorrow Mia.”

I check my watched, he was right - it was 3.33am. “But I mean tomorrow-tomorrow, when the sun will shine… or when the birds will sing. M-maybe you’ll wake up, maybe you'll feel better.”

Gerard scoffed a laugh. “You’re so naive Lechowski....”

I crossed my arms, pouting. “Pff, I’m just trying to help! Maybe if you didn't act like such a damn bab-”

“He was saying stuff about you Mia.” Gerard cut me as he lifted his head, staring straight into my eyes.

I squinted. “Who?”

“Bert, he-” He paused, frowning. “He was telling the others that-”

“That what?”

Gerard swallowed. “...that you were a slut, the kind of girl you fuck into an alley and dump on the ground once you’re finished. He said it was all you were worth for.”

I gasped. I couldn’t believe Bert said those nasty things about me. But mostly, I sure couldn’t believe Gerard got into a fight because me. All those bruises, all this damn blood - it was all because of me. No, this wasn’t possible.

Or was it? Oh fuck.

“Y-you did this because of me?” I stuttered, still in shock.

He glanced down - knowing he couldn't deny the truth now. “Yeah...”

Shit- I wanted to hug him so badly. Argh. But I hated him for doing it. “But why?”

“Because I care abo-” Gerard paused, repenting himself. My heart leaped guessing what he was about to say. He shook his head. “B-because you can’t say things like that! I wish I could’ve just kicked his face and crushed his teeth on the ground so he could never smile again.” His wild temper was back- his pupils dilated.

“Stop that!” I yelled. “You didn’t have to do this for me!”

“Oh yeah? But then what?” He scowled fiercely. “Just let him talk trash about you?”

“If it means you won’t get hurt, yes.”

“You weren’t there Mia, you didn’t see his face when he talked about you. The way he described your body… How he touched you…H-how he-” He stopped, holding back his fury.

I had to calm him down. “Just ignore him Gerard! He’s not worth your time.”

He scoffed a laugh. “That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one singing with him on stage.”

“And you think starting fights will magically solve the problems?”

“Might get him to shut up yeah.”

I shook my head. “Well your plan didn’t work that well, didn’t it?”

Gerard groaned at me, knowing he got beat up. “He just doesn’t deserve you Mia!”

I gasped. “I’m sorry what?”

“Huh.” He seemed confused- like his mouth acted upon it’s own will and he regretted it.

I blushed hard. “Gerard…”

His head fell back on the bed and he moaned in desperation - hiding his face against my thigh.

Thoughts raced in my mind, I was so confused. I felt butterflies, knowing that he cared about me, but I also felt devastated to see where this had brought him.

“Gerard…” I claimed his name once more.

“I know you hate me for defending you Mia… It’s all fucked anyway.” He lamented.

I nodded a no and exhaled deeply. “I don’t hate you Gerard… I really don’t.”

“Ah come on, you always have to take care of me, I’m just a fucking burden.”

“Oh stop it would you! No one is forcing me to be here, I’m here because I want to.”

“You’re just saying this out of pity. Like the other time at the hotel, you told me you stayed because nobody else would.”

I sighed exasperatedly. “You know this wasn’t true, I didn’t mean what I said.”

Gerard peeked an eye on me, wondering like he always do. I shook my head, waiting for his answer, god I hated when he did that. I could never guess what he was thinking about.

“So…” He lingered. “If I asked you to stay for the night again…. Would you do it?”

“Huh.” Of course I fucking would. “Yes… but…”

Gerard's face switched from soft to tense when he realized the condition. “But what?”

“But Alicia...” I pointed out.

He hummed a dry laugh. “She doesn’t give a shit about me.”

“Hey don’t say that, she does, she came back.” I tried.

“Well she’s not the one who came looking for me tonight...” He let on, eyeing me still.

“M-maybe she just didn’t know…”

“Yeah, whatever you say...” He brushed off.

A strong silence came. I wondered if Gerard would actually ask me to stay for the night. But sadly, his addiction got in the way of furthering the subject.

Gerard twitched on the bed, like he was in pain. “P-please Mia…” He begged. “Just bring me a damn beer…” Yup, he was back at it again.

I rolled my eyes. “No! I can’t Gerard… I won’t.”

“B-but you have to, it needs to stop.” He whimpered.

I squinted. “What needs to stop?”

“My head, it needs to stop thinking, it needs to stop feeling... m-my heart too.” He mourned. “Reality needs to stop Mia.”

The amount of pain in his voice shattered my insides. I didn’t know how to help him. I wanted to save him from his misery, but god help me I needed saving too. My poor hand trembled, daring to caress the back of his head. My fingers felt the moist of his hair, god his scalp was so warm. He moaned at my touch.

“Gee…” I bit my lip to hold back my tears.

“It has to stop Mia.” He whispered, voice demolished.

I nuzzled his head softly. “Gerard I- I can’t stop your eyes from crying, or your soul from hurting...” I brokenly said. “A-all I can do is... wipe the blood away, dry out your tears, fill the blank.”

Gerard wasn’t moving, hiding from me still. But I knew he was listening- I could feel him shaking under me.

“O-or I could tell you everything’s gonna be okay…” I closed my eyes for a second. “But you wouldn’t believe me anyway…”

He was still silent.

"Gerard, please, say something to me…” I urged him so badly. I needed to hear him say he was okay- even if I knew it was stupid. Because it would never happen.

Gerard slowly lifted his head, his beaten gaze drowned into mine. The ocean of my eyes wanted to sway him up shore, liberate him from his agony. I could see how ashamed he felt - how empty he felt. But mostly, how all hope was gone.

“It’s too late.” He stated in vain.

“No! I’m not gonna let you destroy yourself again, not tonight!” I yawped as I shook him - holding him still with both of my hands. “You hear me?”

Gerard growled at my intensity and in the spur of a moment - he grabbed my wrists. I gasped. He then pulled on my arms, making my body bow down, I had no resistance. Our faces were so close now. Our breathings were panting together, moaning together, like painful gasps for life. We hadn’t been this physically close since the last time in the creek. But I wasn’t scared of him, no, not this time. His hazel eyes flared into my soul - bloodshot and darned - unlocking a fever inside of me.

“Why do you care so much? Huh? Why do you want to save me? Can’t you see there’s nothing left?” He quivered through his teeth but then his fingers caressed my cheek - I trembled at his touch.

I cupped his palm against my face and shut my eyes. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing was coming out.

“You’re beating a dead horse sugar.”

I had to hold my tears - I had to hold them back. "I don't care"

“Ow fuck. Mia-” Was all he ever moaned before crashing his lips against mine.

And then the sky fell down.

My heart exploded.

I couldn’t breathe.

God I couldn’t breathe anymore.

He kissed me like it hurt him, like it was the only thing he could ever do.

I was still fighting back but Gerard applied more pressure and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me further down. I finally gave up and lost myself. He moaned when I did so and opened his mouth, panting against me so hard. I just gripped his black hair - Gerard kissed me even deeper, so desperately, lips moving as if he was about to die. Our tongues burned together, they parched, they licked. He tasted all of me and I tasted all of his bruises, healing them with my warmth.

Oh I trembled so hard I swear, the tears I held back were now free to fall. Their wetness slid on my face as he kissed me, as I kissed him and forgot about the world.

His blood was all over me now.

I could feel it.

I could wear it.

I could smell it.



“GERARD?” A voice yelled from behind - the bus door just opened.

I gasped and violently pushed Gerard away as he let go of me. I jumped on my feet, catching my breath. We both stared at each other, frozen from what just happened. I still couldn’t breathe properly.

“GERARD IT’S ALICIA! ARE YOU HURT BABY? WHERE ARE YOU?”

I quickly turned away from him and closed my eyes, holding my throbbing mouth. I heard Alicia’s footstep coming closer. My palpitations got in my way to think. I lifted my head, she was just in front of me now - eyeing me suspiciously. I just glared back at her, speechless.

“What are you doing here?” She snarled.

“I huh...” I squeezed my eyes, overwhelmed, searching for an excuse. “I was just about to go…”

“M’kay...” She frowned. But then she spotted Gerard- her eyes widened. “Oh babe! Are you hurt?” She vanished out of my sight and threw herself on his bed.

“No I’m fine…” Gerard mumbled.

“Oh my god! I was so scared! I’m so sorry baby!” She whimpered.

I looked back - Alicia was on top of Gerard, cuddling him. My heart ached and leaped - already regretting everything. Gerard’s eyes dwelled upon me. I gave him one last look before vanishing.

I ran and got the hell out of this damned bus. The parking lot was empty as it could be. I was freaking out and it was so freaking cold. I couldn’t believe he kissed me. I couldn’t believe this happened. It all went so fast, it was so intense, it was so wrong….

But it was so good. It was so right.

Ow, there was no going back now.

I could still taste him on my lips.

Notes

Oh well. This had to happen at some point.