For the first time that morning, I woke up happy. Yeah, no joke. No hangover or painful memories from the night before. Just a simple, innocent, lighthearted feeling. It was strange, really, because I've never been used to this. You know... happiness and all. Let's say that wasn't quite my tea cup. I'm more like the type of girl who can't leave yesterday behind because tomorrow's at the door.

But hey, I guess there's always a time to surprise yourself.

I was just making coffee with Suko, the water filtered through the beans and made the most irritable sound on earth. But the results were quite shocking for such a cheap device. It smelled like the coffee my dad used to make. I can still remember waking up by the scent of the brew gently invading my senses. It was the first thing that welcomed me every morning- back when I live in Jersey with my parents. I moved out of there at 18, and I swore to myself that I'd become a serious journalist before turning 25. My ambitions were the only thing that mattered. I sacrificed my social life, my love life and my fucking inner-peace for that.

A had a couple of boyfriends here and there, well, if you can call them boyfriends. More like a quick fuck and a couple of beers. I remember this one guy- Samuel. I had a massive crush on him in college, I think he was in love with me too. But one time he got sick of me and found a new girl, one who could actually love him back. But I don't blame him...for I am unloveable.

I guess you could say I've paid an awful price to end up where I am today. I've never truly adapted to the adult world, and there's been a hole in my soul since then. I fooled myself into thinking it didn't exist, but it never worked.

Now there's just this hole in my soul and I have to deal with it.

Sometimes I think of my sixteen year old self and it makes want to cry. How freaking easy it was back then, that careless innocence, I kind of miss it you know. But not today though, because today was a good day.

It was 6am, the sun had just rose and peeked through the few clouds blocking the sky. The colour of it was grey with light shades of blue - the colour of loneliness. One in which you cannot tell if it’ll rain or not. The huge and vast parking lot was practically empty now. It always felt so surreal, the mornings after a show. All the noises and chaos were gone, leaving you with nothing but memories, and probably too much space to think about them. But I kind of liked them you know, the ghost parking lots. There was something creepy and magic about them. They held the souls of the music that played, and the secrets of the people that came. Yeah, anyway, enough poetic rambling for now. I'll save it for later.

Like I said, it was early and shit and we were making coffee. The back doors of the van were opened and I was wrapped up in a blanket, sitting on the edge.

“Sugar?” Suko’s voice asked from behind.

“Uh yes, 3 please.” I said.

She then muffled something under her breath - I turned my head. “What is it?” I puzzled her. Suko was kneeled down on her bed, cautiously waiting for the last drop to hit the pot.

She shrugged. “Nah just, didn’t know you liked it sweet that much.”

“Why? You thought I liked it was plain?”

“No, more like... strong and bitter.” She shot, giving me a taunting look.

“Depends on the situation.” I grinned.

She giggled. "Oh, I see." Her pink bangs flew up in the air. She looked tired, but still, pretty cute and all, in her Batman pyjamas.

I snorted and switched my attention outside - totally compelled by the nothingness.

“By the way Mia, what happened with Bert? You didn’t tell me last night.”

I focused back on her. “Oh uh, well, we made it to his bus...” I paused.

Her black eyes widened. “Aaaaaand?”

“Aaand he basically tried to get in my pants.”

Her jaw dropped. “For real? Gosh you’re so lucky!”

I squinted. “Eh, I wouldn’t say that, it was pretty awkward.”

She glared at me intensely, like I just said I was pregnant. “Bert McCracken tries to get in your fucking pants and it’s awkward? Geez Mia, do you know how many girls would kill to be in your place?”

I shrugged. “Probably a million, but his kisses were lazy and hands too pervy. Something was off, I swear it Suko.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Well, maybe, just maybe... it’s because you wished it was someone else.”

I gulped, my cheeks suddenly heating. “Huh, no.” I lied.

“Mia…come on.” Her eyes broaden even more, sinking deep into me - she clearly didn't buy my shit.

I crossed my arms. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Suko shook her head in disbelief and poured coffee down two different mugs. She added 3 cubes of sugar in mine and soy milk in hers before crawling up my side. I thanked her as she sat right next to me. For a while, we just sipped our beverages silently, but the thoughts in our heads raced like crazy. I was thinking about Gerard and I knew that she knew that I was thinking about him. (lil brain fuck over here)

Suko cleared her throat. “Do you remember the golden rule Mia?” She snapped, her gaze focusing on the sky instead of me.

“Hum yeah, I do.” I mumbled. Of course I remembered that rule, it fucking haunted me.

“And do you understand why I warned you now?”

I frowned and chewed my lower lip, was she trying to tell me something? That I was somehow, breaking that rule? “Well you made it clear from the start. That I may tumble or fall, but never fall in love...”

“At least you remember my words.” She sighed, eyeing me suspiciously.

“What?” I laughed. “You think I’m falling in love?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.” She was trying to read my face. “I can’t tell yet, though someone’s messing with your head, that’s for sure.”

I scowled but couldn’t deny her statement, because she was absolutely right. Though Gerard and I were friends now. We’ve said goodbye to our wicked games, goodbye to our fucked up tensions. Maybe this would calm things a bit, help me realize this was just a phase - a short episode that made me lose common sense. Yeah, that’s probably all it was… a phase.

Right?

“Seriously Suko, I think you worry too much. Me and Gerard…. we’re just friends.”

“Gerard? Since when did I say Gerard?”

“Huh.”

She smiled, squinting. “Didn’t know you’d be that quick to confess.”

I was slowly getting irked. “Oh for christ’s sake Suko! We’re just friends, nothing else, got it?”

“Whoa alright!” She laughed at my growing irritation. “But if it pisses you off, probably means it’s true.”

“What’s probably true?” I sassed even more.

“Fucking hell Mia, just admit it already!” She sighed heavily. “You didn’t have sex with Bert because you wished it was Gerard!”

I gasped - I was freakin’ startled by what she just said. Because fuck, it was so damn true. Cold truth hits you hard.

“Hey don’t freak out...” She chuckled, tapping my back. “I don’t blame you you know, Gerard’s got a nice ass.”

I groaned. “Yeah, whatever…” I hopped outside to stretch my legs and arms. “Stupid golden rule…” I mumbled to myself.

“Eh, what did you say?”

“Oh nothing…”

*

We we’re leaving for Missouri that day, Columbia more precisely. Though the band was playing late tonight, so none of us was in a hurry. Plus Columbia was only 2 hours away from Kansas, it gave us a little break before hitting Texas tomorrow, which would be a long 9-hour drive.

Frank was a shower maniac. If no showers were around, he'd always find a phenomenal way to create one of his own. And he was a wise guy - the things he came up with; they were genius, slightly sordid, but they worked. I guess he couldn't bare to lay in his own dirt for weeks, unlike a certain...you know who. Yeah. Anyway.

Ray was holding a large water bag, he gently poured down the liquid into a beer funnel; the whole thing was attached to a metal fence. Frank was just underneath, rinsing his soap filled hair with nothing but boxers on. I spotted them from afar and decided to get a quick clean myself. I had my panties on but kept my crop top.

“Hey Mia what’s up! Coming to test our luxurious shower?” Ray joked as he kept on pouring water down the funnel.

I snorted. “Yeah, feel kinda sticky.”

Frank heard me and tried to peek at me, but he had shampoo in his eyes, so he squinted a little. “Hey man I’m almost done!” He said as soap entered his mouth, he spitted it out immediately.

I sat on the ground beside them, far enough from the mud below Frank’s feet. This was the first time I could see all the tattoos he had on his chest, I kept a subtle eye and examined the details. I really liked the art style. Frank then finally finished and stepped aside, pointing me the way. “There you go, all clean, your turn Mia!”

I nodded and stood up. I had a towel wrapped around my body and cringed before taking it off. Sure I had my crop top on, but it was really transparent and I knew the water would totally enhance that fact. Plus my panties weren’t the best coverage too.

“Come on! There’s not a lot of water left!” Ray pressed me.

“Sorry! Yeah.” I babbled, finally throwing my towel on the ground. I walked underneath the water and I hissed at the feeling - it was freaking cold. “Brrrr.” I shivered while grabbing my cherry soap milk. I then scrubbed my body like my life depended on it, hitting every spots and every cracks.

Frank wiped his skin out, mocking me as he watched me, I’m sure I looked like a little chicken. Even fucking Gerard walked by, but he seemed lost in thoughts. He had morning tangled hair and sucked on a cigarette. Though his attention shifted pretty quickly when he noticed me. At first, he just stared, eyes widening, mouth slightly opened. I swallowed deeply and tried to ignored him as I rinsed my hair. I felt the water flowing down my skin, brushing my wet clothes against my body. Gerard then shook his head and looked away, I think I saw him blush, but I’m not sure because I had soap in my eyes. I squeezed them shut and acted like he wasn’t there. The sooner it’d be over with, the better it’d be. Once I was finished, I grabbed my towel and wrapped myself up with it. But Gerard wasn’t there anymore, neither was Frank.

“Alright! Feeling fresh now?” Ray asked.

I jumped, totally forgot he was there. “Yeah! Thanks man, I really needed that.”

“No prob.” He said, taking off the beer funnel and bag from the fence. “My arms are killing me.”

I laughed and thanked him again just before we went our separate ways. Once I got back to the van, Suko was gone. I finished drying my skin and picked up new clothes for the day. I then laid down on my bed and listened to the radio for a while, some relax jazzy music was coming out of it. I shut my eyes a little, but the vibration of my phone snapped me back. I picked it up and checked the message - unknown number again - though not that unknown to me.

“Still down for tea?”

“Yeah, where?”

“Come to the bus”

“Okay, I’ll be there in 5”

I flung my phone in my jeans and grabbed my jacket. It was pretty windy outside so I had to wrap my arms around myself. Most of the vehicles were gone now, making it easier to spot the bus. I started to run at some point, because I disrupted a kickball game between Bert and the boys, eliciting a few groans from them. “Sorry!” I yelled. I then reached the MCR bus in no time and sprinted the stairs as if it was home. The infamous cigarette smell invaded my nose as soon as I hit town.

“Hello?” I mumbled, welcomed by a total emptiness. “Gerard?” I stepped closer, bypassing the couch until reaching the micro kitchen. A kettle was heating up on the stove.

“Just a minute!” I heard from the back. “Take a seat, I’ll be there in 2.”

"Okay." I nodded and did as he told me. I sat on the sofa and stretch my legs on the coffee table. The silence around made me slightly nervous, tempting my brain to over think. I shook head and scanned the place. Nothing had really changed here, but then..something caught my eye. Gerard's note pad was on the table - the same one he'd forbidden me to touch, the first time I came here. Oh dammit, if I wasn't so curious, I would've just played with my hair or bit my nails - like normal people do when they wait.

But I'm not patient and definitely not a normal person.

I felt a sudden urge, it was growing in my stomach, impossible to ignore now. My eyes couldn't quit the book, consumed by the desire to know what was inside. Just a quick glance, he won't even know - I told myself.

Oh god, my hand was shaking now, daring to make the move I shouldn't. But in the splint of a second, I had already broken the rule.

This was so wrong.

I quickly opened the first page and gasped in awe at what I saw. Drawings, drawings everywhere, on every corner of the page, leaving no blank space at all. My eyes were overwhelmed from all the details and beauty - I couldn’t believe Gerard made this. From skeletons in suits to superheroes, broken hearted girls to bleeding flowers or even abstract darken shapes, it was like a real wonderland, trapped on paper. I skipped through more pages, unable to stop myself, forgetting where I was, forgetting the time and the day and the weather a-and….

forgetting that Gerard was right in front of me now.

“What are you doing there?” His voice snapped - hitting me like thunder.

I jumped and lifted my head, I closed the notepad immediately and threw it on the couch. “Huhh- just...”

Gerard was standing on the other side of the table, hands placed on his hips, a furious look on his face. “I told you not to look at that! What the fuck Mia!” He rushed to the couch and grabbed his book, shoving it roughly into his jacket.

I didn’t know how to defend myself, I clearly fucked up. “I’m sorry Gerard…” I gulped, avoiding his furry eyes who were now staring at me, waiting for explanations. “It was just so beautiful, I couldn’t help myself. I’m fucking sorry, p-please don’t be mad.” I begged him.

He sighed. “This is private Mia! Just keep your goddamn journalist hands away from my stuff!” He barked.

I frowned. “Yeah well, you didn’t keep your rockstar hands away from my tape either! This was private too!”

He squinted. “That’s not the same!”

“Oh and why is that so? It’s the exact same thing Gerard.” I crossed my arms.

“No, because I had a reason for doing it!”

“Pf- you could’ve totally ask my number to someone! There was no need to steal my work and record a stupid message on it!”

His eyes flared at me. “A stupid message? Then why did you bother showing up then?”

“B-because I…” I paused, groaning. “I needed to see if you were sincere.”

“Well I was sincere!” He shouted, voice raw and cracking.

“I know!” I whined.

“So stop twisting the conversation!”

I scowled. “I’m not twisting anything!”

“YES YOU ARE!”

“NO I’M NOT”

“YES MIA!”

“NO IM-”

Gladly the kettle on the stove caused me to shut up, a loud strident noise invaded our ears.

Gerard shook his head, eyes searching for the sound. He finally realized what it was, then stormed out of my sight. I gulped a few times, trying to calm down as the scream of the kettle gradually stopped. Gerard was making a mess in the kitchen, I heard dishes clash against each other, metal boxes opening, papers being crumpled. But I couldn't see what he was doing. No. Because his back was facing me- he seemed very agitated.

I adjusted my butt on the couch, waiting to see if he'd come back. He eventually did, holding a teapot on a tray with 2 cups. He placed it on the table and sat right next to me. Though we weren't saying a word - both way too proud to break the ice. I was just frowning, staring at the damn teapot. Gerard, on the other hand, was bitting and chewing his lips in a vicious way. I could hear his mouth slurping - his heels - clashing against each other. He was clearly uptight.

We just waited like that for a while, until the silence became too loud.

Gerard sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I stole your tape.” He grumpily said.

Wow, I didn’t expect that. I turned my head to look at him properly. “....M'sorry I looked into your book…”

Gerard had puppy eyes, but they seemed tensed. “Just promise you won’t do it again.”

I nodded. “I promise, but-” I squinted. “Why are you so hostile to show your work? You have so much talent Gerard, your drawings are brilliant…”

He sighed. “Because, it’s my own secret escape. It’s the only part of me I don’t have to share with the rest of the world. Probably the reason why I don’t kill myself.” Gerard crossed his legs and stretched his arms on top of the couch. Adopting a relax pose to mask the harsh reality of his words.

“Only a fascinating mind could ever draw such beauty Gerard. But I’m... I'm very sorry for what I did, I didn't know it was that important to you.” I glanced down, drowning in shame as I stared at my feet.

Gerard’s fingers suddenly cupped my chin. He lifted my head, causing our eyes to meet again. But he didn’t look angry anymore, he seemed worried, almost caring. My breath hitched in my throat, the warmth of his fingers made me quiver.

“You really think those drawings were good?” He mumbled.

“Y-yes.”

Gerard scanned me, thinking deeply. He then let go of my chin and grabbed the teapot. I was staggered, but the bad tensions were gone now. I watched him pour the liquid down our cups - I couldn’t believe we just made peace. We were such a breach.

Gerard handed me my cup. “Careful, it’s hot.”

“Thanks.” I smiled shyly.

He snuffed a short laugh before slurping his tea. “What does rockstar hands mean anyway?”

I frowned. “Huh?”

“You said I should keep my rockstar hands away from your tape…”

“Oh.” I giggled. “I don’t know actually...”

Gerard raised an eyebrow, smirking.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re so weird.”

“And what’s the problem with that?”

He shook his head. “It’s not a problem…” He paused, studying me. “Just... interesting.”

“Well you’re pretty weird yourself Mr.Way.” I sassed.

He shrugged. “Guess that makes us two then.”

“Yeah.” I laughed. “So... what journalist hands mean then?”

“Means sneaky hands, hands that wander where they shouldn’t.” He taunted.

“Ow….” I frowned. “Did you just like, invented that perhaps?”

"Maybe." He grinned.

A natural silence came, then Gerard grabbed a cigarette. He lighted the stick in a casual way, mouth curving on the left side as he did so. His cheeks hollowed as he dragged a long puff.

Oh, and I swear- his moves- they were so hot, so nonchalant and unaware. It was hypnotizing. I couldn't help but lose myself in him.But Gerard caught me looking at some point, yeah, right after the third puff. He simply smiled at me, a bit unsettled as he raised an eyebrow. Then his eyes twitched from left to right, as if to make sure he was the one I was really looking at. He blushed when he understood that he was, but, something was different about him. Yeah, he seemed undecided, smoking and arguing with his own mind.
I don't know why I wasn't saying anything.
Gerard suddenly crushed his cigarette in the ashtray that was on the table. He turned his body on the couch to face me, staring at me like he does before doing something. I flushed as I noticed he was leaning closer.

Too close, even.

Oh, fuck, I had to turn away.

Now.

Quickly.

“Huh- this tea was really good, t-thank you, Gerard! But hum, I should really get going, S-suko’s waiting.” I stood up and left my cup on the table. I wasted no time and rushed to the stairs quicker than the speed of sound.

“Wait! Mia!”

But damn, I was already outside.

Notes

friends?