I've always been told that a lack of answers makes everything worst. You become disoriented, misplaced- victim of your own delusion. It made sense, because since avoiding Gerard, I've never been more tensed.

I was still on my bed, laying in the dark - it was 9:54. I knew he was probably waiting for me by now, and that very thought forged butterflies in my stomach. I panted silently, toying with the tape while my other hand crumbled the note he left me. I even rewound his message a second time, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

But this wasn't a dream, it was the real world- no chance of escaping.

I sat straight up on the bed, inhaling deeply to gain my courage as the minutes ticked some more- 9:56 now.

"Fuck it, let's go." I whispered under my breath, it was now or never.

I shoved the tape under my pillow and stood on my trembling feet. A wave of uncertainty travelled through my members, but my brain was focused. I was doing the right thing and I knew it. Running away was for the weak, and I wasn't fucking weak- I was strong and ready.

Oh and tipsy too, yeah, damn tequila shots.

I just hopped outside, slamming the van's doors open, quite roughly. I almost scared myself at the sound. Then I shut them behind me, as violently as I opened them.

I simply jaunted in the night scene, and it was dark. People cursed and laughed hysterically. Some were running around, throwing liquid at each other. But I ignored them. I skipped through different areas, taking an alley between 2 buses. I squeezed myself within the crowd, muttering "Sorrys" on the way, just before finally, breaking through the heap. I took a deep breath, trying to plan my next move. But then, I bumped into an old dude who was holding a shit ton of fireworks. The impact caused the rockets to fall on the ground.

"Careful y'lil' gurl" He bragged, a huge cigar cut through his murmurs. I simply apologized and picked them up for him before continuing my way.

I tried to remember Gerard's words, I knew he said something about a pecan tree on the left side of the stage. Or was it the right side? Dammit. I couldn't remember. He said I couldn't miss it though, but I'm not an expert in trees. I mean, a pecan tree was obviously a nut tree, but like- how the fuck am I supposed to know? The areas surrounding the stage looked like a damn forest.

But it was 9:59 now. Shit.

My heart skipped beats, then I took a guess and picked the right side of the stage. I jumped over a speaker that blocked me the way, circling the tall structure. My feet sprawled the pavement, until finally, winding at the grass.

I scanned the heap of trees in sight.

10:01 now.

Dammit you time.

But seriously, he could've been more precise. It surely sounded mysterious, but that's pretty much all it did. A fucking pecan tree trashed in a pool of trees. I swear, they all looked the same. Oh well, at least the moon was there. She was my friend, she guided me.

I stepped further in the silence, abandoning the noisy world behind me, entering the ghostly part of the venue. Where only trees and grass were in sight.

After a couple of twists and turns and a lot of analyzing, my eyes spotted something. It's like...it's like the ground wasn't so flat anymore, it was moving up, evolving into a hill. Yeah, that's what it was. But I couldn't see what was on top of it so I decided to climb it. The butterflies in my stomach sprouted some more, as if this was supposed to happen. I know it was only a hill, but to me, it was more than that.

I fought against gravity, my feet stomped on the ground, escalating the dune in a forceful way. I was out of breath when I reached the top, but pretty dumbstruck too, because I had an incredible panoramic view of the landscape. All the city lights glared at me in the distance, it was stunning, but also strange. The stage seemed so little from up here, even the people.

I simply dreamt at the scene for a while, blanking at my purpose.

But then, I realized it was 10:03.

I shook my head and turned around. Though my eyes were confused by what they saw. There weren't any trees, no, only darkness and barley. Ow, maybe this was the wrong place, maybe this was the wrong side.

Dammit, I should've brought the tape with me.

But then my worries disappeared... I saw something.

There was... a small tree ahead. Yes, and it grew bigger as I got closer. I skipped through the meadow, sounds of the grass brushed my body. My heart raced uncontrollably.

This felt so strangely right.

There was a figure, or more like a shadow, pressed against the timber. It was all clear now, it was him- I had found the place, the fucking pecan tree. I slowed down my pace, tip toeing towards the shadow. First I recognized the back of his head, his raven hair entwined within the night. Also, a red dot floated in the air, it was the tip of his cigarette. I could already smell the burned tobacco.

I was just behind him when a cloud of smoke entered my lungs. I coughed without warning.

Gerard jumped at the sound and turned around, his big hazel eyes widening when he saw me- he seemed startled. We were both standing under a large branch, crying leaves dangled around us, shielding us from the rest of the world. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

I wondered who would speak first, it was so hard to find words. It's like they lingered on my lips but wouldn't come out.

But Gerard broke the silence.

"H-hi" He mumbled.

"Hey" I breathed.

"I was starting to think you'd never come..."

My lip curved on one side- scared to smile. "Yet here I am."

He snorted. "Yeah."

I cleared my throat- a long silence came.

Gerard's mellow voice broke it again. "Listen Mia, I know I'm not the easiest person to be around." He paused. "I can be a fu-"

"A fucking prick?"

"Y-yeah... a fucking prick." He admitted.

I scowled slightly - trying to keep my front - even though my insides melted when his shy smile caught my eye.

Gerard stepped closer. "Will you ever forgive me?" He asked frantically. "For what I did in the creek..."

"I-I don't know." I stuttered. "How can I be sure you'll never do it again?"

He sighed. "Because I... it's-" He stopped. "...it's what you told me afterwards, it hit me so fucking hard."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been playing with you Mia, since the start, not caring how it'd affect you. I haven't been honest..."

"And you had to pin me down 'till I cried to realized that?"

He twitched. "Maybe, maybe I had... and I'm fucking sorry for that."

I frowned - thoughts raced in my head ; images of his face threatening me, the blood he clawed on me, my naked body throbbing. I shivered and chased the memories away.

"I don't know what to tell you anymore, Mia." He looked down on himself. "Seems like sorry can't heal the damage I've done."

I scowled, then laughed bitterly. "Saying sorry doesn't do shit Gerard. It's not about what you say, but what you do." I took a step forward, almost touching him. "I'm so sick of playing your fucking game."

"Me too." He breathed out.

"Well then prove it to me, show me who you really are. Stop pretending to be someone you're not."

"I'm not pretending Mia, I just... I don't know who I am." He pulled off his damn intense puppy eyes again.

"Well get a grip, Way! We're all fucked, we've all got problems! Nobody in this world knows who they really are, it's just a learning process, it's painful and long and difficult. But if you keep running away like that, it won't do shit." I was on the edge, I couldn't control myself.

He frowned again. "I'm not running away."

I sighed. "For christ's sake Gerard, we wouldn't even have met in this bar if it weren't for your drinking problems! You're running away from yourself, and your goddamn life." My voice cracked. "And don't you dare say I'm lying."

Gerard simply swallowed my words. He opened his mouth but closed it instantly - his quick breathing turned into a groan. He sucked on his cigarette so harshly as he puzzled me, probably thinking of the right thing to say.

Though this bastard could've said anything, because his broken eyes had already stolen my heart, the second I came here.

I took a deep breath. "I ... I don't hate you, you know."

His eyes sparkled. "You don't?"

"No... that's the fucking problem, I- I wouldn't be here otherwise..."

He squinted. "Why is that a problem?"

I frowned. "What?"

"You just said that not hating me was a problem."

I gulped. "Well, it's a problem because, b-because..."

He searched for my eyes. "Because what?"

I sighed. "Because it makes everything fucking harder!"

"Mia..."

I turned around. "If only this was easy Gerard! If only I could just hate you and not give a fuck..." I cried. "But it's not, god it's fucking not." I dropped my butt harshly on the grass, facing the moon and holding my legs- I was shaking.

I almost thought he'd leave me there, but instead, he joined me. I didn't look at him - I just focused on the fucking moon.

"Mia..." He whispered brokenly. "I'm not worth all of this..."

I scowled.

"I'm not worth your tears."

His words crushed me. "It's too late now." I sniffed.

"Look at me Mia."

I groaned in defence.

"Look at me dammit!"

But I groaned again.

"I need to see your fucking eyes..." He begged. "Please, Mia... Look at me." His voice raised.

I gulped, turning slowly. Gerard seemed torn-up, on the edge, his pupils were dark now. He just dragged a long puff and leaned closer to me - I tilted back.

"Do you think we can be friends?" He asked.

"M-maybe..." I toyed with the grass, avoiding his eyes again.

"But we could try?"

"...I-I think so."

Gerard didn't say anything back. It seemed strange so I peeked at him.

What I saw struck me - he was smiling. My damn heart melted again and without noticing, a stupid smile drew my lips. Gerard spoke again.

"So... how do we start this?"

I squinted slightly. "Start what?"

"Being friends... is there like, a proper way?" He placed a careful hand on my thigh.

I gasped. "Uh, no. Guess we just have to be... ourselves."

"Okay hum, is there something you want to know about me?"

I chuckled shyly. "Let me see..." I studied him a bit. "What's up with all the moaning on stage?"

He blushed. "Uh, heat of the moment. Just comes naturally, don't know why."

I nodded. "Fair enough. What about you then? Wanna ask me something?"

"Yeah, where does Lechowski comes from?"

"It's my dad, he's Polish."

"Oh, cool. Your name always fascinated me, I really love saying it..."

I chuckled. "It's just a name really."

"Mia Lechowwski" He sang my name out of nowhere.

I started blushing.

"It feels nice on my lips." Gerard smiled to himself.

His words sparked bombs in my stomach, I looked away so he wouldn't see me turn into a tomato. "Huh.."

"I'm sure you'll write that in your article." He scoffed.

I squinted. "Tsss no, 'course not."

"Can I ask you one more question then?" His fingers gently squeezed my leg- I gasped again, Gerard heard me and chuckled warmly.

"Y-yes...?" I replied.

"Is there something going on between you and Bert?" Gerard examined me, his face getting way too close. I couldn't tell if he was jealous or curious, but god his eyes, they penetrated me.

I shook an eager no with my head. "N-no, were just messing around... Why?"

"Well, I saw you with him earlier, it looked steamy." He snapped like it was a reproach - clearly wanting to provoke me, not too much, though, but I guess this bastard couldn't help it.

I shrugged, sliding away from him. "Meh... he was too intense, it kinda turned me off."

His eyes widened. "Oh, so you two..."

"Nah, we tried."

He raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Ow, okay."

"What?" I laughed.

"Nothing." He brushed off.

"Tsss, what is it? Tell me." I nudged his arm.

He groaned, fighting a smile. "Just, didn't know he was your type."

"Uh, you don't know my type, Gerard. I've never told you."

"Guess you're right about that." He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, can I bump a smoke?"

"Sure." He searched through his pockets and handed me a cigarette. "There."

I placed the stick at the edge of my lips, a needy look on my face. He stared back, questioning me.

"Oh! Right, fire." He snapped, then brought his flame to the tip of my roll, shielding my face from the wind with his other hand.

I sucked and puffed until smoke invaded the space between us. "Thanks."

"You shouldn't thank me, this shit's poisonous." He said as he pulled back.

I snorted, then trailed off to the sky. "Guess you're a toxic friend, then."

"Yeah." He breathed as he bumped his arm on mine. "I guess so."

I nudged back. "Oh and by the way Gerard, don't record on my tape again, it's not an answering machine..."

"Huh, I just did that because I was desperate. Maybe if I had your number next time..." His voice mumbled the last sentence.

"Oh, so you're asking for my number now?"

"Maybe." He smirked.

I bit my lower lip. "Okay, well, give me your phone then."

He nodded and handed me his device - I dialled my number and waited for the ringtone. Once the melody played, I flung it back to him.

"Thanks, professional lady." He taunted.

"That way you'll be able to annoy me whenever you want." I scoffed, enjoying my cigarette some more.

He grinned. "Oh don't worry Lechowski, I will."

I rolled my eyes again, aiming the sky. A sudden weird explosion came from above. We both jumped and gasped. Gerard stood up first, searching for the noise. I followed behind.

"Mia! Mia Look!" He yelled.

I jogged to his side, bumping into his back- my eyes widened.

We were both standing at the edge of the cliff, facing the horizon. But that's not what captured our attention, no. It was the damn fireworks in the sky. They were probably a dozen of them- sparkling in different colours - contrasting within the black canvas of the milky way.

I glanced at Gerard, he looked like a little boy. The fire reflected in his eyes and I couldn't help but get lost again. My heart felt warm, warm like it never felt before. He caught me staring at some point, throwing a shy smile. I frowned and gazed away.

"This is fucking beautiful." He mumbled in awe.

"Yeah, fucking beautiful." I blinked blissfully, speechless.

We watched the fire rain fill the heavens, our ears bombarded by the blasting sounds. It didn't look like Warped anymore, or even Kansas for that matter. I felt on top of the world- nowhere and everywhere.

Gerard's hand was almost brushing mine, my fingers tingled so damn hard, retaining themselves not to graze him. I sensed my pinky moving closer, but his voice snapped me back.

"I think we should go back." He murmured.

"Y-yeah, good idea."

We strolled down the hill, the last rocket being launched in the air, it took us 4 minutes to reach backstage. We were quickly greeted by the busy scene. Once we made it to the MCR bus, Gerard stopped and pressed his back against the vehicle. He was right beside the door and facing me.

"So..." He said, scanning the ground. "Wanna have coffee or something?" His eyes travelled up my figure before locking into mine. He clearly anticipated my reaction.

"Oh hum..." I didn't expect that shit. "I think it's a bit too late for coffee..." I mumbled.

Gerard nodded, he seemed disappointed. "I underst-"

"But tea. Tea would be delightful." I cut him quickly. Don't know why I said delightful, though.

His face lightened up. "Oh, sure, yeah...." He blinked slowly, making up the fact that I didn't turn him away. "I... I could do that, sipping tea at midnight sounds pretty fancy to me..." He smirked.

I chuckled and was about to ask he'd like to do an interview with me, but instead, Frank and Ray popped out of nowhere and grabbed Gerard by the shoulders, dragging him violently behind the bus.

"Gee! Dude! You gotta see this!" Frank urged.

"Where the fuck were you man? Come on, you won't believe this shit!" Ray bragged.

Even Bert was there, giving me the nasty look.

"Uhhh what the hell's going on?" Gerard babbled. I heard him slur a couple of times just before he disappeared out of my sight, going god knows where.

I sighed and shrugged, staring at my sudden loneliness. Well, whatever, better get used to it. I guess being friends with a rockstar has it's conditions. But, was he really my friend? Could this be the start of a friendship? Guess only time could tell...

I sauntered back to my van, Suko was already in bed when I entered. The radio played in the back, it was the song Galapogos from the Smashing Pumpkins. I curled beside her and closed my eyes, soothing at the melody. God I loved this song. (Go listen to it seriously.)

I was just about to fall asleep, but my phone vibrated. I groaned slightly and searched for the device. I quickly found it and flipped it open.

I gasped - I've just received a text from an unknown number.

"Sorry for that bullshit, the guys had a surprise for me. Maybe have tea tomorrow? Sleep tight, Lechowski ox"

I smiled warmly and typed back.

"Goodnight Gee."

Notes

things evolve- things change- they always do. for better or worse.