The show had started 2 hours ago. But I wasn't behind the stage like I usually am. Nop. I was in the van, cleaning the goddamn mess in the back. Why? Because I couldn't fucking deal with Gerard. The thought of looking at him perform on stage was too much. I wish I could just pretend I was okay, but I wasn't- I wasn't fucking okay. His taunting face was a drug I've already overdosed from, way too many times.

It was pretty quiet around me. Everyone was glued to the stage. Helena echoed in the air and rebounded in me. Ugh. But I didn't want that, I didn't want to feel his voice in me.

I tried to ignore it.

Cleaning helped a bit, though, it managed my anxiety. The air was hot and sticky, causing me to rub the makeup on my face. I looked nasty.

"Mia?" Suko called from behind. She'd just entered the van.

I simply bumped my head at her, throwing garbage in a bag.

"Mia..." She reached my side. She knew something was wrong.

I just groaned and shrugged.

"Hey-hey-hey" She hushed, seizing my wrists.

"What?" I barked, I couldn't deal with someone holding my wrists, not again.

She frowned. "Whoa, look at you, what's wrong?"

I freed my hands from her, then kept on collecting papers. "This place- that's what's wrong. It's a fucking mess and we need to clean it."

She sighed. "Mia! It's already clean, you've taken all the trash out."

I ignored her remark.

She sighed again. "Look, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you."

I stopped harshly and scowled. "Well I didn't ask for your help."

She stepped back. "Alright then."

Dammit I felt bad. "Suko..."

"It's okay Mia, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. We're having a jam-session over there in the blue tent. Bert's looking for you... just- come whenever you want."

I didn't say anything. I just stayed there silently, staring at my bag of trash. Suko left immediately.

Ugh.

Why was I being so fucking hard on her? It wasn't her fault, she didn't do anything to me. Plus she was right, this place was clean now. Something else was up with me. I threw the bag of trash out and sat on the edge of the trunk.

I could hear Gerard's singing in the distance.

His voice - always his damn voice. Why couldn't he leave me alone? Just for once?

I shook my head and groaned as I grabbed a cigarette from on the floor. I just shoved the stick in my mouth, lighting it without care and not even bothered to check the state of it first.

And I swear, I was a fucking mess.

*

-6 pm-

I spent a good 45 minutes collecting my thoughts in the van. I finally got my spirit back and decided to join the others. Whenever I felt like shit, working was something that helped me cope. My tape recorder was in my pocket - ready to snap any scoops. I wondered why Bert was looking for me, though, maybe I could sneak in a couple of questions. He was always drunk and I knew it'd be easy to make him talk.

Hey look, I'm a journalist okay? You have to get devious a couple of times...grab a good opportunity when you see one.

I stepped in the tent and the first thing I saw were two long tables filled with booze. People were gathering in circle in the back. All the members from The Used were there, even some from Alexisonfire. I fangirled for a couple of seconds but immediately stopped myself. This wasn't the time.

They were playing music and Bert was singing. He caught my eye as soon as I reached closer. Plastic mattresses were spread on the ground and I sat on one of them, facing Bert. I smiled at him and he winked, he seemed happy to see me. Suko noticed me and scooted closer.

"Hey fuckface, you okay now?" She joked and gave me the tongue.

I snorted. "Yeah, sorry for that." I nudged her arm.

"Mia Lechowski!" A random dude called. I turned around.

"Huh yeah?"

"You're the girl I saw on MTV this morning."

I blushed. We started chitchatting about my interview and some other girl handed me a drink, it was fucking strong but I drank it anyway. I was getting pretty good at drowning my sorrows now, nothing a little drink couldn't fix.

When Bert finished his song he waved at me to join him. He took a seat on a black sofa in front of me.

"Hum, excuse me guys." I told the others and stood up. I tip toed in between the people who laid on the floor, making sure not to fall down. I finally reached his side and threw myself on the sofa, pressing my back on the armchair. My feet were touching his legs.

He smirked. "Hey gorgeous..."
"Hey." I replied flirtatiously and lighted a cigarette. I loved playing that seductive game - it made me feel free. It was easier with him though, because he didn't have a grip on me.

He brushed my leg with his fingers. "So, any plans for tonight?"

"Not really." I shot and dragged a puff. "You?"

"I didn't, but now I do..." He cocked an eyebrow. I totally knew what he meant.

I growled a laugh and bit my bottom lip.

His eyes were devouring me. "You know..." He started. "You look very sexy with that jacket."

I blushed from his brutal honesty, let's say this guy wasn't beating around the bush. I glanced away and searched from my tape recorder in my pocket, I placed it on the sofa and pressed the record button - he didn't even notice. "So Bert, tell me, how long have you known My Chem?"

He frowned. "I don't want to talk about them, it's you I want to know more about..." He leaned closer to me.

I gasped a little. Okay, maybe that wasn't a good time for getting scoops.

"I want to learn about the mysterious Mia Lechowski..." He sang my name seductively. "With a name like that doll, it's impossible not to wonder." His eyes travelled up my body.

"Well, what do you want to know, Bert, tell me?"

"Everything, everything about you."

My legs were now straddling his lap. Bert pressed a hand behind my back and pushed me against him. I chuckled at his sudden move but I didn't give a fuck. His face was just below mine now. He grinned.

"Well...it'd be much easier if you'd ask me questions." I teased, placing my arm around his shoulders.

He raised an eyebrow. "I'd like that very much, but I think we need more privacy..."

I blushed even harder. I didn't know what to tell him. He was clearly asking for sex, I mean, what else could it be? The voices in my head started to argue. One was telling me to dive in, do something crazy for once. Though the other... the other urged me to back off.

I kept on wondering for awhile.
But then, to my own surprise, all the MCR boys walked in. My heart pounded in my chest as soon as I saw Gerard. He'd just got out of stage and had a wild look on his face. He seemed drunk and his hair was soaked, like always. He grabbed a cup from one of the tables and poured whisky in it, a large fucking amount.
"Mia?" Bert shook me.

"Huh..." I gasped, but my eyes wouldn't quit Gerard.

That's when he spotted me.

Gerard frowned and took a huge sip - he seemed agitated. A girl started talking to him, drawing his attention away, but his gaze kept shifting on me.

"You know what, Bert?" I said. "Let's get outta here." I urged him as I stood up.
Bert puzzled me. "Now?"

"Y-yeah, now."

"Okay..." He smiled and grabbed my hand.

I dragged him out of the tent rapidly, I even bumped into Gerard on the way, but I didn't look back. I didn't dare to.

We were outside now, I was pacing in front of Bert.

I didn't even know where I was going, at all. I had no idea. I felt like a fish out of sea. At the wrong place. At the wrong time. Like I needed air, like I needed to get away. Get away from what kept me from breathing.

But then, Bert grabbed me by the waist from behind.

"Hey-hey... Not so fast." He mumbled against my neck. "Where d'you wanna go?"

I gasped in discomfort, my fucking anxiety was back. "Hum... your bus?" I suggested. My mind was acting impulsively again, I could feel it. The words just slipped out, and I let them go.

He laughed gutturally. "Mhm, that seems like a good plan baby."

I followed Bert to his bus, it took us a good 5 minutes to reach it. When we finally did, he opened the door for me and I climbed up the stairs. The place was huge, way more than the MCR bus. It was luxurious and clean, though a lot of party mess was in sight. I could see a big mountain of cocaine on a glass table with a rainbow assortment of ecstasy pills.

I just wandered around for a while, scanning the area nervously.
"So..." Bert sat on a large leather bench, it was glossy and pretty fancy. The vast window behind it welcomed the evening sun.
I gulped. "So?"

He chuckled. "What are you doing over there, comere."

"Hum, do you have something to drink? I think I'm really thirsty." I didn't feel so sure anymore.

"Huh yeah, just grab some water in the fridge."

Dammit. This wouldn't save me a lot of time. I nodded, strolling down to the fridge. "It's a pretty large bus you got there." I said, hoping to start a conversation.

"Yeah, took us a long time to get it, the beds are really spacious too."

Shit. There wasn't any way I could make him change subject. I gripped a bottle of water and warily stepped back to him.

He seemed impatient. "Come on baby..."

I cringed and finally sat on the bench but kept a distance, my body was super tensed.
He crawled towards me, grinning. "Now that no one's here to disturb us, I can finally start learning about you..."

"Huh Bert..." I leaned back.

"I want to discover all of you..." He got closer again.

"Bert, seriously, can we chi-"

"Shhhh" He pressed a finger on my lip and hoped over me, I sunk on the bench and gasped, pretty loudly. "Mia..." He then whispered. "Oh Mia..."

I was about to object him but I couldn't because he crushed his lips against mine. At first I didn't do anything, I felt his hungry mouth sucking on my bottom lip. His tongue was vicious, eating me up without any pride. He even moaned when I kissed him back. I just moved my mouth a little, I was still unsure. He was really rough, like- not in a nice way. And I wasn't aroused, at all. I just analyzed his moves and my eyes were opened wide.

That's a fucking bad sign, let me tell ya.

Then his hands ran down my sides and grabbed my ass, lifting me up so my core brushed against his bulge. He was already fucking hard, and wow, I panted. Then his rough kisses travelled down my neck, leaving a wet trail on the way. I tried not to freak out as I peaked down on him with worried eyes. But that's when he shoved a cold hand in my pants. Just like that, without any warning, just- straight up in my stupid pants.

I yawped and pushed him back with my feet.

"What? What is it?" He groaned, out of breath.
"Sorry Bert." I sat back on the edge, holding my head. "I can't do this."

"What? Fuck me? Why?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, something's wrong..."

"Well, if something's wrong, it's clearly not me." He shot bitterly.

I sighed. "Y-you're right, it's not you... it's me." I looked around, totally lost.
I stood up and grabbed the water bottle I had dropped.

"So what? You're just gonna leave me here?"

My back was facing him. "Pretty much."

"Pfff, you're a fucking tease."

I scowled at his words but didn't say anything. I felt fucking embarrassed. I hurried out of the bus and pressed myself against it. I was out of breath and closed my eyes. What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn't even drunk. Dammit. A vivid panic raised inside of me. I chugged down the water and inhaled deeply. Though my phone rang and saved me.

"Hello?" I mumbled.

"Mia! It's Todd!"

"Oh, hi Todd."

"I just wanted to call you to say how proud I am. You've done an excellent job this morning. I couldn't believe my eyes."

I snorted. "Thanks..."
"So, how's the adventure going? Still hanging?"
"Huh, yeah, yeah... still hanging."

"Glad to hear, how are the boys treating you?"

"Hum, they're alright, everybody gets along pretty well." I had to lie, I mean, come on.

"Perfect, well then, take care and talk soon."

"I will, bye."

I hung up and shoved my phone in my jacket.

But, something was weird, my pockets seemed lighter - I frisked nervously through every cracks of my jacket. Then truth hit me hard, my fucking tape was still in the tent. I had left it on the couch when I tried to interview Bert. I face-palmed. Oh god. If someone would ever get their hands on this, I swear, I'd be totally fucked. All my observations and personal notes were recorded on that. This was my golden mine, my secret box. I had to get it back before somebody else would.

I ran like a mad man but didn't remember where the tent was, I mean, there were so many of them. Plus Bert's bus was way in the back and I didn't pay attention on my way. I rushed in circles for a good 10 minutes - strolling down alleys - hopping over boxes and speakers. I finally found the blue tent when I recognized Frank's voice. He was chilling with Suko on a plastic chair. They laughed when they saw me.

"Wow Mia! What's up!" Frank yelled.

I was out of breath. "Huh, just, I need to find my, my..." I didn't know if I should tell him. "My hum.. phone..."

"Oh sorry, didn't see it." He shrugged.

Suko frowned and reached my side, pinning me on the side of the tent. "What the fuck Mia?
What's going on?" I loved how she could always read my mind.

"My tape recorder Suko! I left it in there, I need to find it!" I pushed her back.

"What happened with Bert?" She called but I was already away.

I entered the damn tent and gazed at the scene. I spotted the couch from earlier and jogged towards it. But my tape wasn't there - it wasn't fucking there. Dammit. I lifted the cushions and searched through the cracks. Nothing - it was gone. Somebody else had found it. Oh for christ's sake, what the fuck should I do now? This day was fucking crazy, but this, this was the cherry on top. That thing was my entire work.... I sighed and panted.

"Mia, you okay?" Ray asked, making me jump. He was on the floor, playing his guitar.

The place was still crowded, but I hadn't realized it until now.

I slid back down. "Not really..."

"What's the matter?"

"I lost my fucking tape." I grunted.

"Oh, that's weird, I think I saw it earlier."

My eyes widened. "What?"

"Yeah, I don't know, it's been a while, but I swear it was there."
"Oh fuck Ray, do you know who took it?" My voice was desperate.

"Hmm, no. There's just too much noise and action here, couldn't notice, sorry." He grimaced and shrugged helplessly.

I sighed. "Ugghhh."

"Want a drink?" He handed me a shot.

"Yes please!" I groaned and shoved the liquid down my throat. Then another, and a couple more - I needed to feel numb.

Once the alcohol kicked in, I felt a little better. Though I wondered where Gerard was, I hadn't seen him since I left with Bert. All the others were still there - it surprised me really. He would always stick around whenever the party was alive, maybe he was too drunk. Anyway, I chased the thought away and took another shot. I just stayed on the floor with Ray, trying to relax. He told me about the show, how amazing it was. He also asked why I didn't come, I told him I had a stomach ache. Pathetic I know, but it's the first bullshit I could think of.

I had just lighted a cigarette when Bert came back. As soon as I saw him, I cringed and wanted to go. I felt too ashamed for what happened earlier. Don't think I'd get a medal for the way I handled the situation - I really hoped he wouldn't brag behind my back.

"Listen Ray, I think I'll head back to the van..."

"No prob Mia, take care of your cramps." He winked.

I laughed dryly and left the tent as quick as lightning. Suko called me on my way but I told her I was tired. Which was true - I was exhausted mentally.

The night had just arrived, the crickets were chirping. I don't know why, but the darkness always soothed me. I took a quick turn in the grass to get some fresh air just before finding the van, probably talked to the moon on my way. If this was a sign of madness, I'd be the last to care, I guess sanity was just an old friend now - better make peace with the devils inside. Once I finally reached the car, I opened the large doors. I smiled when I was welcomed by the tidiness of the place - I couldn't lie - I did a pretty good cleaning job. But...

There was something on my bed, something that wasn't there earlier. It was small, black,
squarely shaped. Almost like....

like....

my tape?

I gasped and threw myself on the bed. I didn't understand. Why was my fucking tape in the van? Who the fuck put it there? I grabbed it immediately - a note was sticking on it.

"Play me" it said.

I frowned, who the fuck did this? I pushed play and waited. At first, it was just noisy, but then, I heard someone breathing. I pressed the tape against my ear - my mouth dropped when I recognized the voice.

"Mia... it's Gerard..." His tone was weak, hesitant, maybe wasted.

"Listen Mia, I know this is fucking weird... I'm talking to this damn microphone all alone and I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. But I couldn't find a better way to speak to you. I know you've been avoiding me..."

I heard him sigh loudly.

"I'm... I'm fucking sorry Mia. I can't stop thinking about what I did, it's driving me crazy..."

His voice cracked then a long silence came. My breath hitched in my throat.

"A-anyway, I don't even know if you'll listen to this but...if you ever do, meet me near the pecan tree on the right side of the stage at 10pm tonight, you can't miss it. I'll be waiting for you... if you ever come..."

A clicking sound came. I pressed stop. I checked my watch. It was 9.45pm.

Notes

hope yall like dis shit