I remember Todd’s words.

When he warned me, about the life here, about the people.

But it’s such a shame really, cuz you can only realize once it happens to you.

When the damage is done, only then, you can truly understand.

*

A Iero Confession

It was 8 am and everybody was already up, I was too, but that's because I hadn't slept. Suko and the boys gathered for breakfast outside. I could already smell the scent of burned toasts and coffee, even the birds chirped loudly. And if this bullshit didn't happen last night, I swear, this could've been a perfect morning.

We were lost somewhere in Kansas, in the middle of nowhere. The sun shined heavily and when I stepped out of the van, I was amazed at how beautiful the day was. I could now see the emerald leaves of the trees and the yellow soil spreading, welcoming the crystal water. There were flowers too, drawing along the forest's border. I was still wearing my crop top and boxer, but I didn't care really. All the others had their swimsuits on. Suko laid down on a towel, enjoying the heat. Frank poured fresh coffee in plastic mugs. Mikey, Ray and Bob were there too, chitchatting about random stuff as they bathed their toes in the creek. It was a beautiful scene, really. But Gerard wasn't there. I scanned everyone for a while, hesitant as I came closer.

I finally took a seat on a plastic chair behind Frank.

“Hey you.” He said when he noticed me after a good minute.

“Hi.” I yawned, protecting my eyes from the heavy rays.

“How you feeling this morning?” He turned around to hand me a coffee.

“Thanks.” I grabbed the heated mug. “Fine, just, tired.”

He had a concerned look on his face. “Did you went for a swim last night?”

“Huh…” I took a sip but it burned my tongue. “I did yeah…”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so that was you.” A wide grin spread on his lips as he sat on the chair beside me.

Shit, I wondered if he noticed anything else. “Uh- didn’t know you’d wake up, sorry.”

“Well, it’s not just you, Gee was there too. Were you guys like-- fighting or what?”

I gulped. “Huh- We uh...” Fuck. What could I tell him? The truth? Oh hell no. But lying wasn’t better.

“Listen Mia, I know you and Gerard have some kinda thing going on...” Frank placed a caring hand on my knee. “I don’t know what it is, but please, be careful with him.”

I shook my head. “What do you mean?”

“Gerard’s not stable Mia. He’s been drinking a lot lately. He’s going through a rough time and when that happens, he hurts everyone around him. He doesn’t know his limits, and if you ever get too close…” He leaned forward and cupped my cheek. “You won’t like what you see, trust me.”

I laughed nervously and pushed him back. “Well, it’s not like I have a choice Frank. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but I need to get close, it’s my fucking job.”

“I know Mia. But last night didn’t look pretty to me.” He glared. “What did he do to you?”

I shrugged. “Nothing…”

His eyes widened. “Mia… come on, I heard things.”

“Look Frank, nothing happened okay? We just had a little argument, that’s all.”

He sighed, totally not convinced though. “Alright, if you say so…”

I poked his arm. “Seriously Frank, it’s no biggie.”

He puzzled me for a second. “Look, just be careful okay? Unlike you, I know Gerard. I know what kind of things he can do, especially to girls he wants.”

I choked on my last sip. “Girls he wants?”

He chuckled silently. “Yeah Mia. Gerard spotted you since the first day. That’s why I’m fucking warning you, as a friend.”

Oh my god, what the fuck was that supposed to mean? Spotted me since the first day? Like what, some kind of piece of meat? And if he truly wanted me, let’s say he had a pretty wicked way to show it.

I frowned and pouted. “Well, I don’t care about him.” That was a complete lie. “Plus he can get all the girls he wants anyway.”

“Yes I know Mia..." Frank whispered as Ray walked past us - he shielded his mouth to block the sound. "But Gerard always wants the one he can’t have.”

Oh well, what a darned thing to know, really. Especially on the morning I’d decided not to speak to him again.

“Don’t worry Frank, I won’t get close.” I assured him, eyes subtly travelling to the tour bus. I couldn’t help but wonder what Gerard was doing over there.

“Anyway, we’re leaving in 5.” Frank stood up and grabbed a cigarette. “But what I told you needs to stay between us, okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, yeah of course.” I watched him go but he stopped halfway.

“Oh and- take my number from Suko’s phone. That way I’ll know you can reach me... in case shit turns bad.” He winked.

I laughed. “Sure, will do.”

I finished my cup of coffee and walked back to the van. Then I searched for new pair of pants through the mess we’ve accumulated near our beds, cursing under my breath. It was a chaotic haze in there; random CDs, Redbulls and dirty clothes laid ungracefully throughout the whole surface. I sighed again. We really needed to clean that up.

But then, as I searched through the piles, something else happened. I remembered Gerard’s face. I tried to chase the images away, but they wouldn’t go. I remembered the moment when he felt my tears, when his eyes shifted and guilt-ridden voice cried out. Ugh, it’s was so fucking strange, because a few seconds before, I really thought he was about to kill me.

This fucked up incident made me realize I knew nothing about him. This boy had dark secrets, buried deep inside - and now the simple grasp of it was leaving me astray, drawing a total blank on why I was here at all.

From devil to angel, he was.

I couldn’t lie, I was fucking terrified of Gerard Way.

*

Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, Kansas

-11am-

The third show was supposed to start at 3pm that day. We’ve just arrived at the new location and from what I could see, it was already jam-packed. Our buses parked backstage like they always did. It was really cool because unlike the other places, this one was surrounded by pastures and trees. The stage was incredibly beautiful - metallic fixtures were suspended on top for the lightnings and a little roof engulfed the front row seats. It created a more intimate atmosphere. The vibe was very different from Ohio or Wisconsin. There were a lot of hippies, which was kind of surprising for a punk show. Though the usual emo kids were there too. I had just got out of the van and started to wander backstage when I heard my phone ring. I grabbed my device and pressed myself behind a large speaker. I blocked one of my ears to hear properly just before answering.

“Mia Lechowski.”

“Mia! How are you darling?” The voice was British, I think I recognized it.

“Ow, I’m fine, who am I speaking to?” I asked, still not sure.

“Oops, sorry, forgot to tell you. It’s James, James McCann from Kerrang!UK.”

Oh damn I knew it, the big boss, MY big boss. “Yes! James!”

He laughed. “As you may noticed, I’m not calling you from Europe. I’m currently in the U.S with my team. We’re here to film a promotion clip for our next edition, the one you’ll be part of.”

I nodded slowly at his words. “Oh right, great.” I was still trying to understand why he was calling me.

“Listen, we’re in Bonner Springs right now, Kansas.”

I almost cursed. “Huh, that’s exactly where we are!”

“Of course you are, because it’s you that we need. Listen, can you meet me on the east plaza behind the stage in about 5 minutes?”

“Uhhh, yes? But how am I supposed to recognize you?”

“Trust me, you will. I have to hang up now, cheers Mia.”

“Okay bu-”

And just like that, he hung up. I stayed still for a couple of seconds. Wondering what should be my next act. People walked past me, some of them even glared at me, a panic look was plastered on my face. Shit. I had to make a move, but something inside of me told me not to. As if shit was about to happen. This phone call I’ve received was suspicious, in every possible way. From the lack of information to the hurried tone in James’s voice, it was fishy, like real fishy fishy. My eyes scanned the scene in vain, in the hope to find Suko. But too many people were there, they blocked the view. Plus I only had 5 minutes to find the damn East Plaza. Ugh, I didn’t even know where the hell that was!

After a couple of bumping and turning I finally found the so called Plaza. It was just at the left side of the stage and a large tent had been installed. There were a lot of cameras and people moving fast, talking in earplugs. Some sort of fake living room with 2 black sofas was crafted in the middle. James was right though, because I recognized him immediately.

“MIA LECHOWSKI! Here you are!” James walked up to me, or more like jumped on me. His hair was blond and shaved on one side of his head. Tattoos covered his arms and he wore a black tie. He also had a beard and his nose was pretty large, he couldn’t look more British than that. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet the face behind the voice!”

I smiled. “Nice to meet you too James.” I was trying my best not to get distracted by all the action behind him. Seriously, what the hell was going on? I noticed an MTV sign on one of the cameras. Wtf.

“Listen Mia, how good are you with cameras?”

His words caught my attention. “Ca-cameras?” I stuttered.

He grinned. “Yes, have you had any experience with them before?”

I was getting nervous. “Not really…” I frowned.

“Okay, well, suppose that’s not a problem. I have the honour to announce you that you’ll be the one hosting our promotion clip for Warped Tour! It’ll be airing live on MTV this afternoon.”

I squinted, my heart skipped a beat. “W-whaat?”

“Yes Mia, but all you’ll have to do is interview the boys! I mean, that’s something you’re good at.” He cleared his throat and grabbed my shoulders to whisper in my ear. “MTV wanted someone else for the job, but I figured you’d be a better pick.”

I was shaking, this wasn’t possible. LIVE ON TV? ME? Oh come on…

My face was freaking hot. “Eeeh James, I don’t think this is uuhh-”

But James didn’t give a fuck about my weak objection.

“Come on now! We need to get you ready!” He said as he dragged me to the other side of the tent. He waved at a black haired lady. “Simone! Get Mia ready for the interview will ya?”

The woman named Simone nodded and soon after - I was shoved on a chair.

Then I couldn't see anything anymore. Everything went white. That's when I realized, Simone just put powder on my face. It smelled like plastic and I couldn't help but choke. Then I felt a cone brushing through my tangled hair - my head tilted back. It fucking hurt.

“Ouch!” I whined.

"Come on love, gotta suffer to be pretty, you'll look ravaging once I'm finished!" Simone told me, she smacked some sort of mint candy and I cringed at the sound of her chewing.

"Y-yeah, that's why they sayyy-ouch!" I hissed some more.

I swear, it hurt so much, I was freaking out. I didn't understand what was happening, everything went so fast. From greetings to beauty salon and now soon, host of a damn live show.

When Simone finished playing with my hair, she leaned in front of my face to apply some red lipstick on my lips.

“Huh?” I gasped when I saw the brush approaching my mouth.

She sighed. “It’s just lipstick sweetie, it won’t bite. You need it for the show.”

I nodded and squeezed my eyes as I let her apply the rest of the makeup. The air was sticky and I hated the feeling of all this mixture on my face. But whatever, I had no fucking choice.

After a good 5 minutes, Simone took a step back and admired her work. “There you go! What a beauty you are sweetheart!” She claimed, her big plump lips smiled at me.

I stood still, not even blinking. Simone held a mirror in front of my face.

“Come on! Have a look! Don’t be scared!” She urged me.

And I did. And wow. And what the fuck. What a shock. I looked completely different. My eyelashes were black and popping out, a fat eyeliner line had been drawn at the corner of my lids, giving me a cat-eye look. My lips were crimson red, they looked much bigger now. Even my hair was smooth and silky with a couple of strands pinned on top of my head.

I didn't recognize the girl facing me.

“Damn…” I muttered.

“Sexy right?” Nicole winked. “ Here, wear this.” She threw a black leather jacket on my knees, I jumped.

Then I grabbed the coat and examined it for a while. It looked tight as hell. I stood on my feet to switch jackets, but surprisingly, it fitted me perfectly.

“WOW MIA!” A voice shouted from behind.

I turned around. “Suko! Oh god where the fuck were you?”

“I was with the boys, but I was looking for you!” She reached my side and gawked at me for a while. “Wow, Mia, you look so hot...”

I blushed. “Thanks hum, but were you aware of this?” I pointed out the area with my eyes.

“Yeah, well, I am now. The band knows too. Apparently this thing was scheduled a while ago…” She grinned shyly and rubbed her neck.

“Bummer.” I sighed and dropped back on my chair. “I don’t know if I can do this Suko.” I cried.

She chuckled. “Of course you can!” She kneeled down beside me. “All you’ll need to do, is look hot and make all the teenagers of this world wish they were you!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah…”

“Mia!” James called as he appeared out of nowhere. We both looked at him. “Splendid! Mia, you look splendid.” He grinned widely and grabbed my hand. “It’s time to go! Come on!”

“Huh? N-now?” I stuttered, hesitant to follow him.

He sighed. “Yes now! We need to get you on set, we’re airing in 20 minutes.”

I gave a cry-for-help look at Suko one last time before James dragged me away. James then settled me on a little stool. I was in the fake living room I previously saw. Cameras were facing me, on every angles.

“Okay Mia, these are the questions you’ll be asking.” James handed me a series of notes. “Don’t worry, nothing to make you uncomfortable.”

I nodded as I skipped threw the piece of papers, fingers shaking. It was so hard to read with all the damn makeup on my eyes, it burned me already. Also bright spotlights reflected right in my face, they blinded me. I tried not to squint but it was impossible.

“All right, just keep on reading them until the band shows up, I’ll be right in the back.” James rubbed my shoulders lightly and strolled behind the cameras.

I kept on reading the damn papers for a short eternity, trying my best to ignore the circus around me. But then I heard familiar voices. I lifted my head and spotted Frank - the 4 others were behind him. James immediately greeted and assigned them - they all gathered on the sofa beside me.

My muscles tensed when I saw Gerard, I hadn’t seen him since last night. He totally noticed me though - but I pretended to look at my notes. Then I heard Frank whistle at me.

I turned my head and smiled awkwardly. “Hey…”

Frank grinned. “Damn Mia, I swear, I didn’t recognized you at first.” He shot. He had X painted on his eyes, he wore his stage clothes and looked like an emo vampire.

I let out a dry laugh. “Yeah…guess they had their way with me.” I shrugged.

I caught Gerard staring at me but he glanced away as soon as I did - he was toying with his sleeves. I tried to focus on something else, it was really hard not to bite my nails, so I wobbled my butt on the stool. The boys kept on joking and smoking, but then a woman walked up to us.

“Alright everyone, we’re live in 3 minutes.” She was holding a pad and a pair of headsets was placed on her head. “Just play it cool and forget about the cameras.”

“Yeah yeah, no prob.” Ray shot, he was laughing under his breath because Gerard was saying something to him, but I couldn’t hear it properly. They all seemed pretty relaxed though.

Unlike me - who was slowly dying on that stool.

James came to see me before the countdown and gave me a microphone. He curled at my legs and eyed me seriously. “Okay Mia, look, just ask the questions, say your name and present the band, all that good stuff.”

I nodded quickly.

“I trust you, now show me what you got love!” He whispered and vanished.

I swallowed heavily and looked around. Frank was smiling at me, his lips muttered something to me. Something like... "Chill out" or "Chill down" ....Ugh, but that didn't help at all. When someone's freaking out, never tell them to chill down - it never fucking works.

I was a goddamn train-wreck and now, only a miracle would save me from this dread.

“Okay we’re live in….3” A voice shouted from behind.

“2….” Oh god. No. Please.

“1….” KILL ME

“AAAAAND WE’RE LIVE…”

The spots became brighter. The cameras turned red. I heard a zooming sound and a painful silence came around me. This was it. Half of the country was now looking at me through their TV and I wasn’t saying a damn word.

James stood behind a camera, gesticulating at me. I heard Ray cough.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “Uhh, Hi! Welcome!” I finally said, god that sounded awful. “This is Mia Lechowski, from Kerrang Magazine live at Warped Tour 2005!”

James gave me the thumbs up.

“We’ll be taking a lovely stroll down memory lane to have a look at the band who’s making this summer so wonderful!” I smiled widely and turned around to look at the boys - a sudden adrenaline rush bolted through my veins. “I’m here with the incredible members of the band My Chemical Romance!”

“Heyyyy!” They all chanted.

I glanced at my notes quickly. “S-so hum, have you guys ever been to Warped Tour before playing here?”

“Oh yeah, I used to come home with bags of garbage!” Frank joked - everybody laughed.

Ray nodded. “Yeah they sell so many stuff in here…”

“You got pins and t-shirt and wristbands, it’s really hard to resist when you’re a teenage kid.” Frank explained.

I laughed. “Guess it must be. So, what do you guys love the most about Warped Tour?”

“The clean toilets, they looked way cleaner today.” Gerard shot - making all the others giggle sloppily.

I shook my head.

“That’s because we arrived earlier.” Frank replied.

“Yeah just wait for midnight, it’ll be a mess down there.” Ray pointed out.

“So from what I can take, you guys love the toilets?” I joked.

Gerard groaned a laugh. “Nah, what’s fascinating to me is the mixture of people. Everybody has different beliefs but we’re all here for the music so we don’t give a fuck.” His voice was raw and crunchy.

I nodded and leaned my microphone closer to him. I could hear him smack his damn bubblegum.

“Last year we weren’t qualified as a Warped band, but this year we have our grounds, more kids know us, you can feel it in the crowd.” He added.

“Do you think playing in front of people you wouldn’t normally makes it more of a challenge?” I asked, totally forgetting the questions on my notes.

“Yeah absolutely, but that’s the beauty of it.” Frank said. “It’s just a big mess and that’s why we love it.”

“Yeah and this year there’s a lot of newer bands, some we’ve never heard of, or only a little. And that’s been cool so far.” Gerard added.

Mikey nodded in silence in the back.

“So, what’s next then?” I asked, scanning all of them.

“Well, I think you know.” Gerard smirked, looking directly at me.

I blushed. “Huh? No I don’t.” This wasn’t part of the plan.

“Yeah you do Mia...” He whispered.

I squinted.

Frank chuckled nervously. “Well, we’re still touring for a whole week, but then we’re all having a break in Jersey for 5 days.” He said, rescuing me from the growing tension.

I panted. “Oh that’s great!” I went through my papers quickly. “So, hum, any favourite bands so far?”

“Taking Back Sunday.” Gerard claimed. “They’re the coolest to play or hang out with, really my favourite, they’re fucking rad.” He crossed his legs and arms

“Yeah!” Ray continued. “Taking Back Sunday are the best to see live.”

I nodded and smiled. “What do you guys associate Warped Tour with the most?”

“Shower.” Mikey said.

Frank snorted. “Yeah, and baby wipes.”

Gerard giggled and sniffed his nose. “Ugh, I’m always drenched in sweat, it’s so horrible.”

I stared at him. “Well, maybe that's because you’re too intense sometimes...”Gerard frowned slightly - he totally knew I was talking about last night. I didn't break my stare though, and I swear, this goddamn interview was on the verge of getting unprofessional.

But gladly, I noticed James. He was gestured weird signs at me, very exaggeratedly, telling me to wrap it up. I quickly skipped to my last question.

“So anyway, all things aside, are you guys excited to be part of Kerrang’s special edition?” I asked, sounding way too happy.

Gerard's eyes flared at me. "Yeah, huge honour." He said as he wiggled his eyebrows and licked his bottom lip.

I gasped and shifted my attention back to the camera.

“Alright well, thank you guys! Guess it’s all the time we have!” I exclaimed. “Thank you everyone at home for watching, and please, make sure to stay tuned for more Warped Tour coverage!” I stood up. “This is Mia Lechowski for Kerrang Magazine, have a great summer, and keep it safe.” I winked.

The boys said their goodbyes and waved at the camera one last time. I pulled my best skillful smile and waited for the director’s signal.

“AND CUT!”

As soon as I heard those words, I exhaled loudly and threw myself on the other couch. I grabbed my sweaty face, my heart raced chaotically.

“Mia! You were fantastic!” James yelled as he came up to me.

I lifted my head. “Wha? Ow, thanks.”

“Yeah seriously Mia, I was impressed.” Frank said as he stood up from the sofa.

“Didn’t know you were that professional.” Ray added.

I frowned but my lips fought a smile. “Thanks guys, though I’m never doing that again...”

James laughed. “Aw, come on! You were great! Now all the country knows about you!” He tapped my back and raised me on my feet. I smiled poorly at his words.

A random cameraman also congratulated me, even Suko squealed when she joined us. She wouldn’t stop ranting about how good I was. I humbly thanked all of them and walked out of the tent. I needed to chill out, everybody was after me and I couldn’t deal with all the attention.

I spotted a small buffet in the distance. I immediately ran to it and grabbed a cold beer. I chugged it down hungrily and pressed my butt on the table. I was finally able to get my breath back. I couldn’t believe I just aired on MTV, this was beyond my comprehension. I dreamt at nothing for a while.

But as you all know, this never last very long. Gerard was just a few meters away. He was talking to one of the team members. I tried to ignore him, but at some point, he totally looked at me. We both stared at each other. Then, a soft smile drew his lips, but I didn't smile back. Oh no, I scowled at him, pretty harshly. Gerard frowned at my bitterness and shifted on his feet as he scratched his head. He seemed tensed, his face twitched, he was thinking about something again.

I almost thought he'd walk up to me, do his little attitude or whatever, but instead, he disappeared behind a bus.

I groaned a little. I didn’t know if he felt bad about last night. It seemed like he was trying to brush it off, hoping I’d forgive him. But I couldn't, I was still hurt. They say time that time heals, maybe I'd have to test it on my own. Though I needed to stop worrying about him.

From now on, I’d avoid him. Yeah, pretend like he was a ghost to me.

Only strict business and nothing else.

That would work.

Would it?

Notes

hey guys, I'm currently going through some MCR old footage for references and idk why but it's painful. anyway, next part should be up soon. x (sorry if bob is absent, it's just too many peeps and I can't deal)