Beep! Beep! Beep!
An annoying sound fills my ears. Oh, fuck, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. The smell of laundry detergent, bleach and hand sanitizer rush up my nose. I try to open my eyes but they feel super-glued shut. I try to wiggle my fingers, but it’s impossible. I’m just so exhausted, I feel dead. I feel a dull ache in my lower back but it’s not as bad as before. I can feel some bandages on my chest and something poking my inner arm. I will kill Gerard if he brought me to a hospital…
“Oh, Lindsey…I…I’m so stupid. Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Gerard’s sorry voice is coming from my right. I now realize he’s got my hand too. “I’m so, so, so, so, so sorry.” There is a silence. I feel his thumb brush lightly across my knuckles. “I wish I could have…” Another long silence. “I’ll kill that bastard!” He shouts, scaring me half to death. “I will, Lindsey, I’ll kill him and cause him double the pain he caused you. Fuck, I’m so sorry. What have I done? Oh, what have I done…?”
Suddenly I hear the door swing open quietly. Gerard just keeps muttering to himself. “What have I done, I’m so sorry. What have I done…what…have…I…done?”
“Gerard…?” A voice by the door speaks. It’s a pre-teen sounding voice.
I feel Gerard start and look up suddenly. “Mikey, oh my god, what are you doing down here? You’re supposed to be upstairs.”
“They said I could come down to visit you and the girl. So this is her? The famous Lindsey?” I hear Gerard sigh.
“Yeah, this is her. Come here, Mikes.” I feel him retract his hand from mine and I hear the Mikey kid pad over and sit with Gerard.
“So, as you were saying, what have you done?” Mikey ponders. He sounds like a smart kid.
“Oh Mikey…” Gerard sighs again. “Too much.” I hear Mikey stand and then I feel his fingers brush my neck across Gerard’s fingers marks where he strangled me.
“Did you do this?” Mikey asks.
“Yes.” Gerard answers sheepishly.
“And,” Mikey’s fingers brush my bruised jaw. “This?”
“Yes.”
Mikey’s hand trails up to my black eye. “And this?”
“Yes Mikey. I am a terrible person.”
“Yes, you are pretty bad.” Mikey confirms. I hear him settle back with Gerard. “But, you can also be amazing. I know you and I know that sometimes you have a funny way of showing your love.”
“No,” Gerard rushes out. “I don’t love her Mikey.” They can’t be talking about me. Gerard doesn’t love me, he hates me!
I hear Mikey let out a truly disbelieving laugh. “Ha! You wish Mr.”
“Ugh! Nurse!” Gerard calls. “Take this rascal back to his room.” Mikey giggles and Gerard chuckles. I’ve never heard Gerard sound so happy. It’s sort of nice. If only he was like this around me too, maybe he will be...their laughing voices fade away.

~

Suddenly the annoying sound of snoring fills my ears. My eyes fly open and I shoot up.
“Oh Jesus!” My eyes turn to the side to see an unhealthily skinny looking kid with glasses, wearing a hospital gown sitting next to my hospital bed. His voice is familiar…Oh right! It’s Mikey! “I’m sorry. Gerard has always been a loud snorer… Anyway, I’m Mikey, you already know that though.”
I give him a confused look. “You know, after being in a hospital for a year I have picked up a few skills. I know what it’s like to be awake, but not be able to move. Happens to me all the time.” He shrugs.
“Um…h-hi…?” I say more like a question, blushing slightly at being caught.
“Hi!” He beams at me. “Are you alright? I should call the nurse now that you are officially awake. You took a pretty bad beating… I’m sorry, Gerard told me what happened. He hasn’t left your side all day and night, although I know that after he sees you’re awake he has other plans… Ah! I shouldn’t have said that!” He shakes his head at himself. He is a funny kid, quite talkative.
I shuffle around a little to get a better look around the room and cry out at the movement. I feel like there’s a log stuck up my ass, driving splinters into my skin. Mikey rushes to my side. “Oh, yeah. You better take it easy. I’m gonna get the nurse…”
“No!” I grab his arm to keep him by my side. I like him, he’s nice to me and he seems to be full of information. “I mean, what did you mean Gerard has other plans?”
“Oh I don’t know if I should…I already told you too much.” He shakes his head.
“Please Mikey…” I pout.
“Well, Gerard, he…well, you know him…he was pretty mad about your father and, um, he may have said he was going to, um, find him and rip his head off his shoulders and burn his body…yeah.” I gasp.
“He can’t, my dad, he’ll kill me if he finds out I told. Ah…” I claw at my hair. “I shouldn’t have been so stupid to tell him. It’s all my fault…” Tears sting my eyes.
“Oh no, Lindsey, please don’t say that. It wasn’t your fault. Your father, he’s a sick, sick man. I should know…” Mikey’s kind words comfort me a little.
I sniffle and wipe my nose. “Mikey, what do you mean, ‘you should know’?”
“Well,” he sighs and sinks onto the bed beside me. I move over, slowly, to make room for him. He smiles at my action and snuggles in beside me. Man, he’s bold… He takes one of my hands in his, rubbing it between his thumbs. “I like you, so, I’ll tell you.”
I nod at him. “Please…”
Mikey looks over his shoulder to Gerard and smiles to himself. “Well, you might have guessed, Gerard is my older brother. I’m thirteen now so it happened two years ago… Mine and Gerard’s dad…he’s not the best, actually he’s the worst. Our mom was so kind and nice, I miss her. She died when I was ten. Cancer. She suffered for a long time and completely drained all our money, it made my father grow bitter and cruel. They were never truly in love and once she got cancer and he had to put up with her, no money and two hyper boys, he got into some bad stuff. I don’t know exactly what, but by the time she died I’m pretty sure he had fucked just about all of New Jersey. But, apparently that wasn’t enough. When she died there was no one to protect us anymore. He came at Gerard first, but he managed to get away and in his angry state, ran out of the apartment. That left me alone. Gerard, I know he feels terrible…he apologizes every day for leaving me and I forgive him. It’s not his fault, it’s my father’s. That day he raped me, just like you. Fortunately, Gerard returned not long after he ran out and nearly killed our father right there in the living room. He took me straight to the hospital where they ran a bunch of tests and found out that although, I didn’t catch any disease I’m sure my dad had, I have leukemia. So, yeah. That’s why I’m in the hospital. Been here for a year. They say I have, maybe, one more year.” He forces a smile at me. “Hey, hey. Stop crying. It’s okay, I’ve come to terms with it.” I didn’t even realize I was crying.
“Mikey, I’m so sorry.” I squeeze his hands reassuringly.
“I know. Everybody is, but it’s really nice to hear it from you because I know you know what it’s like.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I do now.” We smile at each other and exchange a mutual understanding and comfort. In that moment, I feel, for the first time in forever, kind of okay.
“Hey Mikey, what is…Oh.” Mikey and I turn to see Gerard stir and wake up. He turns white as a sheet when he catches sight of me. His raven hair is perfectly sleep tousled. It looks beautiful…Ugh! What was that?
“Hey Gerard.” Mikey bubbles. “Lindsey is up.”
“Yeah.” He acknowledges. “Lindsey…” he walks over to us. “How are you?”
I nod slightly at him. He comes over to the side of the bed. I flinch when he sits down on the edge. Mikey looks between us and smiles, then slips out of the bed.
“I’m gonna go get the nurse.”
“Thanks Mikey.” Gerard says. “That’d be great.” After Mikey leaves, Gerard turns to me. I give a small shudder under his intense gaze.
“Lindsey,” he breathes. “I need you to tell me where you live.”
I shake my head in confusion. “What?”
“Just tell me where you live.”
“Why?”
“Because…just because.”
“No.” I remember what Mikey told me. “You’re only going to get me killed.”
“Fuck, Lindsey. Why are you so goddamn stubborn? You can’t just not do anything, he’ll only hurt you again until he kills you.”
Angry courage bubbles up in my throat. “And what about you, huh? You hurt me. A lot of people hurt me, Gerard, it’s just a fact of my life.” I stick my hands defiantly on my hips.
He rakes a hand through his perfect black hair, upsetting the strands in an even more perfect way. “I know, Lindsey and…I…I’m sorry. I feel terrible.”
I scoff at him. “You’re what? You’re sorry, huh? Great timing Gerard. After two years of torture, you’re finally sorry after someone else hurts me. Did you finally see how bad you hurt me when it was someone else’s fist marks on me? Is that it?” I climb out of bed, yanking out the needle in my arm and start to yell in his face, while trying to ignore the ache in my lower abdomen. “You feel this twisted protectiveness over me. No other monster is allowed to hurt your precious pet. Is that it? Am I your pet Gerard? Your precious pet that only you can defile and beat. Well guess what? I have other people to fear than just you. My fucking father will kill me if he finds out I told you. Maybe you should tell him and then I’ll finally be able to die. That’s all I want…” I sigh. “To die.” I sink to the floor in a tight ball. “Just let me die. Please…please, please, please, please. Let me die. Why aren’t I dead?” I’m crying softly and shaking on the cold floor.
I feel Gerard’s strong arms around me lifting me up. He climbs onto the bed and cradles me sideways in his lap.
“No…” I struggle slightly against him. His arms only tighten around me. I’m so tired. My body feels so run down and used; everything aches. Tears water my eyes until I can’t see. Frustrated, I bury my face into his chest and grab his warm sweater in my fists. His hands rub soothing circles into my back. When they start to travel to my lower back and hips, I cry out in pain. That whole area still hurts from Tom.
“Shhhh,” he whispers into my matted hair. “It’ll help. Trust me.” I nod ever so slightly and allow him to gently massage me. He works slowly, trying to untie the many knots and avoid the bruises.
“I’m sorry about Mikey.” I murmur into his sweater.
“I know. So am I.” He agrees. “I think he likes you. He usually never tells new people about what happened.”
“He’s so young…” I sigh. It feels foreign yet easy to have a normal conversation with Gerard.
“So are you.” Gerard points out. I remove my face from his shirt to look up at him. His beautiful hazel eyes gaze down at me with…kindness…sympathy?
“You never answered my question. Am I your pet, Gerard?”
“No, Lindsey.” He answers solemnly. His hands stop rubbing my back and come up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “You are quite free.”
My eyebrows knit together in frustration. I look down and tuck my chin into my neck. “No I’m not.” I whisper.
“Yes,” he insists. “Yes you are. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are. Leave. That’s all you have to do. Leave your abusive parents. Leave our terrible school. Leave me; your tormenter. I’m so sorry, Lindsey, for what I’ve done to you. I never want you to think of me as a monster. You’re so…beautiful and…you just need to get away from this terrible town. Get away and let out that wild and free side of you. You don’t deserve any of this.”
Tears slip down my cheeks at his beautiful, hopeful words. But, they’re not enough. You’re nothing. If you left someone would pick you up off the street and use you like the whore you are. Nobody cares about you, about your artwork. Your own parents don’t believe in you. It’s time you give up on the unrealistic dream. I feel the familiar thrum in my wrists and thighs, begging to be hurt. “Yes I do.” I mumble. “I deserve everything I got and more. I will go home and my father will use me again and I won’t put up a fight this time because what he did to me is what I deserved.”
“No Lindsey! You can’t believe that. You can’t let yourself slip into this despair. I know what it’s like. I saw Mikey go through that, but that kid’s amazing and he saw the truth. That he was not responsible, that it was not his fault and that he didn’t deserve that. Be strong like him, please.”
I shake my head slightly. “I can’t. I’m weak and tired. Just leave me alone and let me go home and die in peace.”
“No,” he says defiantly. “Fuck. Where’s that goddamn nurse? Oh!” I hear the doors swing open and the squeak of sneakers walk into the room. “Speak of the devil.” Gerard murmurs.
“Hello Lindsey Ballato. How are you feeling, hun?” The chirpy voice of the nurse asks, obnoxiously. I bury deeper into Gerard’s chest trying to block out her loud voice. He wraps his arms around me firmly.
“Aren’t you two the cutest little couple? How long you two been datin’?” At this, I shoot straight up. Gerard looks down at me with wide eyes. We exchange an awkward look before both scooting away from each other. He goes to sit on the chair and I sit back against the headboard.
“Oh, okay then.” She says cautiously. In the background I hear Mikey’s hysterical laughter. Gerard and I glare at him before Gerard walks over, picks him up and sits him on his lap.
The nurse smiles weakly and then rolls over a machine, telling me it’s just to check my vital signs. I agree and she takes my blood pressure and such.
She writes the results down in a chart before commencing to tell me what I already know. “So, Miss, you took a pretty bad beating.” I roll my eyes. As if I can’t tell. “You stayed here overnight because of your very substantial injuries. A minor concussion due to a severe blow to the temple, some tearing of the vaginal walls, loss of blood due to the great deal of cuts and wounds on your body and various episodes of black outs due to intense trauma. When we checked, you had no previous food in your stomach, telling us you had a serious vomiting bout. You have been on morphine for the last twenty four hours, but I see you took that out.” She stares pointedly at the dripping needle hanging of the side of the bed.
“You may still feel nauseous over the next few days because of your concussion and blood loss. We have given you more blood and fed your hunger through the tubes overnight. Here, the doctor has prescribed you some pain medication and,” she leans in so only I can hear. “The birth control pill.” She leans back again. “We gave you both earlier this morning when you were still asleep. We recommend taking them for the prescribed month every morning. Here,” She hands me a bottle and a little cardboard box. “We’ll just change some of your dressings, but, it seems you are quite the little healer!” She shrieks, like that’s world saving news.
“Unfortunately, there is nothing much we can do after that. We advise you take the week off school to rest and give yourself full time to heal and recover.” Then she comes over to the side of the bed and whispers in my ear. “We also felt it was necessary, due to your circumstances, that we test you for any STDs or STIs. Very fortunately, you are clean, but we suggest that you check up with a doctor again in a month.” When she leans back she smiles warmly at me. I feel slightly overwhelmed with all this information, but also relieved that my fucking father didn’t infect me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Gerard looking worried, obviously trying to understand what she whispered to me. Mikey smiles at me knowingly and reassuringly.
“Alright, I will quickly grab some supplies, change your bandages, bring your clothes and then give you half an hour to change and check out. Feel better, sweetie.” Her condescending voice says as she squeezes my arm comfortingly before turning to leave.
“Hey!” Gerard yells. Oh what now? “You can’t kick her out! She’s not well enough to go home!”
“I am very sorry Mr. Way. I know you care for her.” That sneaky bitch… “But, our hospital is very full at the moment. With a few days rest, your girlfriend will be alright.” I turn bright pink, I’m sure, at the mention of Gerard being my boyfriend. Like that would ever happen…
“Fuck you, you emotionless bitch! We’re not fucking together! Ugh…” He sighs. “Just get her fucking clothes.” The bitch smirks to herself before slipping out the room.
When she returns, Gerard and Mikey leave while she clean my wounds, the morphine must have worked like a charm, because I still have some pain, but nothing compared to yesterday. She invites a doctor in to okay my leave. He seems very bored and anxious to go help someone else. After, the boys come back in and she returns with my clothes under her arm. Only then do I remember. That in my haste to get out of the house I only wore, my mini skirt with no tights, a ratty old basketball sweatshirt dotted with dried blood around the chest and beat up doc martens. Fucking great.
The nurse gives me a sympathetic look before leaving again. I instruct Gerard and Mikey to turn around while I change. When I slip my gown off I catch sight of my naked self in the mirror. Fuck. I look like death itself. Dark purple circles ring my eyes, bruises litter my face along with disgusting finger marks around my hips. Hickeys cover my shoulders, neck and jaw, and bandages disguise the pale skin of my breasts. My hair is a tangled mess, still trying to stay in the pigtails I put in a few days ago now.
I try to avoid the mirror when I pull on my clothes. Of course I didn’t remember a bra, nor a shirt or tights or anything fucking useful. My sweatshirt has gross blood stains from the cuts I inflicted on my breasts. Thankfully my skirt is plaid and doesn’t show the blood from my ass, but my underwear is completely soaked and useless. I attempt to tame my wild black hair, but to no avail. Ugh…I just need to get out of here so I can go deal with myself. I hope no one looks at me strange. They probably will… Aside from my appearance I still feel like utter shit. My dad really did a number on my ass. The pain travels all the way up into my lower back and spine. The cuts on my body hurt like hell and sting…
“Okay, I’m done.” I announce and the boys turn back around. Gerard’s pretty eyes look sorry, as if he knew that I looked in the mirror and was disappointed with my hideous self. “Now, if I could just find my damn bag…” I mutter.
“I’ve got it. Right here.” Gerard replies. Mikey scoops it out of his hands before I can grab it and prances over to me. He slings it over my shoulder and then reaches up to pull me into a hug. Surprised, I don’t move, but after a moment I adjust and wrap my arms around his thin frame.
When he pulls away he smiles. “C’mon,” he takes my hand. “I’ll show you where to check out.” He drags me through the crowded, depressing hallway to the front desk. I feel bad this is where he lives. I’d go insane here…
The woman at the desk gives my clothes a strange, judging look and I shrink into myself. Fuck, I just want to leave, I need to leave…
Suddenly, Gerard’s arm is around my shoulder pulling me into his chest and shielding me from the awful lady. As much as I want to pull away, it feels nice to be protected. Wait what? Protected…by Gerard? He leans over and signs me out.
Reluctantly I reach into my bag digging around for my wallet and hoping it won’t be too expensive. My parents aren’t kind enough to even buy me health insurance. When I find it and place it on the counter the woman gives me a curious look. “No need for that Miss.” She glances briefly up at Gerard. “Someone’s already paid.” I gasp and nod before Gerard steers me to the elevator. I let myself hide in his arms and avoid the curious looks from people around. When we reach the elevator, Mikey comes up to my other side and gives me one last hug before pressing the button for up, while Gerard presses down.
“Bye Mikey. Thank you.” I yell after him.
“Bye bro. See you tomorrow. Love you.” Gerard calls. Mikey smiles and slips behind the doors.
Once we are in our elevator, I remove myself from Gerard’s arms. “Why did you pay?” I question.
“Because you can’t.” He answers plainly, pulling me into his side again. The other woman in the elevator gives us a sweet look. I frown in frustration.
“You shouldn’t have.” I respond glumly.
“Oh shut up.” I close my mouth.
I guess we were on one of the higher up levels because the goddamn elevator is taking forever. It stops on almost every fucking floor to pick other fucking people up, letting more frigid air in. I start to shiver against Gerard. He kindly removes his jean jacket and hoodie and wraps them around me. I try to resist, but don’t want to cause a scene in the cramped elevator.
When we get outside I’m so cold I’m almost crying. I’ve never been this cold before. It is December, you idiot, I think. Maybe if you had actual pants on and some more blood in your body you would be warmer, you dumb fuck.
Finally I turn to Gerard, shaking from the cold and stammer, “Bye.” Then hesitantly, “Thank you.” I hand him back his jacket and hoodie before turning to leave and start the hour long journey home or to a coffee shop. Yeah, a coffee shop sounds better and warmer than home. I never want to go home…
“Where do you think you’re going?” Gerard calls behind me. I ignore him and keep walking. He runs around in front of me to get my attention. He sees how violently I’m shaking. “Fuck, Lindsey. C’mon let’s go buy you some clothes.” He runs over to a payphone and dials a number before starting to talk. “Yeah, the hospital…five minutes? Great! Thanks Frank…See you soon, buddy.”
“N-no-o.” I stutter.
“What?” He turns back to me.
“N-no. J-just-t l-leave m-me a-alone.”
“No.” He replies stubbornly. He takes his jacket off again and places it around my shoulders, then leads me back into the building. I try vainly to get out of his grip, but he’s too strong. His vice like grip reminds me of before he would hurt me. Fear tickles my senses…
“N-no…P-please…” I start to cry.
“Lindsey! Lindsey, stop!” He sits down in a chair and pulls me into his lap. He takes my face into his hands and tries to calm me down. “Lindsey, stop. I’m not going to hurt you. Please, stop…You’re so cold, c’mon, I just want to get you some warm clothes.”
“No, p-please…don’t. Just l-leave me a-alone…I know you. I k-know what you’ll d-do.” He called his friend to come join the fun. They’re going to beat me until I’m dead. I don’t want to die…wait what…?
We hear a honk and I nearly fall onto the floor. Some of the lingering people give us annoyed looks. Gerard waves to the car and starts to stand. I move to stand, Maybe I’ll run away…So he can’t hurt me… Before I can solidify my plan though, Gerard scoops me into his arms and carries me to the waiting car.

Notes

Feedback? Votes? Rants? ;)