Holding On To You

The car is probably the most beat-up car I’ve ever seen. It looks like if you touch it it’ll fall apart and collapse right there. He places me in the back and then climbs in after me. I cower away from him and the driver.
“Hey bro! What’s up? Who’s the chick?”
“Nothing much. Thanks for picking us up. Yeah, this is Lindsey.” He brushes away the hair from my face.
The driver’s eyes widen and then he smiles friendly at me. “Hey! This is Lindsey? It’s really her, Gerard?” The driver is wearing a black beanie over some brown hair. His bangs stick out and perfectly frame his cheekbone. He’s wearing red eyeshadow and eyeliner around his dark hazel eyes. I can see a scorpion tattoo on his neck, high enough not to be covered by the collar of his black Misfits hoodie. His hands are mostly covered by black fingerless skeleton gloves.
“Yeah, Frank, this is Lindsey Ballato. Lindsey, this is Frank Iero.”
“Wow!” Frank exclaims. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so-.”
“Okay, Frank. Drive!”
“Where to?” Frank chuckles.
“Um,” Gerard thinks. “We need to get Lindsey some clothes before she dies of hypothermia. The mall. They have everything, right? Fuck, I don’t shop that much…”
I clear my throat, gaining a little confidence. Frank seems nice enough. “Willowbrook mall has a Hot Topic…” I trail off.
They both grin at me. Frank winks and says, “I like your style, girl! Snooty-boy Gerard over here should follow…” Frank looks pointedly at Gerard jeans and normal t-shirt.
Gerard throws up his hands, “Hey! I do! I love bands and that shit, you know that Frank, I just can’t wear that stuff at school.” Frank and I both roll our eyes and then laugh when we see that we’ve mimicked each other.
Frank starts the car towards Willowbrook mall. I’m curled up, still shivering, with no seatbelt on. When Gerard notices he asks Frank, “Hey can you turn on the heat?”
“No can do. Unfortunately this piece of shit doesn’t have any heating or cooling. Just barely stops and starts.”
“Right. I always forget.” Gerard sighs before he simply pulls me into his lap and rubs my arms and back, trying to work some warmth into them.
We pull into the parking lot and unload. Turns out Frank is actually super short, he walks beside me with Gerard on the other side. I feel sandwiched between them and if that’s not enough Gerard decides to wrap an arm around my waist. I don’t know whether I’m uncomfortable or comforted by the action. I’m still uneasy around him, like I feel he’ll snap any second and start hurting me again, but I’m terribly cold and he seems to be a motherfucking furnace.
Sure enough, I was right. There is a Hot Topic. When we enter Frank runs up to the counter and locks lips with a short, cute girl. Gerard chuckles.
When they pull apart Frank introduces me. “Lindsey, this is my girlfriend Jamia. Jamia this is-.”
“Lindsey! Is it real?” She looks up at Gerard. He nods. “Yeah, Jamia. This is Lindsey. It’s nice to see you Jamia.”
“Wow!” She’s cute and bubbly. She rushes around the counter and comes to stand in front of me. “Oh, you’re so pretty! I can definitely see why Gerard likes-.”
“Ok, Jamia! I was hoping you could help Lindsey pick out some new clothes.” Gerard leans forward and presses something into Jamia’s hand. “Frank and I will wait on that nice, comfy looking bench over there.”
Jamia nods, hyper, then takes my hand and leads me around the store, throwing things into my arms. I soon start to warm from the growing weight I’m carrying. She pushes me into a fitting room and commands me to try on the clothes. I think I like Jamia. She’s so friendly and open. She’s super sweet and helpful, incredibly talkative though. I can’t believe all the new friends I’ve made today. Can I call them friends? Mikey, Frank, Jamia…Gerard? Are they my friends. No…no one wants to be friends with me, I’m no one.
Jamia follows me into the change room and helps me try on the clothes. She removes my sweatshirt without my consent and I immediately cower try to cover my bare, scared, bandaged chest.
“Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m so sorry, but do you need a bra?” She asks, holding my gaze.
I shyly nod.
“Well,” she replies. “We don’t have any on sale, but I always bring extra in my bag. One sec.” She runs out and then returns with a bra and panties in her hand. She holds them out to me. They’re very beautiful black lace with pretty pearls encrusted.
“Sorry, I bring them just in case Frank and I decide…anyway. Here.” She explains, blushing.
“Thanks,” I whisper. Thankfully they fit, I guess her shirt hides her big breasts because I have no small chest.
Next, she helps me into the clothes. She’s picked out a short plaid skirt that beautifully emphasizes my hips, actually making them look good, for once, over red fish net tights. Then a Green Day tee hidden by a black oversized Misfits sweater and a nice knit scarf. She smiles at her work.
“You look great, just hold on.” She runs out and comes back with what I assume is her personal bag. She pulls out a brush, combing out the knots in my thick hair and redoing my ponytails and then adding some black eyeliner and eye shadow. I look pretty good after all her work and more importantly I am beginning to thaw.
“Thanks so much Jamia.” I smile truly at her. She smiles back and says it was nothing.
“Really, come back anytime. It was so much fun. I wish Frankie would let me give him a make-over.”
“Ha!” I laugh and gasp. I haven’t laughed in years! We exit the change room to join the boys.
“Wow!” Gerard gasps. “You look really good!” I blush. Frank comes over to me. He’s holding a bag in his hand.
“Here,” he pulls out a beanie and gloves like his. “I think these would look good on you.”
“Oh, thanks.” I accept them and pull them on. They add to my warmth, yay!
“You’re right, Frankie,” Jamia agrees. She goes over to hug him. “They look really good.”
“Thank you guys.” Suddenly I remember I have to pay and go to take my bag from Gerard to get my wallet. Jamia sees my actions and stops me.
“No it’s okay. Someone’s already payed.” She quickly glances at Gerard.
“No,” I gasp and turn to Gerard. “I can’t let you keep paying for me. Please…”
“No. It’s fine. I want to.” He shushes me. Fuck, who is this Gerard?
I thank them again and after Frank gives Jamia a long kiss and promises to pick her up after her shift, we leave and head back to the parking lot. It’s then that I remember that Gerard had a car.
“Hey?” I ask Gerard. “Didn’t you have that red truck?”
“Um, yeah, well now I don’t.”
“Oh, why?”
“I had to sell it.”
“Why?”
“I just did.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I just did, okay?!” He snaps. I cower away again and the all too familiar feeling of unease around him returns. When we reach the car all is quiet. Gerard still sits in the back with me, I don’t know why and Frank asks where to next.
“Just drop me off at my house, please.” I respond.
“No!” Gerard cuts in. “You can’t go back! He’ll only hurt you again.” Frank looks confused and Gerard simply mutters, “Later.”
“Well, where am I going to go, huh?” I counter.
“I don’t know; I’ll get you an apartment.”
“What?! No, Gerard. You won’t. I’ve had enough of this silly fake protective act. Drop it. I mean it. You’re my bully and that’s all you’ll ever be. You beat me and hurt me and humiliate me and that’s all. Now, take me home so I can live out my miserable life in peace. There’s nothing you can do to change it. My dad will always be the abusive drunk that he is and I will always be his daughter. There’s no way around it.” My face feels red and I gasp to catch my breath.
Gerard looks stunned and…hurt. Whatever. He deserved a good wake up call. Frank looks between us with a question in his eyes. Gerard still hasn’t spoken so I turn to him and tell him to please take me to my house and give him my address. He nods slightly and starts up the car.
We’re silent on the way back, Gerard’s looking straight ahead, his brows knit together as if he’s trying to figure out a complicated math problem. I can’t help this feeling that there’s something about my house that I don’t want Gerard to know, but I just can’t remember what.
When we arrive outside my house I thank Frank for everything.
“It was nothing, really.” He responds. “It was so nice meeting you, I hope to see you again soon. Take care and stay out of trouble” He finishes with an undertone.
“I will, thanks, and tell Jamia thanks for everything too and tell her I’ll give her stuff back soon.” Frank nods, looking a little confused, but not pressing the subject.
When I turn to say goodbye to Gerard he has a look in his eyes. One I know all too well. It’s the one of anger. Anger and pain. I don’t dare speak to him, not wanting him to suddenly snap at me, so I slip out the door without saying goodbye.
I’m almost to my house when I’m spun around and suddenly Gerard’s pulling me to him into a crushing hug. I’m shocked, but soon relax and encircle my arms around his shoulders. His arms tighten around my waist and lift me off my feet slightly. His hot breath brushes my neck and shoulder. I feel safe and warm in his strong arms. Fuck, that’s cliché. Breaking out of my trance I pull back, but he doesn’t let go.
“Be safe.” His beautiful silky voice whispers in my ear. I shudder in his arms and scoff slightly at his advice. As if it’s really up to me.
He finally releases me, sets me down and then glides back to the car without meeting my curious gaze. I watch him enter the car and then hear him speak to Frank. “2725 Tilten st. Remember that, Frankie.” Oh that little motherfucker…That’s what I was trying to remember; to not let him see my house or address. Now he’s going get me killed by confronting my dad. Fucking piec e of inconsiderate shit…
“Fuck you, ASSHOLE!” I yell chasing the car as it drives away. “You fucking devil, I HATE you!!”
Glumly, I return to the house and unlock the door bracing myself for the worst. Lucky me, the house is empty. I slowly drag myself upstairs to my room. I manage to make it past my razor and collapse on my bed. I’m so tired and sore I don’t even bother to take off my nice new clothes.

~

I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of struggle, coming from outside my window. Hmmm…I think in my half asleep mind.
“If you lay another finger on her, I swear to god you will never see the light of day for the rest of your pathetic life!” It’s probably just my mom and dad fighting outside the front door. Mom probably found him with another hooker.
Rolling over, sleep takes me again.

I weave through the rush of other students, fighting the crowd away from the cafeteria and towards the girls’ washroom. It’s been exactly one week since I was released from the hospital. My father has been absent from the house the entire time, which isn’t really that long if you consider that I’m at school in the day and wandering around until sunset when I have to go home or I’ll get lost. We all know the saying ‘Home is where the heart is’ but I don’t feel like I have a heart at all. I visited a walk-in clinic the other day like the hospital doctor recommended, but when he asked where I felt pain all I could answer was my stomach. Not like a stomachache, but like an inner, all consuming emptiness, slowing eating away at my insides. All he could say was a bunch of doctor shit basically amounting to, ‘Depression’s a bitch. Here’s a psychiatrist if you ever gather enough money to see one.’ And that was the end of my courage to reach out for help.
Nights are the worst. The pounding in my head becomes almost impossible to ignore and sleep rejecting me mercilessly. Since my body is one painful wreck from that night, I can’t bring myself to actually cut. I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. My thoughts say it’s good, but the demon begs for the sharp blade. The prescribed pain meds help, I guess. Birth control always brings back memories of why I actually have to take it.
Gerard very nearly ignores me. Earlier today he bumped into me, causing my bag drop and the contents to scatter. My medication stood against the linoleum like a flashing neon light and now the whole school knows about my personal health concerns. I’ve thought hard about that incident though and I can’t decide whether Gerard meant it as a bully, whether it was a true accident or if maybe he did it on purpose to see if I really was taking my meds…
I quickly scratch that thought though; it’s absolutely ridiculous. How could he have even been sure that I would bring my meds to school? He couldn’t have.
The scent of school bathrooms reaches my nose before my eyes.
Welcome to reality, would you like a slap in the face with that?

~

“…can’t run from me. I’ve got connections. I hear things. I always know where you are. Always. And right now I suggest you back away from that door before I smash your face in.” The signature yelling of our crime ridden neighborhood wakes my fleeting slumber. Although it sounds alarmingly like its right outside, I roll over and bury my head in the pillow trying to catch at least a few hours of shut eye.

“LINDSEY! YOU FUCKING BITCH! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!!!”
I bolt upright in bed, awoken by the screaming voice of my father. I cower into the bed sheets as his voice comes closer and closer…Suddenly my bedroom door flies open and there stands my father beat up…Wait, what? He’s got an ugly black eye, a yellow-bruised jaw, there’s a patch of hair missing from his head, bloody nose, a cut lip and a torn, bloody shirt. Fucking hell, what happened?
“I told you I would kill you if you told anyone…” Curse Gerard and his stubborn attitude. “Now you’re going to pay.” He lunges for me and tackles me to the floor. I struggle vainly; I’m groggy from a night’s sleep and therefore slow. I receive a punch to my face and then he stands up and kicks my stomach. Still, though I feel like he’s holding back a little bit. He did say he would kill me if I told…
“Now get your bloody body off my carpet and get the FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! Your mother and I fed you and bathed you and have taken care of you for your entire life and when one of us decides to take something back in return you go crying like a little bitch to your boyfriend. Well, have fun living on the streets like the whore you are. You will never see your precious boyfriend again. You have no life now, you will disappear and no one will remember or miss you. I mean what I say, pack your bag and pray to god that you last ten minutes on those streets, because no one gives a damn about your well-being out there, trust me. You should be happy that your mother and I provided a roof over your head and put up with your relentless whining and sulking for seventeen years.” He shakes his head to himself. “You have until I get cleaned up and thank the lord I’m not beating your ungrateful ass to a pulp.” With that he leaves me on the floor.
My body aches and cries when I try to stand, but I have no choice. I have to get out of here now, before he’s back. I scan the room for my bag and franticly pack my essential belongings, after short consideration I shove my razor in there too, along with my sketchbook and all my money (which is only fifty bucks). I practically fly down the stairs without saying goodbye. I try to ignore the pain of running and instead focus on putting one foot in front of the other.
I take off at a sprint towards the most populated place I know. School. I overslept and so school started, what, two hours ago? Yeah, it seems ten o’clock outside. Luckily, my adrenaline hasn’t run out and I’m still full-on sprinting. Soon my panicked feeling starts to fade and I’m able to slow down a little.
Holy fuck… Did that just happen? Gerard! This is all his fault! Oh, I’ll kill his stupid ass. School comes into view and I speed up again. Where would Gerard be? What class does he have right now? My question is answered when I wander around the back of the building to find that football is having a freezing practice on the field. My emotions are running too high right now and before I know what I’m doing my feet carry me out onto the field and into the middle of a practice game of football. All the players stop and gasp at my beat up body. I ignore them and the coach telling me to get off the fucking field, bee-lining it to Gerard. He stands shocked waiting for me to reach him. I see his eyes dart over my body taking in my bruised state.
When I reach him, I twist a fist into his jersey and drag him back the way I came towards the smoker alley. The coach is yelling at us, but Gerard simply lets me drag him away from the game. I shove him against the wall and don’t waste any time before starting to yell at him.
“You fucking jerk! I fucking hate you, look! Look what he did! Look what you did!” I motion to my bruised, aching, face. “Was that you in the middle of the night? Outside my house, beating up my dad?!”
He looks sheepish at first, but then gains some confidence. “Yes, Lindsey. I was standing up for you. He had to know it’s not okay. He’s a sick fuck and I would’ve killed him if I didn’t have morals.”
“Standing up for me?!” I scoff. “You don’t stand up for me. You never have, never will. You’re the one who hurts me. And guess what? I didn’t take your advice. I didn’t stay safe. Do you know what my dad told me before I ran away?!” I’m getting really worked up. Who does he think he is? My knight in fucking armour? Well, he’s done nothing but get me more hurt.
“No, Lindsey. What did he tell you?” Oh, he’s got nerve…
“He shamed me for not keeping my mouth shut and promptly gave me less than ten minutes to leave the house. He wished me luck with my new life living on the streets as hooker. He told me that I should be thankful that my parents even put a roof over my head.” I take an angry step towards Gerard. “He told me I would disappear and no one would even notice or miss me.” An unwanted tear slips down my cheek at the painful memory. My voice dies down a little, growing sad. “That I should consider myself lucky that he didn’t beat my ungrateful ass to a pulp.” I cover my face in my hands as more tears stain my cheeks.
“Lindsey…” Gerard’s tentative voice speaks. “I-I’m sorry…”
I chuckle sarcastically, hiccupping from my tears. “Sure you are.”
“I mean it, look, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted him to turn around and hurt you. I just…he can’t get away with what he did…” Gerard’s voice takes on a scarier, threatening tone. “He’s so sick and disgusting and…I’ll kill him, I should have, so he wouldn’t have hurt you.”
I peak at him from my hands, growing frustrated by his confusing behavior. I don’t know what to make of Gerard anymore. He was my tormenter for two years and these past couple days he’s been…different.
“I don’t understand…Why?”
“Why, didn’t I want him to hurt you? I never want to see you hurt.” He reaches out a hand and affectionately cups my cheek and wipes a few of my tears. He’s looking at me with a…cocerned look?
“But, you hurt me.” I reply plainly.
“I know.” He hisses and steals his hand back as if I’m the hot potato.
“Well, then?” I question.
“Well, what?!” He says frustrated.
“Well what does it matter to you?”
“You matter to me.” He says. It’s a nice thing to say, but he sort of spits it out, almost rudely.
“Well then don’t hurt me!” I yell back.
“I’m trying!”
“I don’t understand!”
“You don’t understand!”
“I know!”
“No, you don’t!”
“What?!”
“Just forget it!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Ugh!” I throw my hands up, exasperated. “Just…just…give me all you’ve got, I can take it.”
His beautiful hazel eyes flash and he flicks his disheveled raven hair out of his eyes and then…suddenly his delicate pink lips are smashed against mine. I don’t move, shocked. My eyes are open looking up into his closed ones, as his hands grip my tear stained cheeks and hold my lips to his.
He lets me go hotly and we both gasp for air. I eye him curiously, too stunned to move or say anything. His stupid football shoulder pads make his chest look ridiculously large. His silky black hair is perfectly tousled by his discarded helmet. His lips are slightly swollen and more red than normal, they are open and the right side is higher than the left in an incredibly sexy way I’ve never noticed before, his cute nose sits right between his shimmering hazel eyes that gaze at me expectantly.
And it’s then that I realize that I’m incredibly attracted to Gerard Way.
We both run at each other, grasping at our clothes and pulling our bodies tight together while our lips attach. I cherish the feeling of his winter wind-chapped lips against mine. But when his tongue darts out, I startle and pull away.
My body releases all the tension I was holding and suddenly Gerard’s holding me upright against the wall to keep me from falling. I study his gold flecked green eyes. He snakes a finger up and cleans up some of my smeared red lipstick.
After a while I ask my burning question. “What was that?”
“I believe kissing is an expression of affection, Lindsey.”
I nod slightly, thinking about what he just said. “Affection?” I ponder.
“Isn’t that what I said?” Well, now he’s just mocking me… “You matter-I mean…you…I don’t know.” Suddenly the mood changes a little. He sets me back on the ground not so lightly. I stumble and use the wall to balance.
“I just don’t understand.” I state. Now that the moment is over, this all seems very overwhelming. Gerard is not someone who I would have considered nice, let alone would have thought about kissing. He was terrible to me for years…
“You like me?” I ask.
“Do you?” He counters.
“Like you or like me?”
“Me.”
“No. I mean… I’m not sure. You…you were pretty terrible to me for a long time. I didn’t even know this part of you existed.”
“What part? You didn’t know that I had lips for kissing? What do you mean existed?”
“Ugh! You’re frustrating! I just never thought of you like that. That’s what I meant.”
“I did, think of you like that.” He says quietly. “I mean, no! No I didn’t!”
“So you just kissed me for no reason?”
“No. I had a reason.”
“Well, what is it?”
“I told you. You matter to me.” He looks down, then looks up and quickly rushes out. “I mean only sort of.”
“I matter to you sort of? Fuck, make up your goddamn mind before you start kissing someone. You know what actually? No. It’s not all up to you, you are terrible. You hurt me, really badly. I shouldn’t even be talking to you like this. I came to yell at you. To tell you that now I’m going to die because you wouldn’t fucking listen to me. I have nowhere to go but the streets and I’m sure I won’t last five minutes out there!"
Gerard flashes me a sorry look that quickly after turns into one of anger. “Well, you know what? I was just trying protect you, kinda…actually no. I don’t care. I don’t care if you die. I’m sure the whole school would have a fucking field day of celebration, you just don’t have the guts. You’re just a wimp, like your father. He could barely fight back, you two deserve each other. I’m sure you like it in some fucked up way.”
“Fuck you!” I shove him. His words sting more than all the beatings I’ve ever taken. How dare he? Who the fuck does he think he is? “No, I don’t fucking like it, you piece of hurtful shit! Maybe I will kill myself, seeing as it’s bound to happen whether I do it or not. You ensured that.” I pick up my bag off the ground and turn to leave. “I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your pathetic life. I hope you burn in hell.” I flip him the bird, grab my bag and dash off.

Notes

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writing2savelives