I Think I Like It

I woke up at 2am with a deep, burning desire to be touched. Not sexually, of course – the thought of that made me want to throw up. I just needed Gerard’s arms around me, but he was facing away from me, his body curled up. I chewed my lip and shuffled towards him, wrapping my arms lightly around his waist.
“Gee?” I said softly. As soon as I had, I wished I hadn’t. I didn’t deserve to touch him after what I did. I made to move away, when he turned over slowly, his eyes half-open and squinting from sleep.
“What’s up baby?” he said, his voice groggy.
“Hold me.” I whimpered, dangerously close to tears. He held his arms out to me and I snuggled close to him, loving the feeling of being so close to him. Despite what I’d done, I couldn’t help but feel safe in his warm, tight embrace.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I shook my head and buried my face in his chest, letting the first of my tears fall onto his skin. He tightened his arms around me, kissing the top of my head.
“I’m so sorry. I…I don’t deserve you.” I stammered.
“What? Don’t be stupid, Frank.” He sighed, pressing more kisses to my temples.
“I’m a slut.” I said bluntly.
“No you’re not.”
“Yes I am. You said it yourself in your classroom that one time…all I want is a fuck…”
“Fuck, Frank, I said that like, almost 8 months ago. I didn’t even mean it. What the fuck?”
“Please, don’t yell at me.” I whimpered, feeling weak. I hated feeling so vulnerable, but I couldn’t get the image of Bert’s hands on me out of my head. I pictured the way he trapped me, leered at me, and the way I came in my pants, just like the slut he told me I was. Gerard was sick, waiting at home for me to make him feel better, and I was out getting a handjob from his ex. I was truly despicable. I snuggled deeper into his arms, hoping he could shield me from what I’d done to him.
“I can’t believe you. One minute you’re fine, and the next you don’t want me near you, and you’re talking all this bullshit, and then you want me to hug you, but you’re still putting yourself down…I don’t understand. Just explain to me what’s going on.”
“I can’t.”
“I thought we told each other everything. No lies, remember?”
“Not this. Not yet.”
“God, you’re killing me, Frank. Honestly, you’re going to drive me into a damn early grave.” He said, but he still held me close to him. I sobbed softly, but didn’t reply.
“I…I just wanted to see you, Frank. I’m feeling really bad right now, you know, with the drugs and shit, and I just wanted to see my boyfriend and maybe watch a movie or something, and then you come in being all cryptic and distant and I just don’t understand what I did wrong.”
“Nothing. You didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, bullshit. You can’t honestly say that to me. You can’t even bear to have me touching you.” He said, pulling his arms away and shifting back, as if to prove the point. I groaned.
“No, it’s not you. I don’t want you touching me because you’re so pure. I’m disgusting, Gerard.”
“How? What have you ever done?”
“I can’t-“
“Right. You can’t tell me. Okay. You know, for someone who’s not lying to me, it sure sounds like you’re fucking lying to me.” He said, turning so he was on his back, looking at the ceiling.
Bert’s hands. The tightening in my stomach. I came. I liked it.
“Gerard, I love you.” I blurted out, trying to scare the memories away. He sighed.
“Y’know what, Frank? I actually don’t need to hear that right now.”
“Please. Tell me you love me too.” I whispered.
“I’ve been telling you that all night, and you dismissed it. So no, I won’t tell you again. You know how I feel about you.”
Guilt charged through my veins, making me shake. He had no idea what I’d done, who’s hands I’d had on me only hours before. He didn’t know how I’d moaned and whimpered under his rough hands. How pathetic I must have looked. I felt like I was covered in dirt, and I was smearing it all over his sheets. He was angry, and he didn’t even know how right he was to be mad.
“I…I think I should sleep downstairs.” I whispered softly. He didn’t look at me.
“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Get the fuck out of my bed.” He snapped, rolling over. I nodded slowly, staring at his pale body, only just visible in the darkness. I hovered over the bed, reaching for the pillow, then changed my mind.
“Can you just go?” he whispered. I pressed my lips together as I trudged out of the room. I looked at Mikey’s room as I passed and wondered vaguely if he’d heard us. It was unlikely: we’d been pretty quiet. Then again, Mikey Way had a habit of eavesdropping. I chewed my lip and walked quietly downstairs, my whole body tense and shaking.
This proved to me, even more, that Gerard couldn’t find out what I’d done. He was angry at me now, and I could barely imagine how he’d be when he found out that I’d practically fucked his ex who he still harboured feelings for. I wished more than anything that Bert had just fucking let me go, because then I wouldn’t have cum, and I could have told Gerard that I’d been harassed or something. But I’d orgasmed so hard I could barely stand, and that meant I’d liked it. That meant I was a filthy slut. Just like he said.
I curled up on the sofa, thankful for the thin blanket that rested over the back. I was so disgusted with myself, I could barely think. My love was in bed, alone, because of me. Not even two days ago he’d been trying to kill himself, and I responded by fucking someone he used to love. He was scared and empty and his mental health was crumbling. He needed me, and I betrayed him.

“…don’t know! I have no idea!” Gerard cried distantly. I opened my eyes slightly, the bright light shining through the window into my face.
“Did you ask?” Mikey replied.
“Of course I did. He refused to tell me.”
“Maybe it’s private.”
“Private? Really?”
“He’s allowed to have his own stuff, Gee. He’s only a kid. No matter how much he loves you, he can’t tell you everything.”
“I think it’s because of the other night.” Gerard said softly. I couldn’t hear what Mikey said, but it made Gerard raise his voice.
“What else? He was fine, and then, just before he had to see me, he turned all weird and didn’t want me touching him. Doesn’t want some suicidal druggie for his boyfriend. Doesn’t think me cutting myself is so romantic now that he actually has to deal with it. Fuck, I’m so stupid. I should’ve seen this coming.” He cried out. I bit my lip and tried to cover my head with the blanket. I wanted to run upstairs and tell him he was wrong, that it was me that was broken, not him.
“That’s not true, Gee.” Mikey said, but he sounded doubtful.
“He wouldn’t even let me near him, Mikes. I mean, I hugged him last night, but then he wanted to sleep downstairs. He’s never done that.”
“I…I don’t know what to say, Gerard. It doesn’t sound like him.”
“Can you wake him up and tell him to go home? I don’t want him here.” Gerard hissed. I felt his words like a fucking knife in my chest.
“No. Don’t do that. Talk to him, at least.” Mikey pleaded.
“He doesn’t want me, he doesn’t have to have me. I’d rather never see him again than have him flinching from me.”
Fuck, no. It’s not you! You’re beautiful!
“What about school?”
“School’s different. I’m his teacher. It was stupid for me to do this in the first place. The last few months were me living in some fantasy that he could actually want me, and he can’t. He’s too young and inexperienced.”
I slid off of the sofa, my legs shaking in Gerard’s old sweatpants. I put a hand to my mouth and bit my nails and breathed deeply as I tried to gain the courage to do what I needed to.
“So that’s it?”
“That’s it. I’m fucking done.”
“You’re not, are you?”
“Mikey, I’m sick. My head’s so messy and I’m trying to stop using drugs and alcohol to clean it up. Maybe it’s time to take away some of the things that make it so chaotic.”
“And that means Frank?”
“Primarily? Yes. Nothing stresses me out as much as Frank Iero.”
I walked towards the stairs, my feet feeling like they were filled with lead. My heart pounded in my head. This wasn’t supposed to happen – he wasn’t meant to hate me yet. I put my foot on the first stair and froze, willing myself to go on.
“I like Frank.” Mikey said.
“Why don’t you date him then? You’ll change your mind pretty fast.” Gerard spat. I flinched at the venom in his voice.
“Gee, you’re just saying that. You’re feeling all weird because of the drugs, and you’re sad and scared about the other night, and you’re confused about how Frank’s treating you, and angry, and you’re worried that he doesn’t love you.” Mikey said matter-of-factly.
“Why would he come here if he didn’t want me anymore? Literally, only minutes before he was being fine, all romantic and shit, and then I get that?”
“Maybe something happened.”
“I thought that at first, but then, if he’d done something, he wouldn’t be so disgusted by me, right? So what if he was all in love with me, but then he realized how fucked up I was, like, a fuckin’ epiphany, and then he just…didn’t”
I gripped the handrail, clenching my teeth as I walked up the steps. Mikey’s bedroom door was open, and I could see them inside. Gerard was leaning against the wall, and Mikey sat on his bed. I crept up the last few steps, and Gerard’s head turned sharply towards me.
“Oh, great.” He sighed.
“Gerard-“
“How much did you hear?” Mikey whispered. I faltered.
“Enough.” I breathed. Gerard glared at me.
“Good. Then you know to get your shit and go.”
“Gerard” Mikey scolded.
“Gee, you’re wrong. I do love you. I don’t care that you’re sad and broken, and that you want to die sometimes. I don’t care that you rely on pills and booze to make you feel okay. I’m here to help you through all of that, remember? You and me, like I said. I love you for all of that. I couldn’t not want you.”
“Then why-“ he whispered, tears filling his eyes.
“I really can’t tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Yes you can! You can tell me.” He begged. I turned away and shook my head. Gerard groaned and banged his head back against the wall.
“See, Mikes! Look what he’s doing!” he cried. Mikey squinted at me.
“What happened, Frank? Something happened to you.”
“No.” I whispered, shaking my head. Mikey rose to his feet and put a hand on my arm. I saw Gerard groan again and put a hand over his face.
“Frank?” Mikey murmured, staring intensely at me. I shook him off.
“Fuck, stop. Stop being so nice to me. Can’t you just be mad at me, like Gerard is?”
“You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Yes I have! I’ve fucked up, okay? Real bad. Worse than before.”
“What? What did you do?” Gerard pleaded. I almost screamed in frustration.
“Fuck, I can’t, okay? I just can’t!” I cried. Gerard stopped moving and stared at me, his eyes wide.
“Was it Bert?” he asked softly. My stomach tightened, and a wave of nausea rolled over me. Had he told him? I thought he was lying when he said that. I guess that would explain his anger.
“W-what?” I stammered.
“Is it because I saw Bert yesterday? Is that why you’re mad at me?”
“No!” I cried, relieved, almost. He didn’t know.
“Because if you are-“
“No, Gee, I’m not. I saw Cam, remember?”
“Yes, but Cameron didn’t threaten to fuck you, did he? What Bert said to you was out of line, Frankie. He didn’t mean it, I swear. He was just trying to rile you up – I’d never do that to you, ever. He’s not normally like that, either. I really don’t know why he’d say that. But I promise, I didn’t do anything. Is that why you wouldn’t touch me? Because you thought he had?” He said in a rush.
Well, he was certainly like that when he was touching me. Rubbing me. Making me cum all over myself. Moaning. Panting. Whimpering.
“No. It wasn’t.” I whispered, feeling dizzy. Mikey put his hand back on my arm.
“Frank? Are you alright?”
“Stop touching me.” I breathed. Panic rose in my throat, and I felt my body shaking.
“Gerard, he’s not okay. He’s freaking out.”
“I’m-not. I’m fine.” I panted, my legs shaking so hard I was afraid they’d give way and I’d fall.
“Jesus, Frank. Stop. I was just angry, okay? I do want you. I don’t know why I-“ Gerard stammered, but I could barely hear him.
“Mikey, get your hand off of me, please.” I begged. His grip was too tight, too constricting.
Pushed against the wall. Trapped. His breath. His hand.
“Mikes. Get off of him.” Gerard snapped, and Mikey did. I swayed a little on my feet, but I was relieved somewhat. The feeling to vomit was growing stronger, but I was frozen in the spot, sweating heavily.
“Fuck, what happened to you?!” Gerard yelled, more out of fear than anger. I put a hand to my mouth as the panic burst in the form of me throwing up. I gagged a little in my hand and ran to the bathroom, heaving into the sink because I couldn’t make it to the toilet. My hands shook as I tried to hold myself up, and I was almost pleased when Gerard put his arm around my waist and held me up.
“I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.” I sobbed. He reached over and turned the tap on.
“You done?” he murmured, and I nodded. Mikey handed him a tissue, and he used it to wipe my mouth.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. Gerard’s voice was strained when he replied.
“You have to tell me. This has gone too far, okay? I know you don’t want to, or you feel like you can’t, but you have to. If it’s because you don’t love me anymore, or whatever, it’s okay. I can handle it.”
“It’s not. I promise, Gerard. I love you so much.” I whispered. He pulled me back from the sink and turned me so he was looking into my eyes, his face concerned.
“Then tell me.”
“Baby, I-“
“I deserve to know. The love of my life can’t bear for me to touch him, and you’re panicking and throwing up, and I have no idea why.” He whispered.
“Can I get some water?” I said softly. He took my hand, and I slid it out in a way that I hoped was polite, but I still saw pain flash across his face.
“Yeah. Sure.” He mumbled. He led me, his arm still around my waist, downstairs, to the kitchen. His arm felt like dead weight on my hips, but I knew better than to ask him to move it, so I just clenched my teeth and waited for it to be over.
I caught myself in the thought and guilt washed over me. It wasn’t his fault I was a slut, so even if his heavy weight on my hips reminded me of the too-rough, violent way I’d been touched the day before, it wasn’t for me to tell him to move. I’d brought this all on myself.

Gerard looked at me, his expression stony as I sipped my water, letting the cool liquid wash through me and clean some of the grime that formed inside me.
“I’m sorry I upset you.” He said, his words sounding precise and carefully chosen.
“No, it’s okay” (it wasn’t) “I know you’re not doing well right now, and I guess I’m not helping. I’m sorry.”
“Please stop apologizing. I don’t even know what you’ve done yet.” He said with a weak smile. I breathed in a shaky breath and took another gulp of water.
“I wish you’d let it go. I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”
“That’s not gonna work, Frank. You’re freaking out over whatever it is, and that’s making things bad on both you and I. I care about you, I don’t want to see you like this.” He reached out to touch my hand, and then retracted it halfway with an exhausted sigh.
“I just…I can’t bear it if you hate me, Gerard. I really can’t.” I whispered.
“I won’t.”
“This is so hard. I wish I could just tell you, but I can’t. It’s like, my whole body is screaming at me to not tell you.” I sighed. He chewed his lip.
“How about you start by telling me what’s not wrong, then?” he said helpfully. I nodded.
“Okay. I didn’t do anything with Cameron. I’m not mad because you saw B-Bert. I’m not angry or disgusted or scared of you because of what you’re going through. I’m still in love with you. Very in love with you, actually.”
“That’s good news.” He said with a light smile. I nodded and looked away. The clock ticked on the wall, seeming too loud on my anxiety-riddled brain.
“Nobody’s hurt; my Mom’s okay, my friends are all alright. I haven’t stolen anything or gotten into any trouble with the law. I’m not doing badly at school. I haven’t killed anybody” the last one was said with a smile that I didn’t feel. He nodded.
“Good. This is all good. All of the things you’ve said aren’t bad enough for me to not love you, so the actual thing won’t be either.” He said, his voice shaking. There were tears in his eyes that he tried to hide. I took another breath.
“I haven’t fallen in love with anyone else. I’m not going to kill myself. I haven’t done drugs that you don’t know about.”
“Good, baby. Good.” He said, smiling weakly. One of those, then, was something he was worried about.
“I…I can’t think of anything else.” I admitted softly, my lip trembling. He leaned forward to cup my cheek, and I let him, seeking the warmth of his touch. His hands were gentle and soft. They weren’t Bert’s hands.
Rough. Wall. Pain. Fuck, no. Fuck, yes. Stop it. Give me more.
I jerked back slightly and he frowned. I shook my head and buried it in my hands, letting the sobs I’d been trying to fight wrack through me.
“Shh, angel. My baby, it’s okay.”
“You hated me this morning. You wanted me gone. You s-said…”
“I was scared and hurt and angry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t even think you were listening. It was just me being stupid again. Please, you’re my world.”
“And you’re not scared or hurt or angry now?” I whimpered. He shook his head.
“No. Now I just want you to be okay, and I’m here for you. Whatever comes out of your mouth, I will love you, and we’ll be okay. I’ll still want to hold you, when you’re ready for me to do that again, and I’m still going to marry you.”
“Don’t. You won’t want to. I’m so bad, Gerard. It’s so bad.” I said, shaking my head. He just stared at me, eyes wide and waiting. It was time to tell him, and I knew that. My heart hammered in my chest, my palms sweating. I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. I felt my earth crumbling around me, my vision becoming blurry. I had to fight it, though - I had to get the words out of my mouth. There were only four of them, but it took all of my might to utter them.
“I-I ch-cheated on you.”

Notes

There's a very small number of you who comment on this frequently and sometimes I see you comment on other people's stuff and I get v jealous and I'm like "you better not love them more".

I'd apologise for this chapter but nah not really sorry at all. Hashtag asshole am I right?