I Think I Like It

My Mom didn’t want me to go into school the next day, and if I was honest, I was tempted to take her up on her offer. Gerard told me he probably wouldn’t be in for the rest of this week and next week, just so he could have some recovery time (which wasn’t completely ridiculous when you consider that he’d tried to kill himself), and I wasn’t sure if I cared about school if he wasn’t there.
I realized, though, that that was a very unhealthy mentality to have, so I told her I was fine, and that I’d come home early if I started feeling sick again. My main reason for going to school that day, though, was that if I said I was sick, Mom wouldn’t let me stay at Gerard’s that night, and I was feeling a desperate need to be with him.
When I’d left him the night before, he’d been mostly okay. He was clearly sad to see me go, and was evidently still shaken from the events of the night before, but after a kiss and a promise that I’d be back with him before he knew it, he let me go.
I wasn’t looking forward to the day without him, but I felt better knowing that he was at home, safe, rather than possibly crumbling his mental health even more at work. Besides, I could (and, of course, would) message him throughout the day to check up on him, and that made me feel a hell of a lot better.
Chris was on me as soon as I walked in.
“What happened? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?” he said urgently. Joe just sighed, laughing. I shrugged.
“I’m fine. It wasn’t me, anyway.”
“Mr. Way? Is he okay?” Chris said, widening his eyes. I chewed my lip thoughtfully.
“He’s…getting better, thanks. He had a bit of an episode, and it was pretty messy.” I said weakly. Chris pursed his lips, putting a hand on my shoulder.
“You can talk to us, you know. That’s the beauty of us knowing, right? You can tell us, and you don’t need to have it hanging over your shoulders constantly.”
“Y-you can’t tell anyone.” I said, shifting closer. Both boys nodded, their faces solemn.
“And you can’t freak.”
“We won’t.” Joe said firmly. I took a deep breath.
“So, I was at Gee’s place Thursday night, and he was stoned. Like, high as a fucking kite.”
“Oh, shit.” Chris murmured. I nodded.
“Dude’s got a drug addiction, and he’s doing that sort of shit? I was pissed. More than pissed, I was livid. I walked out on him and I said a bunch of stuff I didn’t mean.” I sighed regretfully.
“Like what?” Joe asked, always keen for details. I sighed.
“I acted like we weren’t dating. Y’know, I called him Mr. Way and stuff, and ignored him…it was weird, but it got to him, and I think that’s what I wanted, you know? Well, anyway, his brother got home not long after, and he was already passed out, so I thought that was the end of it. But then I get him calling me in tears at 3am, and he-he cut himself, and he was stoned again, and he was worried that he was going to kill himself.” I said weakly. Chris and Joe stared at me, mouths open.
“What? No way.” Joe stammered. I nodded slowly.
“Yeah. He was terrified that he was going to kill himself. So, anyway, we managed to sort that out, his brother took care of him and stuff, but I didn’t want to leave him alone, you know? Like, I had to see him, and be with him…” I said, breaking off. Chris patted my arm.
“Hey, no judgement here. You’re a good boyfriend, Frankie.” He smiled. I laughed.
“I just wish my relationship wasn’t so hard.” I groaned, smacking my head on the table.
“Yeah, but then you wouldn’t get any of that sweet ass.” Joe pointed out. I rolled my eyes, even though he was right.
“Thanks, Joe.” I chuckled, rising to my feet and walking to English with Chris.
As expected, the class was boring. We had some elderly man for a teacher, and he barely knew what he was doing, so the class mostly just messed around. I figured Gerard would find this amusing.

TO: Gee.
(9:24am)
I thought you’d want an update. Class is a zoo. Not learning anything. All good here.
Are you feeling better? I love you! <3

FROM: Gee.
(9:33am)
Not my problem, kiddo ;)
Yeah, I’m good. Can’t wait to have you in my arms tonight. I love you too. <3

Before I could reply, almost on cue, actually, Cameron plopped down into the free seat next to me, smiling softly.
“Hey, Cam.” I smiled.
“Hey. I was wondering if you’re free tonight for that coffee date?” he chuckled. I blushed, ignoring his use of the word ‘date’.
“Um, I mean, I’m seeing Ge-you know who today, so I don’t know if I’ll have much time, but it should be fine.” I smiled. He smiled softly back.
“Good. I’ve missed you.” He sighed.
“It’s been a long time” I said, hoping I sounded like I was agreeing, without actually having to agree. He smirked.
“Don’t you need to ask teacher’s permission?” he said. I sighed.
“I really hope it wasn’t me that made you such an asshole.” I mumbled. He smiled, looking for a moment like the boy I’d met at the beginning of the year, and my heart skipped a little in my chest. After all, he was very cute.
“N’aw, you didn’t. I’m just bitter, that’s all. I’ll meet you after school, then?” he said, rising to his feet. I smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, cool.” I said softly as he walked back to his seat. Chris gave me a look of warning and I laughed lightly.
“What?” I chuckled. He sighed.
“Frank, don’t be stupid.”
“I’m not. It’s just coffee, Chris.”
“Well, be careful. You know Gerard’s not gonna like it.” He said, and I smiled at his use of his first name. I shrugged.
“I just won’t tell him.”
“Frank, that’s stupid and you know it. You’ve gotta tell him.”
“I…I might. I’ll see how he’s feeling. He almost died, you know.” I snapped. I thought that maybe I knew my boyfriend a little bit better than Chris did.
“Which is why you should tell him. If he finds out later, he’s just gonna feel worse.” He advised softly. I groaned and turned away from him, knowing he was right. It wasn’t fair for me to do this. After all, how would I feel if he saw Bert again behind my back? I chewed my lip and pulled my phone out, sighing at the delighted and triumphant look on Chris’ face.

TO: Gee.
(10:01am)
I need to run something past you. I’ll call you in like, an hour. <3

FROM: Gee.
(10:04am)
Alright, baby. <3

I chewed my lip, looking back at Cameron. He wasn’t looking at me, and I took the minute to survey his face. He was still cute, as I’d noticed earlier, but had a certain roughness about him now. I felt bad about that, of course, because even if he said it wasn’t my fault, it almost definitely was. Hell, I’d taken his virginity on a whim to help me forget Gerard, and it hadn’t even worked. What’s worse, is that I didn’t even talk to him afterwards to make sure he was okay.
I sighed softly. I was definitely a very bad person.

I spent the next hour of my life trying to make the words form in my head, but they refused to come together. Joe kept sneaking glances at me, but I ignored him, pretending to be extremely interested in fractions, or whatever the fuck we were doing.
The easiest thing, of course, would be to just not go. I could always tell Cam that I couldn’t make it today, and rearrange another time. The truth, though, was that I wanted to go. Not because I still liked him, of course, but because I wanted to see how he’d changed. I wanted to see if his eyes still shone when he laughed, or if he still tapped his fingertips on the table when he was thinking, or if he’d tuck my hair behind my ear if it fell into my face.
Not that I’d let him get that close, of course. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I was going out of curiosity, rather than interest. Gerard was too important for me to even consider anyone else anymore. I’d made that mistake once, and I trusted myself to never do it again.
I sighed and put my head in my hands, earning another concerned look from Joe, but thankfully, he didn’t speak to me about it, which I was eternally grateful for. Gerard and I, I realized, suffered from the same affliction; we made things much, much too difficult for ourselves. He could just not take too many Xanax and not chase them down with whiskey, and he could simply stop trying to die and accept that I loved him unconditionally, but instead, he refused to believe that I loved him, and he tortured himself. I was much the same: I could always not go see my ex boyfriend and, in the process, hurt the love of my life, but I was going to anyway. We were both, undeniably, very, very bad people. We were toxic to ourselves, to everyone else and, most of all, to each other. We’d end up killing each other in every way possible, filling ourselves up with the poison that coated our lips until we choked, but we still reached for each other. I hummed softly as I doodled in the corner of my page.
Yes, I think we’d kill each other, and for that, we needed each other. How could we ever be with anyone else? Imperfectly perfect, we needed to stay together.
Suddenly, I knew what I was going to say to him.

“Hello, sunshine.” He said brightly when I called. I smiled a little bit, angling slightly away from Joe and Chris, where they sat talking about superheroes (a conversation I’d usually be enthralled with).
“Can I say something real quick?”
“Of course.”
“You and I are really stupid, you know? You with the self-destruction, and me with constantly dancing with fire. We’re gonna break each other’s hearts and destroy each other a thousand times, and it’s gonna be like that forever and ever and I cannot wait for our toxic future together.” I said in a rush. Joe and Chris stopped and stared at me. Gerard was silent for a while.
“O-oh. That’s the weirdest way you’ve ever told me that you love me.” He said, a smile in his voice. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I’m seeing Cameron tonight for a bit. Just for coffee.”
“Oh.”
“No, babe, really. Just coffee.”
“Why?”
“He wanted to talk to me.”
“You know he still looks at you, right? In class and stuff. He still stares at you.” He said desperately. I sighed.
“I don’t want him. I want you. Only you.”
“Frank, please. I need you here with me.” He whimpered.
“I don’t have to go. I said I’m running it by you, and I am. If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t. I just think it’s important to clear the air, you know? We ended things fast and it was messy, and I want to make sure I didn’t hurt him too badly.”
“I wanna see you.” He said weakly.
“I’ll come over straight after, I promise. You get me for your whole life, he gets me for like, an hour. And even then, I’m still yours. Gee, is this okay? I don’t want to do anything to hurt you.”
“Oh, Frankie, you’re always hurting me.”
“Don’t say that.” I said softly.
“You are. And I’m hurting you. Toxic, remember?” he said, his voice light again.
“Absolutely. A couple of immoral, toxic, destructive fuckers.” I grinned. He laughed.
“I’m so infatuated with you. Let me know when you’re coming over, then.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re mine.” He whispered. I smiled.
“Yours.” I breathed. He chuckled softly and hung up, and I slid my phone back in my pocket, turning to my friends, who were looking at me like I was insane.
“That was intense, brother.” Joe laughed. Chris nodded in agreement, and I blushed.
“We’re a little bit intense. You know, as a unit.” I smiled softly.
“What’s that about him getting you for the rest of his life?” Chris asked, quirking an eyebrow up. I shrugged.
“He is, isn’t he? I mean, I’m not leaving him, and-“
“Are you marrying him?” Chris asked bluntly. I stared in shock at his bluntness.
“Ah. Um. He hasn’t asked yet.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“He…if he asks.”
“And will he?”
“He…um. Yes?”
“Do you know for certain?”
“Yes. His brother told me. He’s gonna ask me to marry him.” I said, defeated, but feeling a sense of elation as the words slipped out of my lips. Both boys looked shocked.
“Shit, that’s…Frank, you can’t say yes.”
“What? Why wouldn’t I?” I snapped. Chris took a deep breath.
“Because you’re too young.”
“I know what I want, and I want him. Always.”
“Dude, you haven’t even been together for a year yet. I mean, I know you love him, I do, but you can’t know you always will.” Joe said softly. I shook my head.
“You guys are wrong.”
“We want to be wrong, Frank. I mean, sure, Joe still has his reservations –“
“I’m getting there, though” Joe cut in.
“Right, but I care about you, and I actually really care about him, too. I think you two just need time, to see how far your relationship can go.”
“What about University? I won’t see him for three years, then.” I said quietly.
“Yeah, marry him after Uni. That’s a good idea.” Chris said, smiling in a way that was almost relieved. I looked away then, letting them know that the conversation was, as far as I was concerned, over.
Thankfully, they respected my wishes.

Cameron was already there when I arrived at the coffee shop a few hours later. From the way he shrugged his jacket off, he’d only arrived a few moments earlier himself. He spotted me almost straight away and smiled. I swallowed hard and made my way over to him.
“Hey Cam.” I smiled softly. He smiled back.
“Hey, Frank. Thanks for meeting me.” He said, pushing a cup of coffee towards me. I took a sip and chewed my lip – he’d remembered the way I took my coffee. He sipped his own drink with a knowing smile, and I laughed a little bit.
“So, what did you wanna talk about?” I asked, shrugging out of my hoodie. He took a breath.
“About things. We never got the chance to discuss what happened.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“No, I understand. He always comes first, right?” he said bitterly. I sighed.
“Yeah, he does.” I said firmly. Cameron nodded slowly.
“I just…never pictured my first time having sex like that, you know? I mean, you used me, Frank. The whole time, you used me, but especially then. He told you he didn’t want you, so you came to me for a quick fuck because you knew I’d give it to you. I really wanted you, Frank, and you just used me.” He said weakly. I sighed.
“Yeah. I did. I hated myself for it, but I did. I think I needed you, but not in the way you wanted me to.”
“You needed me to distract you from him.” He said bluntly.
“Yeah.” I admitted. He nodded.
“At least you’re honest.” He sighed. I chewed my lip.
“I meant what I said. If I’d met you first, things would have been so different.”
“I know. Even now, we’re such a good match. We like the same things, and we just work. You and him don’t work, and I don’t know why you keep choosing dysfunction and pain over something that could make you happy.”
“Because I’m in love with him, and because I couldn’t imagine a world without him. I know you’d be better for me, Cam. I fucking know that. I just can’t do it, though. I can’t be without him.”
“That’s unhealthy.”
“I know.” I murmured.
“Couldn’t you try?”
“I didn’t come to talk about this, Cam. I came to see if we could try being friends, and the way you’re acting, it doesn’t look likely.” I snapped. He blanched.
“Right, sorry Frank.” He sighed.
“I’m sorry about what happened, okay? It was wrong of me on so many levels to do what I did. I confused you, and him, and myself, and I’m sorry. But you have to accept that I chose him, and that’s it. He’s it for me.” I explained. Cameron nodded.
“Yeah, I know. Look, okay, let’s be friendly.” He laughed softly. I smiled and nodded.
“Okay, sure. How was your day?” I asked. He laughed.
“It was fine, thanks. How’s yours been?”
“Fine, I suppose.” I smiled. He smiled back, but it faded, his eyes rising to something behind me. I turned around and gasped.
“O-oh. Hi.” I stammered. Bert’s lips quirked up.
“Hello, Frankie. Is this Cameron?” he purred.
“Yeah. What are you doing down here?”
“I’m actually on my way to see Gerard.” He beamed. My stomach tightened.
“You are?” I said weakly. He nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Um, okay.” I said. I could feel myself shaking, and struggled to keep his gaze.
“What’s the matter, Frank? Scared I’ll fuck your boyfriend?” he teased. Cameron sucked in a breath.
“No.” I said firmly.
“You should be. I hear he’s not doing so good recently.”
“He’s fine.”
“Nope. Heard he’s been taking xanax again. You know he gets when he’s high, Frank? Horny. Real fucking horny.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“See you later, Frank.” He chuckled, and then turned to Cam “you know, Gerard really fucking hates you, kid.” He said, before turning on his heel and walking away. We were silent for a moment as I tried to fight tears.
“Are you alright?” Cameron said softly. I shook my head.
“No.” I breathed, letting the tears flow down my cheeks.
“Who was that?”
“Gerard’s ex. He hates me.” I groaned. Cameron laughed sadly.
“I can see that.”
“God…oh god.” I whimpered, putting my head in my hands.
“He’s not gonna fuck him.” Cameron said firmly. I looked up.
“How do you know?”
“Because…fuck, okay, I really don’t wanna say this, but Mr. Way really, really loves you. He told me so.”
“What?”
“He told me that he loves you.”
“When was this?”
“Like, I don’t know. A month ago? I stayed behind after class for help with work, and he just…he started crying and saying that he loved you. It was really weird.” He mumbled.
“Why did he do that?”
“He said that whenever he sees me, he just gets this pain in his chest because…um, because he knows you’re better off with me. His words, not mine.” He mumbled.
“Do you think that’s why he invited Bert over? Because I’m seeing you?”
“I…don’t know, Frank. I’m sorry.” He mumbled. I just nodded and sipped my coffee, staring at the wall.
“You should go to him.” He said softly. I looked up, eyes wide.
“No, I said I’d see you and –“
“And you did. We’ll hang out again, right?” he said with a small smile. I nodded, and I meant it. When he wasn’t being a possessive dick, Cameron was really sweet.
“Thank you.” I breathed, leaning forward to kiss his cheek, and ignoring the way he blushed. I grabbed my hoodie and jogged out of the shop, heading in the way of Gerard’s house.
It was while I was on the way that I got the text from Gerard.

FROM: Gee.
(4:56pm)
Bert’s an asshole. Don’t believe a word he said. I’m waiting for you to come back to me. <3

TO: Gee.
(4:58pm)
Is he really there?

FROM: Gee.
(5:01pm)
Yes. He’s doing an environment check for Mikey, to make sure I’m taking care of him properly. Normally someone else does it, but I guess he was the only one available. We’re not fucking. I’m sorry if he scared you. I love you. <3

I breathed a sigh of relief, my eyes flooding with tears as I stopped, covering my mouth with my hand. He wasn’t cheating on me. Bert was lying. Gerard loved me.I crouched down, wrapping my arms around my knees to calm myself down, taking deep breaths as I replied.

TO: Gee.
(5:10pm)
I’m on my way, baby. Can’t wait to hold you. I need to feel you in my arms. That asshole scared me so bad.

FROM: Gee.
(5:12pm)
I’m so sorry, sweetheart. So sorry. I’ll make it up to you.
He’s just left, anyway, so you don’t have to deal with his shit. I’m sorry he frightened you. My poor little baby. <3

TO: Gee.
(5:14pm)
You’re too cute. Get yourself snuggled up and ready for me. <3

He didn’t reply after that, but that was okay. I felt so much better now that he’d reassured me, and actually even felt a little bit guilty for doubting him, and for leaving Cameron like that. I considered going back and apologizing, but I was getting pretty close to Gee’s place, and I guessed he’d probably already left.
Whatever. I guess I’d just have to apologise on Monday.
My thoughts were stopped by a rough hand on my shoulder.
“What do you want?” I snapped at him. Bert glowered at me.
“I wanna talk to you, kid.” He said gruffly, pulling me by my hoodie down the gap between two houses. He let go and threw me back, making me reel slightly.
“What?” I snapped. He groaned in frustration.
“I don’t get it, Frank. I really don’t. You’re so bad for him, and you’re immature and selfish, and fuck, you’re a child. How could he want you?”
“I don’t know. But he does.” I said weakly. Bert shook his head.
“I just don’t understand. I gave him everything, and he left me for some prepubescent brat.” He spat.
“I’m sorry. I really am. I can’t imagine how that felt, but it’s not my fault.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not.” I insisted. He pushed me against the wall.
“I bet it’s the sex, isn’t it? I bet he just wants you for your ass.”
“No. He loves me.”
“Yeah?” he said, sounding amused.
“Yes. He loves me.”
“Bull. Shit.” He said, bringing a hand down to my jeans and palming me. I tried to kick out at him, but he pushed me against the wall.
“Shit, just stay still. I just want to see something.” He snapped.
“No. Let me go.” I said, wiggling. He gripped my shoulder hard and I whined.
“Just stay still. Jesus.” He almost yelled.
“Please let me go.” I said, trying to move some part of my body away from him.
“God, just stay fucking still. I just want to see something.”
“What?”
“Just let me do this.” He said, rubbing me roughly. A soft moan escaped from my lips involuntarily, and he smirked.
“So, he wants you because you’re a slut.” He laughed. I shook my head, pressing my eyes shut.
“Just let me go. I won’t tell Gerard anything. Just let me go to him.”
“He won’t want you once he hears how much of a slut you are.”
“I’m not a slut.”
“Yeah? Why were you with your ex, then? Why are you getting hard?”
“Stop touching me. I want to leave.” I said, my head getting dizzy as anxiety crashed over me in waves.
“No you don’t. You’re hard.”
“I don’t…want to…” I sobbed, feeling desperate. I didn’t even bother moving now, it just made him angrier.
“I need to understand this. I need to know why he wants you so badly.”
“B-because he loves me.” I sobbed.
“He won’t after this. Once I tell him how much you wanted me to touch you.”
“I don’t want you to. Stop.”
“You act all tough, Frank, but you’re a little bitch. Just look at you, you can’t even fight me off.”
“P-please. Let me leave.” I whispered. I was reminded of before, in Reggie’s shop when this had happened. Except this time, there was no Reggie to save me.
“Slut.” He hissed, rubbing me harder. My legs felt weak as my cock throbbed, each pump making me feel sick. I was going to vomit.
“Please, I’m gonna be sick.” I whispered.
“Not until you cum.”
“N-no. Don’t make me. Please. I want to go.” I rasped, feeling my stomach tighten. I was going to either cum or vomit, and I sincerely hoped it was the second one.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, but my hands were pinned too far away, so I just let it ring helplessly as I struggled against his solid body pressed against me.
“I don’t w-want-“ I breathed as my cock throbbed and I came. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling sickness rise in my throat, but all that came out was a whimper. Bert stepped away from me, and I fell to the floor.
“You’re not even that good a fuck. It’s not that. What is it he wants with you?” he cried, more to himself than to me.
“You’re crazy.” I whispered.
“It doesn’t matter. He won’t want you now. Look at you, you cum-covered mess. Filthy slut.”
“Just go.” I breathed. He didn’t spare me a second glance as he did just that. I curled up, my breathing deep and jagged. I could smell cum on myself and winced. I was so bad. So fucking bad.
With shaking hands, I pulled my still-ringing phone out of my pocket and brought it to my ear.
“Yeah?” I said shakily.
“Baby, where are you?” Gerard asked, his voice soft and warm. I choked back tears as I replied.
“I-I’m almost there.” I said, staggering to my feet.
“Baby? Are you okay?” he asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“No. What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Please, I’m fine.” I said as my legs steadied.
“No you’re not. Was it Cameron?” he asked darkly.
“N-no. He didn’t do anything. He was nice.”
“What is it, then? Baby, you’re scaring me.” He said weakly. I saw his road approaching and breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’ll be there in like, five minutes, okay? Don’t be scared, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. What happened? Please, Frankie-“
“Don’t. I’m fine.” I said, hanging up. Truth be told, I felt the furthest thing from fine, but I didn’t want to tell him that. I was ashamed. I felt dirty, and I knew, deep down, that Bert was right. Gerard wouldn’t want me anymore if he found out how much of a slut I was. I’d actually cum from having someone else’s hands on me, whether I’d asked for them or not. I felt more tears slip down my face, and took a moment to wipe them away before walking the rest of the distance to his house.
I knocked weakly on the door, and I thought my heart would explode when he opened the door, his face concerned.
“Oh, God.” He breathed, pulling me into his arms.
“I’m fine.” I whispered.
“What happened? Frankie, please. What happened?” he demanded, wiping the tears from my face. He slammed the door shut and dragged me over to the sofa, pulling me close to him. I felt paranoid that he’d smell the cum on me and know how much of a slut I was, but he wouldn’t let me move.
“I…can’t. Please. Let me go.” I whispered, wincing as the words came out. He jumped away from me, looking at me in surprise.
“What happened to you?”
“I can’t tell you. I’m okay.”
“Frank, please. Baby, I need to know what happened. You look like shit, and you’re acting weird and…and I need to know what happened to my baby.”
“You wouldn’t love me anymore if I told you.” I whispered, pulling my knees up.
“I will always love you.”
“You won’t. You’ll leave me.”
“That could never happen. Did something happen with Cameron?” he asked softly. I shook my head.
“No.”
“Then what? Frank, please. You’re really scaring me.”
“I…can’t. Don’t make me.”
“I won’t. I wouldn’t make you do anything.” He said, reaching for my face.
“I need a shower.” I blurted. He nodded softly.
“Okay. Want me to come in with you?”
“No. Don’t.” I shuddered, running upstairs. I slammed the bathroom door shut behind me, breathing heavily.
I was everything Bert had said and more, and Gerard deserved to know how much of a slut his boyfriend was, but I couldn’t bear to tell him. He’d hate me, and he was already bad enough as it was. I needed him to recover and be okay before putting my problems onto him.
As I slid out of my clothes and the smell and feeling of cum on my thighs hit me, I barely had enough time to lean over the toilet before the vomit I’d been holding back made it’s way out. I coughed and spluttered, leaning against the toilet and sobbing gently, hating the way I was feeling so sorry for myself. Gerard was the real victim, here. Bert was just proving a point. I was a slut.

Gerard’s eyes were wide and concerned all night, but he knew better than to ask me what was wrong anymore. I’d made it clear I didn’t want to talk about it.
“Frank?” he whispered as we were crawling into bed. He was naked, as always, but I insisted on keeping my clothes on.
“What?” I said softly.
“I’ll love you no matter what. There’s something up, and I don’t know what it is, but I want you to know you can come to me with anything. I don’t care what happened, alright? I don’t give a shit what it was, I just want you to be alright. I won’t be mad, or upset, I just need to know.” He said softly, his voice cracking. I hated this. I hated making him sad.
“Goodnight Gerard.” I breathed. He sighed and slid into bed, his arms wrapping around my waist. They felt too tight and heavy against me. Instead of feeling comforted, I felt wrong. He shouldn’t have to touch me with his pure, beautiful arms. I was filthy.
“Please don’t touch me.” I whispered. He removed his hands quietly, but I didn’t miss his silent sob.
“You’re scaring me so badly.” He whispered, his voice cracking. I just curled into a ball, pretending to be asleep.

Notes

Oh god. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was going to happen until it was happening, and I'm sorry, I hate me too, you all have permission to murder me.