I Think I Like It

I just stared at him, open-mouthed for a moment. My head was buzzing, and I felt like I was falling in and out of reality. This couldn’t be happening, he can’t know. Nobody can ever know. I felt my chest constrict with panic at the idea that someone else knew about us. He had the power to ruin everything, and that scared me almost as much as the consequences of him ruining everything.
“What makes you think that?” I said calmly – much more calmly than I felt. I was careful not to confirm or deny anything until I knew if he had proof.
“I knew you found him attractive since day one. I mean, you stare at him a lot. And like, I knew he was fond of you, but I figured it was just one of those ‘you’re my favourite’ things, so I didn’t think much of it. But then…I don’t know. The way you two act is way too close for students and teachers, even ones who’ve known each other for almost three years. That was only a passing thought, though, but still it didn’t go away, and it tainted everything. I started to notice the way his eyes followed you when you walked, or the way you stared at each other from across the lunch hall. It was only today, when he came in with scratches down his back, and you came in with those lovebites that I really put it together. It’s not the first time it’s happened, either. The last time you came in with lovebites, he kept looking at you and talking about it, and even then I thought it was a bit weird.The thing that really pushed it into place for me, though, was the look on his face when Chris said I gave you those hickies. You told me your guy was jealous of me, and what Mr. Way showed was jealousy and more. It was like he would shoot me dead if he could for even pretending that I’d touched you.” He said, his voice still strong, but going weak at the end – almost out of fear. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, noticing in the back of my mind that I was shaking. He sighed when I didn’t reply.
“I’m right, aren’t I? That’s the flaw that means that you two can’t be together – that he’s your teacher? That it’s illegal? It’s all true, isn’t it?” he asked slowly. I could deny it. I could yell at him and tell him he was being stupid, and that he shouldn’t accuse me of things. Instead, though, I let out a deep breath and looked at him pleadingly.
“Don’t tell anyone.” I breathed. He exhaled and looked down, like he’d been wounded. I guess he was holding out some hope that he was wrong.
“So it’s true.” He mumbled. I nodded, even though it wasn’t a question.
“How long?” he asked softly.
“Maybe a month? It all sort of kicked off the week before my birthday.”I admitted.
“How?” he said, his voice hoarse. I paused and glanced up at the door.
“Maybe we should go back to my place. I don’t want him to hear us.” I said, dropping my voice. Cameron laughed bitterly.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because he’ll be upset that I told you.” I said simply.
“Why should I give a shit if he’s upset?” he said harshly, and I winced. It wasn’t normal for him to be this sharp, and it was making me uncomfortable.
“You don’t have to, but I do.” I said softly. His face softened and he nodded.
“Okay, but only because I really, really want you to explain all of this to me.” He said, sliding his hand in mine, and my heart fluttered in my chest – even after what he knew, he still wanted to be near me. I held his hand and led him to my place. We didn’t say a word to each other the whole way there, but I could almost feel his eagerness to know what was happening. I, on the other hand, couldn’t have been less excited to explain it to him.


“Go on then.” He said once we were in my room. I sat down and held both of his hands in mine.
“It happened by accident. I didn’t find him attractive, and then I did, and then we started flirting, and then he caught me touching myself during class and he-“
“He caught you touching yourself?” Cameron said slowly. I chewed my lip and nodded, half proud, half ashamed.
“And then he ah, he made me…do it. In front of him.”
“Do what?”
“Cum. He asked me to cum for him, one night in detention. He said I couldn’t leave until I did.” I said softly. Cameron’s eyes practically bulged out of his head.
“That’s abuse, Frank.” He said bluntly. I shook my head and smiled.
“No, I could have said no. He didn’t force me – I wanted to. He was really nice about it afterwards.” I explained. Cameron scoffed, but otherwise didn’t interrupt.
“So then fast forward a bit to the Halloween Ball and –“
“He was the mystery guy.”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck. Okay.”
“Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. Continue.”
“Okay. So, yeah, we kissed and…talked about stuff. I guess that’s where we started properly. Then the next lesson-“ I broke off.
“What?”
“I don’t want to tell you. It might be too…painful.” I said, looking away.
“I don’t know if it could get any worse.” He laughed humorlessly, and my heart squeezed. I didn’t want to hurt him. Fuck, I didn’t ever want to hurt anyone, but it seemed to be all I did. I took a deep breath.
“I sucked him off under the table.” I said, looking him dead-pan in the eyes. He gasped.
“W-what?”
“Yeah. I kneeled under the table and sucked his dick while the class – while you – sat just a few feet away.”
“He made you do that?” Cameron whispered, his face horrified. I shook my head.
“No! Fuck, Cameron, he doesn’t make me do anything! I want to. He suggested it, okay, but I was the one who really pushed it. He’s always making it very clear that I can stop whenever I want. He’d rather die than hurt me.” I said, the last part coming out as a hoarse whisper.
“Is that why he…” Cam said, making a gesture across his wrist. I nodded softly.
“Yeah. I mean, not just because of me, but I suspect that I played a part in it.” I sighed, looking down and biting my lip. Even though the circumstances sucked, it was actually kind of nice to be able to get it all off my chest for once.
“I’m sorry.” Cameron said sincerely, squeezing my hand. I nodded and smiled.
“So, that’s it. I’m sorry.” I said hoarsely.
“I don’t see where I come into it.” He murmured.
“I was going to pretend to date you so nobody would find out about me and Ge-Mr. Way. Like a red herring.” I said, feeling ashamed.
“Oh.” He said, his head dropping so he was looking down into his lap. I held his chin and pushed it up so he was looking at me.
“At first, anyway.” I said softly.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that…fuck, I don’t know. I guess I started liking you. No, fuck it, I don’t guess, I know. You make me feel good, and G-Mr. Way knows that. That’s why he’s so jealous.”
“So you’re not pretending?” he asked weakly. I shook my head, smiling softly.
“Not even a little bit.”
“Prove it.” He murmured. I knew what he wanted, and even more, I wanted to give it to him. My mind wandered to Gerard, probably sitting alone at home, eating dinner alone, or watching TV alone. He was on his own, and I was here with someone else.
I wished I cared more, though, while my lips were pressing softly against Cameron’s. He whimpered softly and tangled his hands gently in my hair. He wasn’t as good as Gerard, his lips were clumsy and fell awkwardly against mine, but his mouth was soft and warm, and his hands were gentle in my hair. I slid my hands to his waist and pulled him closer to me, almost smiling when he locked his arms around my neck. I deepened the kiss, forcing his mouth open a little wider with my tongue. He moaned softly, and it sent an electric current through my body; a weak one, yes, but it was still there. I moaned and pushed him backwards, so I was kneeling over him, his legs separated on either side of my hips while my tongue rolled around in his submissive, inexperienced mouth. I wondered vaguely if this is what Gerard thought the first time he kissed me, and felt guilt hit me hard in the chest. I broke off, gasping.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I just- fuck. I can’t.” I breathed, pulling away. Cameron sat up, looking dazed and disappointed.
“I thought you liked me. What the fuck, Frank?” he asked, genuinely confused. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to ignore the tears that spilled over onto my cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I love him, Cameron. I can’t do this to him. He needs me.” I panted, feeling panic rise into my throat. Cameron shuffled forward, rubbing a comforting hand up and down my back.
“Shh, calm down. Don’t panic. Just breathe.” He murmured. I did as he said, and started to feel a little bit more human.
“I think he’d die without me, I really do. He keeps trying to kill himself, and I can’t let him do that. He’s such a good person, Cam, he really is, and he doesn’t deserve any of the shit he puts himself through.”
“Would a good person sexually exploit a child?” he said softly. I jerked away from him.
“I’m an adult. I can consent if I want to.”
“With anyone but him.”
“Fuck the law. I know what I want.”
“I know. Sorry, it just sort of came out.” He said softly. I nodded and leaned against him.
“I do like you, Cam, but he’s so important, and he’d die if I ever left him. I can’t let that happen. I’m all he’s got.” I whispered. Cameron stroked my hair gently.
“Is that why you’re with him? Because you’re scared of him trying to kill himself if you leave? That’s not right, Frank. You can’t make yourself miserable for his sake.” He said gently.
“I’m not miserable. He makes me happier than I’ve ever been.”
“You don’t look happy to me.”
I didn’t know how to reply to that, so I didn’t. In a way, I guess he was right. If I didn’t have to worry about Gerard ‘offing’ himself, maybe I’d go on a break from him for a bit: sow my oats, so to speak; but I’d always come back because I loved him, and because there couldn’t be anyone like him in my life. Right?
“I won’t tell anyone, by the way.” Cameron said gently. I sat up and looked at him, bewildered.
“Why?” I asked. He shook his head, smiling.
“Because, even though I don’t like it, and it is totally illegal and morally wrong, not to mention the fact that he’s an absolute asshole at the best of times, I care about you. I know that if people found out, it’d be hell for you, so I’ll keep my mouth shut.” He said. I held his hand and smiled fondly.
“Thank you.” I breathed. He shook his head.
“Yeah, don’t mention it. Seriously. Don’t talk to me about it, or him, or this. Ever again.” He said. I smiled.
“There is no risk of me ever doing that.” I said, and he laughed, falling backwards onto my bed. I looked at him and smiled, glad that, even though things were still confusing, he understood. All I needed was for someone to understand.


I hadn’t checked my phone for the whole time Cameron was at my place, but after he left (with a soft kiss on my cheek, for my Mom’s benefit), I looked at my messages tentatively. On my main phone, I had a couple of messages from Joe asking about homework, which I assumed Chris would answer. I also got a few from each of them asking how things with Cameron were going (Joe, of course, asking for details). I ignored them both, and turned to my second phone which was, to my dismay, flashing red. I nearly ignored it, but I knew that would be cowardly. Not to mention that he was probably (though he’d never admit it) nervously awaiting a reply from me.

FROM: Gee.
(4:56pm)
Everything okay?

FROM: Gee.
(5:09pm)
I guess he’s still there. Let me know how things go.

FROM: Gee.
(5:22pm)
This is killing me. I love you.

FROM: Gee.
(5:46pm)
Are you mad at me because of what I said in class earlier? I wasn’t trying to be mean, I was just joking around. You know what you mean to me. <3

FROM: Gee.
(6:09pm)
I’m not normally this clingy, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m gonna turn my phone off because I guess I’m being pretty annoying and you’re probably not even thinking about me. I love you so much and I’m so fucking sorry. I just fucking love you okay?

FROM: Gee.
(7:17pm)
I’m pretty fdunk. I’m gonna turn my phone off for rela thjis time. . Lovre you.

The last one was sent only about half an hour before I read it. My palms were sweaty as I read the message over and over. Maybe he was so drunk that he forgot to turn his phone off, and I could call him. Even so, did I really want to be faced with a drunk Gerard? He was jealous and manipulative at the best of times, and I imagined that drunk, he’d be even worse.
I mentally shook my head, horrified that I’d even think that. He clearly needed me, so I pushed my discomfort aside and called him. Thankfully, he answered pretty quickly.
“Who’sis?” he asked.
“It’s me, babe.” I murmured.
“Who’s ‘me’?”
“Frank.”
“Who?”
“Frank? Iero?” I said, my heart hammering. He made a happy noise.
“Love of my life Frank? That Frank?”
“Uh, I guess so.”
“Hello baby baby boy. How are you?”
“Fine. Are you okay?”
“Perrrrrfectly.” He slurred, giggling. I rolled my eyes.
“Promise?
“Yes, fuck, I’m fine.” He snapped.
“Why are you drinking, honey?” I asked gently. He sighed loudly.
“Because I’m in love with you and you’re fucking stupid.” He said simply. I nodded – I couldn’t say I disagreed with his observation.
“Are you safe?”
“I’m safe.”
“Do you need me to come over?” I asked urgently, glancing at the clock. Mom would let me out if I said it was an emergency.
“No! You need sleep for school so you can learn things.”
“But if you need me-“
“I always need you.” He sobbed. My heart ached in my chest with a mix of sadness and guilt.
“Try to sober up, okay? For me?”
“I’m gonna try. I miss Mikey.”
“He misses you too.” I assured him, not sure if it was even true.
“We’re gonna see him though aren’t we?” he said
“Yeah, baby, real soon. You have to sober up though. What would he say if he saw you drunk?”
“He’d be mad and he’d cry.”
“Then do it for Mikey.”
“And for you?”
“And for me. And for yourself.”
“Not that last one.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a disgusting, fat piece of shit.”
“No you’re not. You’re beautiful and I love you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“What?”
“Nothin’.”
“Gerar-“
“Bye Frank.” He said, hanging up. I tried calling him back, but it went straight to his answering machine; I guess he finally turned his phone off. I groaned and flung my phone across the room. Why did he always have to be so fucking difficult? I was feeling a little bit better, and then he had to, as always, go and make me feel worse. It’s like he knew when I was happy without him, so he had to do something drastic to make me miserable again, just so he could pick me up. I knew it was an absurd thought, that he wasn’t that manipulative, and he was probably hurting more than I was, but I was angry and it made sense.
I figured he’d probably try to call me later tonight when he sobered up, but my head was feeling messy enough and I didn’t need him making me more confused, so I sent him a text.

TO: Gee.
(8:16pm)
I love you, okay? Don’t ever doubt that. I’m turning my phone off because I need time to think. Please don’t message me or call me, or even talk to me when you see me tomorrow. I just need space. I still love you and need you, but I also need time to breathe.
I’m yours, though. Always.

I hoped he wouldn’t read it until he was fully sober, or else that sounded a lot like a break up. I read through it a few times before I sent it, feeling guilty as soon as I hit the send key. It was mostly true, though. I did need space, especially after what had happened with Cameron that afternoon. I felt like I was on the brink of an epiphany but Gerard, as always, was making it very hard to think.
In fact, the whole text was based on truth. The only thing that I knew for certain was a lie was that I was his. The fact that I could still feel the ghost of Cameron’s lips against mine was proof of that. As painful as it was to consider, it refused to be ignored – he was no longer the only source of light in my sky.

Notes

This is my first fic published on here, so this community doesn't know how much of an asshole writer I am. :) :) :) :) yet :) :) :) :)

Also, I just wanted to say that everyone's reactions to the last chapter were hilarious. You guys made me smile like a fuckin' idiot in public.