I Think I Like It

By the time I reached school the next day, all of the warm haze that the weekend had brought had cleared, and reality was clinging to me, heavy against my skin. I saw my friends, once again accompanied by Cameron, at the end of the hallway and groaned, tugging my shirt up a little bit. It’d be awkward enough dealing with my friends’ questions, but I could already imagine Cameron’s sad puppy-dog face, and I just knew it’d melt my heart. I thought about not going over, but I knew that’d make me look even guiltier. At least we didn’t have English until the very last thing, so I could try and regain some normality before seeing Gerard.
I approached them slowly, trying to ignore their eyes on me. As I got closer though, of course, it got harder to ignore and I raised my head, making a bit of a show of taking my earphones out and shoving them into my pocket.
“Hey guys.” I said smiling, standing next to Cameron. Joe and Chris’ eyes almost bulged out of their heads, and Cameron shifted uncomfortably next to me. So it seems that we’re doing this now, then.
“Dude, what the fuck ate your neck?”
“It…I…” I stammered. Chris turned to look at Cameron.
“Did you do this?” he asked, bewildered. I sucked in a breath. Cameron giggled and slid his hand into mine.
“Yeah, I guess I got a bit carried away.” He said, blushing. I turned to look at him, open-mouthed, and he winked at me.
“Dude, well done.” Joe asked, raising his hand for a high five, which Cameron reluctantly returned. He turned to me, his eyes wide.
“Can I talk to you?” he said softly. I nodded and let him lead me away. He leaned against a nearby post and sighed, looking up at me.
“Okay. So I just covered for your ass, so I think I deserve an explanation.” He said, more sharply than I was used to from him. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it though.
“I have a- boyfriend. I guess. Sort of. He’s like, a guy I’m seeing.”
“And a guy you fuck.” He said. I blushed.
“Yeah. I mean, when he texted you…we weren’t doing anything. He just said that to make you mad. We were literally just chilling out.” I said. He nodded, seeming somewhat appeased.
“Why would he say that to me?” he asked, tilting his head. I smiled and ran my hand through my hair.
“He’s ah, jealous of you.” I said, blushing. He raised his eyebrows.
“Jealous? Why?”
“Because y’know. We’ve gotten really close and he knows that you like me and ah, that I like you.”I said, looking down. He slid his hand back in mine, and I peeked up, smiling softly.
“You like me?” he asked gently.
“I thought it was obvious.”
“It’s not really.” He laughed, running his hand behind his neck. He stopped and chewed his lip. I pressed my lips together.
“Well, I kinda do. It’s complicated. Everything’s so damn complicated.” I groaned.
“I don’t understand that.” He said, narrowing his eyes.
“I can’t explain it that well. It’s like, okay, so I’ve got this guy, and he’s great. Better than great, actually. He’s pretty much everything I could ever want in a person and I’m stupidly in love with him. But there’s this big fuckin’ flaw that means that we can’t be together – not really.” I said, looking down, slightly defeated. Cameron, to my surprise, just nodded slowly, trying to understand.
“And then there’s you, and you’re just. I don’t know, you kinda just draw me to you a bit, and you’re so calm and easy to be with, and there’s no complexity or awkwardness or expectation. It just is. It’s nice.” I confessed. He smiled a little bit.
“But you’re in love with the other guy?” he said softly.
“Yeah, I am. I wish I could tell you I wasn’t, Cam, but I am.” I said. He pressed his lips together thoughtfully, and then looked up at me from under his eyelashes. When Gerard did it, it was enough to make me feel weak with longing, and I noticed that when Cameron did it, I felt nothing at all.
“Maybe you’re not in love with him. I mean, you like me, right? Surely if you were in love, you wouldn’t even try looking for someone else.” He said softly, almost hopefully.
“That sounds right, but it’s not.” I said, ignoring the feeling of doubt eating away at my chest. He shrugged.
“Well, that’s irrelevant.”
“It is?”
“Yeah. I just wanted an explanation. We don’t need to work everything out now.” He said with a small smile. I beamed and pulled him into a tight hug. This was exactly why I thought being with him was so much easier than Gerard. Granted, it wasn’t as rewarding, but it sure as fuck was easier.
“Wanna walk to Art with me?” he asked softly. I nodded and beamed at him, taking his hand and not giving a damn who saw.

Art consisted of us being asked to draw fruit, which sat on the table in front of us. I found it hard to concentrate, mainly because I was awful at drawing, so my oranges ended up looking like distorted human skulls (which I thought actually looked better, but apparently, it wasn’t). Instead, I thought ahead to my last lesson of the day. He hadn’t texted or called me, and I hadn’t tried to contact him either; I assumed that we were both trying to spare ourselves of the emotional trauma that would come from texting each other before we actually saw each other. It was always better to talk to him face-to-face than it was over text, because texting made me miss him even more. Like, he was there, but he wasn’t physically there. Even just thinking about him now made my heart ache dully in my chest – aided even more by the guilt I felt about my conversation with Cameron. I meant most of it, at the time, but the more I thought, the more I was unsure. Surely he couldn’t be right, regarding me not being in love with Gee, right? I thought of everything we’d been through. Of course I loved him. I felt a slight bit of resentment at Cameron for even suggesting it was otherwise, and leaned a little bit further away from his desk out of pure spite (though, that could have just been guilt because I still wasn’t sure that he was completely wrong).
“You okay?” he asked, reaching out and holding my hand. I smiled, my anger and confusion melting away at his touch.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“More complexities?” he asked with an amused smile.
“Yeah, I guess so.” I said, laughing.
“At least I’ll never get bored.” He murmured, smiling as he turned back to his work. I watched him drawing for a moment. He wasn’t very good, but I thought it was kinda cute how his tongue poked out of his mouth a little bit, his eyes squinting as he drew specific, precise lines across the paper. He sighed and looked up at me, giggling softly.
“You’re distracting me!” he protested. I held my hands up in surrender and looked back at my own mess of lines and shading, smiling softly, and then groaning because, fuck, my life was almost as much of a mess as my failed drawing.

My day was mostly filled with Cameron being fuckin’ adorable and understanding, and Joe and Chris making teasing jokes and comments about the serious-looking wounds on my neck. I was surprised that they actually believed he’d done them – he was so virginal and cute, it was completely unrealistic that he’d be able to destroy my skin like that. Still, I let them believe it because it was better than the reality.
Way too fucking soon, however, I found myself following my friends to our normal table at lunch. I didn’t look over to see if he was sitting in his usual place, but somehow I knew he was. Sure enough, a quick glance up revealed him to be sitting there, a book in one hand and an apple in the other. My mouth watered with need as I watched him bring the fruit to his lips, still swollen, bruised and cut from where mine had pressed against them roughly not even a day before. He seemed to be intentionally not looking at me, which I didn’t understand, but I figured I’d humor him and looked away.
“So are you two official now or what?” Chris asked. Cameron shifted uncomfortably and I pursed my lips.
“Not official, no. We’re just seeing where this goes.” I explained.
“Just getting rid of a few complexities.” Cameron said, and I felt a chill run through me at the unexpected malice in his voice.
My friends were visibly disappointed, but nodded and accepted our answer.
“I didn’t realize you planned to get rid of the complexities.” I said under my breath.
“I can try, can’t I?” he asked, his eyes wide with feigned innocence.
“I guess. Yeah.” I said, beaming. I knew it would be almost impossible for him to distract me from Gerard, but I was sort of looking forward to him trying, as selfish and malicious as it sounds (at this point, though, I was way beyond feeling guilty about being selfish). I dragged my eyes up to Gerard, who was still strategically avoiding me. I sighed and rested my head in my hand, and nearly missed when his eyes flashed up to mine, just for a moment, before dropping again. I groaned in frustration and buried my head in my arms. I’d pissed him off somehow, I was sure, but I didn’t know why. Nor did I particularly care, because Cameron took that opportunity to wrap his arm lightly around my waist, and I was too excited about that to remember that I was stressed out because my boyfriend (could I still use that word? It felt wrong now) was ignoring me, which I realized in retrospect was a very bad sign. Feeling completely wrought with guilt, I looked at Gerard again, and almost breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him looking at me.
“I’m sorry.” I mouthed. He looked slightly taken aback, his eyebrows raising.
“For what?” he mouthed back, his eyebrows furrowing. I chewed my lip and looked down. Well, shit. I guess he wasn’t mad at me after all. I figured that it was just my own guilt projecting my feelings onto him.
“Nothin’. I love you.” I mouthed, and he just smiled, looking back to his book.
“So I was thinking we could hang out tonight.” Cameron said in a rush. I smiled warmly at him.
“Awesome. What did you wanna do?”
“I hadn’t actually thought of that.” He said awkwardly.
“Oh. Well, you can come to my place?” I asked, and he nodded, smiling enthusiastically. I didn’t even dare to look at Gerard.

Somehow, Chris, Cameron and I managed to get to class before anyone else, including Gerard, so we just waited outside, leaning against the wall. Cameron sighed and shuffled so he was leaning against me, and I wrapped my arms around him without even thinking. He made a happy noise and burrowed further into my arms.
“Adorable.” Gerard said from behind us, pushing past to get to the door. I let go of Cameron instinctually and chewed my lip as Gerard unlocked the classroom and swept inside, not sparing me another glance. It seemed that all the loveliness from this weekend had evaporated, leaving only the sweaty, heavy weight of reality resting on our shoulders. I made eye contact when I sat down, and gulped down my guilt. He looked pretty sad, but not wrecked, which made me feel slightly better. He even smiled a bit when he noticed me looking at him, dropping his head down so he could blush without the class noticing. Damn, he was adorable.
Once the class had filed in and were seated, he stood up.
“Okay guys, I think we’re going to have to do some actual work this lesson.” He laughed, and the class (including me, of course) groaned. He rolled his eyes.
“Man up, kids. It’s for your betterment, or whatever.” He said flippantly.
“Anyway. I’ve got some worksheets for you to fill out, and then you’re going to use the information from that to write me an essay. Sound good?”
The class gave a resounding ‘no’, and he just chuckled, turning around and reaching down to get the papers.
What he didn’t realize, though, is that when he reached forward, it pulled his white shirt tighter against his back, making the thick red lines caused by my nails to show quite noticeably through his shirt. I blushed and looked down.
“Woah, Mr. Way!” one of the guys called. Gerard turned around, raising an eyebrow.
“What?” he asked, his face pulling into a small smile. Fuck, he knew.
“Your back, dude.” chimed another one of the boys. Gerard chuckled and started distributing worksheets out to the class.
“A sign of a good night, am I right?” he said, laughing.
“Same person as last time?” One of the girls asked. His eyes flickered to me, only for a second, before he replied.
“Oh yeah.” He laughed, running his free hand through his hair as he continued to work his way around the classroom. No one said anything until he reached the front of the class, leaning against his desk with that dumb amused smirk on his face. God only knows how badly I wanted to kiss it off.
“Show us!” one of the girls squealed, and Gerard blushed.
“I…don’t think that would be appropriate.” He smiled.
“Aw, come on bro!” Chris shouted. I turned around and he gave me a thumbs up. I rolled my eyes and faced the front. Gerard chewed his lip and perched on my desk. Uh oh, this couldn’t be good.
“Alright, I’ll show you, but only if Frankie agrees to let us ogle his sex wounds.” He said, beaming at me. The class cheered and I blushed.
“They’re not sex wounds.” I snapped, slightly irritated that he’d make a spectacle of me in front of the whole class. Not only that, but he was being extremely risky, and apparently didn’t care.
“Aw, come on Frank, this is the second time you’ve come to class adorned with wounds.” He chuckled, moving to the front of the class. His fingers worked at the first two buttons on his shirt, then he stopped, laughing.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” He chuckled.
“Come on!” Anna called, sounding slightly desperate. He raised an eyebrow at her, but continued to undo his buttons. Without realizing, I leaned forward in my seat. He however, did realize, and flicked his eyes to me as he undid the rest of the buttons on his shirt. I looked at his smooth, pale chest and stomach, remembering how it felt under my hands, and had to look away before the swelling in my pants got worse.
“You guys are so weird.” He mumbled as he turned around, shedding his shirt and revealing the marks on his back. The class audibly winced in unison.
“Shit, that looks painful.” Someone said in awe. He pulled his shirt back up and did the buttons up quickly, a shy smile on his face.
“It hurt a lot. Worth it though, am I right?” he smiled. Everyone laughed and he sat down at his desk, pulling out his sketchpad that he drew in sometimes and beginning to draw.
“Come on now, guys, get your work done.” He laughed.
“What about Frank’s wounds?” Chris called. Jeez, thanks, buddy. Gerard chuckled.
“Nah, I’ll leave it for now. I don’t know if I want to hear that story anyway. It looks brutal.” He murmured with a smirk.
“Cameron did it.” Chris said proudly. Gerard’s head snapped up and he looked at me with a mix of disbelief and anger, his eyes so dark that they looked like they were completely black. He gave a tight smile.
“Did he now?” he said curtly. I gulped and nodded, not able to look at him.
“How nice of him.” He said, turning back to his drawing. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. That definitely didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I looked down at the worksheet in front of me and sighed, trying to fill in all of the boxes while my mind was preoccupied, but it was difficult. Not only was Gerard filling my mind (again), but the whole class seemed to be having a ‘who can talk the loudest’ competiton, which made it even harder to focus. That’s fine - who needs to graduate anyway?
“Iero.” Came Gerard’s voice from the front of the room. I looked up and he motioned for me to come closer. Nervously, I rose to my feet and crossed the room so I was standing by his desk.
“I’m seeing Mikey on Wednesday.” He murmured softly. I felt relief course through me.
“Right. Good.” I smiled.
“You can come. If you still want to.” He sniffed. I rolled my eyes and leaned in closer to him.
“Of course I want to. I want to meet him, Gee.” I whispered. He smiled softly.
“That’s good. He’ll love you.” He smiled.
“How do you know?” I asked, suddenly anxious. Even though I knew it was stupid, because the guy was literally in a coma, I still really wanted Mikey to like me.
“Who wouldn’t love you?” he said, his voice slightly sad. I didn’t know how to reply, that didn’t involve kissing him, so I didn’t. I just returned to my desk and tried to complete the rest of my work; unsuccessfully, of course. Ironically, I thought I was actually going to need more English classes if I wanted to pass. It wasn’t my best subject anyway, and screwing the teacher certainly wasn’t helping with my concentration levels, funnily enough.

The bell rang and broke me out of my thoughts. I gathered my things and walked slowly to Gerard’s desk while I waited for Cameron to get his stuff together.
“You’re going home to play with your fucktoy.” He murmured. It wasn’t a question, but a resounding statement. I sighed.
“I wish you’d stop calling him that. If it weren’t for him, last weekend wouldn’t have happened.” I whispered back. He said nothing and leaned back in his chair, looking out the window. I almost missed Cameron as he rushed past me out of the door. I gave Gerard an exasperated look before rushing after him.
“Cam!” I called, chasing him. He slowed to a walk, but didn’t stop.
“Who were you with on the weekend?” he asked harshly.
“I-you don’t know him.”
“But he knows me.”
“Not really.”
“You’re lying.” He said. I grabbed his arm and made him stop, and saw that his eyes were red and puffy, like he’d been crying.
“I thought you said we didn’t need to sort anything out yet.” I pleaded, feeling desperation clawing at my chest.
“That was before-“ he said, cutting himself off and dropping his eyes to the floor.
“Before what?” I pleaded. He was silent for a moment. When he finally did speak, his voice was surprisingly strong and steady.
“You’re fucking Mr. Way, aren’t you?”

Notes

Sorry I've been gone for a while, I had family stuff and then I was sick and it was just not great.