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Addiction and Her Name

Say Goodnight

“I’ll only be an hour or two,” I told Gerard over the phone, as I unlocked the front door of the house, phone wedged between my right ear and shoulder in order for me to have the use of both hands.

“Isn’t there anything I can help with?” he wanted to know as I stepped inside the house.

I smiled to myself, because Gerard was worrying too much over nothing. “No, Dana isn’t home.” The house was silent and he was always still stuck at the office at this time.

“Okay, well, let me know if he gets there and I’ll come over.” Gerard told me and I could tell that he was uncomfortable with this whole thing. He didn't want me home, definitely not alone. If it were up to him, he would probably put me in a glass box to keep me safe forever. In this case, he was the glass box meant to keep me safe, but being too fragile to be completely effective if necessity were to call.

“That’s really not necessary,” I assured him, appreciating everything he has done and I knew he would still do for me.

Gerard let out an audible sigh on the other end of the phone call. “I’d feel a lot better if you weren’t alone with him.”

“Gerard, he’s been my husband for more than a year. I’ve been with him for a lot longer. Don’t worry.”

He sighed again. “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

I smiled at the prospect, even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes, later.”

I put my phone and keys on the kitchen counter and headed to the bedroom. My suitcases were pretty soon filled with all my clothes. I used a box to put in everything else like my shoes, accessories and other belongings. It took a little longer than I had expected it to. By the time I had loaded most of my things in the car, it was already a quarter to nine.

I quickly texted Gerard to let him know that I was on my way before walking back to the bedroom to collect the last of my things. I felt sad to be leaving this house. Despite all the bad things that have happened since moving in, it had still been my home for more than two years.

Upon returning to the living room, Dana was just closing the front door. I had actually hoped to be gone before he got home, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it was. He looked at the box in my hands, frowned and then looked up at me.

“Where are you going?” he asked confused.

“I told you that I’m moving out. We’re getting a divorce, remember?”

“What are you talking about?” He seemed completely lost, not at all himself.
“You’re drunk,” I noted. There wasn't time for this. If I stayed, he would soften my heart and Gerard would not see me tonight. I knew him well enough to know that that would break his heart.

I readjusted my grip on the box and made my way towards the front door. Surprisingly, Dana didn't try to stop me. That was true until I stepped outside.

“You can't do this.”

I could hear his footsteps approaching and I quickened my pace.

“Stop!” His voice was a lot louder this time and he suddenly grabbed onto the box in my hands.

“Dana, stop. Let go!” We were both pulling at opposite ends of the box until it tore and everything went crashing to the ground. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted angrily, bending down to pick up my scattered possessions.

He didn’t say a word. From the corner of my eye I noticed him turn and leave, disappearing into the house. Once my things were all in the car, I headed back up the path towards the front door. I wish I could simply leave, but as luck would have it, my cell phone and keys were still in the kitchen. I found Dana on the couch with his head in his hands. Perhaps he wasn’t drunk after all, but something was definitely up with him.

Against my better judgment I asked him what was wrong. “Dana, what is it? Please talk to me.”

“Chalk it up to abandonment issues,” he let me heard cynically.

I hesitated, not moving from my place by the front door.

He sadly looked up at me. “You’re leaving me and Carrie… Well.” He shook his head, getting to his feet. “It’s not fun sleeping with a man who isn’t married anymore. Everybody is leaving me.”

I couldn’t believe it. Why would she leave him? Had it really only been the thrill of the forbidden?

“You don’t have to do this.” He made his way over to me and took a hold of my arms. “We can fix this. Carrie is out of the picture and if you’re willing to let Gerard go, I am too. We’re much more alike than you think.”

It was a tempting offer, but not one I would easily accept after everything that’s happened between us.

“I know things have been hard, but we have a history. This other guy… he’s just a phase, another drug. You can shake him.”

“He’s more than that,” I dared to say. The pounding of my heart was rapidly increasing in pace. This situation could go in any direction. His grip on me tightened.

“He’s nothing,” Dana insisted. “He’s an addict.”

That’s when it dawned on me: the change in personality; the sudden bursts of rage.

“So are you.”

“What?” he hissed.

“You’re an addict too. Here I was feeling guilty because I couldn’t get clean, but you’re the same as me.” He was worse, because he hid his problems from me. He made it all my fault.

“Things were rough and I wasn’t coping so she helped me out.”

“Who… Carrie? She… That’s how you two happened?” Things were slowly starting to make sense.

Dana snorted dismissively. “It was never love and now that my life is falling apart, I’m no longer good enough for her anymore.” He let go of me and paced up and down the length of the room.

“What are you talking about? You have school and your job. You still have your family.”

“And up until a short while ago I still had you. It’s all gone to shit, Katherine. I’m failing school and don’t even get me started on work. I really wish I never would have met you.” The look in his eyes assured me that he meant every word. That was the second time that year that the person I loved expressed such an intense loathing for me. First Gerard, now Dana. Maybe I really was the problem. “You absolutely ruined my life,” he stated. “If I had never met you, I would be at college right now, fooling around without a care in the world, my entire life still ahead of me.”

This conversation had taken a wrong turn. His anger had returned. “I gave you everything,” he seethed in a low voice. “My youth, my happiness and all for nothing. You couldn’t even show me a little appreciation.” He was back in front of me and instantly had a firm grip on my arms. “Instead you’re leaving me for some loser who will never be able to give you more than to rid you of him.”

“Shut up!” It didn’t come out quite as strong and defiant as I had hoped it would.

“I have given you everything!” he shouted. “It still wasn’t enough. I noticed the way you looked at me the other night. Like I would ever hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me now,” I managed to get out. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour. I was practically shaking in fear.

“I have to admit that he’s good for you,” Dana continued, ignoring my plea. “He’s woken something up inside of you. You’re more like the girl I fell in love with all those years ago. You’re stronger and there’s a new fire in your eyes. What makes him so much better than me?”

Dana was more than broken. I never would have guessed that I was actually in a better place than him. I was stronger, still holding it together, but he… He seemed to have given up. That made all of this so much worse.

“Dana, please let me go. This isn’t you. Where’s the guy I fell in love with, the one who left me cute little notes in my locker, remember?” I tried to appease him. “The guy who wants to be goofing around at college right now? If we were back to our old selves, we can work this out. I’ll stay.”

“No!!” he exclaimed, shoving me down on the floor.

The only thing going through my mind in that moment was fear and how I wanted nothing more than to be with Gerard where it was safe. I should have listened to him and never have come here alone. Another thought crossed my mind and I was extremely grateful that Gerard wasn’t there, because Dana would have killed him for sure. At least now it would only be me.

I felt a sharp pain as he dealt a swift kick to my ribs. “Do something! Say anything!”

My mind rewired in a split second. I didn’t want to die. My life had just found meaning again. I had been picking up the pieces and I wasn’t ready to go yet. My hands came up defensively and I waited for the next blow, but it never came. The second that Dana paused gave me enough time to scramble to my feet, but he rushed after me into the kitchen.

There was no chance to call 911, but my hand found a knife on the table as soon as I entered the kitchen and I spun around to face Dana, holding the sharp object out in front of me. “Stay back! Back!” My hand visibly shook, but Dana stopped in his tracks at the sight of the weapon.

“I didn’t want this either,” I managed despite my throat feeling completely constricted. “My life is a mess too. I know we both lost a lot when I lost the baby, but you…” I couldn’t keep the accusatory tone from my voice and I realized I was crying now. “You cheated on me. You lie to me and abuse me.”

“Do you blame me?? I don’t get any love from my wife…”

“No, you left me!” I cried out. My vision was too blurry to see anything and the knife fell from my hand, clattering loudly to the floor. “Finding out about you and Carrie broke my heart. It nearly killed me.”

“You slept with Gerard!” he shot back.

“Not until I told you that it was over.”

There was a deadly silence and I took a moment to wipe my eyes. It allowed me to see that Dana was very nearly red in the face. There was a shift for the worst in his mood.

“That son of a bitch had his hands on you. You’re my wife. I will kill him.”

I let out a strangled cry and ran around to the other side of the table. “You fucking hypocrite!!”

He chased after me and a lot of things were knocked to the floor in the process. We were nearly to the top of the stairs when he caught up to me and we both went tumbling all the way down to the ground. It hurt. I started to scramble, trying to get on my feet or just away from him, but he grabbed onto me once again and we struggled around on the floor. He was too strong for me to fight him off.

“Dana, please…please stop,” I begged, grabbing the nearest object I could get my hands on and hitting him with it. I never thought I would be so grateful for an empty wine bottle until I heard the sound of shattering glass and Dana went still.

A loud scream pierced through the air and I looked up to see Carrie standing in the doorway. She looked horrified and that’s when I looked down and saw the blood on my hand. I had hit Dana in the head with enough force for the empty glass bottle to break and do some serious damage. I was basically falling apart from shaking too much.

“No, Dana… Dana!” I gently slapped at his cheeks, but he wouldn’t open his eyes. He refused to open his eyes. “Wake up dammit!” I yelled in fear and frustration. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening.

I knew I had killed him and burst into uncontrollable tears. Through blurry vision, I fumbled in his pockets, pulling out his phone and calling 911. After I gave them the address I crawled to the bathroom and rummaged around in the cabinet until I found a razor blade. I fell down on the floor next to the bath. I was a murderer. I had murdered my husband. Dana was dead. The cool blade came down on my flesh and dragged across the skin, cutting it. A small drop of blood escaped from the cut. After repeating this action a few times, blood trickled more freely from the cut. I dragged the blade across the place a few more times before I started feeling faint. This life had never been meant for me. I couldn’t take anymore of its abuse. Dana was gone. Everything started to blur and then it all went black.

Notes

Comments

This story is awesome! You write very well with great detail & description. I hope to read an update.

Jackie Jackie
11/8/17

@Helena-laughterlines

Thank you. I will try my best to update as soon as possible!

Rumor...tAdA Rumor...tAdA
2/22/16

I hope you update soon, this makes me happy and I look forward to reading it

@Chemical_30

Thanks!

Rumor...tAdA Rumor...tAdA
4/8/15

Great update as usual! can't wait for more!

Chemical_30 Chemical_30
4/1/15