There comes a time in life when you realize that there is no turning back. That your actions cannot be undone. That when you mess up and make a mistake, you have no choice but to deal with the consequences. It’s called taking responsibility. But what happens when you fuck up so badly that you can’t possibly take responsibility, when what you do not only ruins your own life, but that of others too?

I was drunk beyond all hope or repair. There was no sensible thought left in me. I shouldn’t have been. I had no reason to be. Things were great for once, relatively speaking, and when you ignored my raging alcohol addiction. Kat was finally getting a divorce from her abusive husband and above all, she had picked me. Sort of. I wasn’t sure where we stood at that moment, but in my opinion things were good.

“You are out of control!” It was meant as a compliment. Bert was impressed. “I’m going to miss this.” He and his band were getting on the road the next day to start their tour. It wasn’t going to be anything huge considering they were only starting out, but at least he was doing something good with his life. He was going somewhere. I was stuck in a rut.

“No, you have to go and make us all proud.”

“That we will.” Quinn was there as well. It was like a celebratory farewell party. Apparently Bert had invited Meagan to drop by, but since she was pregnant, she didn’t think it would be a good idea, considering the smoke filled bar.

“Where’s your girl, Gerard?” Bert wanted to know.

All eyes turned to me and waited for my answer. I shrugged. “I don’t know. We haven’t spoken yet today.” I’ve kind of been avoiding her, making my own coffee and skipping on Starbucks. There were some things going on inside my mind that I needed to deal with.

Bert pulled me aside. “What's going on there?”

“Nothing,” I lied. “We don’t have to be stuck together 24/7.”

“I was just asking.” He put his hands up in mock defense. “I guess you’re serious about moving on. Personally, I think it’s better than getting your heart ripped out over and over again.”

He didn’t have to know what was really going on. About her divorce. About us sleeping together…

“I don’t know.” I sighed deeply, ordering another beer. “Let’s not talk about her. Let’s not talk. Cheers.” We raised our mugs and clinked them together.

It must have been another hour before Kat showed up. She looked tired, but relieved to see me.

“There you are. I have been looking for you everywhere.”

“Well, you found me.” I sadly peered into my nearly empty beer mug, wondering where all the contents had disappeared to so quickly.

“You weren’t at the apartment or at our usual bar. That’s when I guessed that you would most likely be here then. Is everything okay?” Her voice seemed to waver on that last question.

Instead of answering her question, I turned to the barman. “Two more beers please.” Once they arrived, I pushed one over to Kat.

“Thanks, I really need this,” she stated, plopping down on the barstool next to me. “It’s been a really long day.”

“Katherine!” Bert had finally noticed her and strolled over to say hello. “I’m pleased to see you here. Our boy has gotten a bit lonely without you.” He was standing closer to her than me and he looked genuinely pleased to see her. He didn’t even know her that well.

“I can tell.” The raven-haired beauty shot me a sideways glance. “Is he alright?” Her question was directed at Bert, because she finally realized that I wasn’t in a talking mood.

The male with the long, greasy hair let out a laugh. “To be completely honest with you, I don’t think he’s ever been alright.”

“Gerard,” Kat began to speak, turning to face me.

“Drink. Be merry.” I cut her short. “It’s fun. Trust me.”

“Fine.” She downed the rest of her beer and moved on to more potent stuff. She was quite obviously pissed off at me now, not that it mattered.

I caught Bert throwing a questioning look my way, but I ignored that too. I wasn’t in the caring mood tonight. The alcohol wasn’t making me feel any better about myself either. If anything, I only felt worse. It was one of those nights again. I guess it was long overdue. Bert apparently decided to move along to the more cheerful part of our company, leaving the two of us to brood on our own.

“I had to see Dana again today,” Kat informed me. “We went to see a lawyer in order to have the divorce papers drawn up.”

I sat frozen. I knew it was necessary, but I didn’t like the idea of her seeing him at all. “Oh.”

“It wasn’t easy, especially not since he was more like the guy I used to know. I don’t understand it. It’s like he has a split personality or something.” She shook her head, frowning deeply. “One minute he’s a nice guy and the next…”

“You don’t have to think about it anymore,” I interrupted her. I didn’t want to hear about what a great guy he was. After all, I didn’t think that there was anything great about him. He was supposed to be out of the picture. Unless she decided to change her mind. I took large gulps of alcohol until my glass was empty. “You get to start a new life now. You should do it right.”

“And what would the right way be?” she asked shortly. “Feel free to share your infinite wisdom with me.” Sarcasm was dripping from her voice.

“I’m sorry.” The guilt finally kicked in. “I’m sorry for being an ass and I’m sorry that you have to go through this.” It was a sincere apology. “It can’t be easy.”

“It could be easier.” Her eyes held blame when they met mine and I felt even more like a dog.

“Can I please have another?” I breathed, tapping my finger on the empty glass in front of me.

*

“I’m here with my car.” Kat was wasted and it was nothing short of a miracle that I was still standing. I didn’t have any more money left and it would have been a long walk home so I got in on the passenger side of her car, waiting for her to start the engine and take us home.

“Gerard, what’s wrong with you?” Kat asked once we were seated in the silence of the car.

“Nothing.” I stared out the window, because I didn’t feel like talking. I had actually hoped that she would be too intoxicated to care about much else than sleeping then she wouldn’t be pestering me with questions.

Of course she had other ideas and she kept pushing for an answer. “You’re not acting like yourself. I don’t know this person.”

“Could you please drop it? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you mad that I was upset about my marriage ending? If you are, you need to get over it, because it’s not exactly something I have any control over.”

My only response was to snort. She had no idea what was going on inside my head. I wasn’t so petty that wouldn’t allow her to be sad about the ending of a large part of her life.

Maybe if I hadn’t been so drunk, I would have been more aware of my surroundings. I might have been more alert. But I wasn’t and all I could recall was the flash of lights before we were parked against a lamp post.

“Gerard?”

“It’s okay. We’re okay.” The accident shocked most of the alcohol from my system or maybe it resulted from the realization that we could have died. “Are you okay?”

Kat sniffed. “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine.”

I pushed the car door open and stumbled out. I heard Kat getting out of the car too. It was a good sign. She was moving. She was okay. I was comforted by that knowledge, but it also allowed me to fully register what had happened.

“Fuck!” I screamed into the night. Passing cars slowed down, curious to see what was going on, but no one stopped. Of course, no one wanted to get involved.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I stomped around the road. “Stupid! Irresponsible! Reckless!” I growled out angrily, kicking at the road, over to the sidewalk where I finally kicked a trash can out of frustration and anger. “Why don’t we get in a car and drive? It’s not like we can’t fucking see straight!” I kicked the trash can again, ignoring the pain that came with it.

“Gerard, it’s okay.” Kat quietly spoke up behind me.

“No, it’s not okay!” I exclaimed loudly. The sound rang out and I took care to lower my voice when I spoke again. “It’s so not fucking okay.” I paced around furiously. “Do you realize what we just did?” I demanded from her. “One of my best friends died because some drunk couldn’t keep his car on the road and now this? We’re no better than that murderer.” I seethed. “It doesn’t matter that we didn’t hit anyone. We were lucky. We never should have gotten in that car. Not in our current conditions.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault!” I snapped at her again. The thoughts that have been haunting me all day were about to make their appearance, because there would be no better time. “The last few days have been a series of bad choices from my end. It’s like I’m hell bent on destroying myself. First I have unprotected sex with you and now this.” I dragged a hand through my hair, holding my head in distress.

“What?” Kat wondered barely above a whisper.

“The other night,” I stated, because I didn’t need to explain what I was talking about. “I didn’t wear a condom. How fucking stupid can I be? I can’t even use alcohol as an excuse, because I didn’t have that much to drink.” I could have cried just at the thought of my idiocy. “Look at us! We can’t be parents.”

“Gee…”

“You know me. I’m a mess.” I tapped my chest with my hands in emphasis. “I’m in no place to have to take care of a kid. I would mess him up badly, but I can’t very well just walk away, especially not after the speech I had given Bert.”

“Gerard.”

“So fucking stupid.” I held my head in my hands, shaking it in dismay. “I couldn’t keep it in my pants for five more seconds. That’s what you get. You should have known better too!” I told her accusingly. This wasn’t my mess alone.

“Gerard, stop talking!” Kat practically yelled at me and my mouth shut. I stared at her, waiting for her to say something that would make me feel better. How was she going to justify this? She always covered for all the bad things the people in her life did. This was one situation she couldn’t talk herself out of easily, though.

“I’m not pregnant,” she stated simply.

That was it? “You can’t know that! We have to buy a test to be sure. Tomorrow…”

“Gerard, I swear…” She grabbed my shoulders to stop my pacing. My mind was in a frenzy, it had been all day, thinking of what would happen if it turned out that she had become pregnant. It was the worst possible thing that could happen at that point in time. “I promise you that I’m not pregnant.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’m on birth control.” It was the simplest response and it made perfect sense. That was why she hadn’t said anything then and why she wasn’t worried about it now. “I’ve been on birth control ever since Dana and I reconciled.”

“Oh.” The relief was immense to the point where “oh” was all I could manage to get out. An entire day of distress had been for nothing. I had been breaking my head over it for no reason. She wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t about to screw up a child’s life. The amount of alcohol I had consumed during the last ten hours… wow.

Kat’s chuckle interrupted my thoughts. “Do you honestly think I’m that stupid? After everything I told you about my past? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… No, I’m not pregnant.” She looked at me reassuringly and only now did I feel myself relax. “Unbelievable, but I’m glad to know that there is a good explanation for why you’ve been acting like a dick all night.” She looked around, at the crashed car, at the curious bystanders. “You’re a masochist, you know that? Why else would you always conjure up these absurd thoughts with which you torture yourself?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed, exhausted from all the emotions that have been plaguing me all day and the sudden relief that just flooded me. I stepped closer to Kat and inspected her appearance. “You’re hurt.” There was a cut on her forehead. “We need to get you to a hospital. You might have a concussion.”

She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“You have two massive jerks in your life and you just can’t seem to get rid of them,” I attempted to joke, but failed to add any humor to my voice. “I’m sorry. You needed my support today and I wasn’t there for you. It can’t be easy and no, I’m not mad because you’re upset about the divorce. As much as I hate to say this, you still love Dana, despite everything that’s happened and that’s why you’re sad. I get that. I don’t like it, but I understand. At least I’m trying to.” I admitted sheepishly. “And I’m sorry I let things go too far last night. You weren’t ready and I should have known that.”

“No, don’t apologize for that, please. I was ready for it. I just wasn’t ready for the way I felt afterwards.”

“Guilty.”

She nodded. “Maybe it was too soon, I don’t know, but it was right and I wouldn’t change it for the world,” she said, hugging me. “Thank you for being so very understanding about all of this. It can’t be easy.”

It felt strange to be hugging her like this, but good strange. There was nothing holding us back anymore. There was nothing holding me back. There had always been this fear that I might overstep some boundary whenever there had been any physical contact between us. I always had to worry about how she would react or even about how I would react. Not anymore. We finally trusted each other, no holds barred. All the walls were down and all the fear that had separated us from each other was gone. I will never leave and neither will she.

Kat stepped back and gave me her wallet. “Here, take this.”

I looked down at it, confused. “Why?”

“Because I need someone to come bail me out.”

Only now did I become aware of the flashing blue lights approaching. “I’m not leaving you.”

“This isn’t a discussion. I will see you later.” She briefly kissed my lips before walking back towards the car wreck.

I snuck away and watched from a nearby alleyway as the cops inspected the accident site and questioned Kat before taking her away. After that, everyone on the street continued about their business like none of it had ever happened. Now all that was left for me to do was wait for Kat to call and tell me where she was in order for me to get her out.

Notes