Addiction and Her Name

I woke up all alone in a quiet apartment. Not even the clock on the kitchen wall was ticking anymore. Its battery died around three if you could believe the time it showed. Kat was gone. I looked everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found. She wasn’t in bed and she wasn’t in the shower either. Aside from those places there was nowhere else she could be.

“Figures. That’s what you get for getting your hopes up,” I muttered to myself, walking around the apartment and throwing empty alcohol and fast food containers into a black trash bag. I only really took care of the area around the couch before dropping the bag right there on the floor.

Since I didn’t have anything else to do, I decided to take a shower. I couldn’t recall the last time I had had one. It was definitely long overdue. My black hair was an oily, tangled mess. Even after the wash, it was difficult to get a brush through them. I almost looked okay after taking a shower and putting on some relatively clean clothes. I think I had only worn them twice since their last wash. They had to suffice as everything else was pretty much rotten.

There was the sound of a key in the door and then Kat came through the door, looking surprised to see me up. “Oh, hi. I thought I would get back before you woke up.”

“No, I’m up. I’m up.” I cleared my throat. The conversation seemed strained. At least that was what it felt like from my side.

“I ran down to the nearest Starbucks and got us some coffee and a couple of those chocolate chip muffins you like.” She walked into the apartment and put the aforementioned items down on the kitchen counter.

My eyes followed her all the way to where she started moving things around on the little table to the side where all my drawings were scattered.

“You shouldn’t have.” She really shouldn’t have, because she shouldn’t have come back after leaving. After what she had done the night before, kissing me, I really shouldn’t be seeing her ever again.

“It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done for me, especially after you let me steal your bed last night. Here.” She tossed me a muffin. “Sorry about that.”

I fiddled with the wrapping and walked over to the counter where I put the muffin back down. “Kat.”

“Yes?” She looked at me expectantly.

“Why did you come here last night?” It was the first question that made its way out. There were a million more that were trying to fight their way out of me. I didn’t understand why that was the first one that came to mind. Perhaps I needed some semblance of emotion, that she had some kind of feelings towards me, in order to squash this feeling that I was only good enough when she needed me.

She lowered the cup of coffee which had been halfway to her lips and now she was looking at me confused. “What do you mean? I knew you would be here instead of out with your friends as I suggested, because I know how you deal with these situations.”

“You understand that we have a situation then.”

She put her coffee down. “Is something wrong, Gerard?”

I leaned back against the counter for a split second before walking around to the other side of it. “We’ve had this conversation before. I’m not doing it again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you chose to come here, that you consider me to be your safe place, but what you’re doing is cruel. You said it yourself, the situation is… we have a situation.” My hands found a place to rest on the counter top. “You know how I feel about you, but you completely disregard my feelings in everything you do.” I started to walk around, feeling restless, for lack of a better word. “Why else would you ask me if I was okay with you going with him? You know very well that I’m not. You always come to me when you’re having problems with your husband. And then last night you kissed me like it was the most natural thing on earth.” I stopped pacing and looked her dead in the eyes. I was nervous about her response, but there was something that I needed to know. “Do you? Care?” I swallowed, because maybe that wasn’t the right question to ask. I needed to know the answer regardless of what it was. “At all?”

“What kind of question is that?”

That was not a real answer and I shook my head in disappointment. “You’re using me, but I can’t be your crutch anymore. I won’t be. I have to think of myself for once.” I left the apartment, shutting the door behind me and walking down the hallway, finally sitting down halfway down the stairs. Hopefully she would leave soon enough and then maybe this will all be over.

I surprised myself by saying all those things and walking out. I honestly didn’t think I had it in me. It was good. It was necessary. For me. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Kat suddenly sat down next to me on the stairs. The space was somewhat limited on the way down and we sat shoulder to shoulder, slightly crammed between the walls.

“The party sucked.”

I shifted in place.

“I didn’t want to go. I had plans with you after all.” She began to tell me. “He flirted with her right in front of me. He didn’t even care.” Her voice cracked at the end.

As always, the man had my blood boiling in my veins. He wasn’t even there. If I ever had the opportunity to deck the guy, I totally would, because he was a real son of a bitch. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t see that. Why the hell was she still with him? But I refused to relive that conversation.

“We had this huge fight. It was horrible.” She sighed deeply at that.

“Why are you telling me all this?” I wanted to know.

“Because,” she said, reaching out to take my hand. “I do care. Nothing of what happened last night matters. I didn’t come here because of that. I came here because I wanted to be with you. That is why I kissed you.”

“So you remember.” I watched her lace her fingers with mine.

“Of course I do.” Her eyes smoldered as she said this and it almost made me forget my resolve, but I caught myself in time. The close contact between our bodies weren’t helping either and I jumped up, barely keeping myself up on the steps in my hurry.

“Don’t do that!”

Kat looked up at me in bewilderment.

“You look at me with those big doe eyes and they are so damn beautiful.” I was frustrated. With her. With myself. With this whole messed up situation. I had all these warring emotions inside of me. Do I tell her to go to hell or just keep doing what I’m doing? “And you care?” I wasn’t faking the derision that came with that question. “What you’re doing is manipulating me all over again. The same way you always do.” My tone had turned accusatory.

“You misjudge me.”

“Is that so?” I asked indignantly.

“Who was there for you when you drank yourself right into the hospital? I don’t recall your friends dropping by. Ray and Mikey were there, but their ulterior motives forced you to practically escape from the hospital. Who found you after you disappeared and then dragged your drunken ass all the way back to your apartment? Who defended you every single time someone attacked you? Me! I stuck by you through everything!” I wasn’t sure whether or not she was upset with me. On the one hand it seemed like it, which would have been fair, but on the other hand, it looked more like she was trying to convince me to take her side, begging me to see things from her point of view. “I tried so damn hard to save my marriage, but every time you hit a bump in the road, I came running. I put your interests above that of my marriage.”

I huffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” As far as I was concerned, ever since she and Dana had attempted to fix things, she had left me behind every time.

“The night of your birthday I picked you up from the bar and took care of you. That night had been the final breaking point in my marriage. Why wouldn’t it be? I had snuck out in the middle of the night while my husband was in bed in order to be with another man.” She shook her head at her own actions, as if thinking back on it, the thought appeared to be insane. “I should have known back then, the way I should have known from my reaction when you told me you loved me. I was upset because I was terribly afraid of losing you.”

Her attempt to soften my heart was working better than I wanted it to. In her own messed up way she was proving to me that she did in fact care despite my doubts.

“What happened last night?” My head needed to be tested, because yet again, I was asking the wrong question. What did it matter what had happened the night before? It had absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Kat was surprised by my question as much as I was. I sat back down next to her, having calmed down considerably. I waited patiently for her to tell me the full story.

“Nothing,” she answered too quickly, piquing my interest.

I threw a look of skepticism her way. “Kat, I know you. I could see that something upset you last night the second you appeared at my door. Tell me what happened.”

She breathed deeply, fidgeting with the bow on her dress. “Okay, to tell you the truth, it was a disaster right from the start, with me not really wanting to go and him actually wanting to be there with someone else instead, which sort of ended up being the case.”

I didn’t understand what she was saying. “What do you mean?” The deep frown creasing my forehead was a clear sign of my confusion.

“He spent most of the night with his mistress to the point where his own parents were embarrassed. I already told you how he shamelessly flirted with her in front of everyone. I’m not exactly sure why I was there.”

I bristled with anger, fuming all over again, but this time my anger was directed at Dana instead of at Kat which was a huge relief if I had to be completely honest.

“And then later, while we were dancing, he tried to kiss me.”

Suddenly my insides froze over. I always knew, or at the very least assumed, considering their relationship, that they were intimate, but having her state the obvious was like having a bucket of ice poured over me.

“I pushed him away immediately.”

My eyes grew wide at this, because I couldn’t imagine that he would have taken her actions very well.

“We had an argument and I ran off, but he caught up to me and…” She was practically shaking next to me. “A lot of things were said and things got heated. That’s when I left.” She finished shortly.

What she said bothered me, because there was something she wasn’t telling me. “Kat.” My left hand came up under her chin in order to force her to look at me. This was important. “Did he hurt you?”

“It wasn’t that bad,” she stuttered out. “I’m fine.”

“Did he hurt you?” I reiterated.

“No!” she exclaimed now, pulling away from me. “It’s not like he hit me or anything.”

“Kat,” I spoke, my voice ominously low. “Has Dana hit you before?”

My eyes caught the movement of her throat as she swallowed hard. However, no word escaped her.

I clenched my fists tightly. “I swear I will kill him.” It was a deadly calm vow.

“Gerard, no, don’t do this!” Kat jumped up to catch my arm and stop me in my tracks.

I ripped my arm from her grip. “What kind of a man lays his hands on a woman?? What kind of a husband lays his hands on his wife??? If he ever touches you again…” I demanded, seething, pretty much seeing only red.

“He won’t,” Kat assured me, her voice desperate. She was scared. “He would never hurt me like that.”

“He already has!” I said and she looked away. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, knowing that I had crossed the line even though it was nothing but the truth. “I don’t want you to be with him anymore. I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

Her deep blue eyes looked at me in shock, clearly not having expected that at all.

“The thought of you with him… it drives me crazy,” I admitted. “Even before I knew all of this.” I could imagine my eyes being wild with emotions at this moment. “I know this is a lot to ask, but please…” I was facing her completely now, maintaining eye contact with her. “Get a divorce from him. Neither one of you is happy and you both have someone else you would rather be with. Life could be much simpler. You know I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I can make you happy,” I pleaded with her. “I know you’re afraid, but…”

“I’ll do it,” she told me quietly.

*

Kat’s POV

I walked into the house to find Dana wiping the kitchen counter clean. He jumped when he saw me.

“I didn’t expect you home so soon.”

“I didn’t come home last night,” I pointed out as if he had somehow missed that fact.

He sniffed and nodded, turning away. “I know. Are you staying or heading out?”

I walked deeper into the room until I was opposite him with the counter between us. Maybe on some subconscious level it was a way for me to ensure that he didn’t get his hands on me again. It was awful that this was what our relationship had been reduced to. I was afraid of him. I knew that I shouldn’t be. I had no reason to be afraid of Dana. It’s not like he was a violent person by nature. Aside from the three times he has lashed out at me.

“I’m glad you’re home. I actually came here to talk to you.” I told him, pulling the hand cloth closer and folding it.

Dana looked at me, the previously guilty expression gone from his face. Now he showed nothing but interest in what I had to say.

“I meant what I said last night. Our relationship is over and I think we should get a divorce. I want a divorce.” There. It was out now and there was no taking it back. Now it was his turn to say something.

For a moment it looked like he didn’t understand a word I was saying, until realization dawned, but his reaction was nothing like I had expected.

“I get it. For better or for worse until the next guy comes along,” he said, walking around the counter to stand next to me.

“What?” My confusion was genuine.

Dana looked down at me seriously and wasted no time in answering my question. “You’re leaving me for Gerard Way.”

That came out of nowhere. How the hell did he even know about Gerard? I never mentioned him, not once. Gerard wouldn’t have spoken to him either. It made no sense. I couldn’t pinpoint whether I was more puzzled by the revelation of his knowledge of Gerard or whether I was more panicked by it.

“How do you…”

“Come on!” He exclaimed, taking a step back from me, although it did nothing to help me relax. My heart was beating at a mile per minute, because things could go south at any minute. In fact, they already had. “Give me a little credit. I’m not stupid.”

I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t get myself to form any words and simply stood there, waiting for him to continue.

“Is he that guy who was at Starbucks yesterday? The two of you looked awfully cozy.”

“Dana…” I managed, but he didn’t give me much chance to speak and cut me short almost immediately.

“You’re trying to make me feel bad about being with Carrie while you’ve been with this guy for who knows how long. At least now I know where you sneak off to on your little midnight excursions or where you disappear to when we don’t see eye to eye. It’s a little hypocritical don’t you think?” His feelings on the subject weren’t very clear. Yes, he was using Gerard against me now, but he didn’t show signs of anger or hurt or anything really. It unsettled me even more than I had already been.

“Don’t worry, Babe. Your secret’s safe with me,” he winked and pinched my cheek before turning away from me. “I’ll give you your divorce, but…” He paused and turned back to face me. “You’re not getting anything else from me. I hope your new boyfriend has a decent job, because I seriously doubt that you’ll survive on tips from work.”

I hadn’t thought about that, about everything that getting a divorce meant and he was right, I’ll have a hard time staying afloat. I would need to get a new place and pay rent. I didn’t earn much of a salary and then there were my other needs to think about as well… Gerard barely made enough money to keep himself alive. There was no way I could expect him to take care of me too. No, I couldn’t back out of my decision now. We’ll figure it out. Gerard and I will be fine. We’ll manage, together.

“I’ll have the papers drawn up,” Dana stated simply. “Good thing we don’t have need for a custody battle.” The disdain with which he said it caused something in me to break.

“What happened to you? When and why did you become such an awful person?”

“That my dear is something I don’t have to explain to you anymore, because we’re over now, remember?”

I shook my head. He turned out to be a real disappointment. “And you think I’m a train -wreck.” I mumbled to myself. “At least tell me how you know about Gerard.”

“He’s your emergency contact at the hospital. I was there the other day and since we share a file, I saw his name.”

“Oh.” With everything that has happened lately, it was true that I had changed my emergency contact at the hospital. Gerard would be the better person to arrive at the hospital if I needed to get my stomach pumped or something like that. He would support me unconditionally while Dana would only pass judgment. I completely forgot about Dana possibly finding out, but he never went to the hospital so it didn’t seem necessary to think that far. I never actually expected him to find out that way. I had never expected him to find out at all.

Dana looked at me expectantly and I realized that he was waiting for me to leave which I did right after changing and grabbing an overnight bag. The conversation had turned out a lot different than I had expected. Dana agreed too easily and then there was the fact that he knew about Gerard. For a moment I felt guilty about it, like I had somehow betrayed him. I had to remind myself that I had never done anything wrong. Nothing ever happened between Gerard and me. I kept my side clean. The only thing I ever did wrong was to keep him a secret and of course everything that had happened since I had left the party the night before – kissing Gerard and all but declaring my love for him.

None of that mattered anymore though, because I was free and it felt strange, but good. It was liberating, because for a change I didn’t have worry about what Dana would think, or wonder what he was up to. It was all about me now.

*

I burst into Gerard’s apartment barely half an hour later. He looked up from the sketch he was working on and I could see it in his eyes. Hope. I walked over to him and took a hold of his upper arms to pull him into a standing position.

“Are you okay?” he looked at me worriedly, most likely due to my strange actions. “Did…”

“I’m fine,” I assured him in a breath before kissing him and for a few seconds he let me, but I guess reality kicked in and he gently pushed me away.

“Whoa, stop. What are you doing?” His hazel eyes searched my face for an answer and he waited, waited for me to say something, anything to explain myself.

“I told Dana that I wanted a divorce and it went as well as can be expected. I didn’t even get to tell him the part about us both being happier after it, but I feel it. It’s true, Gerard.”

“Yeah, but this? Are you sure?” His eyes didn’t leave mine once, the same way they haven’t all day long. He was trying to see into my soul and in that moment I hoped that he did, because then we wouldn’t have to waste time talking about what was going on in there. Everything would be explained with a short glimpse. Of course he couldn’t. “You said that you didn’t want to be anything like him,” he clarified, still waiting for a response.

I stepped back from him and for a split second anger tried to take over. “I’m nothing like Dana. I never will be. I loved him, but he didn’t care. If he did, he never would have treated me the way he did and he never would have cheated on me with Carrie. You were right about everything,” I admitted. “I should have left him a long time ago, but I convinced myself that I needed him, but looking back now, I would have been better off without him. I thought that he was the one.” I laughed sardonically. “It’s bullshit. There’s no such thing. I played it over and over in my mind on my way here and I think I figured it out.” I talked excitedly, using my hands as I did so, as if to emphasize what I was saying. “I know you’ve already convinced yourself that you’re not the right guy for me.”

He looked shocked that I would know something like that since he had never said anything. Welcome to my world. He didn’t realize that by now I knew him that well. I understood how his mind worked.

“And maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not the right guy for me, but who the hell cares?” I was smiling now and I had no idea why. “It’s not about meeting the right guy. It’s about meeting the good guy. You’re not the right guy for me, but you’re good to me and that’s all that matters.” My body was pressed up against his again.

“Kat…”

“Dana already thinks I’m cheating on him. I might as well earn the title. Besides, I don’t care what he thinks anymore. I told you this morning, it’s about you now.”

Gerard’s eyes were closed now and our foreheads were pressed together. “I’m not doing this just because you think it’s what I want,” he breathed out.

“I’m not. I’m telling you that I want this too.”

His eyes shot open and I swear we’ve never been this close to each other before. The intensity with which he looked at me already had my heart racing and the hairs in the back of my neck raising.

No further words were necessary once our lips reconnected and this time neither one of us was stopping. Gerard’s arms circled around me, pulling me closer to him, our bodies fitting together like two puzzle pieces. This movement alone caused a little moan to sound in the back of my throat. My own hands came up to cup his face before moving further up into his hair.

This all escalated very quickly. If someone had told me that morning that I would be getting a divorce from my husband and sleeping with another man by the end of the day, I would have laughed at them. The idea would have been absurd and yet there I was, exactly in that precise position. Chances were that I was making brash decisions, letting everything happen too quickly, but my heart didn’t operate the same way my head did and my heart was telling me that this was right. Sometimes the heart knew best what we needed.

Goosebumps appeared all over my body when Gerard’s hands slipped under my shirt and came to rest on the bare flesh of my waist. His thumbs briefly dipped down under the waistband of my jeans, lightly moving along the skin there. He had to pull them back when I took off his shirt, tossing it aside. They returned to my lower back and he guided me towards the bedroom.

Before I knew it, he was fumbling with the front of my jeans and then both the button and the zipper were undone. I helped him remove them and when I lay down on the bed, he followed me, his lips clearly fearing a separation from mine. My fingers trailed up the smooth skin of his back and I could feel his own goosebumps under them. One finally came to rest on the arm supporting his weight, while the other found a place, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

His lips kissed a line from my lips, down to my jaw and down my neck until they reached the obstruction my shirt presented. He made quick work of removing the obstacle and we were finally skin against skin. This caused a considerable rise in temperature and my insides turned pleasantly.

The one good thing about how things were happening was that we were both sober, relatively speaking. This wasn’t alcohol induced lust. Gerard broke the kiss and looked down at me for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only a few seconds. His eyes conveyed every emotion he was feeling and he loved me. He loved me regardless of the way I’ve treated him and regardless of all the bad shit that came with that. It didn’t matter that I was a fuck up. I was his fuck up.

I helped him get rid of his pants. He touched every inch of my body and his lips placed kisses all over my chest, down until he kissed my left hipbone. I pulled his face back up to my own and kissed him deeply, fervently. I wanted this to last. His hands glided up my arms before moving down again along with my bra straps. I could feel him straining against his briefs against my thigh. He planted a few more kisses down the middle of my breasts, quickly removing my bra and getting rid of his last piece of clothing.

That was when my heart started beating uncontrollably. My breaths were already coming out short and raspy. I could feel him slowly slide my black hipster down my legs. Now there was nothing left to hide us from one another and he was beautiful. That was the last coherent thought I had before his hands moved back up my body, briefly cupping my breasts and then one slipped beneath me and around my back, holding me close to him. I caught a glimmer in his eyes right before he pushed inside of me. A long breath escaped my lips as he did so, my head practically buried back in the pillow. I tightly grabbed onto his shoulders as he kept pushing deeper inside of me. His lips touched the dip at the bottom of my throat and I couldn’t take it anymore, forcing our lips back together. Our bodies moved together and I could have sworn at one point I felt Gerard smirk against my lips, but my mind was all over the place.

Our breathing was ragged and our bodies hot, every part covered in sweat. He said something I couldn’t quite catch and dropped his head down on my shoulder. He increased his pace and I could soon feel his body go rigid, but he kept moving, the muscles in his back shifting beneath my fingertips until I felt the buildup in my own body. My mind and body went completely numb after that and Gerard relaxed on top of me, gasping for air. I stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head, regaining my own breath or rather my senses while my entire body still tingled from the sensation of climaxing.

Gerard shifted, lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms and for the first time in a very long time I felt serene and safe. He brought one of my hands up to his lips and kissed it tenderly. He let out a content sigh and shut his eyes.

When I reached out to turn off the bedside lamp, my eyes landed on my wedding ring. My stomach dropped at the sight and at the reminder of everything that had happened that day. My marriage was over, the one thing that had been for the longest time meant everything to me. It was over, having died a slow and painful death. My vision blurred with tears. I couldn’t help myself.

“Hey,” Gerard whispered. “What’s the matter?” He shifted behind me, supporting himself on one elbow and looking at me with concern etched on his beautiful face.

“I’m sorry. I’m ruining everything when it was all so perfect.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop crying.

He cupped one side of my face. “You’re sad about your marriage.”

“I shouldn’t be. This isn’t about Dana. I just…”

“Shh. It will be okay.” Gerard kissed my forehead.

I burrowed closer to him, still crying and allowing him to hold me tightly. I just needed a little time to mourn my loss. After all the time I had spent fighting to save it, letting it go now was just too much.

Notes

*Sneaks in shamefully*
I know I'm awful for making you wait so damn long for this chapter, but (insert millions of excuses here).
In an attempt to make up for it, this chapter is extra long and extra juicy.
xoxo