Addiction and Her Name

Funerals were the worst. For days after a person died you had to worry about getting things in order for the funeral. During that time everyone constantly expressed their condolences which only served as a reminder of the loss you suffered. They meant well, yes, but at the end of the day they only ended up scratching at the raw wounds.

Who cared about what flowers they had at the funeral? Who gave a shit about the food at the wake? None of that mattered. A loved one was dead and nothing you did could change that. It’s been three days since Shawn’s death and the funeral had just ended. Actually, it had ended a couple of hours ago, but after the longest day in my life to date, I was finally back in my apartment. It was peaceful and I found comfort in that.

The rest of the guys were dealing with their loss the same way they always dealt with their problems. After the funeral they headed straight to the bar. Surprise, surprise. I had joined them for a little while, but I needed to be on my own. Fortunately Mikey had to be at work that day. Besides, it wasn’t like he had ever met Shawn. On the down side, Kat didn’t have to be at work and she was there, clucking around me.

I barely took any notice of the girl cleaning up along the surfaces and bringing me a cup of steaming hot coffee. That was until she sat down next to me on the couch and waited patiently for me to say something. She’s barely left my side since we received the news of his passing.
Since Shawn didn’t have any family, the funeral fell on my shoulders, mine and his girlfriend, Stacy’s. My heart went out to her. His death hit her hard. She’d locked herself in her room and cried for hours after we left the hospital. I had offered to take care of the funeral arrangements on my own, but she had insisted on helping.

“Life is so unfair,” I murmured quietly. “Shawn didn’t deserve this. He was such a great person. He was always happy and cheery.”

“He was?” I was relieved that she didn’t tell me that he was in a better place or that he was still with me, because it was a bullshit line that never made anyone feel any better.

“Yes. He didn’t have to die now. He was only twenty one years old and he was one of my best friends!” Kat reached forward and hugged me. I barely even noticed. I just kept staring ahead of me.

“He was the one person who could always make you feel better no matter what. He could understand me when no one else even tried.”

“I’m sorry, Gee.”She sounded sad too.

“Ray always prophesied that my friends would start dying, but the irony is that Shawn died sober. He wasn’t even that much into drinking. Yes, he hung out with us night after night, but he didn’t pass out every night. He was only there to hang out with his friends and have fun with them. He would be the life of the party, cheering us on and laughing at us,” I finished with a sigh. “I’ll miss him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with missing him. I’m sure he’ll miss you too.”

I sighed tiredly, pulling away from her and leaning back.

“You’ll feel better once you’ve eaten something. I’ll make you dinner.” Kat jumped to her feet and made her way to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards once she got there. I felt bad for her, because she was trying to be there for me, but I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it. She was most likely looking for something to do in order to make things more bearable for both of us.

“That’s not necessary. You should go home.” I meant it. The truth was that I wanted her to leave.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she stated firmly, not inviting any disagreement. “I’m not leaving you alone right now.”

I watched her working, pulling out groceries Mikey had brought by a day or two ago and starting to prepare dinner. She caught me staring and offered me a small sincere smile and in that moment I hated her. Ever since I met her my life has been going downhill and now this. I’ve given her everything. I’ve put my own feelings aside in trying to keep her together and in the end, I was the one who lost. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in everything concerning her, I would’ve spent more time with my friends. I would’ve seen Shawn before… before some drunk bastard hit him with his car.

“What are you thinking?”

I hadn’t even noticed her approaching me. How was I going to tell her the truth? I simply would. “I was thinking how much I hate you, because ever since I met you… You’ve ruined my life, you know?”

She looked completely bewildered. Clearly she hadn’t expected that response. It was the first time I’ve ever done anything deliberate to hurt her, although that wasn’t even my intention. I simply needed to get it off of my chest.

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking away from her. “But that’s how I feel. Before this whole thing, Shawn dying, I thought I could still do this. I would get over you, we’d be friends, but now… I don’t feel like any of that anymore. All of this…” I motioned between us. “I need to get my own fucking life!”

“Gee…”

I interrupted her before she could really say anything. “You’re married, I know. I get that, but then you have to understand that I can’t wait forever. I won’t.” It was time for me to move on. Shit happened. People died. There was no telling when it would happen again. I had to live for myself until that time came. There was no point in living my life for someone who didn’t appreciate it or who didn’t reciprocate my feelings.

Kat sat down next to me on the couch before saying what was on her mind. “I understand. Things between me and Dana haven’t been right for a long time, though. He’s… Carrie is still a part of his life.”

“Are you going to divorce him?”

“I can’t, because… like you I’m afraid of being alone.”

“You’ll have me,” I said, turning my head to the side and looking at her sincerely. She didn’t say anything and it infuriated me. “When have I ever given you the idea that I won’t be there for you?”

Kat looked down at her hands in regret. “I need him, Gerard.”

I felt like screaming in frustration. This was going nowhere, as usual. “You need him and I need alcohol,” I said, standing up and crossing the floor to the kitchen where a bottle of whiskey was waiting for me on the counter. “I guess we’re both happy then.”

“Oh, don’t do that, Gerard!”

“Do what?” I snapped in response, having taken a large gulp of the liquor.

“Avoid the problem.” She was on her feet and also angry now.

“The problem is that I’m in love with you!” I shouted, slamming the bottle down on the counter with such force that it fell over and shattered on the floor. “And I know you care about me too. Maybe you don’t love me like I love you, yet, but you care about me more than you should and that scares the hell out of you.” The stunned expression on her face told me that I was spot on. “That’s why you’re always pushing me away, but it’s not fair. I’ve been patient. I’ve waited. I’ve neglected the people closest to me, alienated my friends. I’m worse than I’ve ever been. I quit my job. Ray practically hates me even though he’ll never admit it. Mikey will always be there, but I’ve done irreparable damage to our relationship. My parents… Everything has gone to shit since I met you, because I always had to be there for you. You needed me. I can’t even remember the last time I saw Shawn.” All the anger inside of me finally escaped through those words. I was finally telling her the truth about how I felt. “And you know what the worst part is? I can’t even blame you, because every one of those decisions was mine!” My breathing was erratic and all my muscles were tight. “You’re ruining my life. You are ruining me and I won’t let you.”

“But that’s the real problem, isn’t it? You can’t let me go.”

I shook my head tiredly. “I can’t.”

A long silence followed that confession. There was absolutely no sound in the entire apartment. Inside, I was also silent. It was eerie. We just stood there looking at each other. Her hair was growing longer and framed her face as she bravely met my gaze. She was so damn beautiful.

“I’m sorry, Gerard. I know how you feel about me, but I can’t… I won’t start something with you. I respect myself too much to do that. I have too much respect for you and for Dana to do that. I refuse to be like him.” She was staring at the floor and practically shaking, but I wasn’t sure why, whether it was anger, humiliation or misery.

I understand that,” I said in aggravation. “What I don’t understand is why you insist on staying with him… why you insist on being…sad.”

Her head shot up and she stared at me wide-eyed. The resentment was clear in her eyes.

“When I met you, you were this empty shell of a person aside from a tiny spark inside that was fighting to stay alive. With time you allowed yourself to smile and maybe even laughed once or twice. Then you and Dana decided to work things out.” His name felt like a curse rolling over my lips. “You were almost happy, but then he…” I decided not to tell her that I thought her husband was a piece of shit that never deserved her in the first place. After all, I didn’t know him and simply formed an opinion from what I heard from her. “You fell apart and it wasn’t just like that. It was a slow and painful process. Turning to pills and alcohol and the breakdowns. I was there through all of that. You don’t know what that feels like.” I was upset.

“I imagine it feels the same as me watching you spiral too.”

“No, it doesn’t, because you weren’t there!” My tone had turned accusatory. “You were stuck in the little Dana-and-Katherine bubble, but every day I was there… I could see every change in you, the good and the bad.” She didn’t say anything. She just stood there looking pained by my words. Good. She needed to hear it. “That’s why I don’t get it. You can choose to end this at any moment. You don’t have to deal with his infidelity. You shouldn’t have to. You don’t deserve the emotional attacks.”

“What do you know about that?” she asked sharply.

I hadn’t been sure. “Nothing, but I can see it in your eyes. Clearly you still love him, but you told me five minutes ago that you’ve given up on your relationship. Considering the way he’s treating you, I doubt if he still loves you so what’s the point???”

I waited for her to tell me that I didn’t know her and then storm off like she usually did, like she’d done so many times before. She didn’t, because yes, maybe all of those other times she was right and I didn’t know her, but this time it was different. The fact of the matter was that I did know her. It probably scared the hell out of her too, because it meant that she finally let someone in. I knew her. She had something to lose.

“I can’t.” She whispered, looking down at the ground again. My jaw clenched. How could one person be so fucking stubborn? I wished she would look at me.

“Please can we not fight about this,” she begged me. What have we been doing this entire time? “You’re probably the most important person in my life right now and I don’t want to lose you.”

Everything in me wanted to scream and shout and I wanted to slam my fists against the wall, but none of that would help, because no matter how many times I’ve told her that I wasn’t going to leave her, she still didn’t believe me.

“I haven’t left you yet.” It was a simple, quiet statement.

Kat stepped forward and took my hand in hers, lacing our fingers and the look she gave me assured me that she understood what I meant.

Notes