Addiction and Her Name

It was a perfect night. Perfect for dancing in the park. The moon was nearly full and illuminated everything. On some level it was eerie, casting shadows all along the ground. A light breeze stirred through the trees every now and again. Around and around we went.

“Gerard, you’re going too fast!” Kat laughed from the pit of her stomach. “Stop! I’m going to fall.”

I couldn’t remember how we even got to the park. We had been drinking at the bar and then sauntering down some street and then… We were walking through the park and Kat was awed by how beautiful it apparently looked. That’s when we stopped and then at some point she grabbed my hands and started to dance. She really had a thing for dancing.

My own laughter rang clear through the evening air. It wasn’t a big park, but somehow it managed to block out a lot of the noise of the city or maybe we had sauntered off a long way from the loud parts, but I couldn’t believe that.

“You’re loving it.” I slowed down and pulled her a little closer to me, loving the feel of her in my arms.

“So, Mr. Way,” she said still smiling. “If you could be anything in the world right now, like, if you could choose your life, what would it be?”

“I already told you that I wanted to be a comic book artist.”

“But you haven’t tried doing that yet.”

I shrugged. “I could be in a band.” It wasn’t the worst idea I had ever had. “Unfortunately I can’t sing for shit.”

Her head tilted slightly to the side. “It can’t be that bad. Your grandmother was so proud of you that time we went to Jersey. Plus, a little birdie told me you were pretty good in the school play,” she teased with smile.

“That was middle school. My voice has changed since then. Besides, I’ve suffered through enough failed bands for one lifetime.”

“Maybe you haven’t found that thing yet,” she suggested.

I chuckled at her choice of words. “That thing?”

“Your sound. Your muse. Whichever you prefer,” she replied sweetly. “Like I said, right now you can choose anything.”

“Okay, what would you choose?” I wanted to know. This was quite an interesting conversation.

“I’d be a pediatrician. I’ll work with little kids all day and at the end of that day, I would go home to my own beautiful children.” She looked wistful saying this.

“You can still do all of that, you know?” For a moment I regretted my words, thinking that I might have said the wrong thing, but she didn’t look phased at all. She was still in the same good spirits she’s been all night.

“Yes, but first I have to find a good husband who could father those wonderful kids.”

Her words reminded me of our conversation a few days ago when she confessed to needing Dana despite having me. I wasn’t good enough for her. She needed more.

“Well, I’d like to marry one day and have kids too. I mean, it’s not like it’s a dream or anything, but it would be nice. I don’t think I’ll be good for them though.”

“What are you talking about? I think you’ll be great…”

“Taking good care of them will not be a problem, but I’m bad. They’ll always deserve better.” I said regretfully.

“Don’t sell yourself short. I think with the right motivation you’ll turn your life right around and when that day comes, watch out world.”

“Maybe, but let’s get out of here before we get murdered and never get the chance to do any of those things.” I took a hold of her hand and we started to make our way back in the direction of my apartment.

Kat made a strange sound and I turned to see her hurriedly try to hide a smile from her face.

“What was that?” I wondered amused.

She shook her head, looking down at her feet as we kept walking. “I’m really happy we had the talk. Things feel different between us now. Better. Lighter. There used to be a weight there that’s gone now.”

“I think it’s because we both finally said what had been plaguing our minds for the last couple of months.” I gave my honest opinion.

“I want you to know that I know you’re not going anywhere.” This caused me to stop and look at her. She nearly ran into me, because of this. “It’s actually sad, since I think you should run as far and as fast as you can away from me, but I know you won’t do that… because you love me.”

I was surprised that she was the one who put it out there. Maybe she wasn’t as repulsed by it as she used to be.

“I promise that won’t be a problem again.”

“It’s fine,” she shrugged it off, starting to walk again. I stood there staring after her. Now I was getting mixed signals from her. She didn’t want to start something with me, but she was okay with me loving her. If she wanted to fuck with my mind, I would say, mission accomplished.

“It’s fine?” I jogged to catch up with her. “The other night you said…”

“Gerard, don’t make a big deal out of it,” she said, interrupting me mid-sentence.

I put my hands up. “Okay.”

We walked in silence for a while, each one stuck in their own thoughts. I was thinking about how lucky I was to have Kat in my life. Yes, there have been a few bumps and maybe it wasn’t completely the way I wanted it, but she was still one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t change that. I watched her eyes curiously take in everything around us and wondered what she was thinking.

“You know, we should totally go to Jersey again sometime and visit your grandmother,” Kat stated out of nowhere.

“I won’t be able to go there a second time without visiting my parents,” I pointed out. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I would feel guilty for never going to see them. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect on my arrival anyway.

“In that case you can drop me off at your grandmother’s house and I’ll talk to her while you spend time with your parents. I’ve never felt more welcome anywhere in my life.”

I smiled fondly at the thought of the old woman. “She has that effect.”

Kat stopped walking and turned to me. “I should probably go home while I’m still on my feet.”

I was slightly bummed out by that idea, but couldn’t exactly tell her to stay. “Sounds like a plan.”

With that we hugged and parted ways.

“I’ll see you again tomorrow!” She called after me as I walked away.

A few feet further, I turned back around. “Hey, Kat!”

She stopped and turned to look at me expectantly.

“Promise me you’ll do it one day.” The dumbfounded look on her face was kind of adorable. “Promise me that you’ll make your own dreams come true. It doesn’t matter when, but promise me you won’t give up, that you will do your degree one day and start your own family.” I wanted to hear her say it. She needed to say it for herself too. She was young. She could still do anything, but first she had to tell me and herself that she won’t settle for this life forever.

“I promise.”

*

Kat’s POV

I had a small smile on my face when I entered the house a little while later. Things were definitely a lot better since Gerard and I had the talk. The tension was gone and so were the expectations that had resided between us. This is what it should have been from the beginning. Neither of us had really made it easy.

“Fun night?”

I jumped, startled by Dana’s sudden question. He was the last thing I expected, walking through the door. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.

“I went to the park.”

Dana nodded slowly, his eyes not leaving me once, barely blinking. I was waiting for him to say something about my being out late or drinking or anything. Instead he surprised me again.

“Well, your timing is perfect. I was just about to go to bed.”

I swallowed. Of course he still thought that we were working things out. I dubiously followed him to our bedroom and awkwardly stood by the end of the bed, feeling like a virgin about to lose her virtue to some kid she just met at a high school party.

“Is something wrong?” Dana asked, looking at me expectantly from where he was already in bed.

I didn’t know what to say. Did I tell him that I knew about him and Carrie? I mean, honestly, I found out about them the first time. Did he seriously think that I wouldn’t know about it this time? And in our bed.

I silently walked around to my side and crawled under the covers without bothering to change. Dana turned on his side and looked at me. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I could swear that I smelled her.

He reached out a hand and caressed me cheek, forcing me to suppress an involuntary shiver.

“You are so beautiful.”

“Not tonight, Dana.” I blurted out hurriedly. “I think I’m coming down with something. I’ve been feeling nauseous and I’ve been somewhat feverish too.” I lied. “It could be some hybrid or something.”

Dana propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me worriedly. “Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”

Great. “I’ll try and sleep it off. If I don’t feel better in the morning, I’ll go see a doctor.” I nervously met his gaze, trying to determine whether he bought it or not. His brow was furrowed, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“Do you think it’s possible that you could be pregnant?”

Aside from the fact that the possibility of that happening horrified me, I wanted to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the idea. I didn’t. “I’ll take a pregnancy test in the morning,” I said to appease him.

A baby might not be the worst thing to happen to us. It would definitely force me to clean up and maybe Dana would re-evaluate his life choices, but even as the thought crossed my mind, I dismissed it, because I knew Dana wouldn’t change. Even if he ended things with Carrie for good, how long until the next girl came along? I would never be able to trust him again.

“If not, we can just try again and again.” His arm wrapped around my waist pulling me closer to him. So we did and I put on the best damn show of my life, hoping that it would satisfy his ego and make him go to sleep. Unfortunately, he wanted to do it again and this time around I didn’t even have to fake being sick.

I stormed into the connecting bathroom and bent double over the toilet, emptying my stomach contents. I wasn’t sure whether it was as a result of sleeping with Dana in the same bed that he’s been screwing his mistress or whether it was my body’s way of getting revenge for weeks of toxins.

“Are you alright?”

I breathed in deeply, but this was not a good idea, because whatever I had left in my body fought its way up too, barely giving me a chance to recover from my last puking session. I was vaguely aware of Dana rummaging through the bathroom cabinet. I heard the tap run and then Dana was standing over me, holding out a glass of water and some pills.

“Drink this.”

I gratefully, through bleary vision, accepted the glass of water, but I disregarded his other hand’s contents.

“Katherine…”

“No, I don’t want it,” I insisted. It was time to listen to my body. If I didn’t slow down, I wasn’t going to last much longer. Who was going to take care of Gerard? I didn’t trust him not to go completely off the tracks without me there to keep him on it.

“You’ll feel better.”

No, I had to be strong. I had to pull myself together. For myself and for Gerard. “No.” I gulped down the water and slumped down on the floor.

Dana was frustrated. I could see it on his face and hear it in his voice as he exclaimed with a short, “Fine!” He most likely thought I was being unnecessarily stubborn.

He returned a few seconds later with a blanket. My, my. He was full of surprises tonight. It was aggravating. It wasn’t fair of him to suddenly be the good guy I fell in love with now that I’d given up on him. He bent down to drape it over me before straightening back up.

“I’m going to bed.”

I sighed deeply the second he left. We were all such a mess. I curled up on the cold tile floor with only the blanket covering my bare figure.

I should have gone with Gerard. We would have been on his couch, drunk and laughing at stupid shit. Or I would have been able to convince him to dance with me again. Maybe he would have drawn me another picture. He was such an amazing artist.

And a good person. He didn’t give up on people. From what I could tell, his friend Bert was a jerk, but Gerard was still there for him. I’ve broken his heart at least twice and he hasn’t given up on me yet either. Maybe Mikey was right about Gerard needing better people in his life.

I wasn’t going anywhere either.

Notes

Hey, guys! Here's the new chapter. Is anyone still reading this? If so, thank you so much! I know I sometimes take forever to update and this isn't necessarily the most fun story to read.
Let me know what you think?
xoxo