Gerard’s POV

I was busy putting the finishing touches on one of my recent projects. I only had a limited amount of time to finish my work after all. I wasn’t complaining. I would work day and night in order to finish on time, if that was what it took.

“Gerard.”

I looked up. It was a man in about his early fifties with slightly silver hair. The laughing wrinkles at the corners of his eyes gave away the hearty person that he was.

“Uncle Paul.” I grinned up at my favorite uncle. “What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking, stepping out of my cubicle to greet him properly.

“Your parents told me they were coming to see you so I thought what the hell, why not?” he grinned broadly, patting me on the shoulder.

“My parents?” My eyes grew wide. This was it. They were going to try to convince me to go to rehab and therapy and who knew what else?

“Yeah, I told them I’d come get you while they waited outside. Come on.” He was eager for me to come along, but I hesitated, afraid of how my parents would react when they saw me. “What are you waiting for?”

I recovered from the initial shock of my parents’ suddenly being in the city. “I’m at work, Uncle Paul. I can’t exactly just take off.”

“Oh, right. Well, we thought we’d at least be able to lay claim to your lunch time.”

I felt too guilty to let him leave like that. “Hold on. I guess I could let someone cover for me then I can leave with you now until the end of lunch. That will buy us about another forty five minutes.”

“Great!” he grinned happily. “That’s perfect.”

I asked one of the guys to cover for me before following the man out to where my family was waiting. They stood talking and pointing at one or two buildings.

“Hey, look what I got you,” Uncle Paul exclaimed, causing my parents to turn around.

“Mom. Dad,” I said awkwardly, staring at them staring at me.

After we stood like that for a while, my uncle clearly wondering what the hell was wrong, my mom was the first person to move. “We’ve missed you.” She hugged me tightly, more so than usual. I was grateful, but also scared. My parents knew everything now and that killed me. I feared what they might think of me. “Happy birthday!” she said, tightening her grip.

“Yes, happy birthday,” my father spoke. “These last twenty four years have been a blessing with you in our lives and we just want you to know that we’re very proud of you.” I pulled away from my mother and looked at my dad with my heart in my throat. That’s the only reason they were here. It was my birthday.

“Golden father son moment,” Uncle Paul muttered nodding.

“Is that why you guys came?” I had to be sure. The bomb might still drop.

My mom gave me a look that she used to give me when I was a little child, a look of wonder, like “Why would you possibly think that Mommy and Daddy don’t love you?”. “Why else would we be here?” she wondered.

I glanced at my dad and I could see it in his eyes. There was another reason they wanted to come. They wanted to check on me, see how bad things really were.

“Anything else can wait for another day,” he assured me with a smile. I let out an inward sigh of relief. They weren’t here because of me, well, they were, but only because it was my birthday. I felt my lips twitch upward in a genuine smile.

“That’s better,” Uncle Paul said. “Now, are we going to let Mikey wait or are we gonna get going?”

Things were a little awkward all through lunch. It wasn’t easy to ignore the elephant in the room. I was an alcoholic and my parents knew. We hadn’t discussed it yet. I dreaded the moment when we would. At least Mikey seemed to be on my side by not bringing up the damned subject. Instead we enjoyed lunch, remembering previous birthdays and such. My uncle Paul was a real conversation maker or, I should rather say, a clown. He could make anyone laugh even in the worst situations. There was a reason he was my favorite.

Afterwards, Mikey and I took them all back to the station where they would catch a train back home.

“It was good seeing you, boys,” Dad said and Uncle Paul agreed wholeheartedly. “We don’t see you enough.”

“The big city is keeping them too busy. The work, the ladies,” Uncle Paul joked. Mikey blushed, because he’s been dating a very nice girl who was practically a female version of him. It seemed to be going well between the two of them which made me happy.

“Not me,” I said proudly. “Life’s easier without them.”

“Can’t live with them, can’t live without him. Trust me,” Uncle Paul chuckled. This time it was Dad’s turn to agree.

“Watch it you,” Mom warned Dad playfully. “Okay, it’s time to go. You two need to get back to work and we need to get home.” Mom rushed my dad and my uncle along. “See you boys again soon.”

“Have a good day. Also a good year to you, Gerard,” Dad said his goodbyes.

“Yeah, he’s growing old now,” Mikey teased and I hit his shoulder.

The three of them got on the train and Mikey and I walked back the way we came. The streets were busy as usual, but fortunately we weren’t too far away from our work places.

“Thanks for today,” I told him.

“What for?”

“I know I was upset that you told Mom and Dad about me, you know, my addictions and stuff. I might have overreacted. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay.” He dragged his finger along the wall we were walking by. “I think it’s time that you get it into your thick skull that we all care and we’re not going anywhere. You’re stuck with us for good, dear brother.” Mikey put an arm across my shoulders, smiling at me.

“I don’t mind,” I smiled. “Hey, Mikes, there’s something I have to tell you. I quit my job.”

“What?”

“Everybody wants me to clean up my act and the only way I’ll be able to do that is to remove the things from my life that are driving me towards the alcohol and I seriously hate my job. I can’t tell you how much. I handed in my notice a while back and I have about three days of work left. I’m not sure what I’m going to do once it’s over, but I had to leave.”

Mikey squinted ahead, not saying anything at first. He seemed thoughtful, thinking over what I had just told him. “I’m good friends with my boss and we always seem to be short-handed. I might be able to get you a job at the store,” he offered.

It was the last thing I had expected, but I was grateful for it. “Thanks, Mikey. I appreciate it.”

“And I’m glad you’re trying.” The truth was that I wasn’t actually trying. This was all just a convenient excuse for me to quit. I had no intention of changing yet. Maybe later in life, but right then I was content with the way things were. However, Mikey didn’t need to know that.

Kat’s POV

I sat at the bar in one of the dives near the Starbucks that I worked at. I wasn’t drinking anything aside from a glass of water. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was doing there. Maybe it was because the atmosphere had a calming effect on me considering that this was the type of place I came to every night for almost an entire year. It has become some sort of comfort zone. Aside from the one or two miserable drunks by the bar, the rest of the people were having a carefree evening with friends, drink in hand.

It was strange being there alone. I’ve become used to Gerard always being there to keep me company. To think that there was a point in time that I did almost everything I could to push him away. I didn’t want or need the added complication. I was surviving well enough on my own. Now he was an inseparable part of my life. The last couple of months of my life would’ve been a lot different if he hadn’t been a part of it. Talking to him, despite being intoxicated most of the time, has been enlightening. He was beginning to influence my perspective on things in general, but also on my own life. It was a good thing, but it didn’t make my life any easier, because it affected the way I handled situations in my life. It complicated the reconciliation of my marriage. I didn’t concede to everything Dana said or wanted. We were more equal now than we would’ve been otherwise. Before I met Gerard I would’ve done anything to make things work, the difference was that now things also had to work for me and not only for Dana.

Lately, something has been off with him, though. He was never around anymore. We didn’t meet up at night. He barely said anything when he came to buy coffee. It was completely unlike him. He used to change his entire demeanor when he was around me, always being attentive in whichever way was necessary. It was like he didn’t care anymore. That wasn’t even it. I’ve noticed him taking pills too and that wasn’t something that I was used to him doing. Something was definitely wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I’ve asked, but I’d always get a “Fine.” even though I could tell that he was far from it. Perhaps I was finally beginning to see the real Gerard.

On the other hand, there was no point in me sitting there, wondering about what was going on. I had my own things to deal with. I had a husband waiting for me at home. I stood up from the barstool and found my way outside, to my car. When I arrived home, Dana was already dishing up food from Chinese fast food containers.

“I was wondering when you were going to get home,” he said, walking over and giving me a kiss. “I was in the mood for Chinese. We can get something else if you’d like.”

“No, Chinese is good,” I assured him, getting a plate from the cupboard and grabbing a spoon from one of the little boxes. “How was your day?”

Dana sat down at the kitchen table and started eating. “Busy. It wasn’t bad, though. My dad and some of the partners are away for a few days on business so the rest of us are neck deep in everything that remained. I’m not complaining. It’s good to stay busy.”

I nodded, sitting down next to him and digging into the noodles on my plate.

“How about your day?” he wanted to know.

I shrugged. “It was just another day like every other.”

From the corner of my eye I noticed Dana pause and look at me. “Is everything okay? You were home pretty late. Where were you?” He didn’t even try to hide the suspicion from his voice.

“Everything’s fine.” I didn’t look at him while I spoke. He wouldn’t understand if I told him that I had been at a bar. “It was just a long day,” I shrugged it off like it was nothing. We finished the rest of our food in silence. Ever since I was supposed to start getting clean, things have been a little tense between us. I was extremely irritated most of the time which caused me to snap easily and Dana wasn’t handling that very well. He didn’t understand that the change wouldn’t simply happen overnight.

“Were you out drinking again?” Dana asked just as I put away the last dishes.

“No.” I spun around to look at him astonished. I understood where he was coming from, but a little more support would’ve been nice.

“Then why does it smell like you’ve just come from a bar?” He looked like he would rather do anything than ask me that, but unfortunately it had to be done. I looked down guiltily not really sure why, because I hadn’t done anything wrong. Dana sighed deeply. “Why? I thought we agreed that you were going to stop. I mean this marriage is going to take both of us to make it work.” I watched him pace about the kitchen and use his hands while he talked. My heart sank with every word. “I’ve done my part. I’m doing my part. Do you have any idea how much time and effort it takes to do my degree and work at the same time?” he asked, looking at me directly. “It takes a lot out of a man, I’ll tell you that. It doesn’t even have to be that way, but I’m doing it anyway, because in the end it’s what’s best for you. Quite frankly, I’ve given up a lot, almost everything, for you. All I ask is for a little effort in return.”

“That’s not fair!” I exclaimed upset. I couldn’t believe the audacity he had to act like he’d given up so much while I haven’t given anything in return. I’ve given up a lot more than he ever would or could. He had no right to imply that I wasn’t doing my part to keep this marriage going. On the contrary, I’ve given up everything, my family, my own dreams, even my pride, and I had put up with a lot of shit from him. “I’ve also given up a lot for this.” I motioned between us. “And I’m doing the best I can. Yes, I was at a bar, but I didn’t have anything except a glass of water. I haven’t had anything to drink all day.” I felt like crying when I put out my hand to show him how much I was shaking as a result of that. This wasn’t fair and it definitely wasn’t easy. I could only do so much. I was tired and I felt miserable. I’ve recently become aware again of the reasons I started drinking in the first place.

“I’m tired, Katherine. We both are. This hasn’t been easy for either of us. Maybe we should take a break, you know, stop trying so hard.” He turned and walked away from me. This was not happening. We couldn’t be nearing the end. I let out a strangled sob, unwilling to believe that it could be over just like that. No!

I followed Dana to our bedroom where I found him sitting on the bed looking forlorn. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, sitting down next to him and hugging him close. “You’re right. I’m not trying hard enough, but I will. We’ll be okay.” I lifted his face and kissed him, a searching almost begging kiss. “Dana.”

His arms came up and locked around me. He suddenly kissed me back fiercely, his hands moving down to my waist and gripping me firmly. We were going to be okay. This was all we needed. No more fighting. We needed to focus on the things that worked. This worked. The last tears dried on my cheeks as he lay me down on our bed.His kisses seemed desperate and I could tell that he needed this as much as I did. His grip on my thigh was almost painful, but it was okay. I would do anything for things to be okay. If this was what he needed then I would gladly submit to it.

*

I woke up to the shrill ringing of my phone. My hand blindly reached out in the dark not finding anything until I opened my eyes.

“Hello.” I answered groggily.

There was a crackling sound and a lot of noise in the background. “Kat?” The sounds of cars, people and slightly heavy breathing.

I sighed quietly, looking over to Dana’s sleeping form. I slowly moved away from him, being careful not wake him as I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

“Kat? Are you still there? Kat?”

“I’m here.” I whispered.

“I thought you hung up on me.” Gerard slurred over the phone. “I’m sorry to bother you this late, but I need your help.”

This time I allowed myself to sigh deeply. “Gee, I can’t. Not right now.”

“There was a huge mess over here at the bar and I desperately need a ride.”

“Gerard, I can’t. You shouldn’t have called me.”

“Please. I have no one else to call. No one else will come.”

He had no idea what he was doing to me. It was the middle of the night and my husband was asleep. I couldn’t simply sneak out to go pick up my drunken friend, because it would end in disaster if Dana ever found out. There was too much at stake.

“Kat.” What would happen if I left him there?

“I’ll be right there,” I said sighing once again. I snuck back into the bedroom and found some clothes, quietly getting dressed and leaving to pick up Gerard.

I pulled up to the sidewalk where Gerard was seated with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It took him a while to realize that it was me. Finally the passenger door opened and he all but crawled into my car only by some miracle not spilling any beer in the process.

“You came.” He sounded so relieved.

“You called. I couldn’t very well leave you to your own mercy.” I could hardly hide my annoyance. It was not that I didn’t want to help him. I would always be there for him, because I knew he would do the same for me. His timing was just terrible.

“Thanks,” he coughed, taking another swig of his beer. I didn’t need any light to know that he was shattered. He needed me a lot lately. He’s become a real mess as of late and I couldn’t understand why. Still he refused to tell me. No personal questions was the deal between us after all.

“Rough night?”

He nodded in response, probably not in much of a condition to answer in any other way.

“I can tell,” I muttered. “You should drink less, Gee.”

He snorted, staring out the window as I drove to his apartment. “That’s ironic coming from you.”

“I’m serious.”

Gerard shifted in his seat, turning to face me. “Why is it that every time one of us is sober, we don’t like the other drinking?” His words rang true. I could remember him worrying about me before too.

“Maybe because we’re able to see what it’s doing to the other person and we don’t like it?” I offered. “And maybe because I still don’t get why you do it.”

“I told you…”

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, cutting him short before he could finish his sentence. “No, you gave me an excuse. You can choose not to live like this anymore any time you want. The sooner the better, because it’ll make your life a lot easier down the road. Trust me.”

“It’s not that simple,” he disagreed looking away again. “I’ve tried getting clean before. I’d rather die.”

“In that case your wish will be granted, because at the rate you’re going, you won’t reach twenty five.”

“Then I have one more year.”

My eyes quickly darted towards him. “Today is your birthday?” I asked quietly. I had no idea. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “Happy birthday, Gee. If I had known I would have gotten you a gift or something.” I wasn’t even sure that he was listening to me anymore. He kept his eyes on the buildings we passed and he didn’t say anything. “I hope twenty four is a better year than the last and that it will be the highlight of your life so far,” I sincerely wished him.

He exhaled loudly. “How much further?” It was strange of him to ask me how much further it was when we were heading to his place. He should have known. Then again I wasn’t sure that he took any notice of anything around him at the moment.

“We’re here.” I pulled up to the curb and put the car in park.

Gerard opened the door, muttering a “Thanks” before falling out and pretty much landing face first on the sidewalk. It made me wonder how many times before he’d been there.

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath, quickly undoing my seatbelt and getting out, hurrying around the car to help him up. Before I could get to him, he started throwing up which, in my opinion, was a good thing. It would help to get the toxins out of his body or at least most of the stuff that he took in during the night. I stepped back and let him finish only then did I help him to his feet, supporting him all the way up to his apartment. “Give me your keys,” I demanded, knowing full well that he wouldn’t be able to unlock the door himself. It was a struggle for him to just get them from his pocket. I took the keys and unlocked the door, finding the light switch and letting light fill the room.

Gerard staggered into the room nearly tripping over the rug lying in the middle of the floor. He took his shoes off, dropping them right there on the floor before collapsing onto the couch. Now that we were inside and bathed in light, I realized in what a bad shape he really was.

“Gerard, what the hell happened to you?” I exclaimed worriedly, rushing over to his half passed out form. His left cheek was bruised and swollen, there was a cut above his left eye and there were still traces of dried blood beneath his nose.

“We were out having fun, you know, like we always do when Bert and Joe got into an argument with these other guys, over girls of course.” He coughed. “Shawn tried to get in between them and when I tried to help, I just made things worse and in the end there was this huge bar brawl. Fists were flying all over the place and then they kicked us out, threatening to call the cops. Of course the other guys didn’t wait for them to make good on their word. Some of them have already had a few too many run-ins with the cops. That left me and I didn’t know what to do so I called you.”

“You shouldn’t have called me,” I told him, walking away towards the bathroom in search of something that I could use to clean him up.

“I know.”

“I can’t deal with this right now. I have enough problems of my own,” I spoke, returning, armed with the first aid kit that he miraculously had. “You know that Dana and I have been having problems and how hard I’ve been working to make our marriage work. This definitely isn’t helping the matter.” I climbed over his stretched out legs and sat down next to him, looking through the kit for something to clean his cuts with.

Gerard sighed deeply. “I know.” He winced when I dabbed the cotton ball dipped in antiseptics to his busted eyebrow. “That’s why I was relieved when you came.” That was all he said, but I could tell that there was a lot more to his words than the literal meaning. However, I was in no state to try to figure out what he was trying to tell me. Instead I merely focused on cleaning his wounds. He shut his eyes while I cleaned the cuts, breathing slowly, deeply. When I reached his busted lip, his eyes opened and he stared at me intently. He looked almost completely dazed, but even so, his mouth opened and his lips moved to say, “I love you.”

I love you. A drunken love confession from a drunken fool or maybe he wasn’t as drunk as he pretended to be? The fact of the matter was that it was the last straw. After everything… He loved me. My stomach turned and my chest constricted to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe. “I’m done.” I got to my feet and headed for the door.

It’s not like I was an idiot. I wasn’t blind. I knew that Gerard cared about me, but I had hoped that he would care enough to the point that he would keep it to himself so as not to hurt me. Maybe that was just a little too much to ask. How many times were we going to have to do this?

“Kat, please!” He stumbled to his feet and looked at me pleadingly. What did he want from me? I was married.

“You don’t even know what you’re saying!” I said on the verge of hysterical. He was drunk. He didn’t, he couldn’t mean it. And I couldn’t take it. “I can’t deal with this right now,” I whispered, turning around and storming out of there as fast as my legs would carry me, leaving a dazed and probably broken Gerard behind. It was all I could do. Escape.

My feet automatically took the shortest route to the nearest bar where I plopped down on a barstool and ordered a whiskey on the rocks. I haven’t had a drink all day and it was way past the point of trying to take it easy. I needed something that would immediately take my breath away, something that would work its magic as soon as I drank it.

Gerard couldn’t possibly love me. He didn’t even know me at all. He didn’t know my family, my background, where I came from. He didn’t know my secrets. He had no idea how I got to where I was. He had no idea what drove me forward, what motivated me or what broke me down. Everything I’ve been through, all that I’ve experienced in my life was a complete mystery to him. This random feeling he called love was everything but love. At most it could be a feeling of attachment, an emotion he experienced because we used the same methods to cope with our problems and therefore had something to “bond” over. That was it, we were hardly friends.

My drink was placed in front of me and the bartender gave me what he probably hoped to be a comforting smile. I pulled the glass of alcohol closer, holding it tightly. I didn’t really want to do this. I was making progress and Dana would be so disappointed if I gave in to the temptation. I let out a long, deep breath.

For the most part, people had no idea what love was. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it more than once. People lied. Telling someone you loved them was only a way to get what you wanted. My experience with love has been very disappointing which has left me skeptical. It wasn’t fair to the people who might actually mean it, unfortunately that was the way it turned out. People sucked and they let you down. But Gerard wasn’t like everyone else. He always came back regardless of whether I pushed him away or did something terrible. He always came back. He never gave up on me even when anyone else would have a long time ago. Without him I would’ve been alone by now. The question remained, did I trust Gerard?

I picked up the glass and brought it to my lips, gulping down its contents. It didn’t make me feel better about myself. It didn’t even make me feel better about the last five seconds. It had quite the opposite effect actually. I dug through my pocket and finally slammed the money for the drink down on the counter before walking out, not allowing myself another second of weakness.

When I arrived home, I noticed that some of the lights were on. It was almost one thirty in the morning. It’s been almost two hours since I left to help Gerard. Dana was probably going out of his mind. I found him rummaging through the fridge presumably for something to eat. There was already an empty ice-cream bucket on the table. The kitchen itself kind of looked like it had been hit by a hurricane.

“What are you doing?” I asked still standing in the doorway. That was when he first became aware of my presence.

“I think the better question is where the hell you were,” Dana countered.

I wasn’t sure what to tell him so I lied. “I needed some fresh air. I needed to clear my head in order to think.” I shrugged.

“It’s the middle of the fucking night! You can’t just get up and leave. Aside from the fact that it’s dangerous, you left without saying a word to me, your husband, remember?” He was angry, not that I could blame him. “Is this the kind of insanity that I can keep expecting? It’s unacceptable. You’re my wife, and I have a right to know where and when you’re going. At the very least you could have called and saved me the worry. Instead I wake up alone in bed, in an empty house, because you decided that you needed fresh air,” he ranted. “You were gone for a long time. Let me guess, the craving for alcohol won over your attempts to get clean.” He paused and looked at me where I stood nervously, guiltily. “Katherine, did you drink tonight?” He was giving me a chance to deny it and I could have, but what other reason could I possibly have had for staying out so late after sneaking out. The truth was that I had had one drink. It wasn’t a good thing, but it was better than trying to explain the Gerard-situation.

“I had one moment of weakness,” I admitted quietly.

He threw his hands up in surrender. “What do I have to do? What more do I have to give?” he demanded, stopping in front of me. “Tell me, Katherine!” he practically shouted, grabbing me by my upper arms. “You’re trying my patience. You’re pushing me, testing me and you should stop,” he threatened, shaking me. “We are not going to be together forever. This can end right now if that’s what you want, but I won’t play the fool any longer.” I could almost feel his anger intensifying with each passing second.

“It was only one drink. I made a mistake,” I tried to placate him.

“It’s always just one drink, one weak moment, one everything. You just don’t get it!” The tone of his voice was rising and his grip on my arms was starting to hurt. “This will never stop until you do. Nothing will change unless you want it to. Do I have to spell it out for you??” It seemed like he had reached breaking point and I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for the impact. I couldn’t understand my reaction to his anger, because Dana has never been abusive, aside from that one incident. The situations were completely different and so was the timing. There was no way he would hurt me. With that reassurance in mind, I slowly opened my eyes. Dana was breathing heavily as he frowned down at me. “You thought I was going to hit you, didn’t you?” he said disbelievingly. “What kind of a husband do you think I am?” Dana stepped back, away from me.

I slowly let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding it all while trying to slow down the erratic beating of my heart inside my ribcage. “No, Dana, I didn’t. I know you wouldn’t.”

“This is ridiculous,” he said dismissively. “What are we doing?”

My heart sank with sadness at what he was trying to say, but the feeling was replaced by worry when I saw blood coming from his nose. “Dana, your nose.” I meant to step forward and help him, but he hurriedly turned away from me, grabbing his nose.

“Shit… It’s nothing, I’m fine,” my husband of the last year and a half muttered.

“You’re not fine. You’re bleeding. That’s not normal.” I wished that he would let me help him if only to make sure that he really was okay.

“It’s all the stress of everything that’s been going on and like I told you earlier, it was a long day.” He sniffed and seemed to be okay for the time being. “Look, Katherine. We’re both tired and kind of wrecked so why don’t we go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning when we both feel better and are in a better state of mind?” It wasn’t a question.

“But…”

“Good night, Katherine,” he said firmly, leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs.

I waited for the sounds of his footsteps to die away then pathetically sagged down onto one of the chairs. Whether it was out of relief or misery, I wasn’t sure, but one thing was sure, I’ve never felt that way before and I never wanted to feel that way again.

Notes

Soooo... Yeah. Tell me what you think. Yay/nay?
This is the longest chapter yet. I think that's a good thing. I doubt it'll be a trend, though. No one likes to read forever before the end after all.
Any guesses what might happen next?
I'll let you be now.
xoxo
P.S. Thank you for the readers who are hanging in there. My updates are infrequent, I know, but you guys are awesome for still reading!