Addiction and Her Name

Bottles of pills littered the bathroom cabinet when I opened it. It wasn’t too difficult to find what I was looking for, my anti-depressants, of which I couldn’t ever pronounce the real name. I popped a few pills into my hand and made my way to the kitchen, fishing out half a bottle of cheap whiskey from the back of the fridge. The liquor bottle practically opened by itself and soon I was gulping down my meds. The kettle was already busy boiling water. Now all that was needed were two clean coffee mugs and that seemed to be the biggest problem that morning. Eventually I gave up looking and instead washed out two mugs standing around the kitchen area and was finally able to make some deliciously strong black coffee. Somehow managing to juggle the two full mugs of coffee and the bottle of whiskey, I walked over to my sleeping visitor. Unless I planned on waking her up with my foot, which was sure to end in a disaster of coffee and whiskey and Gerard everywhere, I had to put everything down on the little coffee table in front of the couch. I bent over the sleeping girl and gently shook her shoulder. She startled awake nonetheless.

“It’s okay. Relax,” I hurriedly stepped back with my hands slightly up as if to show that I wasn’t going to hurt her.

She instantly relaxed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I was about to say the same thing.”

She slowly sat up, making sure to keep the jacket in place so as not to show any unnecessary skin. “Sorry about this,” she said embarrassedly, looking down at herself. “It’s…”

“Okay,” I assured her. “Coffee?” I held out one of the mugs to her and she took it gratefully.

“This is embarrassing,” the girl muttered, sitting up straighter and readjusting the jacket covering her body. I offered her some whiskey and she held out her coffee mug. It was the only way I could think to help her feel better about the situation. I tipped the top of the bottle over my own mug, took a swig from the bottle and then my coffee.

“I’m sorry, I don’t actually remember anything that happened last night,” I apologized.“I should probably know your name…” I had no idea who she was. She had large brown eyes, nicely tanned skin and her black hair was long and messy after the previous night’s activities.

“My name’s Meagan,” she said, offering me a smile.

“It’s nice to meet you, Meagan,” I said sincerely. I didn’t know her, but she seemed nice enough. “I’m…”

“Gerard, I know.” Meagan took a sip of her coffee and shifted. “We met last night.”

“Sorry,” I ducked my head guiltily. I could feel a numbness slowly start to fill me.

“That’s okay,” she assured me. “You were a bit of a mess.” I looked up at this. “I came up to you, tried to make conversation, but you weren’t interested and then your friend Bert swooped in.” Now it all made sense and it should’ve been clear from the start. Bert was the only person who would bring a girl to my place and then bail before she woke up. I should’ve known. “I know what this must look like.” She was embarrassed again. “I didn’t go out last night with the intention of sleeping with some random guy I picked up in a bar. I’ve never done that and I never will. I went out with some friends and it was simply to have a good time. You need to have some time outside of work to have fun,” she explained. I rolled my eyes, because no one understood that better than I did. “Like I said, I tried talking to you, I mean, there’s no problem with trying to get to know a good-looking guy, but you kept rambling on and on about some other girl named Kat which would have been fine, because I didn’t mind listening, it’s just that you seemed so sad.” I frowned deeply, because I never knew that I could be a miserable drunk, always rowdy, never miserable. I had probably made a fool of myself in front of this sweet girl, leading to her falling prey to my friend. “I didn’t particularly enjoy that, because you’re much too young and you seem too good to be that sad, but what do I know?” She chuckled uncomfortably. “I don’t know you.” She sighed. “Then Bert showed up all grumpily, but he turned on the charm and then things just got completely out of hand so I woke up here.”

“Are you okay?” There was a glimmer of humanity in me after all and Meagan looked like she needed a hug. Of course I wasn’t going to go that far.

She offered me half a smile. “I’m naked in a stranger’s house whom I didn’t even go home with and I’m having whiskey for breakfast.”

I shrug apologetically. “I don’t really have much else and I don’t exactly know how to make this situation any better.” I sighed. “Sorry about Bert. He’s a jackass for leaving you here.”

She handed me her empty mug and I put it down on the coffee table next to where I was sitting on it. “Maybe it’s better that way. What were we going to say to each other anyway? Besides, like I said, I would’ve preferred you.”

I smiled bashfully. “Sorry to leave you, but unfortunately I have to get to work, that’s if I still have a job. You’re welcome to take a shower before you go. My brother brought groceries yesterday so feel free to fix yourself some breakfast. Basically, make yourself at home.” I stood up and went to my room to find something to wear that wasn’t completely disgusting. On my return to the living room, I noted that Meagan was making more coffee.

“Thanks, Gerard. I appreciate everything.”

“I haven’t done anything. Oh, and when you leave, just leave the key on the sill about the door.” I said goodbye and left for work. I didn’t stop by Starbucks or have time for anything else. I was already an hour late and was naturally given a warning by my boss. I wasn’t bothered by it either, because in the last week it was one of the least terrible things to happen to me.

When lunch finally rolled by, I was starving and stopped by Starbucks for coffee and muffins, having a cigarette on the way, two cigarettes actually. For once Ray was not there, but Kat was and I approached her with a smile.

“Gee! I was wondering when you would drop by. What can I get you?” she said cheerily.

“Coffee and two chocolate muffins please.”

“I’m on it.” She turned to complete my order and began talking as she did. She was happy, not blissfully happy yet, but with each passing day the sparkle in her eyes became brighter. Her smile became more and more real, the corners of her beautiful mouth reaching higher every day until they reached her eyes. Her cheeks had more color in them and as a whole she looked healthier. Then there was her laughter that also occurred more frequently lately, such a beautiful sound to my ears even if it wasn’t because of me. I wasn’t the one doing all this. She wasn’t happy because of me. It was all due to the reconciliation between her and her husband. Kat had hope. She was talking about the future.

As the days wore on things got worse. Things between Kat and her husband got better and better and things with me kept going downhill. Anti-depressants were my new best friend and they came hand-in-hand with alcohol, which meant that I was day-drunk almost all the time.I didn’t sleep much anymore. Food was barely worth a thought and I practically ate my cigarettes. I was spending all my time with Bert and the guys too, leaving Kat to spend her time with her hubby. I didn’t feel anything about it anymore. I didn’t care that Kat was back with her husband. I didn’t care that she barely spent time with me, after all, it was my choice. I chose to distance myself from her by spending more time with the guys and less time with her. It was for my own good, it was. Then why the fuck did I feel dead all the time?

“Here’s your coffee. Just the way you like it,” Kat smiled. Maybe I should isolate myself completely, become a hermit. That way I can’t hurt anybody and they can’t hurt me. Had Kat hurt me by going back to her husband? No, I was fine. This didn’t bother me. I had gotten over my crush on her. I had my own life to live, a life away from her. This was simply me being me. I was a wreck long before ever meeting her.

“Thanks,” I muttered and paid, with the intention of simply walking away. I was rude, yes, but this was the only way to ensure that I didn’t get dragged back in. I couldn’t allow myself to expect something again. I let myself fall once before and look where that got me. Sure, at first she was a good influence on me, sort of, but now I was worse off than I’ve ever been, and yeah, I couldn’t really blame her for that, it were my own choices that brought me here, but still, she wasn’t blameless in all of this. What happened the next time I let her in – not that I ever really did, aside from spending most of my days with her and letting her meet my grandmother and fighting with Ray and Mikey about her all the time – would she lift me up a little from the ruins again and then leave me to die? Okay, maybe I was being a little overdramatic, but the point was, next time I might go too far and not be able to turn back. Right now I was barely surviving and I knew that. I knew how bad things were. I was a mess. I’ve practically hit rock bottom, not yet, though. I was still clinging on, keeping it together if only barely.

“Gee, wait!” Kat hung halfway over the counter in an attempt to stop me. I froze in place, willing myself to keep on walking, but then I found myself turning to look at her beautiful face. I couldn’t deny her anything. “Can we meet up tonight?” she asked, looking hopeful, almost anxious. I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. If she needed me, I’d be there even if the only thing she wanted from me was someone to share her happy marriage with. I would listen.

“Sure. I’ll see you tonight.” I turned and left the shop, stopping right outside it to pull out the little bottle of pills in my jacket pocket. Hello, my babies. I popped two into my mouth and swallowed them with the help of the scalding hot coffee in my hand. The contents of the small flask in my other jacket pocket soon found their way into my half empty coffee mug. I couldn’t very well show up at work with a bottle of alcohol. The coffee/whiskey cup found a resting place on a nearby newspaper stand while I lit up a cigarette and called Mikey.

“Hello?” he answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey, little brother. What about lunch?”

“Gee, yeah, sure. Meet you at the corner?” There was a nice little take out restaurant down the street from the bookstore where Mikey worked. It’s become a regular meeting place for us. Since I told Mikey that I was spending less time with Kat, next to none actually, our own relationship has been better. He thinks I’m cleaning up my act. Even Ray was a little more amenable.

Half an hour later, Mikey and I were sitting down in the little restaurant waiting for our food. It was easy to tell that it was spring and the cold of the winter was fading. People weren’t wearing thick jackets anymore and I was grateful for that. You could move a lot easier without that shit and I hated the cold. It was too synonymous with somberness, that grim feeling you got when you thought of a funeral. It was over now.

“You look terrible,” he commented, looking at me worriedly. “Are you okay?”

Truthfully, I was day drunk and probably a little more than that. “I think it’s the change of the seasons. I might be coming down with something. I have been feeling a little off.” I’ve been feeling a little lost, a little dead.

Mikey looked at me suspiciously. “Gerard, are you okay? You can tell me, you know?”

I could tell Mikey, but then he’d worry again and that would complicate everything. I put on my best smile, my eyes crinkling at the corners as if to emphasize how “okay” I was. “Of course. What’s new with you?”

The waitress brought our food, Mikey having ordered a salad and me a BLT baguette. To top it off, we had sodas.

“There isn’t much to tell, only, maybe, that I met a girl.” His cheeks flushed at his admission and I couldn’t help myself from grinning broadly. My little brother was in love and he was being all cute and shy about it. It was adorable to say the least.

“Tell me about her,” I requested eagerly, more than happy that the focus wasn’t on me anymore, but most of all happy for Mikes for meeting someone special.

“Her name is Thelma. She’s an assistant at the doctor’s office or rather more like a secretary,” Mikey explained. “She’s a Pumpkins fan…”

“Marry her!” I joked, knowing that Mikey would consider it too, because he was the biggest Pumpkinhead and anybody else who was remotely interested in the Smashing Pumpkins was already his best friend by default.

“Hah ha,” he said sarcastically. “No. She’s a year older than I am, but I have no problem with that. And did I mention that she loves bad old Japanese films?” He was excited about that little piece of information.

“Here I was thinking that you were the only one,” I muttered through a sip of soda and a bite of my baguette.

“Me too!” he exclaimed. “Clearly I’m not alone. So obviously we have a ton of fun doing that. Also, she totally rocks out on Guitar Hero. I can’t beat her.”

“Mikes, are you sure this girl is real?” I teased. “She sounds too much like you to possibly be real. I’m worried about you.”

“Fuck you, okay, she’s very real and we’re already going on our third date tomorrow.”

“Congratulations, little bro. I’m happy for you!” I said sincerely. “Figures that my little brother would get more action than I do.”

*

I was busy putting on my jacket when there was a knock at the door. I walked over, pushing my arm through the last sleeve, before opening the door. It was Kat.

“Hi,” she smiled. Her smile was sincere, yes, but I didn’t completely believe it. There was something more behind it than just a good feeling that she might be experiencing at that specific point in time. “Sorry for showing up out of the blue like this. I know I’m early, but I figured I might as well pick you up on my way to the bar.”

“That’s cool. I was about to head out now anyway.” Something was up. That was probably why she asked to hang out tonight?

“Great!” Kat jiggled her keys and turned to walk back the way she came with me short on her heels.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I said while we walked down the stairs. “I mean, aside from when I’m at Starbucks. It’s been a long time since we’ve actually spent time together.”

“Roundabout two weeks, I know and I’m sorry. I’ve been… It’s been…hard,” she admitted. We stepped out of my apartment building and walked up the street to where she parked her car. “Things haven’t been exactly the way I expected them to be.” We got in the car and she started driving towards our destination. “I’ll be honest, the reason I asked you out tonight is that I kind of need someone to talk to and frankly I don’t know anyone else.” Her eyes were focused on the road, but I could tell that she was anxious to talk to me and for a moment I allowed myself to feel good about that. She needed someone and she came to me.

“I told you, you could always come to me with anything. That hasn’t changed.”

“I know.” She pulled into a parking lot at the bar and turned off the engine. “We’ll talk once I have something to drink.” She was in a hurry to get inside and order a drink. Something was definitely off. The bar was still pretty much empty with only the sounds of the jukebox and two guys playing pool.

“Talk to me,” I told her, suddenly feeling sober. Her problems were more important than my own. I would be of no use to her in my intoxicated state. I simply ordered a beer and waited for her to tell me whatever was bothering her.

“You know, when Dana and I decided that we were going to give our marriage another shot, I didn’t nearly even begin to imagine how hard it would be,” she said in disbelief, dropping her head down onto her hand and looking up at me sadly, but still managing to force a smile my way. It was sad to say the least. I could never be that strong. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great,” she continued. “I’m happy.”

“I’ve noticed,” I said with a small smile even though my insides clenched together.

“The thing is that too much has happened before we reached the point of reconciliation. Dana has his demons and I have mine and fighting them has been… impossible. What I’m doing now, sitting here with you and having this drink, having had this drink,” she said, since her glass was already empty. “It’s such a major setback for me, but I decided that it would be worth it. I needed this drink badly and I needed more than anything to talk to you.”

I motioned to that barman to refill her glass, because one drink was obviously not enough at that moment. “What are you talking about?” She wasn’t getting to the point.

“Forget it. I’m rambling,” she said, dropping her hands on the bar top and avoiding making eye contact with me. “You have your own problems.”

I huffed, “You’re kidding me right? You can’t still, after all this time, think that. Yes, I do have my own problems, but we’ve been through some shit together. Don’t you think we’re past the point where we keep our problems to ourselves? Tell me.”

“Dana asked me to kick my drinking habit.” The words came out in a rush of air even though she was a lot calmer than she had been when we first came in. Maybe it was the drink that had made the difference. “Naturally of course I was all for it initially, but everyday has gotten harder. It’s hell, Gee,” she sighed. “I want to get clean. I want to be sober. If I don’t, this will never work and I need this to work.”

“Why?” I couldn’t comprehend why she was killing herself for something that was clearly not worth it. If it had been, they wouldn’t have had to work so hard at it. They wouldn’t have reached a point where they would have had to change their entire lives to fit together again.

“He’s my husband and I love him. We have so much history together. Dana is my life.” Kick a man while he’s down. I wanted to scream, but on the other hand, I felt bad for her. If being with Dana made her happy, I wanted that for her. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. Also, I agreed with the idea of her getting clean. She never should have been in this situation of having to get sober. That was another reason why I didn’t understand why she wanted so badly to reconcile with her husband, he was a shitty husband. If he had been any kind of a real husband, who actually loved his wife, he would have taken better care of her and never let her get so far gone. Who was I to judge? This was her choice and I would do my best to help and support her.

“You’ll be fine, Kat. You can do this. I believe in you. Dana wouldn’t have asked you to do it if he didn’t believe it. Now all that’s left is that you believe that you can.”

She chuckled humorlessly. “It’s easier said than done. I never realized how bad I had it. I thought that simply going cold turkey would do the trick, but instead I find myself drinking secretly and that’s no way to go about it. It’s not fair to Dana, especially since he’s already buried his skeletons. He’s done his part. He’s still doing his part. He’s treating me like a princess.”

“He should, because you deserve it.”

“I’m twenty years old. I should be at college having the time of my life. I should be at Yale, studying for a degree that would help me fulfill my dreams while also making my parents proud. I shouldn’t be sitting here so completely dependent on alcohol that I can barely go a day without having a drink.” Her eyes were sad, her shoulders were sagging and she wasn’t touching the new drink I had ordered her. She was serious about this.

“It’ll get better.” My phone rang, interrupting the speech I was about to give her. “Hello?”

“Gerard?”

“Mom?” I wasn’t expecting my mother of all people to call me. She called me every now and again, but this was completely unexpected. I hopped off the barstool and walked outside where it was somewhat quieter. “Hey, Mom.”

“You need to come home,” my mother’s voice cracked over the phone again.

“Is something wrong? Is it Dad?” Now I was really worried. What the hell was going on?

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. Mikey called…” Oh, great!

“Mom, I’m sorry,” I apologized before she could reach the part where he ratted me out.

She sighed. “It’s okay, Gerard. We love you and we want to help you. We’re going to support you through this.”

“Mom…” I was about to lie, say something about how I was super busy and that there was no way I could go back to Jersey right now, but I didn’t get the opportunity.

“Come home, Son.” I guessed that my dad had taken the phone from my distraught mother. Now everyone knew my secret. The damage was done and I couldn’t take it back.

“I’m sorry, Dad. I can’t,” I whispered that last sentence and hung up. I forgot about having gone there with Kat and instantly found myself heading for Mikey’s place. I couldn’t believe he told our parents. He had no right. If they hadn’t been worried before, they would definitely be going out of their minds now.

I reached his apartment in almost no time at all. I banged my fist on the door. “Mikey! Open up! We need to fucking talk. Mikey!” If he wasn’t my brother, who I loved more than anyone else in this world, I would strangle him as soon as he opened the door.

The door finally swung open and Mikey stood there with a bored look on his face. “I take it you talked to Mom?”

“No, you talked to Mom,” I said accusingly.

“I keep talking to you, but you won’t listen. I thought maybe you would listen to our parents,” he tried to justify himself. “You think I don’t know that you’re still a mess, but I do. I still worry. Katherine wasn’t the main issue, Gerard.”

I breathed in sharply when he mentioned her name. How little he knew. Kat was the main issue. She was the reason for all of this. I’ve never been happy with my life in general, but the situation with Kat was the cherry on top. It was the push I needed to crack.

“You’re spiraling and I’m worried that you’ll become suicidal again.” The worry on his face was clear and I felt guilty for putting him through all of this. He was the best brother anyone could ever ask for, he was my best friend. He deserved better from me.

He was right. I was spiraling. I hated my job. Kat’s reconciliation with her husband was getting me down. The people in my life, including my friends, weren’t enough anymore. I was losing it. The entire year that has passed came crashing down on me, from Bert’s hospital stay, to my own, to people disappointing me and letting me down, being lonely all the time, all the fights and arguments, hopes being dashed, my life going nowhere. Nothing was changing. I was simply going from bad to worse over and over again. It was like a vicious cycle or a never ending nightmare and I was stuck. I had no future prospects and I was pushing everyone away. Mikey was disappointed in me, which was bad enough on its own, but now my parents knew, too, and I couldn’t bear looking them in the eyes again, knowing that I had broken their hearts. I was going to die alone at this rate and it might even be sooner than later considering everything I’ve been taking and the amounts of alcohol I’ve been drinking. I could feel my chest constricting and finally my knees buckling beneath me.

“Gerard!” Mikey yelled worriedly. My shoulders started to shake. Tears left wet streaks down my cheeks. A long year of pent up emotions was finally breaking through to the surface. No one could keep everything bottled up forever and I’ve reached my limit. Through a blur of tears I noticed Mikey squatting down to my level and I felt him put a hesitant hand on my shoulder.

“I’m lost, Mikey,” I confessed. “I’m so fucking lost,” I cried, forcefully pressing my palms to my eyes. “All this time I’ve known, but… Fuck.” More sobs followed. Mikey sat down next to me on the floor and pulled me closer. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s okay, Gee. You’ve got me. You’re not alone in this.” He tried to calm me down.

“You can’t help me.” I looked up at him through my tears. “This is all me and I’m not strong enough. I can’t…” I breathed in deeply. “I can’t do it. I just can’t,” I whimpered and he hugged me tightly. “I’m a lost cause.”

Notes

I am alive, but terrible at updating, I know and I'm sorry.
This chapter is a little longer to make up for the wait and I really hope that it was worth the wait.
xoxo