Addiction and Her Name

The clock against the wall ticked loudly in the otherwise silent little apartment. Normally it would drive me crazy, but not today. My mind was too busy thinking about other things to notice the tick-tock sound. The tick-tock of a stupid wall clock was the absolute last thing on my mind as my hand dove deep into the box of coco puffs resting on my lap. I stuffed a hand full of coco puffs into my mouth and for the next few seconds there were loud crunching sounds to join the ticking of the hands of the clock. I liked Kat. The half empty bottle of beer was brought up to my lips and I took a large swig.

I liked Kat.

I liked her a lot, but she was married and I was drunk. It’s been three weeks since I realized I liked her. I haven’t told anyone that I thought I might be falling in love with her. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about it either, because it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to do anything about it. My acting on my feelings in any way will only result in her hating me and I couldn’t risk that for anything in the world.

I’ve been avoiding her for the past week. I needed time to clear my head, to think about everything that’s been happening lately. This wasn’t real. I wasn’t in love with her. This was just… lust. Yeah, that’s what it was… Who was I kidding? This wasn’t some addiction I could deny. I should’ve listened to Ray, but no; I always knew better. Also, I was afraid that Ray might be right. We were always drunk. What if my resolve disappeared in that condition and I did something stupid? I wouldn’t have any control over my actions.

Instead of spending time with her, I spent time with my friends again. I was going out with the guys and having fun again. Hanging out with Kat has never been fun. Things between us were always too serious. Whenever we were together we always got sucked in by our problems. Together we only focused on the bad and to add to it all, we also focused on the bad in each others lives which only made it worse. Spending time with Kat was depressing. That was why spending time with the guys for a change was refreshing. It was fun. I hated it.

The beer bottle was emptied in a large swig. The guys were cool, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t want to be there getting drunk with them. I wanted to be out with Kat. That way I could keep an eye on her even if it was only barely. In turn she could keep an eye on me. In a weird way we’ve become co-dependent.Believe me, I knew exactly how messed up that was since neither one of us was in any condition to be taking care of anyone. We couldn’t even take care of ourselves. Besides, as Ray rightly pointed out, she had a husband whose job it was to take care of her. I still cursed the fact that she was fucking married.

I munched on some more coco puffs and attempted to focus on the sound of the ticking clock. It was impossible, because I missed Kat too much. It’s only been a week, but I was already dying to see her again. I missed her little quirks and even her way of putting me in my place. She always seemed to notice things no one else did. That’s where our sense of companionship came into existence, we understood one another.

The phone rang and I listlessly answered it. “Hello.”

“Hey, Gee. How have you been?”

I didn’t expect to hear Kat’s voice on the other end. “I’m okay and you?”

“I don’t have any complaints. I only called to ask if you were going out with your friends again tonight.”

Her question caught me by surprise.”I don’t know yet, why?”

“I haven’t seen you all week and wondered if I was flying solo for another night.”

I suddenly felt bad for simply abandoning her. I’ve been avoiding her without giving her a reason or explanation as to my absence. It was fair of her to ask.

“I don’t have to.” The truth was that I was planning to spend the night getting drunk by myself anyway. “One night won’t kill them. As you said, we haven’t seen each other all week.” I was weak to cave so quickly. Kat wouldn’t have called unless she missed me too. That was enough reason for me to let go of any good resolutions I had of staying away from her until I was certain that I had my feelings under control. She needed me and I would be there for her.

“Okay!” She attempted to squash the tone of excitement in her voice, but wasn’t completely successful. “You don’t have to feel like you have to though. I’ll survive.”

“No, it’s fine. I want to.”

My spirits were strangely lifted once the phone call ended. I actually got up off the couch and threw away the empty beer bottles. It was long before I had to meet up with Kat and I decided to take a shower to let the time pass. Maybe I wanted to look good too. Besides it might have been a good idea to sober up slightly before seeing her. I took a quick shower and then carefully combed and styled my hair. By some miracle I had a clean set of clothes to wear. There was still plenty of time to kill unfortunately. I was nervous about what was to come and kept myself busy by cleaning the apartment. I threw away all the trash lying around which of course consisted mostly of empty alcohol containers. I even washed all the dirty coffee mugs. The place almost looked decent by the time I finished. There was still time, but I decided to head out and wait for Kat at the bar otherwise I would lose my mind.

I wasn’t sure why I was there. I never should have agreed to see her tonight. It was like I was looking for trouble, because nothing good could come of this. It was because I couldn’t take not seeing her anymore. I knew how ridiculous that was. How could you be so in love with a person you knew near nothing of and don’t forget that said person was married. Nothing lasted forever. I would get over this and move on with my life. It was about ten minutes before she arrived looking as beautiful as ever. She was dressed in denim from top to bottom and her short hair and make-up was done the same as always, but I liked it. It was very her.

“Hi, stranger,” she smiled as soon as she reached me, making me duck my head guiltily.

“Sorry,” I muttered. I was, but she had no idea why. She couldn’t know what I’ve been fighting this entire week.

She chuckled, sitting down next to me. “That’s okay. I don’t expect you to spend all your time with me. You have your own life. I would like to know what you’ve been up to, though.”

“I’ve just been around, hanging out with the guys mostly. There’s also been work.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “Vodka and tonic,” she told the barman. We waited in silence as he prepared her drink. I watched her from the corner of my eye. Her lipstick wasn’t as red as it always was, clearly it wasn’t newly applied. It made me wonder where her lips had been. Maybe she had kissed her husband. That would explain the slightly faded color. Her high cheekbones were lightly dusted with blush to accentuate them. This brought my attention to her skin which looked extremely soft.

“Is everything alright, Gee?” I hadn’t realized that I was facing her and that she was facing me too. Obviously she had caught me staring at her. Way to go. “I get the feeling that you’re avoiding me and I don’t know why.”

“Why on earth would I do that?” I asked, pretending not to have a clue what she was talking about when in truth she couldn’t be more right.

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Her blue eyes bore into my own hazel ones and I felt exposed, as if her eyes could see into my soul and extract all my thoughts and feelings. That would definitely be a disaster.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked, turning away from her and facing the bar. If I stared into her eyes any longer…

“Gee, I just got a drink. What is up with you?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I gave her a fake smile hoping to assure her.

Kat sighed deeply. “How’s work?” Now she was making small talk. It’s been a long time since things have been this awkward between us.

“Work’s good,” I replied vaguely, not looking at her, but keeping my eyes fixed on my drink before me. “How about yours?”

“I work at Starbucks,” she stated as if the answer should be obvious. The earth could have swallowed me right then and I wouldn’t have minded. It would have been perfect timing to be honest. I took a large gulp of my drink not that it helped at all in making me feel better.

“Gee, look at me,” Kat demanded.

I turned to face her, looking at her in fake innocence. “Is something wrong?”

“You’re acting weird. You’re not yourself.”

I laughed it off. “You’re imagining things. I’m fine.”

“First you disappear on me without so much as a word and now you’re being distant.It’s like you’re here physically, but otherwise you’re somewhere else. Something is up with you. Did Mikey or Ray say something or one of your friends? Is it Sarah?” She asked the last part after a short pause.

This time I actually laughed. “No, it’s not Sarah. Why would that matter?”

“Well, you cared about her, didn’t you?” Her eyes were searching my face for anything that could confirm her thoughts. At least I think that’s what she was looking for. She could’ve been looking for a hundred of answers that I would probably never give her.

“Yes, I did, but I haven’t spoken to her in months and I haven’t seen her for even longer than that. Why would she have anything to do with this?”

“So you admit that there is something going on?” she questioned me.

I turned away from her with a shake of my head. “No, Kat nothing is going on.” I downed the contents of my glass.

“You know, I honestly thought that you would trust me by now.” She looked disappointed.

“What?”

She sighed. “We’ve been friends for months now and you still don’t trust me enough to tell me when something is bothering you. You’d rather lie about it and you think I won’t notice. Newsflash, I’m not stupid. I’d like to think that I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right and right now, something isn’t right, but you refuse to tell me what it is. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.” She was upset with me. It bothered me.

I finally faced her and looked at her urgently. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I would love to tell you, but the circumstances for it are all wrong.” And you would hate me as soon as the truth came out.

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“That’s okay.” I looked down at my hands. I was not drunk enough for this conversation yet at the same time I wasn’t sober enough for it either. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation. It never should’ve come up. It was a bad topic for several reasons. We were both treading on dangerous ground and it allowed my thoughts to imagine the possibilities no matter how impossible it was. Those thoughts in themselves were the most dangerous, because it gave me hope and hope led to disappointment which in turn brought me back to my addictions. Also, thinking about the possibilities might lead me to do exactly what I did in that moment.

“Please tell me what’s wrong,” Kat begged and instead of telling her, I showed her. I leaned forward and my lips softly brushed against hers. It wasn’t even a split second before she pressed her hand against my chest and pushed me away, staring at me in shock.

“What are you doing?” she whispered wide-eyed. I waited for her to slap me or punch me or something, but she sat there frozen.

“Kat…” I tried, but she got up and stormed off.

Well, what the hell did I expect, that she was going to fall into my arms and declare her undying love for me? Get fucking real. I should’ve known better. I gulped down the last of her drink and left the bar as well. On my way home, I made sure to stock up for the night ahead, because it was going to be one long, lonely, miserable night.

*

Kat

I knew it! I knew that sooner or later this was going to happen! How could I have been so naïve to think that Gerard would be different and just keep things simple? No, things always had to become complicated. Simple was just that, too simple. He knew I was married! How could he do that? Why would he even begin to think that it was okay to kiss me? He honestly couldn’t have thought that I would be okay with it. I took a deep, long drag of my cigarette, hoping to calm myself down.

“Damn it!” I kicked the trash can in front of my house out of pure frustration. This happened every time. Every time I thought I could trust someone they had to prove me wrong. Gerard did it in the absolute worst way. That wasn’t completely true, but of all the people I hoped that he would be the one I could trust no matter what. “Great going, Gee. You had to go fuck up everything, because you’re so damn good at it,” I hissed to myself, dropping my cigarette butt in the driveway and stepping on it.

“You’re home early,” Dana noticed, coming in from the kitchen the second I burst through the front door.

“Hey,” I greeted him quietly already feeling the guilt of what happened claw at my insides. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t do anything wrong. Gerard was the one who kissed me. I stopped him as soon as I realized what was going on. I never led him on, not once.

“Are you okay?” He came over to me and looked at me almost worriedly. “You look… I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine.”

He looked at me with one eyebrow cocked. “You’re sober.”

I dropped my keys on the couch along with my jacket. “Is that such a big surprise?”

“It is.”

I couldn’t even take offense, because he was right, I was drunk most of the time. He rarely ever saw me sober anymore. It wasn’t my fault. Yes, I was the one who chose to cope this way, but it wouldn’t have been necessary if…

“Did you and your boyfriend have a fight?”

I was taken aback by his question. “Excuse me?”

“Why else would you be home early?”

I sighed. “Dana, you know as well as I do that I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m married to you, remember? You still kissed me this afternoon.”

“That may be, but do you seriously expect me to believe that you go out night after night and get drunk all by yourself? I don’t even want to know what you get up to in your drunken state.”

“Yes, I do expect you to believe me, because that’s exactly what I do. I drown my sorrows alone in a quiet bar night after night. It’s not like life holds much more pleasures for me than that.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“I didn’t say that,” I assured him. “But, Dana I’ve never been unfaithful to you and I never would be.” That was the truth. I loved him and would never dream about doing that to him.

“You could tell me, you know?” he insisted. “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming.”

“Get over it, Dana. I haven’t cheated on you in any condition, drunk or sober, and I’m not planning on it either which is more than I can say about you,” I muttered the last part. All I wanted was to go to bed and sleep. This day has turned into a disaster and right now I just wanted it to end.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dana demanded, his voice rising.

I laughed sardonically. “I’m not stupid so don’t even try to deny it. I know about your infidelity.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stated, turning away from me. I couldn’t believe he had so little respect for me that he couldn’t even be honest with me when I confronted him about it.

“Oh, come on, Dana! The late nights, the long weekends, it’s so damn obvious!” I exclaimed helplessly, because this was the exact reason I turned to alcohol in the first place. All the therapy in the world could not remove the image of my husband in another woman’s arms from my mind.

He spun around lividly to face me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve been working my ass off for you! I’m not doing everything for myself. I have to work all those long hours and late nights in order to take care of you, of both of us.”

“Whatever. I’m pretty sure the office slut Carrie makes it all worthwhile.”

I felt a sharp sting across my left cheek as he slapped me. My head whipped to the side from the force of his blow. This has never ever happened before. Dana has never raised his hand against me and it was the last thing I ever expected him to do. He wasn’t that guy. I looked at him in shock, too stunned to even reach up and touch my cheek. He stared back at me, his eyes wide and filled with both horror and fear.

“Kate, I’m so sorry,” he apologized, closing the gap between us, but I instinctively stepped back, the back of my legs hitting the couch. “I swear I would never hurt… I… I didn’t mean to. I don’t…”

My brain finally kicked back into action. I hurried around to the other side of the couch and grabbed my keys.

“Katherine, wait!” he begged, gently grabbing me by my shoulders.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I seethed, ripping myself from his grasp and fumbling with the front door handle.

“Babe, I’m so sorry!” he apologized. “Please…”

I glared at him one last time before running out the door. I couldn’t believe it, the two most important people in my life… They’ve both disappointed me beyond measure in less than half an hour. I ran down the street until I could hail a cab to take me back to the bar. I wasn’t even sure why I was going back there. I was mad at Gerard, but in the same instance, I didn’t want to be alone right now and he was the only other person I could go to and I knew he would understand. He wouldn’t ask questions. He would just be there for me. That was why I was so upset when he had kissed me earlier. Gerard was all I had aside from Dana and when he kissed me, I knew our friendship had reached its end. I would be alone again, but now, after what happened with Dana… I could forgive Gerard. I needed to.

When I arrived back at the bar, I couldn’t find Gerard anywhere. He must have left after what happened. I ran back outside again and started to walk in the direction of Gerard’s apartment, tears starting to sting my eyes. People stared at me as I pushed past them, but no one said anything. No one ever did. After what felt like an eternity, but was in reality only about fifteen minutes later, I finally reached Gerard’s place and knocked on the door. The door opened after a while and Gerard stood there looking at me confused, a look that was instantly replaced by worry as soon as he saw me.

“Kat, what happened?”

The male with the onyx colored hair didn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms and hug me tightly. That’s all I needed for the tears to start flowing and I started to sob onto his shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. He held onto me for a long time as I cried. I didn’t care about anything in that moment. It didn’t matter that we were still standing in the doorway of his apartment. It didn’t matter that Gerard had kissed me or that Dana had hit me. The tears running down my cheeks were for so much more than those two incidents. These tears were being cried for months and months of misery. It was for everything that has gone wrong in my life in the last two years which was pretty much everything.

After a long time, I felt my feet leave the floor when he lifted me up and stepped back inside the apartment in order to shut the door. I must have cried continuously for at least an hour before I calmed down enough to breathe and Gerard felt it safe to loosen his grip on me. He led me over to his couch and we sat down.

“What happened?” he wanted to know.

I groaned, dropping my head into my hand. “Dana and I had a huge fallout,” I muttered, sniffing.

I felt his hand give my shoulder a squeeze. “Are you okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I sighed miserably. After all that crying it felt like a mountain had been lifted from my shoulders. That still didn’t change the mess I was in. My husband hit me and my one and only friend seemed to have deeper feelings for me than just friendship. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“No, it’s okay. I told you I’m always here for you.”

“Everything I do gets so fucked up,” I said as more tears started to well up in my eyes.

“What are you talking about?” he asked confused.

“Everything. My entire life is a mess. My marriage is busy crashing and burning. I finally have a friend for the first time in years and I screw that up too,” I cried, but this time I quickly managed to suppress the new flood of tears.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier,” he quietly apologized.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it was wrong of me to kiss you. I know you’re married,” he continued. “I didn’t mean to… I mean, I did. I wanted to kiss you, but I shouldn’t have. I had no right. I still don’t know what came over me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I sniffed and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. His arms slowly wrapped around me too and I sighed contently. I already felt a lot calmer than I did a few minutes ago. I made the right decision coming here. He didn’t say anything and neither did I. I was exhausted from all the crying and thankfully my mind also seemed too tired to think about anything which was perfect, because I couldn’t possibly cry anymore. We didn’t move until we eventually fell asleep right there on the couch.

Notes