Addiction and Her Name

I woke up with my knees drawn up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them as if I had been trying to keep myself together in my sleep. My muscles were stiff from the position and I slowly disentangled my limbs. The surroundings reminded me that I wasn’t at home and suddenly all the memories from the night before came rushing back. I didn’t exactly have a peaceful night’s sleep, but for the first few waking moments I had actually forgotten about my messed up life. Gerard was somewhat sprawled out next to me on the couch, still very much asleep. It was the first time I ever saw him that peaceful. Although he hid his emotions well most of the times, there was always something in his eyes that gave him away, never completely, but enough to reveal the surface of his protective layer. It was comforting to know that at least he found peace in his sleep, because despite all his acting, he wasn’t okay either.

I slowly, carefully, got up off the couch, trying my best not to wake him up. His apartment wasn’t big and it was easy to find the bathroom. After using the toilet, I splashed some water on my face, hoping to feel better. It didn’t do much. It soon became clear that my intentions of making breakfast were not going to become a realization either, because all of his kitchen cupboards were empty. In total there were about half a loaf of stale bread and some eggs. Gerard was still fast asleep and I decided to find the nearest coffee shop and get some coffee and breakfast.

Outside the sun seemed too bright and as usual the streets were bustling with people. I didn’t really know the neighborhood, but in New York City it wasn’t too difficult to find a Starbucks. I fished a few dollar bills from my pocket, ordering two coffees, remembering that Gee only took one sugar with his, and some muffins. When I returned, I heard the shower water running. Gerard was awake. Curiosity got the better of me and I stole a sip of his coffee, instantly regretting it. Shit, his life would be a lot better if he used more sugar in his coffee, I thought, pulling a face at the bitter taste.

“That bad? I thought for sure Starbucks made the best coffee in the world,” Gerard said, making his appearance in the door and causing me to jump. He wore a pair of black jeans, a red shirt and his black hair was a wet mess. “Breakfast,” he noticed smiling. “You didn’t have to.”

I shrugged, “It was nothing. Oh, and you need to go shopping: your kitchen is empty.”

He chuckled, “I don’t do a lot of cooking.” Go figure.

We sat down at the table and started eating quietly. I was glad that the whole situation of the night before wasn’t brought up. It was almost as if none of it had ever happened.

“Do you want to hang out today?” Gerard asked, taking another bite from his muffin.

“Today?”

“It’s Saturday and I’m lazy as hell,” he informed me. “I thought maybe we can just go out and walk in the park or walk on the beach or occupy a table at some coffee shop for the rest of the day.”

I’d completely forgotten about the fact that it was Saturday. My schedule at work occupied every other Saturday. I had this one off. I could spend some time with him. It might be fun, take my mind off things. To be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I had fun.

“Okay,” I nodded. I didn’t miss how his entire being lit up when I agreed.

“Okay,” he smiled, playing with the wrapper around what was left of his muffin.

“Yeah, I just want to go home and change first.”

We finished our breakfast and then headed for my place. It was quite a long way away from his apartment and it took a while to get there.

“You can come in.”

“What about your husband?” he asked cautiously still standing on the pavement in front of our house.

“He’s away on some business trip,” I told him in a slightly sarcastic tone, because Dana’s idea of a business trip was definitely not the same as mine. He was probably off somewhere with his mistress doing… well, I could guess.

“I’ll be right back,” I told Gerard, heading to my bedroom.

I nearly got a heart attack coming into the room, because Dana was home. He lay sprawled out on the bed reeking of alcohol. I sighed disappointedly, because this wasn’t the guy I married. I had no idea what was going on with him. What happened the night before had been such a shock that I hadn’t been able to properly process it. Now that I had some sleep and time to absorb it, I knew that it hadn’t been Dana. Something was wrong with him and I had to find out what. Not right now.

I hurriedly, but quietly, grabbed some clothes and quickly took a shower in the downstairs bathroom. I made sure to cover up the slight shade of purple on my left cheek before returning to Gerard. He didn’t need to know the whole story of what happened the night before. Somehow I didn’t think he would take too kindly to the information.

“I’m ready,” I announced and we headed out the door.

*

The temperature outside was nice. There was a light breeze, but it wasn’t cold. As Gerard had suggested, we went to the park and it was nice. I hadn’t been to the park in forever.

“I like this park,” I told Gerard.

“You do? I’m not much of a nature lover, but I guess it’s nice,” he replied.

“It’s so open and free.” I stretched out my arms and turned in circles as if to emphasize my point. I didn’t grow up in the city and missed the open space. When I stopped my movements, I realized that Gerard was staring at me. I couldn’t really read his expression and had no idea what he was thinking. “What?”

He snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. “I was thinking that I haven’t seen my grandmother in a long time and that I should visit her.” There went my day of carefree fun.

“I want you to come with me,” he added.

I didn’t want to spend the day alone. I didn’t want to go home and relive the night before while Gerard was laughing with his grandmother and Dana was having a good time with Carrie. On the other hand I didn’t want to go with Gerard to visit his grandmother. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. I didn’t want to spend the day with someone looking down on me and judging my every move.

“No, you go. I’ll be fine. Spend some time with your grandmother. I know how much she means to you and how much you must miss her.” It was true, aside from Mikey, his grandmother was the person he talked most about. I knew without a doubt that she was one of the most important people in his life.

“What else are you going to do all day?” He gave me a small smile accompanied by a look that said don’t be ridiculous. “We’ll take the train down to Jersey, spend the day there and we’ll be back before dark. Please, I want you to meet my grandma. She’s very cool.”

He wasn’t going to let up and I reluctantly agreed. A little over an hour later, we got off the train at the station in Belleville, New Jersey. The place was slightly crowded since it was lunch time and people weren’t stuck in their offices at the current point in time. We stepped out onto the street and I could already feel the freedom from not being in the city anymore. I could tell I was in Jersey.

“Come on, this way,” Gerard spoke, taking a hold of my hand and heading in a direction. I didn’t know the place and allowed him to lead the way. It’s been a long time since I was in New Jersey, not since I left home with Dana.

“She’s going to love you and you her,” Gerard said excitedly. “She is probably the coolest person you’ll ever meet. She taught me everything I know.” This was the happiest I have ever seen him and we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Maybe it was a good thing that I came along even if it was only to see Gerard in a more natural environment.

“Don’t your parents live near here?” I asked wondering why he hasn’t mentioned them.

“Yeah, they live a couple of streets from my grandma, but the day won’t be long enough to see them too. I’ll come back another day to do that.”

I didn’t know whether he had a reason to avoid his parents, but I didn’t push the subject. Maybe he was simply excited to see his grandma and not in the mood for everyone else. We finally reached our destination, a little old house in the middle of the street. It seemed welcoming enough and I began to feel slightly more at ease. Gerard all but ran up the little garden path and knocked on the front door of his grandmother’s house. The door swung open after a few moments and an elderly woman appeared, smiling broadly as soon as she saw Gerard.

“This is a very nice surprise.”

“Hey, Grandma,” Gee grinned back and I’m pretty sure he almost broke the old woman in his hug. “This is my friend Kat. She’s also from the city.”

“It’s actually Katherine,” I told her. “Gerard’s the only person who calls me Kat.”

She moved aside to let us in. “Would you mind if I also called you Kat then, because you have a beautiful name, but these old lungs might decide to fail me at some point.”

“I don’t mind,” I smiled in response. “Anyway, you’re not old.”

“I am old. I’m seventy one,” she informed me, leading us to the kitchen. “And you can call me Elena.” She motioned for us to make ourselves at home while sitting down too. “What brings you two here?”

“I thought I haven’t seen you in a while and decided to come and see you,” Gerard answered.

“Yes, it has been a while. Your parents told me you were here a while ago.”

“It’s been almost three months again. Sorry I didn’t drop by. I hadn’t planned on coming home and once I did, there wasn’t really time to let everyone know and the weekend was over so fast.”

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters. So tell me, how did you two meet?” Elena asked this last part while rummaging through the fridge and pulling out a plate of cupcakes.

I kept quiet, not sure what Gerard wanted his grandma to know and what not. “I was waiting for some friends at a bar and we got talking.” I was surprised by his honest answer. “That was actually five months ago.” I hadn’t even realized that we had known each other that long.

“You’re probably best friends by now.”

“She’s a much better influence than all my other friends,” Gee chuckled. I sat in silence listening to their conversation. I hardly doubted that I was a better influence, although I haven’t drunk myself into the hospital like some of his friends have. It was an interesting theory though, that we were best friends. I guess we could be, especially considering that he was the only friend I had.

This was so strange, meeting Gerard’s grandmother. I could see why he was crazy about her as I listened to their conversation. They were like the same people, for the most part anyway. Their outlook on life and the way they saw the world were similar. Gerard tried to include me in their conversations, but most of the time I just sat there listening to them talking. I was fascinated and learned so much more about him. They talked about his family, who sounded like great people, about his old jobs – he used to work at Walmart, something I never would have been able to imagine. He reminisced about art school and got frustrated about how he wasn’t exactly getting to a place in his job where he wanted to be. He was completely at ease, something he rarely ever seemed to be back in New York. I couldn’t imagine that it was only me that he was uncomfortable around, because I was here now and it didn’t seem like a problem. Somehow their conversation had circled back to middle school and apparently he had played Peter Pan in the play, which was news and entertainment to me. Elena even dug out his green tights from one of the closets.

“Gran, why don’t you make some of your delicious coffee and I’ll run out and get us some take-aways for lunch.”

“I will do that. Here,” she dug some money out of her purse. “Make sure you get enough food. I don’t want either of you to starve and it doesn’t look like you eat much,” she berated him.

“Yes, Grandma.” With that he left the house and Elena made us coffee before we sat back down in the living room.

“So Gerard tells me you’re married?” Elena said with interest.

I nodded nervously, because the questions were starting now. Gerard wasn’t here right now which gave her a chance to interrogate me and tell me off.

“You’re still very young,” she observed.

“We married straight out of high school,” I admitted since she was going to ask eventually anyway. I shifted uncomfortably as she observed me from her place on the couch across from me.

“I’m sorry,” she suddenly apologized out of the blue and it was the sincerest apology I have ever heard. “You’ve had a difficult time, haven’t you?” I could see in her eyes that she knew exactly what was going on inside my head and it shocked me so much that I simply nodded numbly. “It’s not fair,” she continued with a deep sigh. “Life can sometimes be very cruel to people.”

I picked up the cup of coffee she had made, because I didn’t know what else to say, not that I wanted to continue with the current topic at all. Why did people always have to dig into your personal life? Then again, she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was showing interest and deep understanding for my situation. Gerard was truly blessed with this woman. She had a heart of gold. I took a sip of the coffee and my eyes widened infinitesimally. There was alcohol in it. I looked up and met her eyes on me once again.

Elena started talking. “Gerard came to visit a long time ago. It was nice seeing him especially since he’d been in the city for so long at that point in time. You get used to seeing someone almost every day and then all of a sudden it becomes something that happens only once every few months.” She stopped and took a sip of her own coffee. “Everything was great and we caught up on a lot of things that had happened during the time he’d been gone. I could tell that he was fidgety and… restless even. At first I thought he wasn’t used to sitting still so much, but he kept at it. He was trying to remain calm, but wasn’t very successful at that. I offered to make coffee and I added some whisky to his coffee. I wasn’t sure, but I had an idea. The look in his eyes when he had drunk the coffee and then looked at me… I knew I was right and I knew that he knew it too. I didn’t even have to say anything before he came out with the entire story. I had a feeling about you too,” she murmured. “It’s not something I could tell like I did with Gerard, though. You’re a lot more composed.” I gulped, almost feeling guilty.

“It’s not easy when someone you love very much admits to you that they have a drinking problem. It was a real shock to my system, I’ll be honest. However, I knew that the last thing he needed was a lecture from me. Gerard’s mind doesn’t function like everybody else’s. When he makes up his mind about something, you’ll have a hell of a time trying to change it. No, what he needed from me most at that point in time was acceptance. I think the only thing that helped me stay calm was my faith in him. I know Gerard and I know he will be okay, eventually. No one can force him to change his habits, but there will come a time when he’ll make the decision himself and he’ll be fine. All he needs is patience from everyone around him. Judging him won’t help.” I could see where Gerard’s wisdom came from. “The problem with people today is that they judge too easily. The thing is that they only see what their eyes see. They don’t look deeper than the external appearance and what’s sad about that is that they miss what’s important. Like Gerard, he will only let you see what he wants you to see. He has this appearance of calm and utmost control when in fact he’s completely lost inside. No one gets to see that. You have to really look to get even the tiniest glimpse of what’s really going on in his life.” She suddenly looked a lot older than she was. “Is he okay? Is he taking care of himself?”

I was taken aback by her questions and genuine concern. I nodded slowly. “I think he’s okay. He’s better than he was a little while ago.”

“He is? That’s good to hear?” she said in relief.

“Are you guys talking about me?” Gerard asked coming into the room with the biggest grin I have ever seen on his face. It was beautiful.

“Now why would we do that?” his grandmother said teasingly. “We were simply discussing the weather.”

“Let’s say I believe you,” he spoke, plopping down on the couch next to her and kissing her temple. “I don’t, but let’s say that I do.” He caught my eyes on him and he winked at me, still smiling. The fact that he seemed happy made me feel lighter inside, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders if only slightly. I was happy to see him happy. He should be happy like this more often. It was contagious and pretty soon we were all laughing heartily.

*

“Please, I insist,” I said, paying the cab driver. “That ought to cover his expenses home too.” The guy behind the steering wheel nodded and I got out. I met Gerard’s eyes through the cab window for about a moment and I could see numerous emotions displayed there, but what stood out was the flash of happiness. It was brief, but it was definitely there and it made me smile as the car drove off. That momentary sparkle in his eyes made my day.

I made my way towards the dark and lonely house that waited before me. I hated this house. When Dana and I married and first moved in here, it was our dream home, but after only a year, I was pretty certain that we both hated the place. It represented my very own purgatory. I couldn’t forget the empty days that had dragged on forever in silence while Dana was at work and I was stuck at home getting over the tragedy that had hit our marriage. I had never been more alone in my life which was sad, because that was exactly the point in time when I had needed him the most. I hadn’t even known about him and Carrie back then. I fit the role of the naïve little wife perfectly. Not for long though. I soon found my own escape at the bottom of several liquor bottles in the dives of the city.

The kitchen light that was on for some unexplainable reason drew me to it where I found Dana sitting at the kitchen table having dinner.

“You’re home,” I noticed. “I thought you were supposed to be away on business.”

He shook his head and my heart wrenched inside my chest unexpectedly. Despite what has happened between us, I still loved him and I still thought he was the most beautiful person on earth. “Katherine, please sit down. I really need to talk to you,” he spoke quietly.

I hesitated for a few seconds, because I had no idea what to expect. If he wanted to apologize again for the night before, he didn’t have to. It was done and he couldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t hold it against him. I pulled out a chair and sat down across from him.

He didn’t waste any time, getting straight to the point. “I’m really sorry about what happened last night. You know I would never lay a hand on you…”

“But you did.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” He sounded genuinely regretful.

“You did it, because it was your only defense at that point,” I gave my opinion. “You knew I was right when I accused you of cheating on me. You felt guilty and reacted. Besides that, I think you actually have feelings for your mistress and when I called her a slut you had the urge to defend her.”

He avoided making eye contact and looked down at his hands laced together in front of him on the table. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I’m right.” I had known I was right, but an actual admission always made things worse.

He looked up. “Kate, I’m really sorry. I promise I would never ever hurt you again.” He stood up and came over, crouching next to me and making sure that I was looking at him. Maybe he hoped that I would see the sincerity in his eyes as he talked. “I know things have been… We haven’t been… How do I put this?”

“Technically we’re not married,” I helped him remembering Gerard’s words.

He winced, but continued, “I guess that’s about right. I know we’re barely talking and we don’t see each other…”

“We’re not even sharing a room anymore,” I said quietly, looking away.

From the corner of my eye I could see him nod stiffly. “I know, but can we not carry on like this anymore. We used to be so in love. What happened?”

At this I couldn’t sit there anymore. It was all I could take. It was more than we had talked in months and I figured it was enough for one night.

“Katherine, wait! I’m sorry,” Dana called after me as I headed for my room.

“This is not my fault,” I cried, tears stinging my eyes as I turned back around in order to face him. “I didn’t ask for any of this. Losing our baby was not something I planned or had any control over.”

“I know.” He closed the space between us in two long strides and then he was standing in front of me, crushing me to his chest. “We should take better care of each other,” he breathed into my hair.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s much too late for that,” I told him, pulling away from him.

He sighed deeply. “I’m sorry that I’ve been unfaithful. I guess my guilty conscience is the reason I accused you of cheating. I know you’re not cheating on me. I’m done with that though. Things between me and Carrie… It’s done. It’s not worth losing you over something so simple and meaningless. I’m going to try to be a better husband. We can go back to what we used to be, you know, when we got married. We were happy.” He smiled hopefully.

“Things will never be the same again,” I interjected cynically. “Too much has happened.”

“Just accept the gesture please. We can work things out,” he tried again. “We can at least try. Even if things are not as they were, we’ll reach a place where it’s even better than before. We can do it.”

I wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were before everything seemed to go wrong. Maybe logic should have played a bigger role in my decision, but at that moment the self-preservation part of me won and I didn’t hesitate to accept his suggestion. I couldn’t keep carrying on the way I was. I would never survive. Dana could save me from myself and he would. “Okay.”

He gave me a small smile and pulled me into another hug. I wrapped my arms around him and sighed contentedly. I didn’t know if things will ever be right again between Dana and me, but I was willing to try and fix it. I missed this. I missed the feeling of being in his arms and being loved.

“Come on. It’s been a long day. Let’s go to bed,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders and leading me towards our bedroom, a bedroom I haven’t occupied in months.

I realized that we still had a lot to talk about as we lay in the dark with his arms wrapped tightly around me and his breathing deep and even in my ear while he slept peacefully. This realization was confirmed when I thought about that day and the different side of Gerard I had seen. He was actually happy for a change. Happy looked good on him. He was such an amazing person, but he didn’t always realize that. He needed someone to remind him that he was good and that everything was going to be okay. He wasn’t alone. He never needed to be alone.

Notes