Addiction and Her Name

I walked into Starbucks bright and early on Saturday morning to get coffee for me and the boys before we took a little road trip to New Jersey.

“Good morning,” I greeted Kat cheerily. “Three coffees please.”

“You should slow down on the caffeine or it will kill you before the alcohol does,” she joked over her shoulder while she filled three cups with coffee.

I chuckled, “They’re not all for me. The other two are for Ray and Mikey. We’re heading down to Jersey for this new outdoor music festival going on where some of Ray’s friends will be playing. We’re going to give them a listen and see who else is good.” I leaned forward on the counter with a happy smile.

“That sounds like fun.” Kat turned back with my order at the ready.

“You know, you should join us. I’m sure the guys won’t mind and then you will get to meet my brother.”

“Wouldn’t I need like a ticket to get in or something?”

“Ray got a handful of tickets. My friend Shawn was supposed to join us, but he had to bail because of work, so.” I pulled out an extra ticket and waived it in front of her. “It’s yours if you want it.”

“I don’t know…”

“It’ll be fun. You’ll either hear really good or really bad music all day long and you’ll get to meet some cool people. You’ll finish your shift and drive down to meet us there.”

“Wouldn’t it be weird with Ray and your brother?” she asked worriedly.

“Nah, they’re cool. Maybe you and Ray will find some common ground if you’re in a different environment from work?” I suggested. “If not, you’ll still have me,” I finished with a hopeful smile.

She looked skeptical, but accepted the ticket. “I’m only doing this because you’re going to make it worth my while.”

“Promise! All the info is on the ticket. Here.” I pulled a napkin closer and wrote my phone number down. “Call me when you get there and I’ll come find you. Then I’ll see you later,” I winked at her, grabbing the coffees off the counter and heading back out the door to where Ray and Mikey were waiting in the car. “This is going to be great.”

“I hope so,” Ray agreed, turning the key in the ignition and setting off towards our destination.

The weather was quite nice for a change, making us look forward to the whole event even more, knowing that we won’t be freezing our asses off. We reached our destination later than we expected due to the traffic. The festival grounds were already bustling with bodies and we stood in line for about half an hour before getting in. It looked like hundreds of stalls were set up all over and we set about getting some band merch and even talking to some of the new bands. They were cool and all really excited to be playing at the festival. As the day progressed I looked forward more and more to this whole outing. Our first show was Underoath and it absolutely rocked. The one that followed wasn’t quite that great. We were walking around in search for something to eat when my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Gee, it’s Kat. I’m here! Where are you?”

“Great!” I exclaimed. “It would be easier for me to find you than the other way around.”

“Probably. I just entered the grounds. I’m about three stalls in.”

“Okay, wait right there,” I told her, mouthing to the guys that I’ll find come find them again and pointing in the direction that I was going. The festival grounds weren’t the biggest and it was quick to find Kat. I snuck up behind her and poked her in the sides, making her jump.

“There you are! Hi!” She smiled, turning around to face me.

“You’re early,” I noted. “I only expected you to show up a lot later.”

“I didn’t have anywhere else to be after work so I came straight here.”

“The guys are this way.” I indicated the way with my head, starting to walk in the direction with Kat by my side. “To be honest, I didn’t think you were going to come.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s just… you didn’t seem too keen on the idea. Besides, maybe your husband wouldn’t like it or something.”

“It’s just a couple of shows. I’ll be back later. Why wouldn’t he be okay with it?”

I felt stupid for bringing it up. Of course he wouldn’t have an issue with her spending some time with friends. That last word suddenly seemed to have a lot more meaning to it than it used to. I was relieved to see my brother and Ray ahead of us.

“Hey guys!” The pair stopped in their tracks and turned around.

“Where did you disappear to?” Mikey wanted to know as I approached them.

“Hey, Mikes I’d like you to meet Kat. This is my brother Mikey.”

Mikey looked surprised by the unexpected introduction. I forgot to tell them that I had invited her too. He also seemed surprised by her, not that I was exactly sure why.

“It’s actually Katherine. Gee just insists on calling me that.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Mikey said, remembering his manners.

“You invited her?” Ray asked me and I nodded. “That’s cool. I hope you’re ready to have some fun,” he said to Kat and I was grateful that he was at least making an attempt to get along with her. I still couldn’t get why he didn’t like her. I guess it was just one of those things.

“That’s what I came here to do.”

“We were looking for something to eat,” Mikey informed her. “Are you hungry?”

“Sure.”

The rest of the day was fun. I had a blast at least. It was a change from the usual which was very welcome. We got an overdose of sweaty bodies and stale beer along with some great shows and others not so great. The temperatures dropped as the sun went down. Bands were still playing, but we were starving and a place to sit down and stuff our faces. Afterwards we did some more exploring of the grounds. Sometime during this trip, Kat and I got separated from the guys and found ourselves sauntering around what seemed to be the tent area of some of the bands.

“I’m glad I decided to come after all. Today was fun,” Kat said as her arms swayed back and forth at her sides while we waited inside one of the tents for someone to bring us more beer.

“So you were planning on ditching me!” I said, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

“No!” She looked down embarrassed. “It wasn’t about ditching you. I simply wasn’t comfortable with the idea of spending the day with you and your brother and Ray.”

“Why not?”

“I hardly know them and you know how Ray feels about me.”

“Why is that?”

“Ray not liking me? I think it has something to do with you. Ray has never been my biggest fan, but ever since I started spending time with you, it’s been different.”

“I should definitely talk to him. It’s ridiculous that he’s mean to you simply because he doesn’t like us being friends.”

“No, Gee let it go. It doesn’t bother me. It never has. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Why would Ray be any different? Besides, I don’t want you two fighting over me.”

“Too late,” I muttered under my breath.

“There you guys go.” One of our newly made friends handed us each a plastic cup of beer. “This is much better than the shit they’ve been selling all day. We brought our own stuff.”

“Thank heavens,” Kat murmured, taking a swig. “This is much better. This is what real beer should taste like.” I watched her make a slight face at the bitter taste before she took a drag from her cigarette.

“So are you both from New Jersey?” Keith asked.

“I grew up in Jersey, but we’re here from New York City,” I explained.

“Oh, you’re a walking cliché. You’re one of those Jersey kids who thought going to the Big Apple would make you some hot shot. People like you normally get spat back out. I’m not saying the same will happen to you. You at least seem like you have your head screwed on right. You know the difference between this and that. The possibility is still there though. How about you, Cutie?” His attention turned to Kat and I glowered at the way he talked to her.

“I’m also from the city,” Kat responded, clearly feeling uncomfortable at how close he was standing to her.

“Is that all I’m going to get from you?” She didn’t say anything and he laughed. “Okay, are you guys like together or something, because it doesn’t look like it.”

We shook our heads in unison. “No, we’re just friends.”

“Then you’re free to hang around with me,” he grinned, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m married,” she said coldly, pulling away from him. “Gee, can we go?”

“Yes,” I happily agreed. This guy was seriously getting on my nerves. He should’ve kept his creepy stares and his hands to himself. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know that guy was such a creep.” I apologized.

“You couldn’t have. I also thought he was nice at first. It goes to show that you shouldn’t trust people before you get to know them.”

“Is that why it took so long for you to take a liking to me?”

“Who says I like you?” she countered with a smile.

“How else do you explain spending so much time with me?” The sun had gone down by now and the number of people roaming about has decreased.

She chuckled, but didn’t answer me.

“While we’re talking, I have a question for you. I think we’re at a better place now for me to ask it than before. Why are you married?” I honestly wanted to know why, because the whole thing bothered me. Ever since Ray mentioned me having feelings for Kat, I’ve been unable to stop thinking about her. He pointed out that she was attractive even though that was the understatement of the century. She was gorgeous. She was the most beautiful person in the world and she was married.

“That’s a bit of an odd question, don’t you think?”

“You’re only twenty years old. I can’t figure out why you would get married at such a young age unless it was a spur of the moment thing like a Vegas wedding.”

Kat laughed as she stepped over a tent pen. “Interesting theory, but no, we didn’t have a Vegas wedding. That’s really not my style. Dana and I got married because we loved each other. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and we didn’t see the point in waiting.” He was the love of her life. There went any chance I ever had.

“But why? What’s so great about him?” I pressed the matter lifting a line of tape for her to go under it before I followed.

“He’s a great guy,” she shrugged, smiling. I would sell my soul for one of those smiles. “We attended the same boarding school. He was my senior by two years. He was one of my friends’ cousin. He started sneaking me letters between classes and then it was a matter of spending time together. We began studying together, different subjects of course, but it was a nice little motivation to put in some effort when you weren’t alone. Eventually we started dating. After his graduation, Dana went to Columbia to do his MBA which was kind of perfect, because that way we were both still in the city. By the end of my senior year, we were madly in love. When he asked me to marry him I didn’t even have to think about it before saying yes.” Her blue eyes sparkled as she talked about him. I could tell that she loved him very much. “We got married shortly after I graduated.”

“Now you barely see each other,” I couldn’t help pointing out, causing her to frown. “Well, you’re at work all day and after that you go out and get wasted with me. Do you even ever see each other at all?” I wondered.

“We see each other when he comes home from work early.” We reached the side of one of the ongoing shows. There were still hundreds of people watching the band performing and from where we stood, we could barely see the band.

“I know I’ve never been married or anything, but I don’t think that that’s how a marriage should work. Marriage shouldn’t survive off left over time,” I gave my opinion.

“Maybe not, but what else is there to do? He’s busy. He works at his dad’s company and at the end of the day he has to attend evening classes in order to complete his degree. Things don’t just happen. You have to work hard to achieve your goals in life. That’s what he’s doing and I support him one hundred percent. It’s not like it’s forever.”

We stepped away from the noise and continued in a different direction.

“Maybe we don’t spend a lot of quality time together, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other anymore. Dana is a good husband and he takes good care of me.”

I frowned deeply to myself. How well was he really taking care of her if he let her go out every night to get drunk?

“Technically speaking you’re not even really married anymore.”

“I don’t mind. There’s really no reason for us to get a divorce. We’re both content with our current relationship,” she explained.

I sighed. “That’s good. I don’t understand it, but it’s good that you’re okay with it. I just want you to be happy. If you ever decide that you’ve had enough and you need a place to stay, just knock on my door.”

“Thanks,” she replied smiling. “I know I can always count on you.”

“You can,” I said. “Some more bad beer?” I offered, approaching one of the tents and pulling out my wallet.

“Sure, why not?” she smiled, coming to stand beside me. We waited for our drinks and then stepped away from the tent.

“What happened to Ray and your brother? Don’t you think we should go find them?” Kat asked.

“You’re a lot more relaxed when they’re not around. I like that better.”

“Don’t you think they’ll worry? Besides, what if they want to leave?”

“Fine,” I sighed over-dramatically. “You’re such a spoil sport. We could’ve had more fun. Instead we’re going to have to explain to them why we’ve had too much to drink and they’ll probably assume that that was the reason we disappeared, to go drinking.”

“You’re going to have to do all that no matter when we see them again,” she told me. The lights from one of the stages played across her face and it was stunning. I wanted to rip Ray’s fucking head off. This was entirely his fault. He made me aware of Kat as a person and not just as the girl I was spending time with. Shit… I guess I couldn’t blame Ray. It was my own fault. He was right, I should’ve seen this coming. I was drawn to her from the beginning. It was the only way to explain why I was so desperate for her acceptance, why I always went out of my way to get her to not be mad at me. We were both messed up in our own ways. We were perfect for each other.

At this point I was falling for her. I was falling hard and fast. I just had to keep in mind that she was married. Oh, how I hated that fact! Why in the hell was she married?? Oh, right, her husband was smart enough to realize how perfect she was and made sure to make her his own. Lucky bastard. Why did she have to be married?

“Why did you come?” I wondered.

“What?”

“You didn’t have to come here. Why did you?” I knew I had alcohol in my system, because I was thinking things and asking questions that I never would’ve had I any degree of sobriety left in me.

“I thought we just talked about it,” she replied shortly and I knew that I had crossed some invisible boundary.

“I’m only curious.”

“I just told you that Dana will be at his evening classes. You were going to be here. What else was I supposed to do, spend the night alone in some dirty bar?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest in an almost defensive manner.

“Of course not.” I wanted to inquire further as to why she didn’t spend time with friends or anyone else, but then I remembered a conversation from some time ago that implied that she didn’t have any of those. As far as I could tell she wasn’t close to her family or at least, if she was, they didn’t live in New York. That meant that the only people in her life were me and her husband, who never seemed to be around.

“If you didn’t want me here, you shouldn’t have invited me.”

I was taken aback by her words.

“No, that’s not at all it! Kat, I wanted you here, more than anything.”

“Then what’s with the inquisition?” she wanted to know.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m only trying to understand.”

“What’s not to understand?” I couldn’t pinpoint whether she was upset, mad or annoyed. “We’ve been having a good time all day and now that you have a little too much alcohol in your system you’re suddenly brave enough to ask questions that you well know not to?”

“I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

We walked a few feet in silence and I cursed myself for being the idiot I was.

“I don’t understand you,” Kat started again. “You never cared about any of this before. Why do you want so much insight into my life all of a sudden?”

How was I supposed to answer that? Should I tell her that I didn’t see her as only my drinking buddy anymore? That was definitely not going to go down smoothly.

“I want to get to know you better. Is that such a sin?” I’ve always had a way of turning a situation in my favor. This time wasn’t any different.

She looked down. “No, it’s not. It’s so out of the blue, though.”

“Then I’ll say it’s about time.”

“Okay.” She smiled faintly.

“Let’s go find the others,” I suggested also offering her a smile in return, hoping to salvage the rest of the day after I probably ruined it with my annoying questions.

We didn’t immediately go looking for the rest of our group. Instead we stopped by several tents and stalls, getting a lot to drink and even smoke. A lot later, the festival goers were starting to leave and the stages were about to be broken down since the last bands finished playing. Stalls were being packed up and bands were loading their gear back into their vans, ready to hit the road to the next show.

“There you guys are!” Ray’s voice called from behind and we spun around to see him and Mikey hurrying in our direction. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Aw, Ray did you miss us?” Kat asked sweetly and I giggled. He would never miss her.

“Have you guys been drinking again?” he asked sternly.

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“Can we go?” Mikey asked with a deep sigh.

“Hey, Kat’s coming with us,” I told them.

“Why? Where’s her car?”

“I came with the bus and I don’t have any money for a ticket back,” she admitted sheepishly.

“You wasted it all on alcohol,” Ray muttered under his breath.

“Let’s just go,” Mikey insisted, walking ahead without us.

“They’re mad,” I whispered loudly to Kat who giggled in response.

We obediently followed our annoyed companions, giggling as we went. We finally reached Ray’s car and Kat and I got in the backseat. Kat began to poke at my sides. I was extremely ticklish and cried out in laughter not caring that we were probably bothering the guys in the front of the car.

“Stop, I’m going to wet myself!”

“Ew!” Kat immediately stopped, but sat back still laughing at me.

“I’m so tired,” I murmured, turning and resting my head on her shoulder.

“Then go to sleep.”

“I think I will,” I sighed, closing my eyes.

*

I woke up at the sound of Ray and Mikey’s voices. They were trying to get Kat to wake up in order for her to give Ray directions to her house. Her head was resting on mine and she was fast asleep. I gently shook her shoulder.

“Kat,” I said groggily.

“Hm?” The girl sleepily lifted her head and looked around confused.

“I need directions to your house,” Ray spoke from the front of the car.

“Oh, uhm,” she swallowed and rubbed at her eyes. “Turn right up ahead…”

I spaced out and stared out the window at the streets of New York. It was a lot quieter than it was during the day. It was almost peaceful aside from the people still sauntering around along the sidewalks. We entered a residential area and finally stopped in front of an average sized house. There was nothing flashy about it, but I could tell that they were doing well.

“Thanks for the ride. Bye. I’ll talk to you later, Gee.” She stumbled out of the car and up the sidewalk.

Ray waited until she was inside before driving off. The sound of the wheels on the road was almost overwhelming and I wondered why the radio was off. The silence was broken by Ray’s voice.

“You have to end this.”

“What?” I asked confused. I just woke up and I was slightly hung-over.

“She’s fucking married!” he hissed.

“I know that!” The fog of drowsiness that clouded my mind cleared almost instantly.

“Do you? And do you know what that means? You can never be with her. Nothing can happen between you two.”

“Good, because nothing is going to happen,” I retorted. “We’re just friends.”

“Are you? Can you honestly tell me that you and Katherine are just friends?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but he simply continued. “Because you’re not.”

“He’s right, Gee. I see the way you look at her,” Mikey agreed.

“The sad part is you don’t even see it!” Ray exclaimed. “You are so oblivious to your own damn feelings. She’s not good for you.”

“Gee, maybe you should consider letting her go.”

“No!”

“Why not?” they demanded simultaneously.

“Because,” I hesitated. “I’m all she has.”

“She’s married, Gerard,” Ray reiterated. “She has a husband. She doesn’t need you.”

“Yes, she does!” I insisted almost desperately, not sure whether I was trying to convince them or myself. I was certain that she needed me and if not, I needed her.

“She’s bad for you!” Mikey practically yelled.

“First of all, the fact that she’s always with you shows how little respect she has for her marriage.”

“It’s not like that,” I muttered. “We have an understanding.”

“You’re a mess.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m always a fucking mess. It’s not her fault. You don’t know her like I do!”

“Do you even know her at all?” Mikey asked.

“I don’t have to defend the situation. You guys can’t change my mind. I know what I know and that’s all that matters. I know what’s important.”

“Yes, your own life.”

“Friendship is…”

“You’re deluded. Maybe if you weren’t drunk all the time you’ll be able to see what we’re trying to tell you.”

I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest.

“Gerard…”

“Drop it, okay!”

“Not this time. It’s time that you listen,” Ray stated. “You can’t run away this time.”

“Stop the car.”

“You need to pull yourself together. You need to clean up and you have to get away from Katherine. You’re going down a dangerous path and it won’t have a happy ending.”

“Stop the damn car!” I demanded.

“You’re going to get hurt one way or another.”

“I swear if you don’t stop this fucking car, I’ll jump.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and I got out.

“Gerard, don’t be ridiculous. Get back in the car,” Mikey told me.

“No, I’ll walk the rest of the way.” I started in the direction of my apartment, but stopped and turned to say one last thing. “You guys don’t understand. You don’t know a single thing, okay. I’m fucking fine. I need you to accept that and leave me the fuck alone.” I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets, pulling my shoulders up against the cold and trudging my way home. Finally, Ray’s car drove past me and I watched his taillights fade. They didn’t know anything. They couldn’t change me even if they wanted to. I was going to be fine. I had to be.

Notes

Hey, guys!
This update took a little longer. Sorry! My exams recently finished so I'll hopefully update weekly again as promised.
I hope the chapter makes up for the wait.
xoxo
P.S. Thanks for the feedback so far! I appreciate it!