Unpublished
A secret life
Gerard’s POV november2002
I had a secret life now. Frank and I, we got… associated with each others mouths. When I was with him, it was like a secret life that I couldn’t tell anyone about. Like I’m not gay, never have been, but it was like there was this little sliver of me that might have been, that was screaming to be satisfied.
It still wasn’t “safe” to be alone, but it didn’t matter, we both still cared about Lyn and Jamia, but this was for us, and we agreed that it was our own little secret. He was my own dirty little secret, and I loved it. When I was with Lyn, I felt alive, cared about, loved and worth somebody’s time. I knew she loved me, and she’d never do anything to hurt me. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her right? With Frank, it was exciting and interesting, like an adrenaline rush, I didn’t need the pills when I was with him, he replaced the pills. But when you’re high, you’ve always got to come down.
I walked into Frank’s house, he sat on the bed with his guitar playing Early Sunsets, “hey babe,” I smiled closing the door behind me.
“What’s up big guy?” Frank smiled this huge smile that stretched all the way across his face. We were supposed to be working on the music, but Frank and I both knew that wouldn’t be happening. It was just what we told everyone else to get them off our backs. For weeks we’d used that excuse twice a week. It was maybe two months before it got out of hand.
I put my knee on the bed as I pushed him back. I took the guitar from beside us and layed it gently on the floor. This was my time, and I was going to take advantage of it.
Frank’s POV
I think there’s a difference between loving someone mentally and physically. I love Jamia no doubt about it, but mentally is all; I don’t love her physically like I do Gerard, the more time I spent with him the more I wondered and questioned how I felt. I was confused but I wasn’t going to let that keep me from enjoying my time with him.
I could tell the guys were kind of confused when we stopped avoiding each other, but they got used to it.
There was this one day, that we both saw coming. Gerard and I were watching a movie, kind of. Things were getting hot, just as I let my hands touch his skin after putting his Misfit’s T-shirt on the floor, Mikey walked in.
Gerard jolted up, I fell to the other side of the couch. This was bad and we both knew it. Our reflexes weren’t fast enough. Mikey didn’t just see shirtless Gerard, which would usually be acceptable, but he saw shirtless me, on top of shirtless him, which wasn’t at all ok.
“What the fuck?!” Mikey waited a moment before expressing his disgust.
“Mikey,” Gerard said standing up “I-”
“Shut up!” Mikey shouted, “What happened to you? I thought you were fucking the whore!”
“Mikey what’s wrong with you?” Gerard was obviously hurt when I looked at his face.
“Don’t even talk to me. You’re nothing more than a disgusting fag,” he spat the word at him.
“What happened to my little brother I love? I’m still your big brother, who took you to that concert, who loves you and has been here your whole life,” I could hear Gerard’s voice crack with pain. What had I done? I was afraid I messed up the best relationship Gerard ever had.
“Well he’s gone, and obviously so is that big brother,” Mikey scowled, his eyes refused to meet Gerard’s.
“Fine, I’m leaving since you obviously don’t want me so much,” Gerard grabbed his shirt off the floor. I watched him reach into his pocket to grab his pills as he left the building.
“Why is it ok for me to be gay but not him?” My voice was kind despite my anger.
“You’re not my goddamned brother!” Mikey wouldn’t face me.
“But accord to you, I’m fucking him,” I pointed out matter of factly.
“What does it matter? You’re not my brother and I don’t have to live with you.”
“But you want to live with him don’t you?”
“Well of course, he’s been my best friend my whole life,” Mikey wouldn’t look at me but I could hear the tears in his voice.
“Well he’s about to kill himself, he’s probably taken sic pills, foun a bottle of vodka by now, and is about to overdose ion three more pills., because without you, he’s pretty sure he’s nothing, and without you,” I paused as he absorbed what I said, “He’s pretty sure he has nothing to live for.”
Mikey looked at me, I could see it in his eyes as the information sunk in, his mind processed the information, and his eyes changed with fear. The reason he is living in this town is because Gerard was not, and is not afraid to kill himself. That really wasn’t what he wanted, he may have disapproved, but he didn’t love him any less.
Mikey left to chase down his, most likely, now drunken brother.
Mikey’s POV
I didn’t know how anyone could be gay, it didn’t make sense to me, and I definitely never expected Gerard to take up such habits. It was gross and disturbing. When Frank said he might just kill himself over this it scared me, and completely erased all my homophobic issues with my brother.
I loved Gerard, more than anyone, if I was forced to choose between Alicia, my girlfriend, and him, there would be no hesitation on who I would choose. We’d get through this. I would respect his activities, and he would respect my opinion, like he always did. There would be no flaunting, and judging would be avoided.
Gerard’s POV
When Mikey talked to me like that, I thought my heart would implode. I hadn’t seen that look in his eye before. He was sensitive toward anyone’s opinions and actions, but obviously not toward this. The way he looked at me made me think he would never forgive me and damn me to hell.
I wasn’t going to take the abuse, so I left. He didn’t want me, as much as it hurt, I got the message. He didn’t want me around, if Mikey didn’t want me, it didn’t matter if anyone else did.
Frank was almost right, I had taken eight pills, four left to overdose, and I was on my way to find the Vodka. I owe my life to frank. If he hadn’t said exactly what he said, Mikey never would’ve come to fine me, and I would have killed myself. Whatever Frank said hit the spot, and Mikey knew what he did and what I was doing.
“Gerard?!” I could hear Mikey’s shouts in the distance, “Gerard god damn it come here!” The shouts grew louder and closer as I walked hazily.
“What the fuck do you want?!” I turned around hitting my hand against my thigh.
“Don’t,” Mikey panted slightly as he stood in front of me, “hurt yourself.”
“Why not?” I questioned, “You hate me, and I’m some worthless fuck.”
“Gerard, I need you, I may not approve of these new found habits, but that doesn’t mean your not still my best friend.”
“Michael, I’m not gay,” I didn’t even attempt to hide my tears. He obviously didn’t take what I said seriously, considering I was pretty stoned. “I’m not gay, never have been always will be. This thing with Frank, it brings out a different side of me, and a different feeling I’ve never had, all I’m doing is exploring it. I’m not gay, and I don’t need you thinking I am. Ok?”
“You’re right, you’re not. Not in my eyes,” I grew irritated with that comment, because I knew he wasn’t taking me seriously, “If you don’t go flaunting it around, I’ll be ok, even if you just… ease me into it, I may find it tolerable.”
I felt a smile creep across my face, even if he hadn’t really listened, it was okay, and this was an improvement. Mikey was trying to change for me, become a better person, for me.
“All I have is one request,” Mikey pulled me into his arms.
“Anything,” I mumbled into his shoulder.
“Break up with Lyn-z,” Mikey paused, “It’s not fair to do this to her. No one deserves this. Imagine if she cheated on you with Jamia, you would hate that.”
I gave him nothing in return.
“Tell her what you want, but if you don’t tell her I will, and it will be nothing but the truth.”
“You’re right,” I nodded as I pulled away, “I’ll break it off this week.” What I was doing wasn’t fair to Lyn, and I knew it this whole time.
I had a secret life now. Frank and I, we got… associated with each others mouths. When I was with him, it was like a secret life that I couldn’t tell anyone about. Like I’m not gay, never have been, but it was like there was this little sliver of me that might have been, that was screaming to be satisfied.
It still wasn’t “safe” to be alone, but it didn’t matter, we both still cared about Lyn and Jamia, but this was for us, and we agreed that it was our own little secret. He was my own dirty little secret, and I loved it. When I was with Lyn, I felt alive, cared about, loved and worth somebody’s time. I knew she loved me, and she’d never do anything to hurt me. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her right? With Frank, it was exciting and interesting, like an adrenaline rush, I didn’t need the pills when I was with him, he replaced the pills. But when you’re high, you’ve always got to come down.
I walked into Frank’s house, he sat on the bed with his guitar playing Early Sunsets, “hey babe,” I smiled closing the door behind me.
“What’s up big guy?” Frank smiled this huge smile that stretched all the way across his face. We were supposed to be working on the music, but Frank and I both knew that wouldn’t be happening. It was just what we told everyone else to get them off our backs. For weeks we’d used that excuse twice a week. It was maybe two months before it got out of hand.
I put my knee on the bed as I pushed him back. I took the guitar from beside us and layed it gently on the floor. This was my time, and I was going to take advantage of it.
Frank’s POV
I think there’s a difference between loving someone mentally and physically. I love Jamia no doubt about it, but mentally is all; I don’t love her physically like I do Gerard, the more time I spent with him the more I wondered and questioned how I felt. I was confused but I wasn’t going to let that keep me from enjoying my time with him.
I could tell the guys were kind of confused when we stopped avoiding each other, but they got used to it.
There was this one day, that we both saw coming. Gerard and I were watching a movie, kind of. Things were getting hot, just as I let my hands touch his skin after putting his Misfit’s T-shirt on the floor, Mikey walked in.
Gerard jolted up, I fell to the other side of the couch. This was bad and we both knew it. Our reflexes weren’t fast enough. Mikey didn’t just see shirtless Gerard, which would usually be acceptable, but he saw shirtless me, on top of shirtless him, which wasn’t at all ok.
“What the fuck?!” Mikey waited a moment before expressing his disgust.
“Mikey,” Gerard said standing up “I-”
“Shut up!” Mikey shouted, “What happened to you? I thought you were fucking the whore!”
“Mikey what’s wrong with you?” Gerard was obviously hurt when I looked at his face.
“Don’t even talk to me. You’re nothing more than a disgusting fag,” he spat the word at him.
“What happened to my little brother I love? I’m still your big brother, who took you to that concert, who loves you and has been here your whole life,” I could hear Gerard’s voice crack with pain. What had I done? I was afraid I messed up the best relationship Gerard ever had.
“Well he’s gone, and obviously so is that big brother,” Mikey scowled, his eyes refused to meet Gerard’s.
“Fine, I’m leaving since you obviously don’t want me so much,” Gerard grabbed his shirt off the floor. I watched him reach into his pocket to grab his pills as he left the building.
“Why is it ok for me to be gay but not him?” My voice was kind despite my anger.
“You’re not my goddamned brother!” Mikey wouldn’t face me.
“But accord to you, I’m fucking him,” I pointed out matter of factly.
“What does it matter? You’re not my brother and I don’t have to live with you.”
“But you want to live with him don’t you?”
“Well of course, he’s been my best friend my whole life,” Mikey wouldn’t look at me but I could hear the tears in his voice.
“Well he’s about to kill himself, he’s probably taken sic pills, foun a bottle of vodka by now, and is about to overdose ion three more pills., because without you, he’s pretty sure he’s nothing, and without you,” I paused as he absorbed what I said, “He’s pretty sure he has nothing to live for.”
Mikey looked at me, I could see it in his eyes as the information sunk in, his mind processed the information, and his eyes changed with fear. The reason he is living in this town is because Gerard was not, and is not afraid to kill himself. That really wasn’t what he wanted, he may have disapproved, but he didn’t love him any less.
Mikey left to chase down his, most likely, now drunken brother.
Mikey’s POV
I didn’t know how anyone could be gay, it didn’t make sense to me, and I definitely never expected Gerard to take up such habits. It was gross and disturbing. When Frank said he might just kill himself over this it scared me, and completely erased all my homophobic issues with my brother.
I loved Gerard, more than anyone, if I was forced to choose between Alicia, my girlfriend, and him, there would be no hesitation on who I would choose. We’d get through this. I would respect his activities, and he would respect my opinion, like he always did. There would be no flaunting, and judging would be avoided.
Gerard’s POV
When Mikey talked to me like that, I thought my heart would implode. I hadn’t seen that look in his eye before. He was sensitive toward anyone’s opinions and actions, but obviously not toward this. The way he looked at me made me think he would never forgive me and damn me to hell.
I wasn’t going to take the abuse, so I left. He didn’t want me, as much as it hurt, I got the message. He didn’t want me around, if Mikey didn’t want me, it didn’t matter if anyone else did.
Frank was almost right, I had taken eight pills, four left to overdose, and I was on my way to find the Vodka. I owe my life to frank. If he hadn’t said exactly what he said, Mikey never would’ve come to fine me, and I would have killed myself. Whatever Frank said hit the spot, and Mikey knew what he did and what I was doing.
“Gerard?!” I could hear Mikey’s shouts in the distance, “Gerard god damn it come here!” The shouts grew louder and closer as I walked hazily.
“What the fuck do you want?!” I turned around hitting my hand against my thigh.
“Don’t,” Mikey panted slightly as he stood in front of me, “hurt yourself.”
“Why not?” I questioned, “You hate me, and I’m some worthless fuck.”
“Gerard, I need you, I may not approve of these new found habits, but that doesn’t mean your not still my best friend.”
“Michael, I’m not gay,” I didn’t even attempt to hide my tears. He obviously didn’t take what I said seriously, considering I was pretty stoned. “I’m not gay, never have been always will be. This thing with Frank, it brings out a different side of me, and a different feeling I’ve never had, all I’m doing is exploring it. I’m not gay, and I don’t need you thinking I am. Ok?”
“You’re right, you’re not. Not in my eyes,” I grew irritated with that comment, because I knew he wasn’t taking me seriously, “If you don’t go flaunting it around, I’ll be ok, even if you just… ease me into it, I may find it tolerable.”
I felt a smile creep across my face, even if he hadn’t really listened, it was okay, and this was an improvement. Mikey was trying to change for me, become a better person, for me.
“All I have is one request,” Mikey pulled me into his arms.
“Anything,” I mumbled into his shoulder.
“Break up with Lyn-z,” Mikey paused, “It’s not fair to do this to her. No one deserves this. Imagine if she cheated on you with Jamia, you would hate that.”
I gave him nothing in return.
“Tell her what you want, but if you don’t tell her I will, and it will be nothing but the truth.”
“You’re right,” I nodded as I pulled away, “I’ll break it off this week.” What I was doing wasn’t fair to Lyn, and I knew it this whole time.
I love how you added real interviews, and real events, and dates,
and ugh, I just fucking love this so fucking much,
I spent my whole day reading this.
You made it sound like it is in fact what happened, if not somewhat close to what actually happen.
---sorry for the weridness, I just freaking love this.
6/25/13