Chapter 14
Lyn-z POV
September 2002
I was losing him; I thought for sure he was falling out of my grasp. Gerard and I had been dating for five months, counting down to six. Ever since Mikey joined the band, he’s practically been dating the band… and Frank, rather than me. If I lost him, I don’t know what I would do. I was a lonely person as it was, and the icecream wasn’t enough anymore. Gerard and I have never had sex, but we’ve gotten close, I guess. I know he doesn’t want that life yet, and I respect that. He said, “I don’t want to be like the rest, I don’t want to be anymore of a scumbag than I already am. I don’t want sex blurring my vision and changing me into some wild animal.” Gerard was wise in that sense, but my vision had already been blurred. My craving to be pleasure increased, rather than decreased, with time
There was a nock at my door, great. I had been crying and my makeup was surely streaming down my face. My irritation grew as I approached the door, “What do you want?!” I through the door open, “Josh…” my voice lowered as my eyes connected with his piercing blue ones. Those eyes reminded me of what I loved in him, and why it killed me when he left.
“Hey Lyn,” he smiled weakly, sadness tainting his expression.
“C- Come in,” I stuttered his presence still made me nervous even after his absence and the pain her caused. “Wh- what do you need?” I closed the door and hugged my sides as he walked in.
“Can’t a guy want to revisit his past?”
I shook my head with a giggly, stupid, smirk, he knew I was joking. Josh was different from Gerard, blonde, blue eyed, wealthy, and smart, everyone knew and loved him. He had control of everyone with his popularity, and if not that, with money. Josh was so far out of this little, emo whore’s league, it was unreal. He was everything Gerard wasn’t Josh’s eyes were kind, and inviting. His eyes were nothing less than deceiving as well. “I missed you,” I choked, as I thought about him and my life, how it changed when he came in, when he left, how much he had meant to me, how much he did for me, how much I needed him here. How his parents transferred him to some fancy ass, stuck up, boarding school. He loved it here, he told me that, he loved it here, he loved his friends, he loved the school, and most importantly he loved me. Josh had grown since I last saw him, only making him more attractive, more masculine, and whole lot more inviting.
“What’s wrong baby?” Josh put his hands gently on my shoulders as he brushed them with his fingertips, gently. “Mhmmmm,” I shook my head as I said everything was fine. My words contradicted my actions. I bit my lip as tears puddle my eyes.
“Talk to me,” he pulled me into him, my face was buried into his chest. His smell, and the comfort of his chest enveloped my senses. “I missed you,: I muttered into him as he held me and I cried. The touch of josh when I cried was nothing compared to Gerard’s in that moment. They say your first love never leaves you, I can verify it’s true. He kissed the top of my head, leading me to sit on the couch, “What’s going on?”
I explained everything to him, even things that weren’t really his business. How I felt about Gerard, how I wanted to feel Gerard, and what my life’s been like with “mindless self indulgence”, how my life’s been in other aspects.
“You know if he leave’s he isn’t worth your time right? I’ll still be here. I never meant to leave you know that right?” he soothed me as I nodded my head. He rubbed my back, ran his fingers along my spine under my shirt sending shivers up my spine. I knew what was happening, I knew what would probably happen but in that moment I didn’t care.
He pulled away as I looked up at him, just as quickly this whole thing started, his lips were touching mine. He pushed me back; Josh was a good boyfriend from the past. One I didn’t really want Gerard to know about. He made me believe in love, made me feel love, mentally and physically.
I made decisions that night, decisions leading me to do things with Josh. Do I regret those decisions? Definitely, were they necessary for me, my emotions, and sanity? Certainly.
“I’m sorry I left,” he whispered as he held me.
“Josh, you completely abandoned me,” my voice was week as I responded. “Right when I needed you most, my mom left, my dad was intoxicated every night and you just left me!” I sat up pushing his reaching hand away. I covered my bare chest with the sheet. “You told me you’d never leave; you told me you loved me, you made me believe you! I didn’t believe in love. When you cam around, then you convinced me it existed. Then you cheated, said it was an accident, all her fault. You stopped coming over., then, you “had” to go to this new school. I made you promise that you would keep in touch, what a lousy promise that was!” I turned around to face him with a kind of anger I didn’t know I had, judging by his face, he didn’t know either. I know what it sounds like, how was this loser a good boyfriend? He was, he kept me from walking the streets, my dad was drinking his life away, leaving me to fend for myself. Josh got me off the streets, showed me how to get the money without breaking the law, he helped me pull my dad back to reality, enough for him to support us. He made me feel like love didn’t exist, that I wasn’t just another object, and a complete waste of space and air. When he left, it broke me. All the progress was gone. I was nothing but an object again. The question was, why didn’t I think of this before I slept with him? His eyes represented all the good I rememberd, not all the bad that scarred me.
“Lyn-z, babe,” Josh stood, “give me-”
“Do not! Call me that,” I interrupted him before he could say second chance. I pushed him away as he tried to touch me. “That’s what Gerard calls me, not you! Get out of my house,” I pointed to the door.
“Lyn,” he started.
“Get out of my Mother fucking house!” I screamed as I cried. I pushed him out the door. I locked it behind him as I sat down to cry. You know how girls in movies slump on the door? That’s exactly what I did, I understand why. When you are that kind of upset, you almost feel like you can’t walk any farther that closing the door, requires all that little bit of strength you can barely muster. I cheated on Gerard, doing more than he would ever do with me.

Notes

So this chapter took me forever because i edited it like four times. First I wrote it, then I added the part where i kicked her out. THEN i added everything between when josh came and when they started making out. So i guess that's three huh. oh well. I really like this chapter ENJOY!
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