I’m not quite sure what brought me back to the foul smelling store after work, but, never the less, I was there. I ducked my head as I maneuvered through the tables and rooms trying to find Sierra.

“Gerard!" I heard Sierra’s voice call out. I looked up and she was walking towards me, dressed in her nonwork clothes with her keys on a faded lanyard around her neck. “Good timing. I just got out.” She chuckled semi sarcastically.

I just hummed an “mmhm” and followed her out of the store.

She walked quickly through the mall then out to the parking lot. I guessed that the beat up station wagon parked towards the back was hers.

“What do you want to do?” I asked pulling out my keys and waiting by my car. Shouting a little bit louder, the farther away she got.

She turned towards me, still walking away, “I need to go to home really quick and then I was gonna go to the park to study a bit. You wanna help?”

I twirled my keys in my hand. “Okay.”

She stopped finally at her car and put her hands on her hips. “Just come with me and I’ll drop you back at your car later.”

I stopped twirling my keys. I sighed, putting them in my pocket and walking over to her passenger door.

We got in and she turned on the car. It hummed and the radio played ska lightly in the background. She grabbed her pair of oversized sunglasses from the tangled dreamcatcher that hung on the rearview mirror.

We started driving towards a direction of town I wasn’t familiar with or at least I didn’t remember it. We passed the university and then the fairgrounds and became engulfed in Mexican restaurants and Chinese groceries. She turned down a street and drove a way down past brick houses built in the 50’s. She pulled in to a small white house with a dilapidated yard.

I got out and the sound of bark dogs shocked my ears. The neighbors had two retrievers that barked at us from behind their wire fence.

“Home sweet home,” Sierra muttered, shutting her car door. “Come on in. I just have to grab a couple books and we’ll be gone.”

“You live here alone?” I asked as I followed her to the side door.

“Yeah, my parents decided to rent it out as like a vacation home when I went to college. Not much of a vacation home, but they haven’t even visited it yet so whatever,” Sierra pushed the sticky door in. It caved to her and she jumped up the step, inside.

I followed. The inside was average. A slightly humid smell with plain white carpets and white walls to match. Her things lay around haphazardly as she looked around for her books. “Don’t you get lonely?” I asked.

“Mm,” she shrugged, “Sometimes, but then I just go somewhere. It’s not too bad.” She made a successful ‘huzzah’ and shook the book, obviously happy she still found it. “There we go. Come on,” she waved towards me and I followed her back out the door.

We jumped back in the car and began our path back towards familiar area. I knew the park. It was the only park in town. It was the one I used to take you to when we were young. But I didn’t want to think about that. That’s why when Sierra asked, “have you ever been here before?” I replied with a wistful “no.”

----

I lay down flat in the park. On the grass. My eyes closed against the bright sun.

“So, Maria Winklemann was the first female astronomer in Germany. She was married to a famous physicist and wrote a book called….” Sierra’s voice rang out as she tried to recall the information on her flashcards. I could hear her brain tinkering, trying to find an answer. She sighed and I heard the card flip over. “Querelles de Femmes!” She exclaimed angrily. “I’m gonna fail.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I sighed and raised myself up on my elbows. Giving her a serious look. “That’s like the first card you haven’t known. You’ll do fine.” I turned my head forwards and looked out over the park. I saw a couple groups of kids playing around on the monkey bars and their parents sit patiently on the sidelines, reading or talking on their cell phones. I saw the birds picking through the woodchips that scattered the playground area, trying to find something to bring home. I looked towards the swings and something caught my eye. A pair of boys. One had light blonde hair that almost white and the other had dark brown that was long in his face. The dark haired boy wore a pair of square rimmed glasses and he had a smile on his face when he looked at the other one. They were laughing at something. I kept on watching. They were swinging slightly, but mostly just dragging their feet across the sunken ground, lazily. I kept on watching. The blonde boy reached over, grabbing the chain of the other boy’s swing and pulling it until they were close. I kept on watching. Then he carefully laid a small kiss on his lips.

“Blake!” Sierra shouted next to me and I looked at her. She was looking in the same direction as me. The two boys. She waved a hand at them, telling them to come here.

The blonde one smiled and said something to the other boy, before they proceeded getting up and walking closer to us on the grass.

I felt my body’s anxiety level rising the more they came into focus and the more my skepticism proved itself true. I brought my eyes to the ground and tried to act like I was busy picking through the little blades of green.

I felt their shadows over me finally, blocking out the sun that was still high in the mid-afternoon sky.

“Gerard, this is Blake. He works with me at the store,” Sierra slapped my arm to break my concentration from the ground.

I felt my spine snap up to attention and I was looking up into the fair haired boy’s face. The sun sat behind him, letting white beams of light surround his head and making it difficult to see in detail. But I didn’t want to see in detail. I wanted the Monet effect, minus getting up close. I didn’t want to know how everything really was.

“Hey,” he said confidently and gave me a simple wave.

Sierra started again, “And this is-“

“No,” I heard you say, my gaze still on Blake, “we know each other.”

I felt my stomach drop and so did my eyes.

“He’s my brother.”

“No, shit,” Sierra said in disbelief. I looked towards her. Her face was happy and she was trying to read why mine wasn’t.

“Blake,” I heard you say too clearly, as if you were really directing it at me, “I have to go. Gerard and me have to be home.”

“I can give you a ride home if you need one, Blake,” Sierra offered, still making questioning expressions at me.

“Can you please, Sierra? Then I can give Gerard a ride back,” you offered politely to her.

Sierra turned back to you. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Come on, Gerard,” you said.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how too. I just saw you kissing a boy in the park and now you wanted to be alone with me in a car. That was way too much for me to take. I couldn’t let Blake and Sierra know there was something wrong though. I kept my eyes low, but I shifted my weight, getting up off the ground.

“Nice meeting you, Gerard,” Blake said. His tone sounded like he was trying to suck up to me. I don’t think it would of if I wasn’t related to you.

I gave a small nod in his direction.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Sierra asked, blocking the sun out of her eyes as she looked up at me.

“Mmhm,” I murmured. “Good luck… on the test.”

I looked back to you, but not at your face. I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t really ready for any of this, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get in the car with you if I looked in your face, in your eyes.

I followed you to the parking lot. I saw your car and I was surprised. Why hadn’t you taken that red jeep? I didn’t ask, but instead just got in the car with you.

You pulled out of the complex and started driving back towards our house. I couldn’t work up the voice to tell to you otherwise.

“How was work?” you asked. Trying your hardest to act normal.

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I watched you in my peripheral vision. You sighed really hard and gripped the steering wheel harder. My body felt limp in the seat, like I had no control over my movements whatsoever. I felt heavy.

“You can’t tell Mom and Dad,” you said randomly. But I knew immediately what you meant.

“Do you think I would do that?” I said so quietly I could barely hear it.

“I don’t know what the fuck you would do anymore. You’re so fucking unpredictable,” you bit out.

I wanted apologize. But I didn’t. “That’s why you have to stop.” I mustered out again.

You shook your head. Not knowing what I was talking about.

“You have to get away from that boy.”

You still didn’t get it. “Why?”

I felt my blood boil at your sudden dumbstruckness. “Cause they’ll find you. Mom and Dad will find out and they’ll send you to Reynard’s, Mikey! And you can’t go there, you can’t go there.” I felt the hot tears roll down my face unconsciously. I didn’t try to stop them. I couldn’t have anyway.

“Why can’t I go there?” you said. You knew the answer. You just wanted to hear me say it through my cries.

“You’ll end up like me, Mikey! You can’t be like this.”

“Like what?” you pushed, turning the car down the main road.

“Ruined. They’ll ruin you.” I brought my hands to my face, unable to stop the hysteria.

“You’re not ruined,” you said so simply that I almost believed you.

“Look at me. I can’t breathe at the mere thought of you, I cry at the sight of you. I’m way past ruined.” My voice sounded strangled behind my hands. I kept shaking my head till my vision was blurred and my brain spun.

“Stop it,” you said. You pulled the car into a empty parking lot from a torn down gas station.

“What are you doing?” I asked, looking out the window.

“Get in the back,” you ordered me.

“Wh-“

“Get in the back,” you said, just as simply as before.

I opened the door and went, sitting in the second row of seats. I laid down on my back, closing my eyes. Quieting myself and trying to breathe better. I heard you shut the car off.

“Better?” you asked.

I nodded in reply, taking deep calming breaths and rubbing my hands against my face harshly. I heard you open your door and get out before coming back again to the second row door. You opened it. I didn’t look up. I felt your weight slide in next to where I lay, almost touching the top of my head.

“No, no, no,” I muttered out and I felt the tears start to come again.

“Stop,” you ordered, again. “Don’t cry,” this time in a softer voice.

I tried to catch my breath again and calm myself. I nodded my head. “okay.”

“I’m going to touch you,” you warned me.

I shook my head quickly. “No, don’t. Please.”

“No, Gerard. It’s the only way I’m gonna get you better,” your breath felt closer. You were ducking down, closer to my ears.

I didn’t say anything. I was too scared to tell you to move on, but I didn’t want you to fucking stop.

I felt your hand on my arm. It felt cool against my burning skin. It felt like it was slowing all the quick blood flow in my body. But I wasn’t comfortable. I could tell by the immediate tears that went down my face at the feeling. Making my eyes flutter and sting. But I didn’t dare look up towards you.

Despite my obvious hesitations, you moved your hand. Down my arm till it was flat against my hand, over my stomach. I winced and whimpered.

“It’s okay,” you whispered. “You’re okay.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand. You don’t know how wrong this is.”

Your fingers brushed against mine as you felt out the indentations between my knuckles. My lower lip kept quivering uncontrollably.

“You’re right. I don’t understand. I’m never going to understand. But I’m not gonna let you do this to yourself when you could be happy. With me.”

I ripped my hand away and shot up. I jerked myself to the corner, away from you. “No, no, no.” I kept saying it, as if I didn’t want it.

You shushed me. “Sssshhhh stop it,” you tried to soothe me. “I’m not gonna talk anymore.”

I was still towards the corner, sniffling like crazy. I opened my eyes finally and blinked back the cloudiness. I saw your hand. Outstretched towards me. Inviting me to take it.

I head kept spinning and my insides felt suppressed in my core. Like they were being weighed down or melted until everything hung down awkwardly. I bit my lip. I reached out my hand, shaking uncontrollably. I was almost moved in, but something in me couldn’t make the last two or three inches. Something in me was much more logical than the majority.

With the final distance staring up at me, I felt like I couldn’t make it. I wanted to give up. But before I could drop my hand in defeat, you reached the additional length and grabbed me. I didn’t expect it this time, so I gasped loudly. I didn’t cry this time, I just had these dry heaving sobs that quaked through my body. Off the Richter scale.

My hand was in yours. All was wrong and all was right. Jumbled and fumbled, yes, but right.

We sat like this for hours. Not talking, just touching. I stopped heaving after the first hour, stopped shaking by the second, and by the third, we were just sitting there in silence. Blackness surrounded the car, except for the occasional headlights on the road behind us.

“We have to get home,” you finally said in the silence and darkness and peace.

I nodded even though you probably couldn’t see it.

Your hand slid off of mine and I could tell you still wanted it.

We got into the front seat and you turned the car on, pulling out of the lot. We started driving.

“I’m parked at the mall,” I said quietly and my vocal cords felt loose from repression.

“Are you okay to drive?” you asked, looking towards me. Your face was lit by the console lights.

I shook my head quickly. Mildly embarrassed.

“Okay,” you said and kept going towards home.

We finally got there. Car off. Silence between us.

Then you reached out and grabbed my hand. I killed off the preemptive shutter this time. That must have been what you were looking for cause you smiled to yourself before letting go and getting out of the car.