Stepping through the golden elevators doors the next morning felt daunting to say the least. I had been left with a lot of regrets about taking the job after last night’s dinner. And even more regrets from Dr. Elli… I mean Elliot’s confession about his past.

Nevertheless, I walked up to Justine’s desk, the smell of hot coffee coming from her spot behind the tall counter. “Good morning,” I said politely, leaning on the edge of her desk.

“Oh good morning, Gerard,” she said as she clicked her way through the appointment program. “Excited for your first day?”

I gave a hesitant nod. Staring off at the coffee machine on the far side of the desk.

“Do you want a cup?” she asked. Obviously aware of my on looking gaze.
I nodded again and she poured me a cup. Sleeplessness left this cup looking tempting. I was beginning to show the signs after two sleepless nights in a row. I had a bit of dark coloring beneath my eyes and a glazed over look on my face. I wondered how long I could keep it up before needing to crash.

“Gerard,” Elliot awoke me from my distantness. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” I said back a little too quick to sound relaxed.

“You ready to get started on some organizing?” he asked excitedly. Sarcastically, getting me pumped.

“Let’s do it,” I said back, mirroring his tone, but unconsciously thinking, ‘Anything to get my mind off you.’

----

The day was almost done. I had successfully removed my brain long enough to sort through a part of the piled desk in the corner. The job was more tedious than I thought. Pages of patients and masses of marked up note pads taking surprisingly intricate annotations of each subject. I sorted them by last name, filing them in their own personal file folder that I had labeled and organized into a large drawer. The cases all seemed to be different. Depression, marriage counseling, OCD’s, severe paranoia, etc.

I finished up with the C folders and looked proudly at my work, trying to ignore the rest of the mess that had yet to be touched.

“I’m impressed,” said Elliot’s voice behind me as he read a book in his grey arm chair.

“Thank you,” I said, turning back to him.

“I think you’ve had enough for today, Gerard,” he said turning a page of the leather bound beauty.

“Are you sure? I still have a half hour left. I can get started on the D’s,” I looked towards the desk, my working space, nervously.

“Nah, you’ve done more than you should of today,” he waved a hand towards the couch. “Come take a seat.”

I bit my lip nervously, but followed the directive.

Elliot didn’t take his eyes off the book. “So, how’d you end up at Reynard’s.”

My stomach began churning like an industrial sized mixer. I gulped down deep, “I…my mom… walked in on me.”

Elliot didn’t seem perturbed or even interested. “On you what? Were you with a friend?”

I felt my face quake as I remembered the night all over again, “my brother.” My voice was so faint, I didn’t recognize it. Sounded like a ghost in my ear, whispering my worst reminder.

“Oh,” Elliot’s eyebrows raised. “Was this…” he visibly racked his brain for the correct word, “nonconsensual.”

“No.” I felt the lump in my throat, cemented by my helpless honesties.

“Did he go somewhere also?” Elliot’s interests were falling away from the book with every second.

“No,” my hands fumbled over each other. “He told my parents he didn’t want to kiss him. He lied to them.”

Elliot was now focused on me completely, making me more conscious of my visible discomfort. “And what do you think about that?”

I almost chuckled at the cliché shrink question. “I’m happy he did it. Or else he would have had to go, too. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing I had been the reason he had to endure that.”

“But you’re not the reason,” he closed his book on his lap and placed it on the side table. “You said it was consensual.”

“But I could have stopped it,” I shrugged. “Before my mom walked in. I could have told him no. But I didn’t.”

“But you didn’t.” Elliot repeated. He starred off into space for a moment, before shaking himself out of it and looking at his watch. “I actually have a patient coming in anytime now.”

I tried to breathe and pull myself together, “Okay. I’ll just leave.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Gerard,” Elliot grabbed the book of the table again and opened it to no page in particular.

With that, I carried myself out of there. Knowing Dr. Elliot was the only one that knew about you now. Hoping that he would not take advantage of that.