Save Me From My Self-Destruction

Gerard sighed “I have to stay at night.”

I just pulled Gerard closer and snuggled up to him. He put his arm around me and lay me down on the pillow. I whined and pulled him closer, so our noses were touching.

“Can I try something?” Gerard whispered softly. I nodded. Oh god, what was he going to do?
“Don’t look so frightened. I’m not going to hurt you.” He whispered, his lips were so close to mine. I wanted to kiss him, god I wanted to, but I was too scared. Too frightened.

His eyes closed slowly, as he leaned in closer. I felt myself sink into the lumpy mattress, he was about to kiss me. I knew it. I wanted him too. I let my eyes slip shut as his lips touched mine softly. He barely even touched my lips with his own. I wanted more. My stomach flipped over multiple times and I gripped his shirt tighter.

Gerard pulled away slowly, smiling a little. I was bright fucking red, my eyes wide and I was panting a little. He smiled a bit more “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

I couldn’t speak. I was lost for words. His lips were so soft, and gentle and… beautiful. I just blinked at him.

“It’s okay. I’m not a ghost. Do you want me to kiss you again?” Gerard asked, stroking my hair softly. I nodded faster than I wanted to, my stomach still doing flips. He smiled and leaned down, kissing me again.

This time it was so much more intense, if you could call it that. Gerard’s lips seemed to lock with mine perfectly, as cheesy as it is. My mouth was open a little, Gerard’s a lot. Gerard moved his lips a little and I tried to copy him. I knew I was terrible at kissing, as I had never even kissed anyone before. I slid my right hand into his hair and the other rested on his shoulder. Gerard moved his lips more, taking the lead. I just let him do whatever he wanted. He moved his lips, sucking in air.

My poor stomach was probably on its last legs from the amount of gymnastics it was doing. I knew how wrong it was, how wrong it was that I was a little turned on. Okay, I was really turned on, I’m just glad he couldn’t tell.

Gerard’s tongue flicked out a little, wetting mine and his own lips. It slipped into my mouth easily, both of our tongues touching at the tip. I gasped quietly, it felt so good. Gerard pulled his tongue away and kissed me for a little longer. I was getting so out of breath.

He pulled away slowly, his cheeks slightly pink. Mine were bright fucking red, redder than before. Gerard pecked my lips again, like he couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t. He smiled at me. I tried to say something, but my mouth just dropped open. Gerard giggled and closed my mouth for me, pushing my jaw up slowly. “Don’t keep your mouth open like that, makes me wanna let you suck me off.”

My breath hitched, I almost choked. I did choke. I started coughing violently. Gerard sat me up and patted my back softly. “I didn’t mean to make you choke, sorry.” He carried it on until I calmed down.

Gerard stood up. “I’ll get you some water.” He went into the bathroom. I heard the tap being turned on and a cup being filled up. He came back in with a pastel green plastic cup. He sat on the bed and handed it to me. I drank it, I was so thirsty and I hadn’t noticed due to our little session. I drank it all in one go, putting it on the bedside table when I was done.

Gerard moved me closer to the wall, so he could lie next to me. He did so, holding me close. He kissed me again, and I tried to kiss back this time. Gerard pulled away. It was because of my terrible kissing skills. “I’m a terrible kisser! I’m so sorry!” I squeaked, my voice was so high pitched.

“No no, you aren’t. It’s okay.” Gerard smiled, stroking my hair. “I just wanna look at you…”

I felt so self-conscious with this beautiful person staring at me.

Gerard sat up quickly, pulling me up too. He rolled my sleeves up, exposing my arms. All the cuts and scars on my fore arms were on show. Gerard held my hands, his eyes filling with tears. Why is he upset? He blinked, making a tear fall.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, whispering.

“I- I hate seeing you so broken…” he sniffed. “I wish I knew sooner….” He had started crying now. I felt a lump in my throat as I pulled him close and hugged him. I didn’t realise I was crying too, until Gerard wiped my cheeks. He pulled away and looked at my arms. I looked too. My scars were all horizontal, apart from the one running on the inside of my wrist. My suicide line.

I sat on the bathroom floor, the knife in my right hand. I had locked the door, so no one could come and save me. This was it, the end. The last breath I’ll ever breathe. The last time I’ll ever see this world. What happens when you die? I was about to find out.

I rested the tip of the knife on the vein in my wrist.

One breath.

Two breaths.

Three breaths later I had pushed the blade down and into my skin. I dragged it along my vein, watching it slice through my fragile flesh. This was the last thing I would ever feel.

I had written my suicide notes, to Mikey and Gerard and to my parents. I wrote how it was all their fault and that I hoped they feel terrible for me.

The knife sliced from my wrist all the way to my elbow. My blood dripped onto the clean, white tiles. I watched it for a while before I felt faint. I felt really faint. This was it, the end. The end of my shitty life. Finally. I lay down, in the puddle of blood in the tiles. I closed my eyes and waited for death to overtake my body.

Everything went black…

-

I woke up in hospital with Mikey next to me. I looked at my left arm, there was a long, deep cut. But it was stitched up. “Mikey?”

“Frank…” he mumbled, wiping his eyes. He must have been crying. “Why..?”

“I…feel like I have nothing to live for.” I mumbled.

Mikey coughed and sobbed. “I don’t wanna lose you..” He never cries. I’m in deep shit for this. He leaned over the bed and hugged me, I hugged him back. He cried onto my shoulder for ages.

Mikey was the first to know…

And the last.

I rubbed my eyes, Christ the memories were vivid. Gerard kissed me again. “I don’t wanna lose you…”

Notes

Lemme know what you think. i am also very sorry if i made you sad
^^